This is totally, utterly, and completely disrespectful, uncool, etc. Basically, you have broken no contact, and I PRAY that your wife and her husband come here and see that you two have been keeping up with contact through these notes about how lost you are without each other, how you were better people, in love, hurting, blah blah puke, blah blah puke. And if you wife told you to get packing, she, I hope you know, would be founded.

You have broken no contact in this action, and had the BALLS to do it on a pro-marriage, christian based site where so many people are FIGHTING EARNESTLY WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS for their marriages (regardless of whether they are the BS or WS).

We want to help and support you, but most of us, especially most of us BSes, HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEING PLAYED THE FOOL BY ANY WAYWARD SPOUSES ANYMORE. No thanks...been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and it sucked...

I would gladly offer my perspective, prayers, sympathy, and best wishes to ANY earnest spouse, betrayed or wayward, who was SERIOUS about wanting to rebuild their marriage.

You two have stooped to a new low...and I would highly recommend that you do what you both KNOW is the right thing. Perhaps one of you can stay here and get support, and the other can go to Save Your Marriage Central to get support.

But do not misuse, disrespect, or LIE to the kind people who unselfishly invest their time and energy and experiences to help you.

UNCOOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

sigh...

LIL: please read what I posted on the previous page...it is sincerely meant...

you can achieve N/C but it all starts in your head...by taking a positive approach that you WILL do it...by doing what it takes, making the effort, doing the hard work...

perhaps you can see from the anger vented here how much it HURTS to be a BS...people are very protective of your W as a fellow BS...and people (both WS and BS) are very protective of the concept of honesty...

the harsh reaction is a reaction to the thought of anyone being lied to...

we all value honesty here...

we should all value respect here as well...

on the bright side, perhaps some of these postings will help you to see how wonderful your W is...that she can overcome these kinds of STRONG emotions and love you, honour her M vows to remain with you for better or worse, take the very scary step of working on a new M with you...

your W is a strong, compassionate woman to do so...don't underestimate how tough it is to commit to someone who has injured you to the core of your being...how tough it is to commit to remaking a healthy M...

you both have struggles ahead of you but I believe that together you will make it...

all the best to you...awed

What to say?? My intentions were not to hurt anyone, never where, but yet it continues to happen. When I posted this morning I had no idea about any of this. I was actually working when my W called to tell me people had posted and there were questions. I did stop by the house and logged into reply. You are all correct in the fact the R&P Spree is the OW,however my W and you are the ones that brought that to my attention.

My response to her was sincere and is what I am feeling. I would have gave the same response to anyone else. Once I replied I went back to work only to get a call from my W saying I was taking a lot of abuse. So here I am. Had I taken the time to investigate I would have found that R&P was VR which was the OW. I had no intentions on communicating with OW, especially here, What kind of idiot do you take me for?? Wait dont answer that, I already know.

I am very suprised how many of you jumped to conclusions that this was a set up just to contact OW. Had I wanted to talk to her I would have done it in a different way. Sorry to those that feel I had betrayed them and think this is a game!

i thought i felt sick enough already.

can't people register as different people to include different member numbers?

just a sad, sad day and situation, and make me think i need to get away from here so i won't read stuff like this.

lil:

Believe me, you'll abuse yourself plenty in the months and years 2 come, even if you truly end contact now, once and for all.

We don't need 2 abuse you.

You also have 2 understand where many people here are coming from. It didn't take much of an imagination 2 make the assumption that you were using the 4um for contact. whether you were or not isn't important now. What you do is.

best,
-ol' 2long

LIL ok so you want to work on your M and I did start this thread. Ok so if you want to make this right get a new email on Yahoo or something and reregister under a new name and don't post under this one anymore. I'm going to suggest the same to RJ. I wouldn't post my story because most of us here have it. I'd just post with questions that you want answered or if you have suggestions. I don't know if anyone else is but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here so don't dissapoint us just reregister ok.

maybe someone can volunteer to be a mentor and you guys could just email each other away from here.

double deep sigh... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LIL: please try not to take the hurt feelings, angry words and assumptions personally...in fact, I specifically monitored this thread and came back on again earlier this afternoon to give you some perspective on the whys behind the judgemental words from others...

to be very blunt: only you know your intentions...only you know what is in your heart...you do not need to justify or explain your behaviour to anyone here...your only obligation is to your W...she deserves honesty, compassion and respect...

I know it is difficult to do so, but perhaps you could explore the issues raised instead of reacting against the unfounded accusations?

N/C with OW starts in your head...regardless of whether or not she's posting here, you were already writing and thinking about her...

you need to have a strategy in order to get through withdrawal and into a successful recovery...

you have no control over what others think, say or do...but you do have control over what is in your head...and the actions you take...

forget about what others are thinking, saying or doing: concentrate on you and your M...what do you plan to do next?

take care...awed

hummmmmm Very interesting!

There is a saying that if you are going to lie, you need to have a good memory.

Lost, you said that the OW read and posted here, NOT YOUR WIFE.

Was it the OW that called and told you about this realization at MB, that the two of you were 'former' lovers?

If your wife is reading this thread and you KNOW she reads it; then you are a very cruel man because you have said things about your feelings for the OW that would hurt your wife DEEPLY.

And we remember that your wife and your OW were best friends before you and 'very regretful' started screwing each other. (And screwing everyone else in the process!)

Just don't screw over us at MB...we have had enough lies, that we don't need any from you!

Just fess up, if you ARE withholding information, and trying to cover your butt as it would be better in the long run.
Sincerely, Julie
P.S. I just re-read what I wrote and it sounds like I am calling you a liar...I probably am but please just take it as "Julie's opinion only".

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

If your wife is reading this thread and you KNOW she reads it; then you are a very cruel man because you have said things about your feelings for the OW that would hurt your wife DEEPLY.
No he's not cruel. He's spilling his guts and if his wife chooses to read his posts, she have to just take it.

He (LiL) is here to get things sorted out and right now there is stuff he needs to express that his wife may not want (or need) to hear at this time.

Besides, the first post is, "Can you give us some more on your story if your willing there are a lot of people here that would be willing to help you out."
Should he speak up only if he's not gonna give us the truth? Everyone is doggin' on him in the other thread for (perhaps) not being competely honest..

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris I'm with you on this, I think everyone is assuming the worst. That's why I made my suggestion a little while ago to reregister. I don't think anyone in thier right mind that was doing NC would have contact here, it would be like mowing grass in a minefield. JMHO

good for you Chris! awed

Not that it matters, but I don't necessarily agree. Whether or not LIL intentended on his words reaching the OW or not - they certainly weren't geared towards helping his marriage or healing his wife. He KNEW his wife would read - and he KNEW it would hurt. Honest? Yea, maybe. But I don't remember being patted on the back for 'honestly' pining away for the OM. It was 'honestly' still an unproductive act. I'm not about to pat him on the back and go 'there there'. But that's just me.

It's my STRONG feeling that either the WH or the OW go. Because I WAS the WW at one time and the OM posted on my board. I knew he read and I often felt myself posting in the hopes he would read - I also often scanned the messages in case he'd changed his screenname and was posting to me. Withdrawl is ugly and difficult WITHOUT added distraction.

I haven't forgotten AT ALL that these are people - hurting people. But that doesn't make them any less responsible for what they do. Change isn't easy for anyone - and I won't pretend that it is by softening up what I see as the cold hard facts.

Don't try to play the victim here, LIL. Have a little consideration for why people would feel badly about what happend here. Once again there seems to be no remorse.

But I don't remember being patted on the back for 'honestly' pining away for the Om
Okay.
But I had not yet got around to slamming him for it yet!

I'm not sure if that was intended as sarcasm or if you were honestly joking. Either way - I don't feel that I SLAMMED him once. I also don't think I BASHED him or TRASHED him or any other horrible thing. I certainly don't agree that attacking another poster helps - and nowhere did I say it did. So if it WAS sarcasm - keep it, it's just as unhelpful as SLAMMING and BASHING and whatever else.

I think what happend was bad, and if it was done knowingly was something they should feel remorse about. If it WASN'T intentional then it's STILL not a good idea for them to post here together. How can they TRULY have NC and heal and move forward if they can read the others thoughts any time they want.

If we're encouraging honesty from him and the wife is supposed to thank him for it - then I think we have the same right to that honesty - as long as it's not brought across in a demeaning or bashing way.

Heh - uh....one other possibility has appeared to me...that you were possibly SERIOUS???

Forgive my defensiveness.

Congrats for being nominated for the Cheez Whiz award! (leave it to WAT) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am sorry if I jumped to conclusions, or did not give him the benefit of the doubt. I am sorry if hearing the reactions from all these people who have been lied to and betrayed and abused, somehow touched on some sort of nerve for LIL. This board is so important for so many of us, sometimes I think it is the only place I can go where someone will understand where I am coming from. So, in that instant when I thought that was being used to feed an affair, I was really mad, and have to admit, still am a little defensive.

I do wish his marriage well. I do wish them a healed relationship, a whole family, and a fulfilling love.

I just don't want to be lied to. And it felt very manipulative. And, let's be honest, we can easily feel manipulated, based on what we have all experienced. And, if you wayward spouses are honest, you will admit that you did some really low, horrifying things to try and continue to be in some sort of contact, having some sort of finger on the pulse of the soul of the other person, that you probably lied straight out to your spouse, friends, clergymen, and everyone else that could see you coming from a mile away. So, it was not totally ridiculous and outside of the realm of possibility that LIL had the wrong intentions and to deduct that was what was happening.

Your betrayed wife shared with you some of the feedback you were getting on the thread. I have a question....how did SHE feel when SHE realized you were posting on your former lovers thread?

It really doesn't matter what I think. Or what other's think. Honestly, I believe that. If LIL's wife believes it was some sort of innocent coincidence, than, that is all that matters. She knows him the best out of anyone. And if she trusts and is comfortable with that, who the hell and I to have anything to say?

It only matters what your wife thinks. And if she is truly, truly using the MB principles, especially the principle of RADICAL HONESTY, what is her HONEST take on it? That is really all LIL needs to worry about. What did she think?

And you know, I don't necessarily think it was bad for him to vent his withdrawal on the site. I mean, from what we have read, what we have experienced through other posts, withdrawal sucks, and the wayward spouse suffers, and the marriage has a better chance of surviving when the betrayed spouse knows what you are feeling and experiencing. Because, bottom line is, there can be NO MORE SECRETS. And if that means that you have to share that you are hurting like hell from withdrawal, then I think she deserves to know, so, in her love, she can pray for you, comfort you, and ulitmately, eventually aide you into falling back in love with her, and rebuilding your marriage.

I still maintain that this site is an excellent place to come for insights, opinion, expert advice, and the heart and soul of a lot of people who are rooting for your marriage. There are very few places where you will find people who are suffering so acutely in their own situation, putting aside their own hurts, to literally pour their hearts into helping you save your marriage. This truly is a wonderful gift, LIL, and I just felt so personally insulted to have thought you would have disrespected that. Thus, my strong reaction.

So I am sorry if I thought the worst of you LIL. I hope you can accept my apologies.

LIL's wife, I feel your pain daily. Only, you had the added pain of feeling betrayed by a close female friend to. Your heart must be so broken. LIL is lucky to have you...one day he will realize that.

My prayers are with you both.

CV
You dont have to appologize. I understand where everyone is comming from. My W and I discussed this earlier and I now see how easy it was for people to believe I was just using this board for my pleasure. My W does know the truth and you are right I am lucky to have her. I have taken steps to assure that this does not happen again.
Sorry for the pain and anger this cause so many.
lil

lost - I for one believe you. I do think you have come here for help.

Dear Hope4future

I wish my now ex wife could read your post.
Instead she is living with the man she left me for and we both face the split holidays the split family......You are lucky