Hello, I am new here and need advice. I have to start at the begining for this all to come together so bare with me. A few years ago i talked to someone on the phone and my husband found out. It never went beyond talking, this person was in another state and for us to work it out I called this person and told him I never wanted to talk to him again and that he should never call me again. Ok, now skip 5 years up to the present time and I am still feeling so much guilt over this that i have went beyond jealousy into possessiveness. I mean I question everything my husband says or does. Well a couple of months ago He got put on alert to be deployed and then he had a major operation and it sent me into a tailspin of worrying constantly about all of this. All I could do was cry I started having night mares and so did he. Well anyway, a couple of weeks ago I noticed that he was acting kind of strange, and I noticed that every morning he was logging in to check his email. so one morning I got online and dug till i found his password and when I opened the email there were letters in there from a girl here in town. She said she saw him outside washing the car and she was sorry she drove by but she just had to see him. And why I didnt keep the email is beyond me she said something about him having her for supper or she would like to have him for supper (cant remember). well i confronted him about it and he says that it was only going on for a couple of weeks and that he never met her that they only talked online. I beleive that thats how long it was going on because thats when i noticed something strange with him. and with the surgery and everything else, it really couldnt have been any longer. Well we decided we would work through it and he says my jealousy just got tiresome and I agree that I have more than crossed the line with the jealousy thing and I am going to work on it, my thing is he has never given me any reason till now not to trust him and I have hounded him to death over everything he says and does, so should i beleive that he never met her? he says he knew her years ago. He wont tell me who it is which is probably a good thing but I get angry thinking about all the worrying I have done this last couple of months for him to do this to me, I know it wasnt all his fault but he should have told me that my jealousy was hurting the marriage, HE NEVER SAID IT WAS TILL NOW. I kinda feel as though he should tell me who it is and call her in front of me or send an email or something so that i can move on. I did it for him. I am scared to say anything to him because we agreed that we would not throw stuff up in each others face, I am not trying to throw anything up in his face I love him and want to be with him more than anything , but I feel so confused inside. I found a number with a lipstick kiss on it and I havent told him I saw it and I know she could have left it on his car but I just dont know how to feel. Should I say something to him or just try to move on? I think I feel more hurt that he would do this now after the surgery and the worrying over him being deployed more than anything. Sorry so long I just dont know what I am suppose to feel or say. Can anyone help me in any way?

what an ideal situation he has going! He convinces you that your jealousy MADE him look elsewhere, now you are afraid to even mention things you have every right to question him about!

Should you believe him? NO, not unless he is willing to show you all his emails, tell you who she is and writes her a no contact letter. If he continues hiding things he can't be trusted.

Thanks for the advice , but You really dont understand, I know he was wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt, but my jealousy is bad, i mean digging through his stuff, getting mad if he is 5 min late, hanging up on him if he calls to say he is going to be late, I am a firm beleiver in taking my part of the blame and he has took his, promised me i had nothing to worry about and I know this might be crazy but I really want to beleive him. he has never never never given me any reason to be as jealous as I have been, When I say jealous I dont even think that come close to how I have been, he was wrong I know that and I can get past that but I just need closure to it and I dont know how to get it without it makeing things worse, He calls me 2 times a day from work I meet him for lunch and he is home exactly what time he is suppose to be after work, he has been very loving and very regretful in what he did, he said that he just gave up and that he didnt think I would ever change, I told him he should have told me that it had gotten so bad and he agree's. Last year he was so affectionate to me and I just pushed him away, well come to find out he had to start going to the doctor and he put him on anti depressants because he didnt know how to deal with life at home anymore. I just found this out when I found everything else out. I am not trying to say he is not to blame for the internet emails with the girl cause he certainly is, but I am just saying that I can see my fault in how he got to that point. and besides I have not been perfect and I do forgive him I just want to know that it is over.

hmm.. maybe you could say something like "I know that I was wrong for being so suspicious when I had no reason to be. I am sorry for that and I will work on it. But right now I do have reason to worry, you have done something. I want to put this all behind us too but I can't do that unless/until I know that there is no contact between you and the OW. Remember when I talked on the phone to another man? Remember that the only way you could feel secure is if I called him and told him I would never speak to him again? I am asking you for the same thing. Lets sit down together and email her a letter that states that you don't want to see or hear from her ever again, tell her that you love your wife and the inappropriate behavior with her was a mistake that you don't intend to continue"

angeladawn, what your H has done is wrong. But it is interesting that you transgressed the line of respect for him, and you are the one who is jealous. Jealousy is certainly an effective means of making a partner uncomfortable and can kill the love he feels for you. But I am not surprised that after you were talking to somebody else, you are the jealous one and not him. It is the insecurity that you fear that he may do what you yourself feel you may do. I used to ask why spouses who cheat are the ones who are jealous and controlling. Someone told me that it is a phenomenon called projection where they think that the others may think or act like they do.

My suggestion is to seek counseling and find out how you can stop being jealous and controlling. That behavior will pusj him away. Good luck.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>