My MIL and FIL to be divorced in the mid 90s. He was unfaithful to her and she threw him out, and has since made life very difficult for him emotionally and financially, including preventing him seeing his children for 8 years. My H2B hs been in sporadic contact with him during the last 3 years.

I recently wrote to him to reaffirm his wedding invitation and let him know he was welcome, just in case he hadnt recieved it. This morning I recieved the reply stating he would not be coming and would never attend any event involving his XW.

He sounded quite cold and definite, but I guess he has to be to deal with what he has had to deal with. He did wish us well and tried his best to make me understand. He now wishes to be left alone to get on with his life.

I have written a letter back assuring him I would not show the letter to anyone or let anyone use it against him, and I expressed my sadness that he would not be there and my anger that he has been made to feel that way.

H2B does not know about this yet. I am dreading having to break this to him as he loves his father dearly and misses him a great deal. He will come home from work today at 6pm my time (UK).

Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to handle this?

Thank you in advance.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 03:42 AM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

Hi there,

I've sorta experienced the same sad thing with my father.

After my mother found out that my father was having an affair, she got divorced. My father not only got divorced from my mother, he got divorced from my brother and I.(30 years ago)
He is still with OW but he is a very "broken" man.

It's so sad and extremely difficult to deal with this situation, mostly if contact is truely "wished for".

My father "refuses" till this day to either speak with me, not even to think about "seeing me".

He is so "drastic" and he has made up his mind so seriously it scares me to death.

My brother died in a car accident over 20 years ago. My father "refused" to come to the funeral.
He refuses to see his "grandchildren" and wants to be "left alone".


I can't understand what is going through his mind, no one can.

I'm sorry that I cannot give you any advise and I hope this doesn't "disencourage" you.
It isn't meant that way.

As far as I know, my father is a very "sad and distroyed" man. Is it guilt? I don't know.

I have learned to "accept" this but I will never "understand".

You might want to help your (to be) husband "get through" this issue with professional help because it surely isn't easy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I, myself have tried everything I can think of, just to "speak" with my father but sadly without success.

take care
bb

bb,
I am so sorry to hear of your similar situation, but pleased you chose to share it with me.

Your father appears to be saying almost exactly the same things as my FIL2B. He said he will never return to the area where we live, not for births, marriages or deaths, and does not want a family life.

I truly love FIL and want him at the wedding, especially as MIL has never really accepted me.

He, and your father, must be going through so much pain and it must hurt them so much to say these things. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey all you people just waking up over there!
I could really use your help: H2B comes home in 2 hours and I dont know how to tell him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't understand why YOU have to tell..
why isn't he calling his own dad and processing all these things..
why are you in it all?
except to support the information and feedback your husbandtobe gets....

and why don't you two make arrangements to go visit him...

I think you should support your fiance but do not take on the role as communicator and messenger for the two grown men...
they need to hash this out..

ark

If FIl doesn't feel comfy coming, that is certainly his right, though sad. Better than a big awkward deal at the wedding though.

How about you and your guy take him out to a celebratory dinner either b4 the wedding or after you get back from the honeymoon? And get someone to take a pic of the 3 of you toasting the marriage?

KS2001, I've never been through anything like this but would consider it an opportunity. First it is a chance for you to really connect with future husband. To explain how hard you tried to convince his father to come. Empathize with him. And finally it's a very good opportunity to discuss the painful fallout of affairs. Husband will be further hurt and nothing you can do about that. Who is to say who is wrong here - MIL or FIL. Just grieve with your soon 2BH and hold him. You can't fix this but he needs your support. Seems pretty clear what needs to be done but DON'T take sides with FIL or MIL. Until you walk in their shoes you don't know. Good luck.

oops double post

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: ks2001 ]</small>

Well I told him, and he was really gutted. He wanted to be left alone but I held him and tried to explain why it was going to be ok. He is still a bit down but he knows that we are still getting married and that is the main thing.

We can't win either way, really, because if he goes to the wedding MIL2B is bound to be cold towards him and he will feel very awkward and will be reminded of everything he has lost.

The reason I had to tell H2B was because I initially wrote to FIL to make sure he got his invitation and he wrote back to me. I wanted to write to him so he knew I wanted him there, not just his son. H2B will phone him but he often has difficulty getting in contact with him.

Does anyone think there is anything either I or H2B can do that might make him change his mind?

Thanks everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi there,

I'm sorry that this is going to sound kinda blunt but I don't think there is really much you will be able to do.

It sounds as if your FIL has "shut out" the family from his past...........gosh I know how terrible this is.

The only thing that you might be able to do is to send him a video of the wedding afterwards.
It might also help for your future husband to write him a letter sharing his thoughts. (without asking his father for the reasons because he probably doesn't understand his behaviour himself <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )Other than that, there is very little you can do.

Pressure will change absolutely nothing.

What really helped me was to write letters to my father and just never send them away. I was able to get things off my chest and it helped to release the pain I was feeling.

It really can help to get professional help because it's very difficult to deal with this, mostly when you're so young.


take care
bb