I am hoping for a reality check and advice.

My H of 18 years (2 young kids) left suddenly last December, moved in with OW. Later he got his own apartment. We filed for D and this was proceeding. Most talks between us were ugly. Surprisingly, in March, he told me he broke it off with OW and wanted to do MC and come back. I was very surprised but wanted to do it. We put D proceedings on hold and had two very good weeks. Then a fight (I did some bad LBing) and he left and went back to OW. I asked him to stay and try again - but he won't.

He called his lawyer back and had me sent some legal papers. I am trying to do Plan A. I haven't talked to him much - and I am a little uncomfortable about it since it's pretty clear he doesn't want to have discussions with me. I asked him to help me with something at the house this past weekend - he did, and I bought him a little thank you gift. But I don't even know how to do much more plan A, since any personal discussions make him uncomfortable.

But still - tonight a mediator called to schedule divorce mediation. I told her this was the first I'd heard about it - he must be so averse to talking to me that he wouldn't even tell me about this.

I'm beginning to think this is hopeless and that perhaps I should stop torturing myself and just accept that I've lost him and try to move on. If I get in that mindset then maybe things like this mediator calling tonight wouldn't be so devastating.

Thanks for any light you can shine on my situation here.

Pryaers for you.

FS,
I am truly sorry for your pain. I really think you need to look at this a lot closer. The one big question I have was why rush to D? Is that what you wanted then? I think you should do everything possible to hold off the D. A divorce never ends. Last December is not enough time to break contact. I know it is painful, but if you still love your H and want to save the M, give it more time. Do you know why he broke off with OW the first time? He really needs to see you as the better choice at this time. You will have to plan A longer because your first recovery failed.

I suggest you continue to post this site and find ways to stall the D any way you can. The A will end and when it does, your H needs to see you in the right light. All this takes alot of time and patience. The pain is immense, but in the end it is worth it. Have you read Surviving an Affair? You will need to open up more to get more advice and support. Hang in there for now and come here often. Don't give up.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Thank you lnh and R121 for your responses.

R121 - I filed for D the first time. I wasn't thinking, just reacting. H had said he didn't love me, that he couldn't remember ever loving me and that he thought he never did. I believed what he said and thought I had no other choice.

Later, I learned from here that he might not have really meant all that. When he came back the one time, I told him I never expected it and he was surprised. I told him he'd made it pretty clear when he left that he had no love for me - I'm not sure he focused on all the things he said to me on his way out the door.

When he left the first time, I was shocked, but I was also as enraged as I have ever been in my life. It was a horrible feeling. Now that he's left the second time, mostly what I feel is a terrible, terrible sadness. Most of time there isn't even a lot of anger, just despair and sadness. One therapist told me I needed some of the anger back to protect me - but I don't think that will help.

Thanks for your support. For now, I will concentrate on doing as much plan A as I possibly can. I'll try to inch my way toward having more talks with him. I don't know how much his lawyer will put up with delaying the D proceedings - but I have recently told my lawyer that I wasn't sure I would continue to retain her - so that may slow things down.

I'll keep reading here and learning.

FS,
I know you're down, but you need to get back up and be ready to do what it takes to save this M. The OW will do everything possible to keep him. I believe you have more going for you than you realize. The chidren will be a huge factor and you know him and have been married for a long time. Eventually, he will see the flaws of the OW. The longer you drag this out the better your chances. The A will end. I think many may tell you to plan B b/c he moved out. I think we need more info to help you make that decision. It would really help if you could give some more detail on what has happened. You need to tell your story. There are great people here with tons of wisdom on saving marriages.

Christ's Love,
Roman

I guess there's not a lot more to the story. I was caught totally off-guard that he was having an A. Yes - there were definitely problems in the M - but I guess I thought we were living with them and that if things were intolerable for either of us, we'd go to MC. I see what a mistake that was.

But now, I am thinking I need to give this up. I don't seem to have the strength for it. I spoke to him today. He told me that we would never be together again, no matter what happened with OW. He told me that I injured him too badly during our fight when he returned. He told me that I needed to move on. I'm afraid I was unable to stay in plan A. I said some harsh things about his behavior. He hasn't put any money in to the support of the kids and me since the beginning of the year. The legal papers I received said that the house had to be sold before the end of the year. I told him the children would see that he chose his girlfriend over his family.

I appreciate those that tried to help me and I wish you all the best of success in getting what you need in life. I vacillate wildly on this - but I think it would be best for me to concentrate on getting myself moving forward into a space where I'm not hoping for what will never be.