Thursday night after WW goes to bed at about 8:00 p.m. my 4 yo DD comes to me and tells me that OM tried to get her to come to his jeep that day while playing in my cousins yard. She ran inside but it freaked her out. Since he is on probation with a no contact order from the court for my whole family I call his probation officer on Monday and tell him what happened. He says well if you want it on record the police will have to interview DD but the way it works is everyone gets one warning and he is getting his today anyway. I say for what? He says for going out of state with your W. HUH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Supposedly there had been no contact since sometime in March although I had doubts starting about two weeks ago. To make a long story short my W's bought a new car last week, we live by a state line and the dealship is in another state. I guess when you are on probation you can only leave the state with permission from your probation officer. This dumb@ss was bragging about W's new car at work and one of the lady's that he works with is a cops wife. She is familiar with our whole mess so she tells hubby he calls the dealership and sure enough she was there with OM. This was verified by two people.

I find this out about 10 a.m. and while I'm out WW calls and says she is going to lunch with a girlfriend instead of with me. With my newfound knowledge I drive to her office about 11:30 no W. Drive by OM's home and work he is nowhere to be found. About 12:30 I run into the girlfriend she is supposed to be having lunch with but no W. Anyway, about 3:00 she shows up at her office and low and behold OM shows up at his house within seconds.

I was afraid I would LB if I saw her, although at this point I'm not sure it matters, so I called her and told her that I loved her more than anything in the world then hung up and left to try and get my head together. I got home about 8:00 and here's where it gets good, when I say aren't you curious what the probation officer said today she said, oh yeah, I was wondering. Here concern overwhelmed me. I tell her what was said and she blows up and denies the whole thing. Says it is some big lie to cause trouble with us. I say what are you talking about both the owner and the salesperson said they saw a dark headed man that was not your husband follow you in in a white jeep and then leave with you in your new car. Why would they say that and how would they know what OM drives? She said it is a big conspiricy and that everyone was out to get her. Do WS's think we are stupid or what?

I then asked her about lunch in a very non confrontational manner and she said oh I forgot I had a dentists appointment. I said but you and the kids just went two weeks ago. She got really pissed said some mean stuff I LB'ed and told her I would give here a D and she could keep everything if I could just have the kids. She said I'm going to bed and she did. I went around and kissed all the kids then told her I thought I should leave before anything else was said. I kissed her on the forehead and left.

I came home this a.m. to take my son to school and she says where were you last night? I said I slept in my truck. She said no really where were you and who were you with. Amazing, I guess it's like my dear ol' daddy used to say. You judge others by yourself.

Ya know I love my W and I want our marriage to work but if OM is in the picture I might as well give up. He talked her into D once and it will happen again and this can't be good for the kids. 11 yo knows what is going on and I can tell he is just getting sick of the whole deal. As far as 3 and 4 yo how do you explain that this man that tried to shoot their daddy, yes he did that, and that they are terrifed of is mommie's new friend? It's not like they won't find out sooner or later. Besides the sneaking out has started again and they already want to know why mommy is gone all the time.

Mr. E catching the blues. Over and out.

Hi Mr. E. I just wanted to reply to let you know that someone is thinking about you. My situation is very different, so I can't really give any suggestions. I admire your attention to your children at a time when you must be hurting very much. And I can certainly see why you need to keep OM away from them. I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.

Gayle, thank you for the kind words.

Mr. E. - focus on what you want. If you want to save your marriage then keep the focus on that and stay in Plan A.
You need control of your life and if that is what you want that keep the control in your court.
Don't let her fog-ish lies through you off.

Mr. E, please take what I say as an emotional reaction, and probably not a good MB reply. But this OM is on probation, tried to shoot you, and attempted to get your DD to go to his jeep. Your W seems to be so fogged out she is willing to put the whole family in danger. This seems to be an extra dangerous outcome of her A, and I hope some of the wise ones here will comment on it. I won't say anything else because it is pissing me off. Just take care of you and your children. CV

I would notify the police about his behavior and his PO. I would get a restraining order too. This guy sounds like bad news. It is not an LB to protect your family.

Well, I decided to "pop" in for a few minutes on MB and end up getting completly derailed schedule wise because I cannot believe your story! Wow.

I haven't posted to you before but FYI I am a FWS who was involved with a dangerous OM just as your wife is. It is very difficult for those who have never encountered people minus the normal societal boundries, to understand what kind of havoc these people create.

I have always lived a normal type life ie: no drama. I am hyper-responsible to those around me and have always worked hard to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend I can be. I have basically always lived my life for others. OM on the other hand, always lives his life for himself.

There was something about meeting someone who appears "free", someone who appears to live out side the box that appealed to me. My complete opposite. Your wife has taken up with someone like this and she seems from your posts to be very similar to me. Good wife, good mother, good worker meets loser.

The problem is that the controlling and aggressive nature of the OM causes a huge hitch in recovery for the WS and danger for the WSs family. Mr. E, I went along with MANY things because of my fear that OM would harm my husband. MANY things.

It can appear to the BS that WS is doing these things of her own volition and trying to cover them up on purpose but I would ask you to consider that this may not be so.

In your case OM has outed your wife, held a gun to you, hung a sex toy on her business door, tried to get your little girl into his car and I'm sure there are things you have not even mentioned.

This guy is a criminal lunatic. Your wife is a smart cookie who says she liked him because he was so dumb, made her feel smart. Well, guess what he's not as dumb as she thinks. SHE IS IN OVER HER HEAD!

Please visit this website www.drjoecarver.com and read and print out the article titled (I think) The warning signs of a Loser. This is a psychological construct by Dr. Carver which describes twenty characteristics of an abuser.

Please print this and give it to your wife! It was a huge revelation to me that I was dealing with a high risk individual even though I was the one going through the threatening, manipulation, guilting and even rapes with this idiot. I just could not see it clearly. Dr. Carver's article titled Stockholm Syndrome explains this phenomenon.

Please don't give up on your wife yet, Mr. E! She needs you to save her from herself and from OM. My husband, as angry as he was, loved me through out this whole thing and we are doing great in recovery. He hung in there through one horrible revelation after another. It's been 20 months now and when I think of the things I did and said back then, I want to weep. He saved me.

I am very impressed with the sense of humor that peeks through your posts through out all of this. (I went back through them all this AM.) You have been through so much! How's the wrist?

I want to stress that your wife is in a unique situation due to the OM's nature. I'm hopeful that you gain more understanding of her and hope for the recovery of your marriage by visiting the web site I referenced. It's not impossible, Mr. E but it will be that much harder due to the circumstances. Please don't give up! I would be more than happy to talk with your wife either here on MB or privately if she wishes.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with Stunned Dads story here on MB. His wife was also involved with a predator, you might want to look up his story. They are doing pretty well now, I understand. Don't lose hope....let me know what you think of the Carver articles. Both H and I are pulling for you!!! KB

P.S the edit is because in preview mode the format looked correct but came out wrong when posted. Oh well. I'll have to see if it's fixed by trying again. Weird, here goes.

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: knewbetter ]</small>

Thank you for the replies. Yeah OM is a real winner. When I asked WW what she saw in him she said she could be irresponsible with him and that he was so dumb he made her feel really smart which she is to begin with. When he was arrested in order to get free legal help he had to list his assests. They were as follows; $30 & a 1986 jeep that he owes $8,000 on. The guy is 35 yo and has $30 bucks to his name.

It is so bizzare up till about last July WW was an upstanding well respected business women that took her kids to work with her because she thought that was the right thing to do. People in the small town we live in called her super mom. She was even written up in the local paper. She no longer takes the kids to work, has put the entire family in danger, run her business almost into the ground, pissed off the entire police force, and besmerched my good family name, and I swear for the first 12 years I knew this woman she was one of the nicest, kindest, most trustworthy human beings I had ever met.

Spoke to her briefly at lunch, she called me, and she is sticking to her guns that there is still NC. Of course it is all a lie but it makes it hard to deal with some of the serious issues at hand. I did tell her, you realize that if you had a relationship with OM even if we were D'ed you could never have the kids because they are terrified of him. She just said yes I know that but I don't want anything to do with him. Oh okay.

Thanks again and remember it's a great day to be alive.

knewbetter, we must have been typing at the same time but with this cast I'm kind of slow thank you for asking. Funny I was describing my W and I could interchange it with your description of yourself. Any input from you would be most appriciated.

Haven't had a chance to go to the website but I thank you in advance and for your offer to speak with W. I hope at some point she will take you up on it. Please keep in touch.

One thing you touched on was something WW told me when A was first exposed. She told me she went along with it when it was getting out of control because OM said he was a former gang member that could have me taken out at anytime.

One of the attorneys that dealt with him said he was the most convincing liar he had ever met. He even went as far as to say he was Charle's Manson like.

^ Bump^ We posted at almost the same time but I disappeared because of the edit. Don't want you to miss the post. It actually explains your last one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, the good liar thing. I know that one. The OM however did not seem like he was lying when he said he'd cut my husband's c*ck off to ensure he wasn't sleeping with me. He also was dead serious when he asked me about life insurance. I of course lied and said we had none. His gun to the head thing sure seemed real too. Geeze.

This OM doesn't have a pot to p*ss in either and targets prosperous women. I guess when you're unemployed you have lots of time to plan your con. UGH! (I just remembered you lost your job. So sorry but it will give you time to plot your recovery! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

The Manson analogy is good but makes it seem like they look like crazy men. This OM does not. He was very convincing as he impersonated a police officer, looks just like one. Clean cut, built ect.

No matter what these guys look like, they have the uncanny ability to con a woman and keep her on the hook either through guilt or fear. I feel for your wife, she's trapped even through NC because the guy is so flagrantly aggressive. Creep.