My Plan B goes into effect on June 1st. I plan Aed way to long - enabled his continued contact w/ OW. For the most part, we have been having very good days, since deciding to leave. It is almost like he realized before I am gone, what he is going to loose.

I have trying very hard to not discuss the future or our relationship. I told him yesterday as I was about to go to the store & he hugged me goodbye that I loved him. He told me he loved me, too. I responded with a little joke -oh you do & laughed. He said more than you know. Only last week he said he loved me but not the way I should be loved. He acutally is more attentive than he has been,helping out, apologizing for all the lies, etc. Yesterday, he was in a grumpy mood for a few hours (needed to eat, must be feed every two hours, or will attack)after he ate, I was sitting on the bed and he came over & kissed me - a real kiss - something that has been sorely missed & apologized for his mood.

Does this mean he maybe coming out of the fog?

He thinks my leaving will be good for both of us. He thinks I was too "nice" & enabled his contact w/ OW and that he was too selfish to stop. He only saw it as being "friends". He thinks that we can clear our heads. But he thinks I will talk to him - I don't think he believed my verbal Plan B. I intend on giving him my PBL at the airport just as I go into the security checkpoint. Hopefully it will give him something to ponder as our plane takes off into the sunset.

After doing Plan A for almost 15 months - Do I look like a doormat? If I do a good Plan B will he realize that I am stronger than he may think and that he will have to acquiese to my requests of NC & MC? How does a man that not only lied to his spouse, his mistress, but most importantly lied to HIMSELF heal?

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: betrayed by 2 ]</small>

don't feel that i'm in a real position to advise since i've only been in plan A for about 3 months but i do want to say that you should continue to follow your words w/your actions. if you're in plan A for however long then continue to do that until reconciliation or when you go to plan B. once you do plan B (if you still do that) then you need to follow your words in that plan w/your actions.

i don't think that you've been a doormat. but maybe a biased because i'm trying to prepare to plan A forever but anyway. i think of it more as you doing all what you thought you could do. we BS want to be able to make sure that when we look back that we can say that no matter what happened we did all we could. if that meant being in plan A for 15mos then so be it. as of today i have spent over $1400.00 that i really couldn't afford to counsel w/SH from MB. it's staggering to think of that but i just don't think i could live w/myself if i didn't do all that i could and that means (to me) counsel w/SH.

so you can take that for what you will. wish you continued strength for what you have to do. prayers to you as well.

I have been packing for the past few weeks - so very hard dividing up our stuff. WH is having a hard time - I packed all pictures & thinks are beginning to look bare. It is a bit depressing.

My mom believes if he wanted to work things out, he wouldn't let me pack up & leave. It is so hard talking to people that don't understand what MB is about, or even what an affair is all about. I have repeatly stated to family members that I don't know what is in his head - so please don't ask.

I know about the expense - I went to an IC and my insurance will not cover - she was out of the network. Just my stupid luck. But she was worth it - let me talk, not be judged for wanting this to work, & challenged me. Definitely worth it.

How is your WS w/ your Plan A? My prayers are w/ you.

i guess i don't really know how to answer the question of how my H is in my plan A. the best i can do is point you in the direction to read a couple of my threads. one is my "sessions w/steve harley and the plan" and the other is one i started yesterday "letter from H, i'm needing something here,........." i don't know how to do the link thing but you can find those posts easy enough and read up if you're up to it.

bottom line is that i have lived in another state since last october but not because of what has happened. as soon as i found out about the A i would have given my job up in a second and told my H that but all he could tell me was "don't do that" and said it in kind of an ultimatum way. i talked to SH about moving back when i started counseling w/him and he did say that i should be where my M is to be able to work on it but given the entire situation he did say i should probably stay where i am.

so i'm still in another state and last time i saw my H was 3/27/04. i had taken some leave from work to go down there while my H was on spring break hoping to plan A and show him my changes, etc. well a few days before i left he told me he would be staying w/a friend while i was there because it would be easier for him. i still plan A'd when i could, tried to show him my changes (not to mention the 25lb weight loss i had since the last time i saw him which was 6 wks). we did have some talks but i also talked to the OW's mom while i was there as well. anyway that's another whole story.

basically the plan now is to continue following my words w/actions and drag my feet about everything i can for as long as i can. that's the best summary i can give. i've also lost about 38lbs in total. still have a ways to go but i'll get there. next time i see my H will probably be the end of june. of course, prayer daily helps quite a bit.

Good job w/ the weight loss - I've lost about 50 lbs on the "Infidelity Diet". I have been exercising too. Both things WH has noticed, he has been working out since he was 14 yrs old. It was a big thing for him. I was about 30lbs overweight before, w/ baby & taking care of family, forgot about myself.

That must be hard doing a long distance Plan A. I give you lots of credit.

My WH has begun saying things like OW wasn't half the woman I am, I am alot nicer, prettier, smarter - but he didn't see that before. It's kind of sad. I was always doing everything for him & our DD. Never really thought about myself. Now, its time for me!!

Hopefully, my WH will want to council w/ the SH after Plan B goes into effect. I used to print out stuff from this site - he would just throw it away. Now he wants to read anything I give him - so I guess that is a change for the better. Just gave him After the Affair - lets see if he reads it!!!!

Keep strong! Prayers are w/ you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks for the lift, i still have about 30lbs to go before i get within my IBW. unfortunately, i don't think i'm prettier than the OW, i've seen what she looks like. she's not even 21, 5 7', maybe 120lbs, and has long dark hair, and is very nice per my H and even my MIL. i'm blonde and growing my hair out since i separated from the military last september. i'm only 5 2'. i do feel like i'm nice but mostly because of the changes i've made as well as the changes God has made in my heart. that's when a lot of my self-deprecating comes in is because i think of the way i was over the last several years and my H didn't even think I liked him <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

oh if i could go back. oh if any of us could go back but we can't. anyway, i try not to dwell on how i compare to the OW too much. i mean my H did marry me right? i'm more focused on what SH said about the OW and even though she may be nice, young, etc. that she is dating a MM and that says a lot, SH sees that as a character flaw and feels that their R has a shelf-life. i was starting to like feeling i could hold out longer than the OW but then i got that letter monday and it dampened my spirits. but i talked to SH again today and he still doesn't feel that things will work out b/w my H and the OW even if they were to get M because their R is set upon sand. i'm also feeling sad because of what i hear about the FL D laws and how it's a no-fault state, just my luck.

anyway, i didn't mean to depress you or take over this thread. only to continue to follow your words w/actions. thanks again for your encouragment and congrats to you to all your improvements <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> God bless and prayers to you, RR

All my life, I have believed that we do things and make choices that define who we are. I have always lived my life w/ no regret and would never change circumstances if allowed to do so. I believe that my WH's A brought out the best in me. Yes, I did LB - not as much as my family thinks I should have - but my WH has stated that I am not like "ordinary" women. He thinks I have a peace about myself, that I am not vindictive and I could have done many things to hurt him, but have chosen the higher ground.

My OW was an extemely close friend, once she began bad-mouthing me - he began to see her for what she is. My WH does not critize people, never has, never will - frowns on it. He say that they both did harm & what did I do to deserve her venom. Maybe that as she said "He'll never leave you and you'll never leave him, you're both cowards."

Time will tell, my friend for both of us - getting involved w/ a MM does speak volumes. I will pray for all of us here at MB.

BB2 -

We have talked before extensivly I just go by a new name now (you and I both have been betrayed by 2). I think your Plan A has worked. He is starting to realize what he will be missing. As for what your mom says about him not letting you leave. I think it is hard for people to realize that WS go through so much confusion. They don't know what to do or where to go. They have so much confusion and feel so much guilt and hurt. Your WH still has a lot of sorting out to do. The time away will do him and you some good. He seems to be showing you some positive signs.

I am not one to talk because I have the patience of a flea. Take things one day at a time. Look at the positive signs for postive signs and don't read to much into them. You are doing great. I would like to know what others think about Plan B. Do you feel like you need to protect your love for your husband??

I am praying for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Hope -

I was going to call out to you. How did the dessert thing go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have no patience when it comes to this - or now anyways.

It gets me down when family especially Mom belittle him. He was always the favorite - he has fallen so far. I have clearly stated so many times I do not want to discuss this, all to no avail.

I would definitely like to talk to Plan Bers - have them give advise, what it is like in the beginning, when does it get easier?

How are things on your front?

Keep strong, I am with you in spirit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

BB2

well, that's another road that i have chosen too. that the old me would have been very vindictive and done things but again, i want my words to be followed by actions. i have to pain a picture of myself that is attractive to my H and i don't want to do anything to fuel their A by giving them stuff to talk about. i prayed for years for God to help me be the person he would have me to be. even though this is not at all how i thought that would happen or would want for things to happen. the A has never the less made me a better person on all accounts.

when i first found out he asked me if i wanted to meet her and i said no because i would probably kill her and he just said "so you can ruin her life too." i said that in the first 12 hours of my confrontation w/him and haven't uttered another word like that since. but what's amazing, is that i truly have not even felt it. i'm amazed that i'm not mad or feel hate, my mom is absolutely shocked that i'm not angry because that's just not like me. but why are we amazed? God can do anything and he has worked a miracle in my heart.

when i talked to the OW's mom she asked me not to harm her daughter and i said i wouldn't. i have got to walk the walk and not just do the talk. what a liar i would make out of myself if i did anything now? i didn't tell my H that i was going to talk to the OW's parents for obvious reasons and afterwards he asked me not to do anything like that again. i asked like what and he said talking to her parents, sending letters, phone calls, etc. i couldn't in my heart promise that but i promised that i wouldn't do anything to physically harm anyone. last time i talked to my H, which was about 2 weeks ago, he told me not to hold any animosity toward the OW to hold it all to him. i said that i didn't hate her and that i didn't want anything to happen to her. and that was and is the truth. although being dumped by my H wouldn't be such a bad thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i pray for the OW and her family as well as for my IL's because they are basiclaly supporting my H even if it's through their inaction (not saying you need to stop what you're doing, being glad for him that he is happy, telling me that we don't bring out the best in each other, etc.).

again, what am i trying to say here? following your words w/actions and taking the higher road is always a good thing. i also pray daily for everyone here that they will seek God's guidance and that he will give them strength for whatever they need to do.

RR -

I am so glad for you. Being a better person, rising above all of this insanity is a feat in itself. I hope your WH sees this & realizes the great strides you have made when you see him in June. I will be thinking of you!

My MIL has truly been great. Completely on my side, told him did he think he could get better when he already had the best! It felt good to hear that from him.

Your OW's parents - are they not encouraging her to end it w/ a MM? I hope your ILs wake-up - vows are sacred. Do they not see he is going against everything marriage is supposed to be?

BB2

BB2 -

Things are going great on my front. I need to call up MelodyLane for a big 2X4 before I need it (I am sure I will). My WH came to me yesterday (it was my birthday) and he told me he misses me. He is not filing for divorce. He wants to work on us. He can't say he does not love the OW but he can't say he does not love me. He is not moving back in right away because it would be hard on our kids since we are considering a move and he may have to move first. We are just beginning but it is a start. I am so scared though because it happened so quickly and I have been here before. I am just going to try to take it one day at a time.

I see things are going ok with you. Sounds like your WH is starting to see things. I am very interested to see what others have to say about the Plan B thing. Do you feel your love fading from your WH?? I thought that was supposed to be the sign to go to Plan B.

well i was naive enough to think that the OW's parents didn't know my H was M. he wasn't wearing his wedding ring when i confronted him in february and wasn't wearing it again when i wasn't wearing it when i was there in march. anyway. the OW still lives at home and when i asked my H when if first found out if her mom knew he just said she might and that he has only met her in passing.he also told me she was 21 and she's not, not until august. i thought that if i had exposed to them (her parents) then they of course would kick her out of the house or forbid her from seeing my H or at the very least forbid my H from seeing their daughter.

i was wrong of course, i paid a PI to find out her address, and her mom and dad's name. so i collected some evidence (phone bills and emails to my H from OW) to bring w/me in case they denied it. i tried to be prepared for them not wanting to talk to me and for the denial but i wasn't prepared that they "knew." I showed up at their house about 8:30 pm and rang the door bell. a woman on the phone answered the door and she was on the phone at the time. i asked if this was the "x" residence and she said yes but which one (apparently there is quite a lot of family in that area) anyway i said the mom's first name and she said that was her and to come in. she didn't even ask who i was. anyway i came inside and just waited in a little parlor type room while she was finishing up the phone call. of course what was on the table but a huge bouquet of roses w/a card that said "i want to spend forever w/you, love WH" anyway. she got off the phone and asked who i was and i just said that this was awkward but that i was WH's wife. she said oh, your "roughroad." well right then i felt totally unprepared. so i just said well i guess you know about me. she was the only one home and asked me to sit down. asked me how i found where the live. i just said that WH told me (he just told me which town but that was a lie too). anyway, i didn't bash her daughter and i didn't bash my h and i didn't ask a lot of questions.

I said despite what anyone may have said that me and my H were not separated even though i was living in another state. OW's mom said that her and her husband has talked to their daughter about it but that she's made up her mind, that's she's young. that she's met my H and that they like him. she kept saying that she didn't know what to say and felt sorry for me and that this must be killing me, etc. she said that she has told her daughter that someone in this situation is going to get hurt and that it may very well may be her (the OW) but she also felt that my H has made up his mind.

i said that i loved my H and that i still wanted to be M. she asked me not to harm or hurt her daughter. i said i wouldn't. that i didn't want to and wouldn't hurt anyone. i cried some and just said that i guess i would go because i didn't know what else to say and thanked her for her time. as i was going out i saw some picture by the kitchen and of course some of them were of my H and of them together and i just started to cry and tried to get out of the house as soon as i could. she followed me out and told me to have a safe trip back, i was out the door and then just stopped dead in my tracks and turned around and went back to the door and told her that i wasn't going to hurt anyone but that i loved my H and that i was going to fight for my M. she just shook her head like she understood.

so that was that.
as far as my IL's well that's a long story too. I don't want to bash anyone's faith or religion but my IL's are catholic and i am not. my H is the oldest of 7 kids (4 girls and 3 boys) and i had only met one of his sisters before we were married. i had talked to his parents and family but hadn't met them. my H was in the military and was stationed in the state i lived in when we met. we just had a little ceremony and were married by a JP because i thought that his family would accept that. of course that was my first mistake.

but anyway, i met his family on our honeymoon. they have never treated me in anyway but nice, have always introduced me as their son's wife, have always been kind, etc. etc. however, since day 1, we have never been allowed to sleep in the same room we would go to his family's house because we were not married in the catholic church. i put up w/it for a few years but just decided that we were indeed married and we just started staying at a hotel. last year was the first year that we received an anniversary card from his parents (our tenth). like i said they have never been anything but nice and caring to me.

my H didn't really practice catholicism and came to believe that wasn't for him, maybe it was because of me and what i believed, maybe it was because it was shoved down his throat by his dad, or some of both, etc. he told his dad several years ago that he wasn't catholic anymore, of course that upset his dad but they still didn't treat us any differently and still welcomed me w/open arms. fast forward till now. i have not talked to my IL's at any great length since this has happened. I never had a close relationship w/them anyway and my H didn't either, he said he didn't like talking to them because he hated how his sisters treated their husbands and his mom just put guilt trips on him about everything. i've talked about the involvment w/the IL's w/SH and i did have a conversation w/my MIL a few weeks ago but have resigned myself that going that avenue is pointless. she said that my H was just so unhappy for so long, thinks that we would both be happier if we got a D, thinks things would be different if we had a child, she met the OW and said she was young and "nice." she hoped that we could work things out amicably. i just said that i loved my H that we were still M and wish i had their support.

i sent my MIL a card for mothersday and made sure i got one that said MIL. i also got my FIL a bday card that i will be mailing tomorrow and i again made sure it said FIL and will do the same for fathersday. the last conversation i had w/my H i asked him if his family knew, he said yes because he had to tell them when i went to the hospital (i took a bottle of pills, i know but i can't change that now) anyway, he said that they don't think it's right but that they are glad he's finally happy. i asked what does his father think and he said that of course FIL doesn't think that it was the right way to handle things and doesn't think it's appropriate and that's all he said about it.

so i guess my answer to your question about why the IL's haven't woken up is that maybe they think it's better for him to get a D since we weren't married in the catholic church in the first place. i don't know and i'm not going to get into that w/them because it's pointless. the only way i can explain their behavior is that they love their son and would do anything for him. i would hope to God that his dad doesn't welcome this OW w/open arms (they live in another state as well) but the fact that my MIL has already met this girl doesn't give me a lot of hope. the fact that his dad hasn't called me also says a lot to me too.

but anyway, now you know even more of my story. our anniversary is also next month and i have no idea how i'm going to handle that. of course a lot could happen between now and then (it's the 17th) so only time will tell. i already have things prepared to say to my IL's if they ask why i'm doing what i'm doing (dragging my feet) that has been "approved" by SH. so again, we'll see......i do have a lot of things going against me but i also have a lot of things going for me. Most of all God and the belief all this is happening for a reason.

hope you're having a good day and that you get more replies other than just me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> prayers to you.

Hope -

I am glad for you, but take it slow. Let him do the talking. I am glad you have an OW that will be true to her word. I think the thought of her M ending if she continued contact would be an incentive. My OW is single & lonely - but that is her problem.

My WH is getting a bit more attentive - so maybe he the past few months were more of his withdrawal.

I started last week on a low dose of Prozac - thought it would help w/ the start of Plan B. Well as luck would have it, I am allergic!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am covered in hives - quite attractive. But the good news is that I don't need the ADs. I realized after the last weeks one-sided fight (his) I have really had enough. Felt like a punching bag & decided enough already. So maybe the love is fading or maybe I am pushing it to the back of my mind. It is a strange feeling - it's almost like after all this work, I don't care if we work out. I love him so much, but like I said Enough Already! So in so many words, Plan B is my only option to save what love is left.

I wish I knew the stages of Plan B - what I am going to go thru, etc. It really frightens me to be going dark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

RR -

I am catholic and I know all about the guilt the church puts on you for not marrying in the "church". My sister eloped 17 yrs ago, married by a JP - my grandmother thought it was blasphemy. My parents accepted it w/ the hopes they would renew vows in church at sometime. Haven't yet. Your in-laws still would know that he was wrong - its the only reason I can get married in church again - maybe they are holding their tongues, he is their son. My MIL will not say anything about her other son's wife (recently DV) for fear if they get back together, her words would remain spoken & the hurt would be there.

I wish you luck - keep strong. Your doing everything right - getting help, changing you, becoming a better person - your WH will see the changes - time is our friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks BB2, i really needed some encouragement today. i wish i had more words to say to you but you're right when you say time is our friend. but our biggest friend of all is God. prayers to you, RR