I know "exposing affair" has been discussed a lot and I know that I should be doing it, but just found out from WH (a week ago) that MIL and FIL do not know (SIL does know and has been asked by WH not to say anything).

After 4-5 months of Plan A (and a pretty good job at it), I will be going to Plan B in about 3 weeks (when schedule allows completed "darkness").

Here's my question: If I expose to MIL and FIL, will 3 weeks be enough time to clean things up (i.e., leave WH with good thoughts about me) before I go on Plan B? Can I just copy my Plan B letter to MIL and FIL and use that to expose or is this too risky for Plan B?

I can't postpone Plan B any longer than 3-4 weeks.

Hmmmmm.

What's magic about 3 - 4 weeks?

I understand your question regarding the timing. But I believe the sequence to avoid is more of avoiding Plan B if it can be seen as retaliation to your spouse for some act HE committed.

But wait a minute - if in laws don't know, does this mean your H has not moved out? or he has moved out and the in laws don't know the real reason?

You can't do Plan B under the same roof.

If he has already moved out, tell as soon as possible. THEN also send them a copy of your Plan B letter.

JMHO

WAT

WAT

WH moved out soon after D-day to sort out his feelings. I actually believed it for quite some time. Now realize that it was just to have more time with OW. Like he eventually said "I did move out afterall!" ILs believe that we are working on M, although WH has told them that it is "him" and I want him back.

I have been doing a very good job in Plan A. JUst two weeks ago things were looking very good and WH even tried to break it off with OW, but insisted doing it his way (which of course didn't work). Now WH is more depressed than ever and telling me that our lack of intimacy goes way back (first it was 3 yrs, tha\en 7, now he mentioned that we even had problem when we were dating).

I wish I could go on Plan B right now, but I'm waiting until the kid's schedules lighten up and I will be able to go completely dark. WH is over nearly ever day to get kids ready for school so that I can go to work. We have coffee together every M-F and even see each other on weekends. He is definitely getting his family and me "fix" and says that he misses us (including me sometimes) when he doesn't get to see us for a couple of days.

Things were feeling MUCH better two weeks ago. WH went from "there is nothing you can do now that will make me want to come back" to "my goal is to make this marriage work." But things seem to be sliding backwards. Within 2 days of "ending it" with OW, WH says that he shouldn't move back just for the family, but for "us" only. At times he believes that we will be able to have a great marriage (if he decides to come back). But more recently he says that he's not sure that "we ever had IT" (you know the "chemistry" that he has finally found with OW).

I actually think that Plan B would work. But I don't want to do it until I can really stick to it.

And I know I have to tell MIL and FIL. I chickened out today, but promise to call them tomorrow. WH will "flip out"--I'm sure of that.

He sounds like a textbook fence sitter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FE_Hopeful:
<strong> Now WH is more depressed than ever and telling me that our lack of intimacy goes way back (first it was 3 yrs, tha\en 7, now he mentioned that we even had problem when we were dating).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pure, adulterated (pun intended), revisionist history.

The harder they have to scrape to come up with excuses, the more desperate their rationalizing has become.

So, have you been able to work on filling this EN - regardless of whether he has a valid complaint or not?

Tell, tell, tell.

Then be ready for anything.

Who else can you expose to? What do your children know?

WAT

WAT,

Yes, I have been filling WHs ENs as much as possible. I have been attentive, affectionate, admiring as much as he will let me. He was extremely guarded at the beginning, things got better, and now he is guarded again. Something is up!

Kids were told that WH and I are having some problems and need some "alone" time to think them through. For the most part they have adjusted very well--mostly because they see us together a lot, talking nicely, holding hands, hugging. But they are getting tired of it too. I'm not sure what I will tell them once I go into Plan B. I was thinking something along the lines of "everything I'm doing is because I love Daddy and want him back at home."

I'm telling ILs tonight about A. I don't know what to do about WH work situation. I don't know any of them (I know some names, but have never met most of them). WH did say that noone at works knows anything about the A. I also know the email address of OW boss (WS tried to get a job there); WH and OW work for different consulting companies for same client. I was thinking of cc'ing Plan B letter to work people and not telling them before hand (wouldn't know what to say beforehand and don't think they would really care).

My biggest regret in my situation was "going along" with my WS's explanation to our son that "Mommy and Daddy are not happy with each other at the moment" as the explanation for why she was moving out.

In hindsight, I should have insisted on more truthfulness - Mommy is moving out because she and OM want to be with each other. My son was 12 at the time and he was well aware that OM was leaving his family simultaneously.

So, while it's a no brainer that we shouldn't use our children as pawns or tools against WSs, I believe we shouldn't lie to them, either. Of course, there is a huge age consideration of the children. For your kids ages, it may be appropriate to say, "Daddy has a girlfriend, which is wrong because we're married, and I want to make things better between us." Others may disagree.

Unless they work for the same company, I recommend you not expose to the workplace unless there are expecially strong, compelling reasons to believe that exposure there would result in "discomfort" for them. Otherwise, you come across as a whacko. It may be different if you had personal relationships with his colleagues or knew that the company took a strong stance against immoral issues like infidelity, e.g., the U.S. military or a religious organization (and even THAT isn't good enough frequently).

WAT

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 08:28 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>