Just got back from C and I am crying so hard I can hardly type. C refuses to see us for MC. C feels that I am being used and refuse to see it. C says that I have no boundries and that my WH will always continue to see OW if there isn't fear of losing me. C believes that MC is useless because I have not made my WH give up OW. I have insisted on NC, but what else can you do. I can't control him. C feels that we need to remain seperated with our only contact thru MC and dates that the MC suggests. C feels this should go on for a few months until C feels we are ready to live together again. WH is trying and says he wants to make the M work. Isn't seperating this way hurting our chances of being together. WH can say that he wants me, not OW but NC is tough for him.I do have the fear of him always running there. Discussed what C said with WH and he thinks my C is off his rocker. Any ideas from others going thru this?

Did you read my last post to you on your other thread?

Really, my answer is the same:

What is your H willing to do to show his accountability that the A is over?

On your C...you might need another that is more familiar with affairs. OBVIOUSLY you cannot control your H's behavior and CANNOT MAKE HIM GIVE UP THE OW.

This is not in your control and I question a MC who says you should be able to do this. If, the MC is saying that you have no contact yourself until the WS says he has given her up...that might be different. But, the way you stated this doesn't sound like the the MC is on the right track.

The MC needs to work with what is under your control--you.

And, no, separating this way is not hurting your chances. Your H's behavior is hurting your chances.

When words & actions conflict, believe the actions. And, so, your H needs some concrete actions that he does want the marriage.

--Going to counseling himself
--Giving you passwords to email/voice mail
--Being voluntarily accountable in time
--calling you a couple times a day so you don't have to

Whatever you request that is reasonable.

If NC is tough, it is tough. And he is not a candidate for successful reconciliation.

Real consequences are playing on your H. Either he wants his marriage and he is proving that by showing you the A and personal contact is over. Or, the affair continues, and there is no use his thinking about moving home.

I'm sorry you are so upset. I know welcoming him home seems right and loving, but...you've done that.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. And, I did it myself.

Hi CD,
Go to the Concepts and articles section of this website and read all you can on PLAN A and Plan B. Have you done any Plan A? Sounds like your C is pushing for Plan B, but you usually want to do a good Plan A first. I'm leaving shortly, but I'll check in tomorrow.

BREATHE! Slow Down. Get ahold of yourself and try to stay calm. This is a war, and clear, calm heads do better. Dont beg, dont cry in front of your H. It's time to be the strongest CD you can be. No matter what happens, the time is now... Center yourself, eat, drink water. Talk with supportive friends and family. Maybe take a benedryl and try to get some sleep, OK? Nothing gets done tonight. Read all you can... please take extra care of yourself right now - Dru

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Coolduck, no you can't control your WS, but you can control your own boundaries and that is what your C is talking about. I agree 100% with her analysis, you are being used but I think you already know that.

Staying in Plan A too long only enables the affair. This affair has only been cemented because it has been allowed to develop way beyond what was reasonable. Had you gone to Plan B a long time ago, it might not have gone so far. But your H has no motivation whatsoever to end his affair because there are no consequences.

What man, in his right mind, would be nuts enough to give up the loving attention of TWO women when he can get away with it? And yes, he knows he can do whatever he wants with you because you have no boundaries.

As far as your H saying the C is off her rocker, I would ask you to consider the source. Your H is a fogged out cake eater and not exactly your go-to guy for wisdom and sound judgement.

Any ideas? Yep. The same brand of alien that is in your husband's head has time shares in my wife's.

I'm guessing your MC is not familiar with the Harley approach.

Anyway, I'm with Lori. He's got to prove that he want's your marriage to work. He's got to put forth the effort to show that they're not just empty words he's spouting.

Time to put up or shut up. (him, not you)

dewt

I too agree with Melody and your C!!

If H has to choose, even if it is OW....let him see the REAL OW! and only way he can see her for real is when she isn't the OW anymore (if your not being the W) Im NOT talking D!!!!.....did that make sense???

I too think your counselor wants you to go to plan B to force H off the fence. And I too agree the sooner the better!!

See right now......she's the FUN one!! course she isn't washing his clothes~ smelling his smelly feet~ cooking his dinners now is she??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

He's having his cake and eating it too so speak!

My instinct in the beginning was much like what your C suggested to you. My instict was GO....GO LIVE WITH HER AND HER KIDS!!! (lets see how that will work!)she also lived in another state!!!

After all it took me 23 yrs. to not let some of his irritating habits bug me.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Of course he WOULD NOT go!!! but he DID have to choose.

Had he stayed in contact or been in the fog or on the fence too long.....I would have packed his bags and forced him to leave.

Of course.......we are all in diff. situations. Good Luck and be strong!
Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know what all of you are saying is true. I need to let him go and have little contact with him until he makes the choice of me only. He is saying that he is trying, but then he talks to her again. I asked him to call her while I listened and tell her that he wanted nothing to do with her and he refuse. This really hurt because I know what he is doing. He wants to keep us both. He sees no need for it and he hates how I demand things. I did an excellent Plan A, but I have failed miserably at Plan B. I miss him so much and when he is with me life seems good and then I realize that he has talked to OW and I get so hurt. I know that I am allowing him to use me because I keep taking him back . I know others of you have struggled with this. How can I let him walk all over me just because I love him? I suppose that I am weak. However I do realize that we will never have a true M this way. I don't want to settle for less yet somehow I keep taking him back and doing this. I know the answer that I must go to plan b, but please help because I am so scared.

Join the club, everyone is afraid to go to Plan B. But that is what works, and it makes you so sane, and peaceful. Start thinking about it. It will be good if you can set things up ahead of time so that you can do a rock solid Plan B.

Check out the Plan B thread "we're in Plan B and doing fine." You will see all the ups and downs.

found this, thought it might help you...

Learn To Let Go And Flow With Life

Letting go is the key to being effective in any relationship.
At any moment, your life is exactly the way that it is. You are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly the way that they are. This is true whether you like it or not.
When you fight and resist the way your life is, and how it may become, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.
You close down inside. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. You then interact in a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.
To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting.
Resisting destroys love and keeps you from seeing the action that you need to take. If you could let go of your resisting, you would restore your peace of mind and your ability to see clearly. You could then take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.
"Letting go" is the inner action that removes the resisting which in turn releases the fear and upset.
The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before.
To see how this works, let's look at the nature of fear.

Fear is created by avoiding and resisting a future possible event. For example, let's say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving. The more you resist this future possible event, the greater your fear.
As your fear increases, so does the chance of your fear coming true. You become threatened and hang on even more. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away. By avoiding and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear and upset that tends to bring you the very event that you are avoiding. This is the nature of fear.
To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don't have to like it, and you don't have to sit around and do nothing. You just have to be willing.
Letting go is strictly a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.
For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave.

The moment you become willing to lose your spouse, fear and upset lose their power.
The tunnel vision disappears and you become able to interact in a way that creates love and greatly increases the chances of the person staying.
To let go of your resistance and to restore your peace of mind, be willing for your life to be however it is and however it may become.
You do this by granting permission. "I am willing for my spouse to leave." I give my spouse full permission to be exactly the way he or she is." "I am willing to lose my home."
Let go of your demands and expectations for how your life should be and make peace with the way your life is. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great.

To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are two very important steps that you can take.
The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.
When you know that you will be fine, letting go becomes relatively easy. As you let go, you restore your effectiveness and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust. When you don't trust, life becomes very difficult. You fight, resist and hang on. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust."
Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."
Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
The second and most important step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. This is important because it's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that forces us to resist.
We think that we're resisting our circumstances but we're not. We are resisting all the feelings and emotion that are being reactivated by our circumstances. More accurately, we are resisting a very specific hurt from the past. We are resisting the hurt of feeling not good enough, worthless, not worth loving, or some other form of feeling not okay.
Once you find and heal this hurt, the need to resist or hang on disappears. You can then let go and take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.

Finding and healing this hurt is one of the most important things you can ever do.
This hurt is responsible for all your fear and all your upsets. It is responsible for all your self-sabotaging behavior and ultimately, all of your suffering.

-Bill Ferguson

CD,
So many of us have been where you are now. You will reach that point of being able to fully let go and let your H do what he is going to do and hopefully to choose YOU. Work on yourself and your ability to let go as much as possible--read, pray. Try "Hope for the Separated" and "Embracing Uncertainty" and co-dependent meditations by Melodie Beattie help. I know, I took this road too. I did a great plan A and then a lousy Plan B and then H continued contact again. It took him almost two years to discontinue all contact (even just talking to her when she called was hard for him to break)

My H had to finally see, and I had to finally mean it that I could not respect myself if I knowingly continued giving all of myself in a M with him while he was giving even a piece of himself to someone else. That crossed a big boundary for me--we aren't dating, we are married. When I truly was ready, I communicated that to H and he saw it. There were many baby steps until then and I screwed up many times. That is probably why it took so very long for NC to be a reality. I tell you my story in hopes that yours will be shorter and happier. I progressed slowly, but I did just one day realize that nothing in the world should prevent me from creating boundaries for myself to feel respected.

Hang in there!