Hello MB, I am the BS and my H of 7 yrs is incarcerated for a long sentence term. He will not be back until 2008. I am trying to cope with this obstacle. It is not easy. Sharing your life with someone for so long and then boom alone for good or a long time. I am not doing so well with this. We have 2 d's together which are very young so they keep me awfully busy. Although I am greatful to have such beautiful children I find myself very lonely & easily distracted when it comes to giving them the time they deserve and long for. The playful hours of motherhood have run me dry w/ all the longing emotions I am feeling these days & work too.
I feel all I am is the W, the Mom, the worker, the provider..the strength in us all. It has caused me to suffer w/ some mild depression and anxiety. I am seeing a therapist for this. She seems to believe it is an adjustment disorder and will go away after 6 months.

I don't feel as confident. I had just overcome my H's serial cheating A's the entire M...just got to that gray area where "coping" is possible and "possitive" feelings could be regained. Next thing I know he's being placed in jail and I'm left alone to wait. To be the good wife and never give up on my Bipolar H. It is driving me nuts actually, and that is a very mild way of saying it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am disappointed, lonely, annoyed w/ this situation, and confused. I know my vows state for sickness and in health, richer or poorer, til death do us part. That means so much to me. I love him with all my heart and although we went into a M that was not blessed and he has mental health issues, I still want a complete family again someday. I have been so strong for so long, and confident that I would never compromise my vows. But..lately I have been wanting to spend more time w/ a male friend of mine, the girls love him and he really helps out a lot coming by to play w/ them and staying to watch a movie and converstate. I miss not having that w/ H anymore.

I have so many possitive feelings for him and it scares me, I have never thought of him as anything more then a brother. I try not to hang around him much b/c I have read the Harvey's principles and I do not want him forfilling needs I should be waiting and allowing my H to fill. I am just so suckered into wanting him around me b/c I am lonely and I can trust him. I don't think of him in a sexual way...I never have, & this weekend I had a dream that we were kissing. This really bothers me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Deep down inside I am missing the affection, compaionship, closeness, etc & it's no wonder I had this dream...but what is it telling me?

Is this normal? I don't really know what normal is anymore. I'm just trying to figure out what it is god is expecting from me while my H is away. I keep thinking after all that we've been through, that if he can change himself while he is away & I can maintain my vow's..that he will see how serious I am about keeping my M & being a good wife & that maybe all this pain during our M and separation will be a small price to pay for the rest of our lives..being together..and having a chance to be happy. A blessed M..feeling as one.

I am so confused, I don't know after 3 months of him being away...after our separation prior to this...all the pain he has put me through & still I haven't thought about a revenge A...now I am dreaming of this man? I am wanting him to come around just for the comfort and attention...for the kids..and myself. Why? I am afraid of these feelings because I have another 4 years to go without my H. There will be times when we won't see each other at all for a month or two...how do I cope? Knowing I have something that I just CANNOT HAVE right now..and being so lonely. I don't mean to question whether I should divorse but if these feelings persist I will not stay in this M and fake like I'm giving it my all. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Strength_ThroughFaith ]</small>

You've been married seven years.
1 - He is a "serial cheating A's the entire M".
2 - He is, "incarcerated for a long sentence term. He will not be back until 2008". Why is he in jail?
3 - He has "mental health issues" from before you married him.
4 - You were separated prior to his being in jail.
I'm kind of curious why you are still married to this guy?.?

all the pain he has put me through & still I haven't thought about a revenge A...now I am dreaming of this man?
This doesn't mean you are thinking of having an affair, but this is how they begin.

Your needs were not getting met previously and now some of them are.
You should stop seeing this guy while you are still married.
Read the links below.

He is jail for burgarlarizing homes. He was very much addicted to his pain medicine during the time of our separation. He was also on various med's for ADHD and anti depressants that did not seem to help. Finally they were able to figure out that he has Bipolar disorder but by that time his transgressions had caught up with him and he must interact and find him self...behind bars.

I am still with him because I BELIEVE in my M, even when it seems no one else does and that is ok. I am still standing by his side because I do love him & my D's deserve a fair chance at growing up in a good home. Not that I'm saying that that means we have to be together...but I would like it to be so. I am not condeming my H for mistakes he made while in that mind set. Same thing when it came to the A's. He is mentally ill and I'm hoping the time he faces will offer him the mental health stability he needs and some respect for the family he so carelessly tossed away.

I'm just having a hard time getting through this transition. I feel like a fool even admitting it actually. Usually I am the one people come to when they have a problem...here I am ...and no one else around me would hav any idea how to approach this subject with me. Half of my friends aren't m'd and the ones who are still haven't figured out how to meet each other's needs let alone advise me on how to stay true, or lack thereof. If anything they are advising me to seek someone else...and haven't mentioned divorse as being the first step. My god..is everyone numbed by the idea that starting over doesn't mean the grass is always greener on the other side. I have committments...to myself..my morale...my family...to god...maybe I am wrong..maybe this isn't worth it. But that is up to god to show me.

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Strength_ThroughFaith ]</small>

He was very much addicted to his pain medicine during the time of our separation.
Why were you separated?

I am still with him because I BELIEVE in my M, even when it seems no one else does and that is ok
This is a Marriage Builders site and most here will agree (me included) that it is a good thing to try & save a marriage, if possible. But not every single marriage should be saved nor at any cost.
I’m not saying you SHOULD get divorced or you SHOULD stay married. But you SHOULD not date until divorced. And you should also make sure you do not get into situations which may lead to something, such as you described previously.

If anything they are advising me to seek someone else...and haven't mentioned divorse as being the first step.
Probably the WORST thing you could do is to start another relationship while still married.

My god..is everyone numbed by the idea that starting over doesn't mean the grass is always greener on the other side.
Pretty much everyone here will agree with you that the grass is almost never greener.

I have committments...to myself..my morale...my family...to god
Great! That is a good place to start.

Can you tell me, does this look like a hopeless situation? Has anyone had someone mentally ill that was the WS & they were able to turn themselves around...?? My H would have troubles keeping a job. He smoked pot, lied, and hung out with the wrong crowd constantly....always looking for exceptance. He looked at me like a judge or something. Always saying how I was "better" then him and he admired my strength and "know how".
This was a huge obstacle when it came to explaining to him how I wanted to be treated like his equal and not someone "above" him.

I know it will take a lot more hard work even after he is released to get him back into being w/ me and the girls again. To pick up where we left off having to recover our M. Through the last 3 mo's I have seen progress. Not just jail talk either. He has admitted to me many things and confessed to many of the lies and betrayal surrounding our M. That is sure a start. He is telling me these things without fear of loosing me by adding wood to the fire while he is away. I am gaining that trust within him. Allowing him to believe in himself, therefore believing in god..and in return our M and our family.

It is a start. That is why I wish to stay pure to our M (besides many other factors) and see how things progress. I just can't stand being this lonely. I will take the advise and limit the time I spend w/ my friend. Afterall he is like a uncle to my children, the only brother my H will ever have...and a very trustworthy friend to me. I don't ever want to compromise all that I have..in him...in my M...and within myself, by allowing my weakness's to get the best of me. I just don't know how to allow myself to just think of me. To allow myself to feel complete without thinking of my H forfilling the needs I have lacked doing so within myself.
I realize that is what my real issue is. And it is so hard. I have come from a abusive family that had co-dependency issues...broken family..and I don't want my family to have to go through what I have.
I feel like damaged goods to be honest. Now I have to figure out how to overcome these issues before I ever think of giving all my heart to myself...I believe it will all fall into place then.
Feel like I'm in denial, looking for reassurance.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Originally posted by Strength_ThroughFaith:
I have come from a abusive family that had co-dependency issues...broken family..and I don't want my family to have to go through what I have.
I feel like damaged goods to be honest. Now I have to figure out how to overcome these issues before I ever think of giving all my heart to myself...I believe it will all fall into place then.
Feel like I'm in denial, looking for reassurance.

I am a big believer in Al-Anon... and I think you should go to meetings.

You qualify because of the drug issues in your marriage and possibly because of childhood issues.

You will not feel so alone and abandoned when you go to the meetings... and you can develop some support systems among the women you meet there that can sustain you while you wait for your H to be released.

That is my very strong opinion...

You need a 12 step program to help you develop living skills you did not learn growing up.

Pep

I will take the advise and limit the time I spend w/ my friend.
I didn’t write you should limit the time with him.
I wrote, “You should stop seeing this guy while you are still married.” You have already had some thoughts of him. HE is filling the role of daddy and husband.

Afterall he is like a uncle to my children, the only brother my H will ever have
Is he your husbands brother?

and a very trustworthy friend to me
Then the best thing you can do for your friendship & marriage is to NOT see this guy anymore.

And as Pep wrote, you DO need some help in dealing with the other issues (drugs, childhood, etc). You came here seeking some help for your marriage. Others can help you with these issues.

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was very much addicted to his pain medicine during the time of our separation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris you asked why we were separated?
Because I was working on recovery myself and angry with the fact that he was just brushing everything under the rug & never acknowledging his mistake. He was telling me to just "get over it" basicly. I didn't like his attitude, I didn't feel valued and I called him out on other issues...only to find out he serial cheated my entire marriage. So, to deal w/ the anger and disgust...I kicked him out and began a Plan A/B mixture of both.

Pep: Thank you for your advise to, maybe I do need to go to the meetings..really I wish I could find a good spiritual advisor who can advise me on the spiritual issues I'm facing at this time. Not that I'm disregarding your suggestion, I've been to those meetings w/ my mother when she quit using. It wasn't directed towards me but I was able to comment and have some input. It was helpful to be there to support my mother. But it does bring back some bad memories and right now I don't need anything that is gonna take away the little bit of strength I feel I do have right now. Maybe I'm being judgemental I don't know. I'll have to bring it up w/ therapist today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will take the advise and limit the time I spend w/ my friend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn’t write you should limit the time with him.
I wrote, “You should stop seeing this guy while you are still married.” You have already had some thoughts of him. HE is filling the role of daddy and husband..

Chris, with all due respect my children have already lost their father, Yes this is my H's brother...for the last 10 years he has been the only brother he has known although not blood brothers. My children consider him uncle. And I consider him a brother. The dream I've had and the weakness's I've faced wanting him around for the company is just that. I came here so I could acknowledge a "feeling" I had. I don't act upon all feelings..neither does that mean that it is so strong I will forgot all that I am committed to. I will not EVER put myself through the degrading circumstances that allowed my family to be so destructive while I was growing up. I have more strength then that! Strength through faith remember? I'm not trying to be sarcastic but there have been tougher times w/ my H that would have allowed me out there doing exactly what the devil had intended but luckily I value myself more then that. I can recoginize it, pray about it, and proceed with renewed faith. And please no offense to those that have been in the situation.

I do not feel that pushing away one of the very good friends I do have...b/c of my loneliness is gonna solve anything. If I can't face the obstacle how can I ever give myself a chance to know that I can prove myself to be true? Anyone can come around and give me a little attention...I could develop the same thoughts about them...(which mind you is not consistant..)male or female...just because I'm lonely right now. Keeping people away for 4 years isn't gonna keep me from developing an A. I am the one that can determine the difference. It's like the urge to smoke a cigerette for me...if I place my mind elsewhere for a few minutes, before I know it I am not craving that cigerette anymore. I have to give myself some credit, I have a blessed ability to recogize what is not good to be thinking or feeling & pray about it...the good lord always pulls me through. Luckily I haven't made a trail of huge mistakes to have to figure that out either.

Oh..and I'm not "seeing" this guy. We are not dating...we are getting together once a week if that...& hanging out like I would w/ a girlfriend of mine & some of the time it is with another mutual friend of ours or my youngest brother,if we go to the driveinn or seomthing it is never alone, a group of friends get together. I cook and clean while he plays w/ the kids...(not daddy figure..UNCLE...that they are used to) and we talk to H from jail...have dinner...put the kids to bed and watch a movie, he calls a cab and goes home afterward. Nothing goes on any differently then before only H isn't there for us all to spend time together as a whole.

I appreciate your opionion really I do. And like I said before I'm ashamed that I had that dream, and I have no intentions of being anything more then a friend to this man. I just needed some advise on the matter. After 7 years of only dreaming of my H it scared me to have that dream.
I have found myself calling over friends to come and hang out with, while I'm alone at night and the kids are in bed. Mainly female's and he is the only male. I will not be getting "ahold" of him to see if he'd like to stop over. If he comes over to visit then thats fine. If anything it helps me out w/ the girls and they still need a male role in their lives. (at least that is what my therapist said) they eat up the attention from their uncles and it is nice to see them happy while filling their lack of "daddy" void. My H asks him to stop over and see us occassionaly himself. Because he knows he can't be there & wants the girls to be able to have people in their lives still.

I know it only is what I make it out to be. The reason why I said my possitive feelings scared me was because they say "dreams are the subconscience" and it scared me to think that subconsciencly I was thinking of him in any other way then a brother. Seriously, I wouldn't think of kissing my birth and blood brothers like that. I don't want to read too much into it b/c it dissapoints me. I have read the Harvey's principles and strongly believe that when untilizing what I now know it will keep me a-proof. It has already for many. I am thankful for that. That is what kept me away from the Revenge-A I hadn't the chance to think about b/c all the possitive "I can save my M" feelings came at such a good time right after I found out about his first A in May of last year.

I can't word things exactly the way I can say them when I'm writting b/c my verbage isn't the best but I'm sure you get the idea of what I mean. Do I sound irrational, in denial of what could come. Believe too much in myself and this situation?? If so, please tell me. I will have to figure out a better way to cope then rely on those around me for reassurance all the time.

Not that I'm disregarding your suggestion, I've been to those meetings w/ my mother when she quit using. It wasn't directed towards me but I was able to comment and have some input. It was helpful to be there to support my mother.
Note that AL-Anon (which is NOT the same as AA, which your mother probably attended) is directed at YOU, the friends and families to help them deal with the user and to give them the strength they need.

The dream I've had and the weakness's I've faced wanting him around for the company is just that. I came here so I could acknowledge a "feeling" I had. I don't act upon all feelings.
…
I can recoginize it, pray about it, and proceed with renewed faith.
I understand what you are saying and I was not suggesting you were out “looking” for anything either. Affairs don't start by people going out looking for them. However, the BEST way to prevent something is to stay out of situations where something COULD happen. And even better to stay out of situations where it is more than likely to happen.

Read Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair Letter 1
Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair Letter 2

I have read the Harvey's principles and strongly believe that when untilizing what I now know it will keep me a-proof.
Great! And one way is to keep out of situations which are ripe for affairs.

Keeping people away for 4 years isn't gonna keep me from developing an A.
Yes it will, because nothing COULD develop.
Same as if you are never around drugs, you will not do drugs.
Also, I’m not saying you should keep every one away all the time, just in certain situations.

It's like the urge to smoke a cigerette for me...if I place my mind elsewhere for a few minutes, before I know it I am not craving that cigerette anymore.
But you don’t go out to the smoking area when you have an urge to smoke either.

As I said, after reading about far too many people in the same situation as you, it happens to the best of us, even with the same mindset as you about not letting it happen.

Oh..and I'm not "seeing" this guy.
My apologies. I didn’t mean it to sound that you were dating.

I cook and clean while he plays w/ the kids...(not daddy figure..UNCLE...that they are used to) and we talk to H from jail...have dinner...put the kids to bed and watch a movie, he calls a cab and goes home afterward. Nothing goes on any differently then before only H isn't there for us all to spend time together as a whole.
I know you are not trying to have him fill any role except uncle but all these things are what a husband/father would be doing.

I can't word things exactly the way I can say them when I'm writting b/c my verbage isn't the best but I'm sure you get the idea of what I mean. Do I sound irrational, in denial of what could come.
Nah, you’re doing fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> None of this is easy and you need to go slow.
I’m not saying that you are or will do something but simply pointing out that you need to be very, very careful, especially when you are as vulnerable as you are now.

Chris you are right, really you are. It just stinks because I already feel so alone and there are only a few that actually make me feel better then the usual
single mother/worker/daughter/sister ...that I AM & face everyday. I can loose myself from the negitive emotions gain a little bit of help for that moment & instead of just being that..I have to go and get all these stupid feelings b/c I AM vulnerable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thank you for sticking by me here in my thread...through all my rambling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> At first I felt like I didn't belong here anymore but now I know that I do still belong. Recovery at a hault when it comes to my M, but it doesn't mean that I can't still recover. Gain strength through god in others addressed to me... answers to questions I don't have to feel alone with.

I had to change my MB name recently, b/c one of the people my H had an A with knew my user name b/c I had referred her here when she was having trouble w/ her future H. I don't want her knowing my deep down feelings...I'm sure she'd just sit back and gloat about them b/c she has always had that in her deceiving nature. She is a newfound Christian now, so I'm praying for her...praying that she has forgiven herself, asked to be forgiven..and will allow herself to have a good M. I hope she's still lurking, learning all she can here.

I trust your advise Chris..I've read many a threads that you've offered the same support to others and again..I am very thankful.
I had no idea Al-Anon were support groups for families, I will check into this...make some new friends, gain some support..knowledge. It will be just as the blessing I receive by coming here.
Sorry for misunderstanding Pep, you are also very wise with your advise. Thanks! I'll keep you both posted. Heading out on lunch hr now...going to therapy...hope she'll have something good to advise me also.

Feelings themselves are not right or wrong. They just are feelings.
It’s how you act on those feelings that matters.

Thank you for sticking by me here in my thread...through all my rambling.
Ramble all you want. That’s what this place is all about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I trust your advise Chris..I've read many a threads that you've offered the same support to others and again.
I’m not always the easiest on people but it’s not because I’m trying to be mean. I prefer the 2x4 approach because they need to get the point now, not later.

Check out http://www.al-anon.org/about.html
and also
Online Al-Anon Outreach
These are for problems with alcohol but if you need to, contact them & they can refer you to other similar organizations for drugs.

had to fill you in on what my therapist said today. I told her about my feelings..along with many others I haven't quite touched base on as of yet. She seems to think that any possitive influence that can be offered in my life right now will and is a good thing. She does though agree with the concern of something else developing...& has advised me to talk to my male friend. Explain to him my feelings and intentions to stay pure to my M. She thinks getting it out in the open will help me decide whether or not I should discontinue this "possitive relationship" (which sounds better as "possitive friendship" in my eyes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and see what kind of response I get from him.

If he says he has felt the same (SHAME ON HIM! HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP!) then I know to cut things out. Hang out time...etc...Otherwise, just basicly get a response from him. While being open and honest specifing my intentions.

She again..wants me to think about anti-depresants because she thinks that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain do to the abuse substained in my childhood. She believes that is why I am carrying such a huge load of loneliness and depression these days.

I have been overweight my entire life, and although she thinks these med's like Lexepro are going to help and have very low side effects..I don't want to gain more weight (the D-Day diet allowed me to loose 27 lbs of old baby weight I'd been carrying for 5 years now...) and I don't want to become addicted to anything more then the cigerettes I smoke daily.

I explained to her the MB concepts and the support I've gained here. She thinks it is great that I have someone or something in my life that isn't pointing me in the direction of divorse. She admires my spirituality and strength and is happy that I can express that here without hearing "leave him behind, he's a dog. yaada...yaada...yaada...". She is again trying to get me in tune with feelings I need to let go so I can start thinking of MYSELF & allow others to look after ME for a change. Now that is an obstacle for me. Sergant mom for everyone..always have been! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for the links! I'll check them out tomorrow morning...father is ill in the hospital so I've neglected some work here so that I could take him there yesterday afternoon.

Oh...I wanted to tell you this. (here I go rambling again... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) Right after my H went to jail a mutual friend of ours started text messaging me often, wanting to hang out & frequently asking how H was doing. (I believe as a cover...) Anyway, he was pointing out all these great qualities he saw in me by comparing them with that of which he wanted to look for in a woman. "I'm ready for a wife, "H" is lucky to have someone as committed as you..." yaaada...yaada..(you get what I'm saying..). Well, he kept bothering me to stop over to his house & watch a movie..this new movie I really wanted to watch..& why not have the company..watch it together. Saying that he always comes over to my apt. but I don't want to come "hang out" with him. Mind you..he had only been to my house once since my H went to jail & it was to drop off movies he had borrowed!
So, I cut him off completely. I was able to get to talk to him on the phone, explaining the MB principles of the op. sex forfilling needs..a void that I had at that moment & I didn't want to leave room for anything other then a friendship. If he wanted to hang out with me it would have to be with the other mutual friends we share. All together or not at all. I explained that it didn't look right & I wasn't going to portray myself otherwise.
So I haven't spoke to him in 2 mo's. I guess I got my answer as to what his real intentions were. I caught that one..and very quickly thank god! See ..I am thankful for MB! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She seems to think that any possitive influence that can be offered in my life right now will and is a good thing.
But oyu have to be very careful of how these positive feelings CAN influence you.

She is again trying to get me in tune with feelings
Yeah, but remember feelings are just that. Don’t act on feelings without careful consideration of all the facts.

If he wanted to hang out with me it would have to be with the other mutual friends we share. All together or not at all.
Excellent! However, once someone expresses any kind of feelings, gotta leave ‘em in the dust. Cold & cruel yeah, but life ain’t easy.

She does though agree with the concern of something else developing...& has advised me to talk to my male friend. Explain to him my feelings
ABSOLUTELY NOT! NEVER discuss your feelings of interest for someone with this person.

She thinks getting it out in the open will help me decide whether or not I should discontinue this "possitive relationship" (which sounds better as "possitive friendship" in my eyes ) and see what kind of response I get from him.
Say you get a response of, “I’ve felt the same way & your husband is in the slammer for another 4 years.” Then what?

This entire link is good but here is the relevant portion.
Coping with Infidelity: Part 1 - How Do Affairs Begin?
“So far, R.J. is not actually having an affair. She is simply drawn to Bob. He is attractive to her because he is so easy to talk to. Whenever they are together, he makes a special effort to converse with her, and he shows a genuine interest her favorite topics. The friends of good conversation prevail, and the enemies of good conversation are nowhere to be found (see the Q&A column, "What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant"). The pleasure of her conversation with him deposited so many love units that she fell in love with him, and so it's natural to assume that she will want to talk to him even more. She is finding it difficult to wait for the next opportunity to see him. If she wants to talk to him more often, she will need to create new ways to spend more time with him.
R.J. is now at a crossroads. She can take the next step in developing her relationship with her husband's friend, or she can explain her problem to her husband and try to resolve the issue with him. The advice I gave her was to tell her husband about the entire situation. He should be the one she enjoys talking to the most, and her feelings for his best friend was a good wake-up call. If her husband were to learn to meet her need for conversation, the temptation to have an affair with Bob would be much easier to handle.
But if she were to do what most people instinctively do, her next step would be to tell the man how she felt about him, and ask him to get together with her more often, privately. She would tell him precisely what she wrote in her letter to me, saying that he has "rekindled feelings in me that have been dormant for a long time. I find myself thinking about you often and wish I could be with you. I feel so guilty and ashamed of these feelings, but nevertheless, they are there. I try not to think about you, but I do."
Once this honest expression of feelings is out of the bag, an affair is off and running. Even if her husband's friend had never given her a single romantic thought, the seed is planted, and starts to grow. Such an admission would lead to his thinking long and hard about his own marriage, and he would start seeing R.J. in an entirely new way. If one of his important emotional needs was not being met in his marriage, he would express his frustration to R.J., and she would willingly agree to meet that need. The rest would be history.
Of course, it's possible that Bob, all along, was feeling the same way toward R.J. as she felt for him, and after her declaration of love for him, he would immediately reciprocate, fall into each other's arms, and run off to a motel together.
But it's more likely that they would simply talk to each other more often, depositing even more love units. Sex is actually not the driving force in most affairs -- it is conversation and affection. In fact, most people who have affairs regard the sex as a minor player. What they appreciate the most about the relationship is the love and acceptance that is communicated in their conversation. But sex is usually the inevitable outcome, and since sex works best with great conversation and affection, the sex is also great. Once sex is added to the mix, so many love units get deposited that the couple cannot imagine losing each other. They are both addicted to the relationship.”

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

father is ill in the hospital so I've neglected some work here so that I could take him there yesterday afternoon
I'll say a prayer for both of you.

Wow, don't post for a day and I'm kicked to the second page! That's okay. I already got more information, more insight, more direction from this situation that I could have imagioned from just one person's replys.

Sent yah along a "Thank You" to join the other's on your appreciation thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> God Bless you. You sure got me thinking a lot harder about the depth of this situation, & what I should do. Good thing I didn't just go by what my therapist said. Guess I need to freshen up on my knowledge of this site and what the Harvey's have to offer, shouldn't have just read concepts that applied to me at that time b/c I neglected other information that would allow me to stay A-proof also. I will still look into the Al-Anon support too. I'll keep you updated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (thanks to you too PEP)

Your prayers were greatly appreciated, father is doing much better today. Stable..in the ICU but his Diabetic blood sugar is not sky high anymore, blood pressure is stable, and his heart is still pumping strong! Hope he'll be getting out of their soon. His 5 and 2 yr. old grand daughters aren't happy they can't go visit grandpa in the hospital this time.