Around early March, my wife told me she wanted a D out of the blue. It hit me as a big suprise due to us just buying a brand new house and with out seeing any signs of problems. No real fighting or anger, no alcohol abuse, no physical/mental abuse. She had been seeing someone for about 3 weeks before she made the decision to move out. She had known him for around 6 weeks total. Before our M, our relationship had been plagued by other people. Mostly due to us being forced to not live together. I am 21, she is 20(very young for this, we know).

Since she moved out early March, we have been keeping a very open dialogue and been going through what I am sure are the usual ups an downs of withdrawls or regrets. She has made 3 or 4 attempts to come back home, each time resulting in her freaking out about losing/hurting him and leaving the same night or the next morning. Another problem that she says concerns her is that my father/sister live in our house now. He has had 11 heart attacks including quad. bybass surgery and has trouble keeping a stressfull job. So after speaking with her breifly(mistake) I had him and my sister come to live with me. Now that she left, i belive her immense guilt is making it hard for her to face my father/sis. so it makes our house very uncomfterble for her to be in.

As of right now she is the one who showed me this site and we still have the occasional intimacy that we used too. She has a desire to keep this M going but she has no desire to give him up. I have been in the opposite situation just a little over 2 1/2 years ago only i was on the opposite side of the matter. I understand it is hard to give that person up but she is actually willing to spend the rest of her life together with him. There is allready talk of a new M with him and kids(which we dont have).

There has been a continued flip flop between her comming home or not... In the 6 years we have been together, we have been through experiences like this before, but nothing so serious. I love her more than life itself and am willing to do anything I can to help her come home and put this behind us. Her desire seems to be variable from week to week. She is still constantly lieing to the other guy about her feelings for me and where/who she was with or at. She still wants to be with me but doesnt seem to be able to give up her addiction to him. How should I be treating her, how is she supposed to come home and give him up? I am too young for this crap... Thanks for all the help ahead of time.

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: MikeB ]</small>

well mike, i'm going through a really rough time right now so i don't feel i can say a lot but please please please read all you can here and on the homepage, read the books by dr. harley, and post post post. sometimes it takes posting to others before they start posting to you. don't give up hope and your situation sounds very hopeful to me. other members will reply soon. has there been any counseling? either individually or marriage? there's no time like the present. remember God is the best counselor of all, he's always available, and free. prayers to you.

mike
The only thought I have is on your family living with you. I know how much you feel you need to be there for them, but this has a big impact on a marriage. I am a WH that when I left my mother in-law would stay at my house. I would avoid this place at all cost so I would not have to face her. My mother in-law was constantly at our house during our marriage and even went on family vacations. She stopped by every night and would eat dinner with us. I wish I had said something so many years ago. We never focused on each other. I feel that had a very negative impact on my marriage. I am not trying to give advice but only trying to give you the experiences in my life.

The good things is that it does sound like your WS L you and wants to work. Stay positive.

Best of luck

Mike
You are correct, you are too young for this crap. That she found this site and told you about it is a positive sign. I am too new here to give much advise but the OM has to go before ya'll can make any progress. Study this site. Hang in there.

How do we go about getting the OM out of our lives and her moved back in? She wants to come home in one hand and doesnt want to lose him in the other. One of the things we tried was getting her to take a week of off work and go up to my mothers for the time. We went to a concert the first weekend and everything seemed like it was going to be allright. The next weekend the same. Its only when she is in the house and my family is around that everything starts falling apart. This sucks. Thanks everyone.

Hello MikeB,

Welcome to MB.

Your WW's flip flopping on what she wants to do is what they all do so that is normal for a WS.Have you purchased the book: 'Surviving an Affair'by Dr.Harley? That would be a good place to start and also get the book: 'His Needs Her Needs' by Dr.Harley.

How long have you been married?

Read up on Plan A and all the concepts here at MB.If you are still sexually active with your WW and she is till seeing OM too then be sure you are using protection and you should both be tested for STD's.

Right now you are going to have to try your best to fill her EN's(emotional needs) to help her see her way home to you.Right now she is getting EN's met by both you and the OM but you have to be the more "attractive" choice and that's what the Plan A will help with and also doing the EN's questionnaries,hopefully she will do them with you.The books I mentioned will also help you to deal with what is happening and how best to communicate with your WW without fighting(LB's).

What you'll also have to discuss with your WW is NC(no contact).If she is ever to have a chance at repairing your marriage she has to be willing to give up OM or she will be a cake eater/fencesitter,someone(WS) who cannot decide which person to be with.Right now it is obvious from what you say that she is very conflicted.

The other method to use at this time is exposure.If the OM is married then you will need to tell his wife.If not then also consider exposing this A to anyone who can put pressure on the two of them to stop what they are doing.Do they work together? How did they meet?

Lastly,did you ask your dad/sister to come live with you for support or why exactly?

O

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

We have been living together off and on for 5 1/2 years and we have been married just 1 3/4 years.

Well, hes not married anymore. He is 30(she is 20), two kids, drinking problems, and trouble holding jobs. But as I understand it, he is very nice to her and treats her with alot of respect. Which was one of my failures before hand. As far as moral pressure, her family knows and only her grandparents/aunts are putting pressure on her to come home. She isnt speaking with her Mother and her Dad is telling her to do what she wants(big help there). As far as his family is concerned, I dont think there is anyone who would really care, but I will try.

My father cant live on his own anymore any my sister was involved in an abusive household at my mothers. I am pretty much just putting a roof over thier heads and helping them out. I can find a solution for them living here but it would be something that I might regret in the future if she decides to keep flip floping so I am afraid to make the comitment to moving them.

Hi again Mike,

I commend you on putting your family first.If only your WW would do that too,huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

First things first.Don't wworry about your dad/sister living at home with you.It is so wonderful that they both have a safe,loving home to live in and so what if your WW is a bit embarrassed to be seenthere.That is her own making and just two of the numerous people she has to face with what she is doing(Adutlery).

Sounds like a real winner,this OM.More fuel for the fire in the future.He obviously is just stroking her ego and making many promises I'm sure.But here is your chance to be as respectful as you can,admit your mistakes and do your best to try and make the necesaary changes to have a better marriage.Part of Plan A's effects.

No matter the age,past history or or baggage we all have,if two people are willing to work on a relationship,then it can be everything they want it to be.ANY relationship,including marriage,takes work so hopefully your WW will understand this and see that jumping from one man to the next isn't going to solve her issues.You are both very young but that doesn't mean it's hopeless.

Start doing a Plan A,see if you can get your WW here for some help,if you are ok with that.We can try to stear her in the right direction if she'll let us.Also,get those books,especially SAA(Surviving an Affair) and see if she'll read that too.It is informative.And get to those EN's as soon as you can.This will help you understand what you should be doing in the Plan A.Keep coming back to post.We're here for ya.

O

Thanks O
Where do I start as far as Plan A. I am brand brand new to this site and have barely had a good chance to look around. Where is the best place to start? I have gone through the basic concepts but dont know where to go that would be specific to our situation. Again thank you for helping.

Ok,

If you go to the top of this page and click on Q&A under where it says Marriage Builders,that will bring up another list, so then look for How to Survive Infidelity under the Q&A Columns at the left.Click on that and then at the left again,you will see a long list of issues and topics to discuss and at the bottom,is the question: What are Plan A and B? The rest of the list is interesting too.I read all of it when I first came here.It is also in the book SAA.

Hope that helps for now.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks for the info. I see what plan's A/B are now. It seems as if I have been in a mutant Plan A for the last 3 months and after her last attempt to come home, she has been acting very strange. The reason I say mutant is because we did have a lot of LB's interfere with us when we were together. I also attempted a form of Plan B without knowing it a couple time as well. Which has led to my current situation. She 'says' she still wants to work this out and that she is going to give it another try. However, she has become very unresponsive and closed off. The time we spend around each other is now very uncomfterble and surrounded by topic avoiders. How do I break the discomfert again so we can be ourselves around eachother?

Mike,

Have you considered MC(marriage counseling)?

This might be the next step so you can learn how best to communicate about the A.When this happened to me,it was very awkward talking with my WH.My counselor was going to show us how best to discuss what happened and how to have a better marriage but alas,we never got too far.I had two false recoveries with WH and we only went to MC together a handful of times,all the other times I went alone to deal with my pain and anguish and learn how to cope.

Have you suggested reading the books together and doing the questionnaires since WW is responsive to trying to reconcile?

O

Hi again O,
Yes, MC is on the infamous list of things to try. I am going to see her here in a few hours and I am hoping I will be able to nail her down to attending with me. I am also hopeing that the Lord will let the ice break between us again today. I will see what she says about reading the books together and filling out the questionairs together. Thats a maybe with her. I can't seem to get any time with her when she is not at work. She works in a warehouse all by herself so its a good environment to talk in, but she is so afraid of letting the OM know that she is still talking to me that I never get any time with her outside of it. I think I will try and get ahold of that book today. Right now it just feels as if i am the only one trying to get us back together again and it is somewhat frustrating. Oh well.

Just a question. Is there actually any real hope of us getting through this? Does anyone ever get thier WS back for good? It feels like a lost cause right now and its hard to fight hard for one. Again, Thank You.

Mike,

There is no guarantee that a WS will come back to the marriage but after being here for 8 months and reading everything possible on Infidelity,this is the best place for support I have found and I also agree with Dr.Harley's approach.He has years and years of experience with Infidelity and has counseled numerous couples.So if there is a chance at all,this is the place to be.

I know how you feel about the hoplessness.I have been with my WH since I was a teenager.We were first loves,best friends and have been together for more than half our lives.Not only was I devastated about the Adultery but about losing what I felt was half of ME! We had a very loving marriage and cherished our daughters and all of a sudden,on October 11th,my world came crashing down.

BUT,like so many other's here,you will grow beyond belief.You will find strength that you never knew you had,and meet many kind and helpful people here.I had to face,probably my biggest fear,the possibility of being without my WH.That was VERY difficult for me but I faced it and now I am a much stronger,wiser woman for having faced that fear.

No one knows if we will stay with our WS's once this happens,we try and read and educate ourselves.But a WS is so profoundly changed that some just end up on a journey all their own and one day you may have to let go.I am facing that now,I am letting go.It is scary but at least you can feel confident in your heart that you did your best and gave it your all.That is why we are here.Just follow that course and no matter what happens in the end,you can be assured that the marriage didn't fail because you didn't care or give it time.So do that.Give your best so you can look back and know that you,at least,did the right thing.

O

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Well yesterday went horribly, we were OK at first but it all went downhill from there.

I am trying so hard to keep us together but she just seems so uncaring and heartless at times. She cant make up her mind and cant stop hurting me. She was so hatefull and resentfull talking to her yesterday that I couldnt do anything right and the issues she brought up were the old and dead ones from years ago. I just feel so helpless at times like now and cant seem to keep my feet moving forward. I know how she really feels about me and the feeling is mutual, i just dont know what she is doing and how she can continue to live her life lieing to herself the way she is. I also cant call her after the things she said or until she appologizes. I wish I could but then my resolve to stop being hurt would be questioned. I also dont see it doing any good. So I have to wait for her to call and appologize I guess.

She is begining to dislike the counsler idea. And there doesnt seem to be anything I can do about it. I would like to continue Plan A until the counsiling doesnt work but now I am in a pickle due to the falling out we had yesterday. There doesnt seem to be anything I can say or do that will help her.

I keep hearing stories of WS's that didnt work things out and how badly they let thier addiction to thier feelings and guilt ruin thier lives. I love her so much and I want what is best for her so bad. I want her to lead a happy life and be happy in it. But if she is lieing to herself to convince herself she is happy then it seems as if hope is lost. Stories like that put even more fear in my heart because I know how hard she latches on to people when she feels pressure.

Something I decided last night, weather or not she comes back, I am going to have my Father move in with his mom and have my sister go to my mothers. Hopefully she will see how serious I am about changing myself and our lifestyle but one way or another, it is not healthy for my Dad to be living with me when there are other options open for him.

Sorry, I know that I am rambling but i needed to put my feelings out there on paper. All I can do right now is wait and I hate waiting in a state like this. I just wish she would come around sometime soon. I love her.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: MikeB ]</small>

I have another quesion concerning revealing. WS and her father have been talking intensly ever since the OM revealed what was going on after my WS broke it off with him the first time. The OM also contacted her mother the same morning at 4:15AM right after hanging up with her father. My question is should I even bother talking to them? Because of our past my MIL doesnt have any affection for me and my FIL is indifferent. However, I still feel as if my side of the story is not out there yet. Should I talk to them? How will it affect my relationship with my WW? What else do I need to take into consideration?

Another problem is revealing to the OM my WW's actions with me. We have had SF and he still has no idea that she lied to him about the last time she left(see below). Should I call and tell him the truth about what really happend? Should i leave it be? I feel a sense of urgency and it's driving me insane.

What happend around a two weeks ago... She made an attempt to leave her OM by taking a week off from work. The friday she got off she told the OM she was going to her Mothers for the time. When in reality we were both heading to a 4star hotel in Atlanta for the Midtown Music Festival. After the concert was over, I was feeling pretty good about our future together. We were talking and being affectionate and playfull. Sunday rolls around and I drive her up to my Mothers house for the duration of the week where she breaks it off with him on the wednesday. I head back up there Friday and she is allready freeking out. She is acting cold and off towards me. However the plan still remained the same. Come Sunday, the OM calls her entire family and reveals to them what has been going on for the last 3 mos. all because she hadnt talked to him for 3days. Sunday night we got home and things started getting ugly. I fell asleep to her being cold and resentfull. I woke up to an empty bed. She had left around 3:30 and drove up to thier place but said she didnt see him(yeah right) and came back to give me a ride to work around 6:45(I am rebuilding the motor in my car right now). That day she got back together with him and I gave her an ultimatum... Follow me home(in a borrowed truck) or never give me up forever. For some reason it seems like the ultimatum was a bad idea. Needless to say she didnt follow me back and was VERY regretfull the next day, however, not enough to bring her home.

Hi Mike,

You sound like you are floundering all over.Ok. Let's regroup.

First of all,if you really want the best chance at saving your marriage YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES.A lot of what happens in the beginning for newbies is that they are so worried,anxious,hurt,confused,etc that they don't know what they are doing from one day to the next.It is perfectly understandable of course going through this horrible time.

So,you need to remind yourself to keep doing the Plan A for now.I know it will be hard and most of us think the WS should be kissing the ground we walk on and begging for forgiveness but that's not going to happen right now,nor will your WW be remorseful or regretful much if at all, because the WS is so caught up in their own drama.You also have to stop giving ultimatums.You know that that will not work as you have seen and only drives the WS into the arms of the OP.You have to be seen as the one she feels safe with and can come back to and how will that happen if you are LB'ing all the time and telling her off.She will not feel safe.

You are definitely in a fight for your marriage here since this OM sounds particularly vengeful,spilling all to your In-Laws like that.He obviously cares not for your W or her family to try and hurt them or sway them to his side or whatever malicious thoughts he has.

As difficult as it is,you have to try and retain as much dignity and respect as you can.Be the one that is stable and has a plan.Right now your WW is very conflicted and doesn't know what to do or who to choose.Plus,she most likely feels very guilt ridden for what she is doing.Not a good time to be her.

About the In-Laws.It is a personal decision whether or not you want to tell "your side".In my case,telling my In-Laws and SIL was the best thing ever.I have had their support this whole time and I realize that I am very blessed to have this support.I would broach the subject with your IL's very carefully,explaining that your WW is hurting you very much by her A but that you want to fix the problems in your marriage and make it a better one,etc.Something like that so they know that you are not the "evil cause" of this situation.

So,here's a recap:

1) Read up on and start implementing a solid Plan A.Don't miss this opportunity to show her you can make the necessary changes to yourself and also for the marriage.

2)Get the books I mentioned,SAA and HNHN.Keep reading and learning.

3)Inform your In-Laws about your decision and that you would like to have their support for trying to mend the marriage if they are willing.

4) Don't bother with OM and what he is thinking or doing or saying or what he knows.Yes we would all like to tell the OP off and what exactly is going on but right now this is a very tenuous time and you have to focus on you,your WW and the marriage,not the slimeball OM.

5) Take care of yourself.Part of doing these plans is being ABLE to do them.If you are not sleeping,eating right or getting professional help then you may crash and burn with all the stress.Take time out for YOU.

6)Sexual fulfillment(SF)is risky here so be sure you are using protection while she may be getting it from both you and this OM whose past history is unclear at this point and may always be.Of course it is a personal decision whether or not to even have SF during this time.

7) Keep coming here to vent and talk.We are here to support you and sometimes if you just want to blow off soem steam, do it HERE,don't yell at your WW.That will only set you back,OK?

Hope this helps for now.

O

Thanks again O,
I am just having a hard time. How do I take it when she buys a cat? She never wanted a cat. They are not allowed to have cats at their apartment and he bought her one. Maybe to create another emotional tie to him? I am so confused. How can this guy be so much more spectacular then me? I have everything going for me and all he has is an evil silver tongue...
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this sucks and i dont see anyway of her coming around.

Mike,

Keep going with the Plan A. OM is definitely very insecure about things and LBing all over the place. Even buying her a cat if she didn't want one can be a heck of a LB. If you can remain calm, you may start to look pretty good in comparison again.

What are you doing for yourself right now? Remember, a major part of Plan A is taking care of yourself.

Dobie

Its not that she doesnt want the cat now, she changed somehow. I dont think that the OM is LB, infact I think it is the opposite. He is doing all kinds of nice things for her and I think its just to stop her from coming back to me and not because he wants too. Either way, all these sweet nice things that the OM is doing for her is driving me insane cause, of course, I wish it were me.