Hello All-

I am involved in an embarrassing situation and need input from those that may have experienced the same or were the spouse that had to deal with their spouse going through what I am.

I met my wife in '91 and we dated exclusively until our '98 wedding. We never had arguments, only slight disagreements. We were always viewed as being as close to a "perfect couple" as people could be. Religious and moral standards were high in the home and continue to be, for the most part.

I say for the most part because I have been unfaithful in two regards - one, because I am realizing that I am comparing my spouse's physical attributes to other women more and more wishing that she would be more like them. Secondly, I have become emotionally and physically (passionate kissing) involved with another women who seems to be my "fantasy women" from everything from her hair color and body dimensions to her demeanor and abilty to know just what to say to make me feel attractive and meaningful.

I desperately want to do the right thing by God and my wife. I have prayed and will begin receiving counseling this week. I have told myself that I will end contact with the other woman but find myself thinking about her during the day and desiring to help her with a financial problem that has come up in her life as she has no other family that exists or that is able to help her. In a way, while I know that it is wrong, I know that I would likely not be able to resist seeing her if the situation presented itself (she lives out of state).

Please, if anyone has advise on how to get through this or how to approach my spouse concerning this, I will appreciate your offerring it to me. Thanks.

well...i guess the question is where do YOU want to start...

First you need to break ALL contact with your OW...ALL CONTACT...

because it's not some cosmic connection formed out there in the cosmos...the conection YOU have with the other woman is EXACTLY what you have made it out to be....

and disconnection with your wife is EXACTLY what you have made it out to be as well..

all the energy
all the thinking
all the fantazing
all the looking forward to talking to "her" again
all the looking forward to seeing "her" again
all the pondering of the hair coloring
all the comparing...

all of your creation alone......

desiring to help her with a financial problem that has come up in her life as she has no other family that exists or that is able to help her.

AND you get to be her knight in shining armor..

you have programmed your thought processes to put her ahead of your wife....
you have entertained and nourished thought after thought of her...

and now you have the opportunity to save her...

I desperately want to do the right thing by God and my wife

start with NO contact..
change emails
change cell phones\
change all routes of contact you have..
hey you gotta start somewhere..

ark

I am a BS so I am coming from the side of your wife. You ask how to approach this and you want what is right for your wife and in God. Well that is obvious isn't it. You have to end all contact with OW. This of course will be hard but it has to be done. You also have to be very open and honest with your wife. She deserves this and will appreciate it in the long run. I know I would. You have to be willing to do what it takes to help her through this and you may be very surprised she may be very helpful in getting you through this situation. Us BS can be very helpful and understandingto WS. This will help you on the way to work on your marriage. This seems what you want to do or you wouldn't be here. Keep posting and people here will also help you.

Thanks for the quick responses.

I guess all along I knew what I have to do, accepting it is the problem. One minute, I fine with it and the next, I'm depressed. I am committed to doing the right thing; however, I wouldn't have expected something to be this difficult. I imagine that when I reach day 10 I won't feel as bad as I do today. Thanks again.

To understand the dynamics you are embroiled in, try reading some of the literature too. SAA is the bible in this forum, but After the Affair by Janis Springs and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass are also good.

Your description of the relationship with your wife sounds like you two are conflict avoiders. That's a place to start in your counseling anyways.

I must echo the above advice too. It's fortunate you have come to realize what a precarious place you and your mariage are in. Take the help offered.

As Nancy Reagan once said, "Just do it!" Don't think about it, don't consider your options, don't worry it to death, just do it. Good suggestions from ark. Tell your wife, and let this be an opportunity for the two of you to start over.

There must have been something that attracted you to her in the first place. But usually what happens in marriage is whatever that was is now the very thing you can't stand about her.

You both deserve a second chance, so go ahead and take the risk -- this time on your future together.

Please listen to the advice everyone has given. I know where you are coming from. I have been there. It was my WBF and she was trying help my M. I gave into the temptation and the fantacy. If you think it is hard now to make NC just wait, it will get harder with every day that passes. The more you talk the closer you will become. Tell your S now before it is to late!
Best of luck, I'm sure you can do the right thing.

binders signature line..

Trying to be a lighthouse....feel like an outhouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

statistically speaking...this world needs outhouses more than lighthouses...

hang in there...

ARK

For the most part, we have always done very well talking things out. Much of that is attributable to the fact that she has an ability to truly listen without getting or feeling defensive about things. If anything, I am the conflict avoider, much more willing to "let things go" rather than to discuss them. I am one of those, people who feel as a long as everyone else is happy, I'll deal with the negatives by myself. That is likely the source of my/our problem now. Perhaps if there was more of an openess on my part, the reasons for my screw up would have been addressed and resolved.

Right now, I am feeling more able to get over the withdrawal. Even still, I plan to keep my scheduled appointment because I don't want to fall back into my "I can handle it myself" mode.
This board has been surprising helpful. I stay and perhaps I can help someone else in the future.

So murph the question also arises...exactly what is going on your marriage that you so readily were able to divert attention and love to someone other than your wife...

this comparison of your wifes physcicality to others is this new..
is this something that has always been present..

you gotta go back and address the issues as well as your current actions ...

and you know you should disclose to your wife your unfaithfulness...
as far as I am concerned kissing another person other than wife....infidelity....

and your wife has the right to know..
and to decide for herself if she wants to be with a man capable of such actions..

ark

just wondering...

hopeful that you have officially ended contact...
for your sake
for the Other Womans sake
and for your wife's sake...

what have thought about disclosing to your wife your infidelity?....
ARK