I have been reading some of your posts--I just want to let you know that I have been in a very, very similar situation. H is a conflict avoider and would send letters and say the things that your H did in the last letter. As Low Orbit told you, he hasn't grown up YET--he is still running.

I don't know if he still has the OW in his life, but I would bet he does because he is too afraid to face what he has done to you and actually be a grown up and deal with the situation, no matter what pain it brings to him. Without children involved, it is, I believe, much harder for these guys to make themselves do something that is so very hard--take responsibility and change their lives to the way they really would like to live.

Don't beat yourself up for lying about reading the letter. You weren't ready to respond in a MB way, so you covered. I think that is ok. This is a strategic fight you are in, for your marriage, and that is the ultimate importance.

I just want you to know that my H is finally coming out of the whole mess now that NC seems to be firmly in place. YOur H talking to SH will, I am sure, make all the difference in the world. It always has when I was able to get my H to talk to SH. We would stop--H would claim finances, but it was always renewed contact with OW and the allure was strong. He couldn't keep it up and still do counseling with SH and me on our M--the truth of what he was doing was just too in his face to do both.

One step at a time, RR. YOu are doing so well, and I just wanted to encourage you. I think there is a lot of hope for your H and your M--but only HE can decide that he will do it. And do it HE must--you can show him, you can provide resources, but until HE does the work, nothing will change. DOn't enable his bad behavior even if your M doesn't work out. If you truly love him, you know that these are issues he needs to work out in order to be fully the person God made him to be.

Take care, I am praying for you.

thanks anne, i'm just feeling so much like judas right now, betraying God and not doing what i told him i would do, trust him. or even like peter, saying i will continue to do believe on Jesus and follow him but then when it comes down to the wire, i chicken out (for lack of a better term) when it really counts.

just now for instance, i told myself and God that i was going to stop getting on the internet so much at work and here i am. i was hired to do a job and i'm not doing it. starting today i was going to only let myself read and post until 0900 and then again at 1500 until 1600 and i messed it all up again because of my H and my desperate feeling.

so w/that being said, i need to follow my words w/actions and get off this computer. thanks for your words of encouragment and yes please continue to pray for me as i do for everyone here as well.

oops double post

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR, I am very very proud of you. Being honest to GOD for your work. He will reward you.

I agree with Anne, don't beat yourself about the letter. You just need the time before responding to your H. You need to talk to SH. BTW, can you e-mail SH at sharley@marriagebuilders.com to tell him this incident, so he won't mention anything about the letter. It is a pre-caution measure.

I've been praying so hard for you and will keep praying. I have some reflection to share in my thread. Keep your chin up, my sis. {{{{{{RR}}}}}

thanks lost,
i did leave a VM for SH and talked as fast as i could and gave him my work and cell phone number to call. i've only been out of the office for about 40 minutes today and i took my cell phone w/me and i haven't gotten a call from SH. so i'm going to email him w/the address you gave me in a few minutes. i'll probably still send the letter if i don't talk to SH by 0900 tomorrow. sometimes i think i'm putting to many eggs in one basket w/SH and w/a session next week w/SH for my H and me plus i just had one yesterday. i'm FAST running out of money and i'm even using credit cards. anyway, like i said i hope i haven't ruined my chance at my M because of what i have done against God.

i've gotta go, prayers to you and all those here.

Prayers for you, RR.

SH is very expensive. Another alternative is Penny. She is saveyourmarriagecentral.com, a lot of people posting here are there too. She charges a little less. But I don't know how effective.

I also feel that we can not totally rely on SH. I feel that he is like us, may not know exactly what to do. He can give us a guideline, but not the detail. We really have to use our feeling, or sense to deal with everythig.

RR, my e-mail is kzmath@hotmail.com. If you feel lonely and want to talk in the weekends, I have free cell phone minutes. Prayers for you.

well i don't know why i am still amazed at what God can do but i am. i was finishing up some posts, etc. and guess who called? SH, he told me that i should still send the letter tomorrow and that i should call him (SH) tomorrow and leave a message that i got a letter from my H that way if the subject comes up on monday w/my H then he (SH)doesn't have to lie about the letter. so that's what i'm going to do. glad i was being slow about leaving work.

as far as your offer to talk, bless you sweetie, i just might take you up on your offer. i'm sending the prayers right back to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>