I really don’t know where to begin. I will try to be brief for background info but will gladly add clarification if needed.

I’ve been a real horse’s a**to my wife. After a rocky four-year marriage we got pregnant and she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I am still amazed, every day, at how much our lives have changed. Unfortunately, I made some very poor decisions before my son was born. I cheated on my wife, even when she was pregnant. To make matters worse I lied to her about it. She is a very smart, intuitive woman and she knew something was wrong. I lied to her over and over, making her feel like she was going to go crazy.

Three months ago I stopped the lying - I simply could not go on living a lie. I told her the truth, most of which she already knew. It was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done but immediately felt a huge burden lifted from my shoulders.

Fast forward to now: I am in counseling but she refuses to go. She wants to move out and get her own apartment. She doesn’t know if she wants a divorce or not. She says she cannot even begin to think about our future until she has some time on her own. Right now she only has negative thoughts about me and that may never change.

I want us to build a happy marriage. I know I had to come clean about the past for that to ever be possible. But now we are just running in circles and it is taking its toll on me. I want to know if she wants to work things out or not but I’m in no position to make demands. The only way I can stop this cycle is to say I want a divorce. I don’t so I’m unwilling to say it.

Counseling is helping me and I read constantly. I take full responsibility for my actions and I am willing to do anything for another chance.

I guess I’m just looking for any advice or encouraging words… or criticism…

Thank you!

robby, i'm sorry you have have a need for this website but you have found a good place. i know there will be others with more (better?) advice but here is what i have to offer, and it is actually what i am needing to hear today too.

i cheated on my H, for an extended period of time. i confessed 3/21 and i want to build a better marriage now. we were married for 15yrs prior to this mess and i just wanted out of the marriage for so long but my H would not let me go, he did not know about the A, but he knew how serious i became about leaving and he really worked hard on making improvements. so much so, he turned me around, gave me hope back for the marriage, but i found i had to confess to really make this marriage real again. now he is not wanting to move out but he is not wanting to be too close to me either. like you, i feel like i am running in circles a bit too. i just want to move forward. i think the point is, i cannot move forward without him and he is just not ready. which leaves us with more than the choice of initiating a divorce. it leaves us with the choice of loving them until they are ready to move forward. granted, a very hard thing to do, but much better choice than divorcing and walking away. i think maybe the point is, they need to see us fight for them now.

i wish you much luck. thanks for posting your story, it has actually helped me today to keep the right perspective. keep posting here, this place has done wonders for me. my prayers are with you.

bumping back up...

how are you doing robby?

Robby13, this is a long haul as FL has stated. I am a BS and the one thing FL said that hit home is "they need to see us fight for them now". Very, very true. Give it all your energy and love and no matter what you'll be happy you did. You cannot even begin to imagine the pain she is in. Just keep doing your best and look at it like you are trying to melt an iceberg with one cup of hot water at a time. You're making more progress than you realize. Stick with the counseling as well. Good luck.

Thank you both for your replies.

They both really helped more than you know.

FL, you actually turned my day around yesterday. Thank you. It helped me keep things in perspective. You too WOE, having it reinforced first thing this a.m. was great!

“trying to melt an iceberg with one cup of hot water at a time.” I’ll keep that in mind.

Thanks!

What do all of the initials at the bottom of posts mean? I’m pretty sure BH is Betrayed Husband but I’m not clear on the rest.

Hi Robby,

glad to see you came back, i know how hard that can be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and i'm glad my post helped you, but my response to you was out of selfish motives too, because your post helped me see i needed to read the exact same words to myself.

yes BH is betrayed husband. WS is wayward spouse, although i always read it as wandering spouse. any other ones you need clarified? let me know.

melting the iceburg one cup at a time is a good thought too.

last night i had short talk with H. he is very reluctant to do any counsoling or read any books because he feels the MC we did in the past was all for naught as i was in A during all that. he felt we were being honest, now he knows i was not being honest.

but what i told him was that the MC and Retrouvaille experience really did accomplish a lot. i was completely gone from this marriage, but all that stuff turned me around and brought me back. the fact that he is getting the information of what happened before is BECAUSE of all the work he put into the marriage.

i also tried to re-iterrate the fact that i confessed because i have a new respect for him, something he feels he has never had from me. now he has it and he is too hurt by this news to want to be close to me now. but i really do that that time will heal all wounds.

i think for so many here, the BS finds out while A is occuring and then starts into Plan A hoping to turn the WS back around. in my case, my H was doing a Plan A without knowing he was doing it due to an A(affair), he was doing it because i wanted a divorce.

i made quite a mess of things <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

anyway, i am rambling. i wish you luck in your marriage, i encourage you to keep working on yourself, be the type of H you envision yourself being irregardless of how your W is doing. You do that and everything will work out.

and keep in touch here for support if it helps you. it has helped me keep the right focus.

Hi FL-

“i also tried to re-iterrate the fact that i confessed because i have a new respect for him” "i made quite a mess of things " "i made quite a mess of things "

I wrestle with things like this all the time. It’s a very important point to get across, but, at least in my case, my BS doesn’t really believe anything I say right now. Why would she? Because I say so? Oh yeah, NOW I’m telling the truth!?! It’s a very frustrating position to be in… I desperately want her to believe me, to trust me, after I’ve given her so many reasons not to.

"i made quite a mess of things " <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

ME TOO!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But I really respect your decision to come clean. I’m glad I’m not alone. I’ve never regretted my decision to be honest, but sometimes it sure seems like it would be a whole lot easier. I guess that’s why I know it was the right decision - I (we) didn’t take the easy road…

Anyway, good luck. I just said a little prayer for you and your H. I hope he’ll open up his heart to you (even just a little bit at first!) and let you back in.


Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters. –Dr. Phil

Hey Robby,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my BS doesn’t really believe anything I say right now. Why would she? Because I say so? Oh yeah, NOW I’m telling the truth!?! It’s a very frustrating position to be in… I desperately want her to believe me, to trust me, after I’ve given her so many reasons not to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have an accurate understanding of what is going on. I applaud you for that.

You can earn your W's trust. She doesn't just "give" it to you, but you can "earn" it bit by bit (the iceberg and the cups of hot water again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Be an open book to her. Ensure she has access to cellphone bills, all your voice mail and email passwords. Tell her where you'll be and check in with her. Ensure she has access to all financial records. Put spyware on your computer and have the reports sent to her.

If you haven't gotten rid of ALL mementos, do so! No clothing, photos, cards, letters, NOTHING from the OW (other woman) should be around.

Offer to move to a new location if it will help her.

If you haven't, write a NC (no contact) letter to the OW. Have your W (wife) read it, approve it, and mail it. If OW is married, send a copy to her H.

Ask your W what else you can do to help assuage her fears. I wouldn't ask her "How can I win back your trust?" because honestly at this point she probably doesn't think she CAN trust you, and she is almost certainly struggling with that. BS (betrayed spouses) *want* that trust, as much as you do -- but their self preservation kicks in at a primal level. So ask her "What else can I do to help alleviate your fears?"

Robby13, (and FL as well) I can tell you the best gift my W ever gave me was the truth. She confessed her ONS within a couple weeks. It made this 3 year struggle a lot more doable. I have said many times I knew she would sleep with the OM before he did. I really believe that but was powerless to stop it. But I needed her to be honest with me and it has helped. I can very easily articulate the reason it meant so much to me. I have from time to time had doubts about various relationships she has had. This removed all doubt because it told me she could not have previously conducted an A. The burden is too great for her to handle. I may dilluting my message a bit but the truth via confession is awesome. It says a lot about you (FL as well). Hang in there and stick around here.

Turtlehead, I can so relate to that self preservation kicking in. The pain is such that you need to put in protective mechanisms even on a subconscious level. You also become a great detective too (just one more benefit).

WOE

Be an open book to her. Ensure she has access to cellphone bills, all your voice mail and email passwords.
I am, she does.

Tell her where you'll be and check in with her.
I do, except for during work hours. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to be bothered at her new job.

Ensure she has access to all financial records.
She does.

Put spyware on your computer and have the reports sent to her.
Haven’t, but “She is a very smart, intuitive woman” and accused me of things I actually didn’t do based on the history cache on our PC. Which brings up another problem. My W accused me of having an A long before I did. She acted very jealous when I had contact with other women (not OW) and once even accused me of having an A with her sister. (Has since said she was joking.) So the problem is that when I made a choice to tell her the truth it wasn’t as much/bad as she had suspected.

If you haven't gotten rid of ALL mementos, do so! No clothing, photos, cards, letters, NOTHING from the OW (other woman) should be around.
Not a problem, never had anything.

Offer to move to a new location if it will help her.
We did that, only problem is that we did it while I was still lying to her.

If you haven't, write a NC (no contact) letter to the OW. Have your W (wife) read it, approve it, and mail it.
Did this!

So ask her "What else can I do to help alleviate your fears?"
I will do this. When I get the opportunity.

I’ve only been on this site for 2 days but it does lift my spirit!

Thanks all!