OK, I will try... The only reason he gave me for being unhappy is that I don't show enough affection - which I believe to him actually means I wasn't meeting his EN for SF - although he denies this. I've had some medical problems for a little over a year that have caused problems with our sex life (it wasn't completely nonexistent, but more rare than either of us would have liked). Been to several doctors & now have an appointment with a specialist. I believe that he truly felt rejected, although I tried to tell him often that was not the case.
Of course, a couple days after he left, I made the mistake of begging & pleading with him to come back & give me a chance to make things better when he called. I told him I'm educating myself & learning alot & want to put my newfound knowledge to good use. I tried to get him to agree to MC, but he will NOT. He says, we are who we are & nothing can change that... that if I try to change, I will just be a fake. I told him I didn't believe that as I will only be learning to better show the feelings I've felt all along. He doesn't want me to call. He'd prefer I not email, but says at least it's better than if I called. He says he doesn't want contact until he has made up his mind what he wants to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
After much reading, I realize that there were ENs not being met on both sides. I want to try to meet them, but it doesn't look like he's going to give me the chance. I was going to try to do little niceties, such as leaving the cobbler with his mail & sunglasses at his office while he was out to lunch - since he didn't want to see or speak to me. But now he hasn't been to work since I did that & I am worried that he is avoiding work because of me.
I am beginning to worry that there is no hope. But how do you let go of hope when it's all you've got? Last I spoke with him, he said there was no change in how he felt - he still had made no decision. He gets irritated if I say that I love him. I am not taking this well. I LOVE THIS MAN - despite the fact that he is knowingly & willingly putting me through hell right now (OK, maybe a little resentment is beginning to creep in). I still can barely eat any solid foods, not sleeping well, etc... Everyday that goes by, I feel more & more scared. I can't help wondering where he is, who he's with, what he's doing - why he doesn't call. Does he not think of me at all?? Am I and my feelings that invaluable to him? Meanwhile, I sit here in despair... my heart leaps everytime I get an email or the phone rings, only to plummet with disappointment when it's not him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish I just knew what he was thinking. I want to call so bad it hurts... but I only make things worse when I do that. I don't know how long of a wait I can take? I'm losing my mind.
