Ok, here's my story. I appreciate any and all feedback. I'm 50, H is 54, married 27 y with a S/22 and D/18. Last spring at this time I was looking FORWARD to having an empty nest and to spending lots of quality time with my H. I thought we were content and reasonably happy. Up to this point have had no A or seperations. Did have some disagreements over child rearing-ancient history. Last summer WH goes to his high school reunion without me (with my blessings). He returns and I know something is wrong immediately. He confesses to hooking up with his HS sweetheart. Tells me he doesn't love me and that the marriage is over. He immediately recants and agrees to counseling (Bible based). We go and he agrees to NC with OW. (OW is on third marriage and says she won't leave her H. She lives in a city 5 hours from us. However, WH is a private pilot and can fly down to see her easily)We read books, learn our "love languages", you name it. I think all is well through the fall. Even take a vacation to Caymen. I thought it was a second honeymoon. In December I discover e-card from OW on the computer. He admits that contact NEVER stopped. He is ready to move out, tell the kids. He leaves for 24 hrs and returns telling me he has been selfish and "can't do this" to our family. I welcome him home with open arms and throw myself into making him the most content man I know. I buy the book Surviving an Affair. He is less than interested in reading it. He swears OW is out of the picture, counceling is "not necessary". I pray for the best. There is NO way for me to monitor his computer activity at work or his phone calls made from work. During the next few months I WANT to trust him but cannot. I check his cell phone, his email at home. I can't prove there is any contact with OW, but suspect so. Each time I confront WH, he reacts with anger and says there has been "no contact". Gradually I see him stop telling me he loves me, subtle changes in lovemaking habits. I am still suspicious. On April 22nd, I confront him once again about a suspicious call. He proves (first time he has offered to PROVE me wrong) that I am wrong. Says I have brought about the inevitable. He doesn't love me "like he should" and he is leaving. He moves out the next day to live with a high school buddy (who has been his confidant thru all this). NC from him for 2 1/2 weeks. He does email to let me know of financial arrangements. Comes to the house last Weds. nite to discuss finances. He still says there is no contact with OW. However, when he moves out, he remembers to take his HS yearbook with him! He also gets a new cell phone so I can't track his calls. He says he won't file for divorce right away. He has removed his wedding ring. I have resisted the urge to call him. (Pure hell). I have not written a Plan B letter. I did change the locks on the house. He was p-----ed about that. He left me. He would probably laugh at me for sending him one. He has no intention of returning to the marriage. What do I do now? DO any of you in recovery think he is being truthful that he is not in contact with the OW? Do you think there is a chance he is in a midlife crisis and will come to his senses? I should add that he is suffering little if any consequences for his actions. He knows I will pay the bills to protect my credit. He is sending me half of his paycheck each week. I know I can make it on that along with my income, but don't know how long he will continue to give me that money. What do I do? Sit tight and hope he "somehow" comes to his senses?

NF,
There is always hope as long as you don't give up. You said you did alot of M work, but it sounds like the A was ongoing at the time. Obviously people know that you are separated, but do they know why? What other M issues lead to the A? I assume the OW was unattached. I would be surprised if the A had not ended. It would seem that he has her in mind. There are more questions that need to be asked. You spoke about plan B, but you need to plan A before that.
Did you do a plan A? What other steps did you take to resolve the M issues?

Please don't give up and come back with more questions and answers.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

yes, we did plan A. At least I thought we were. We read, we talked about our emotional needs. I stopped doing ANYTHING that could be considered a LB. He SAID he was "trying" ever since last December. Just decided that he "doesn't love me" and he "wants to stop pretending". Guess he means he was pretending to love me all this time.
At this point EVERYONE knows why we are separated. He told our family it was strictly because he doesn't love me-NOTHING about the affair. However, I have told everyone that there definately WAS an A, even if it might not be ongong at this time.

I see a lot of hope for your marriage. Stick with us and we will help you through this. I definately think he is seeing OW - the signs are all there.

You need to contact her husband at some point, when you have more proof. Shedding light on the A helps to end it.

If you have done a rock solid Plan A, time to think about Plan B. In the meantime, get busy making changes in you. I did lots of things - exercised, cleaned the house sparkling, detailed the car, organized, rearranged, painted, joined a women's support group, went out with friends, etc.

Doing things will help raise your self-esteem which is probably very battered right now. And post here so you can get the support you need to save your marriage.

Nifty, you have some excellent opportunities here to end the affair. I would contact the OW's H right away and expose this affair whereever you can. This will cause enormous conflict in the affair. She probably has no intention of ending her marriage and this exposure may very well end contact on her end. I would then expose the affair to his family, your close friends, and your family.

It is usually best to do it one day and get it all over with quickly. That way, the WS can't forewarn people and "spin" the story. It is also easier to handle ONE lovebuster rather than several dribbled out over time.

I would wait a couple of weeks after exposure and then move into Plan B with the best letter you can muster. That will give him enough time to forget the sting of exposure and - hopefully - will hopefully have an effect because of the added conflict in the marriage.

It is great that you have done a good Plan A, but PA actually becomes destructive when it goes on too long. I think he has probably carried on his affair this entire time while basking in the love of TWO women. Time to pull him off the fence and let him see that the OW can't possibly meet his needs.

P.S. I do believe he is still in contact with the OW, I don't think contact ever ended.

Melodylane-the affair has been exposed to everyone (except OW H) Our children and extended family are devestated. I am hearing advice here to contact the OWH. Should I do so even though the evidence I DO have is only from July to December. Since that time, the evidence is circumstantial. On another note, I don't know how I could get hold of him. The OW doesn't work and they have caller ID. If I tried to call him, she would catch the call first. If I tried to mail him, she would catch the mail first. Any tricks out there anyone can share?

Hmmm. You could hire a PI to get more details and then send her husband a registered letter that he would have to sign for. Someone will come up with something.

Nifty, he is the MOST IMPORTANT person in this whole scenario who needs to know about it. He will have the greatest impact. I don't know the best way to contact him. Can you find out where he works? There is a way to disguise your caller ID, but you should call the phone co and ask how it is done on your system. It is usually *68.

P.S. If you can't find out where he works, call his house with your ID disguised when you think he is home. Just ask for him. Personally, I wouldn't send a letter because the chances are great that she would get it.

NF,
I think Melody is right. Also, you could contact the OWH with a registered letter where only he can get it. The post office will require him to sign for it in person and you will get a confirmation that he received it.

Hang in there and fight for your M.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

niftyfifty, I have to agree that your H probably never stopped being in the A. He'd be willing to work on the M if he wasn't involved. Why would he leave you if he wasn't still involved? Sorry for what you're going through. I agree that the OW's H should be told. Chances are he's experiencing similar things to what you are. If nothing else, he's having the vibes that something isn't right. Hang tough, and hopefully your fogged out H will come to his senses. CV

Ok, I am still on the fence about contacting OW H. My friends are telling me it's not my job to tell him. EVERYONE on this site thinks it's the only thing to do. YIKES. Here's my question. Since HE moved out and SAYS he's not having an affair, do I still write him a Plan B letter and assume that he IS having an affair? It seems silly for me to tell him I won't have any contact with him. HE has cut off contact with ME. Not a word in nine days. I'm dying here. I almost relented and called him today just to hear his voice and to beg him one more time to come home and try to make this work. HELP!!!

Ok, I am still on the fence about contacting OW H. My friends are telling me it's not my job to tell him. EVERYONE on this site thinks it's the only thing to do.
You tell the ow's h because you have to end the affair. YOUR MARRIAGE IS YOUR JOB and you do anything you need to when it comes to saving it.
And it will not get saved until the affair ends.

Since HE moved out and SAYS he's not having an affair, do I still write him a Plan B letter and assume that he IS having an affair?
If there was no reason to end the affair and he moved out, then the odds are likely it is continuing

It seems silly for me to tell him I won't have any contact with him.
Yeah, it does.
Drop him an email/letter (make it very short) and simply ask how he is doing.

Nifty, Chris is right. Of course it's your job to tell the OWH, it's your job to save your marriage. No one else is going to tell him for you, are they? The faster you expose the affair, the faster it goes away. And you don't have a chance in hell of recovery until it does end.

So, what if I contact the OW H and find out later that my WH hasn't been in contact with her and that he hasn't been lying after all (since December). I know that's farfetched as he has all the symptoms of continuing the A, but I sure would hate to cause problems in someone else's marriage if indeed there has been no contact and the A is really over.

Nifty, I don't understand what difference that would make. He still needs to know. Let's say it has ended, [which I HIGHLY DOUBT] telling him will help ensure that it doesn't start again.

Even so, I don't believe for 2 seconds that it has ended. Your H wouldn't be acting this way if it had.

The H also needs to know that his wife had an affair on him because it is his right to know. Sure, it would benefit you to tell him, but the most important reason for telling him is that it's the right and moral thing to do. He has to know who he is married to so he can protect himself from her.

Nifty, please don't HELP them hide their affair. Don't make yourself an accessory. Not telling her H only serves to aide and abet the affair. Remember here whose side you are supposed to be on.