I was reading your previous posts, piecing your story together. It's one that seem quite a bit different from all the others here. Can you share your story with us or is this too painful?

Bill, Thank you for asking and thank you especially for understanding that it is a painful story to tell. As far as being different goes, well it’s not really any different at the core than anyone else’s story. I made a decision to do something; something so damaging that it changed the course of our lives. We have struggled through the recovery rollercoaster just like everyone else here. We are thankful for where we are today and it is due in a large part by all we’ve learned here on MB.

I’ll never forget the first time I shared a thumbnail sketch of the OM on MB. I was shaking and almost deleted the post but I knew I had to share. It was a MB dog pile situation and I had reached a point where I felt strong enough to speak up. This led to a slightly more detailed post to Stunned Dad whose wife had also been involved with a predator. People seem to toss that word around as an excuse for their behavior but true predators do exist. You never know who you’ve invited into your life until it’s too late.

I was targeted by a man who gathered information on me for about two months before we met. He introduced himself as a police officer and went to great lengths to support his ruse. I had no reason to disbelieve him, although I thought he had a somewhat extravagant lifestyle for a cop. There were other red flags that I chose to ignore because I thought we were “just friends” and I had no anticipation of harm.

Before meeting this man I had lived a hyper responsible life and his carefree nature appealed to me. He had the life of Reilly and I had nothing but responsibilities. I can’t say that it became a PA for any other reason other than that I wanted to have sex with him. He is not my type physically; linebacker (or whatever the hugest guys on football teams are) size and body yet his personality drew me in. I chose to do what I did somewhat like a rebellious teenager defying her parents. I wanted the life of Reilly, if even for a day. I had no intention of repeating the act. I can’t comprehend what I was thinking now.

His intent towards me wasn’t what I understood it to be at all and he made it clear that I belonged to him now and any move away on my part would cost me. He managed to convey all this in his usual charming way but the threat was clear. The A lasted 15 months with me making attempts to get out but never quite succeeding. He attempted suicide in front of me, he took it out physically on someone else because of me and numerous other manipulations. I’ve thought that I spent 25% wanting to be in the relationship and 75% trying to get out. The 25% was the friendship part and a few months into the PA part.

Because I was firmly on the hook, he began to reveal his true nature in bits and pieces and I was badly frightened. He was an extremely angry and violent man who could put on the face of a sane person as long as it suited his purposes. It only became worse with time. I was on a pedestal with him, and it became my sole goal to stay there lest what happened to others would happen to me. I felt my life and my H’s life depended on it.

It is very difficult for me to reconcile my choice to enter into an ONS (only to have it turn into a full blown A complete with Fog) with the fact that I was purposefully victimized for the OMs personal reasons. I was both a sitting duck and perpetrator in my own undoing.

I had zero reason to do it in the first place. My H had a bout with impotence that was very similar in a way to him having an A because he simply was not emotionally with me. We had gotten back on track six months prior to the A and life was good again. I thought I was on top of the world. I do believe now that I never fully forgave him for his hiatus from SF because I know thanks to MB that it is one of my top ENs. There is absolutely no excuse for what I did, however. If only I could turn back time…. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I’m trying very hard to understand why I did it in the first place. My H says that I behaved completely out of character and that I have to forgive myself but this is very hard considering the danger I put us all in. I am so awed and humbled by the love and mercy he has shown me and I am filled with grief when I think of how much I hurt him.

The A has served to lay to rest many of my fears about his love for me. I had always thought in the back of my mind that he married me as a trophy wife but having fallen off the pedestal as far as I have and for him to love me still is testament to his TRUE love for me. This is huge to me.

I am at the point now where H has asked me to examine the abusive nature of the A through IC and I’m feeling very vulnerable. I have to dredge up the uglier aspects and relive the fear all over again. It was such a nightmare and I brought all upon myself.

Bill, this is my story, as much as I can share. I do feel that MB is a healing place for me in a different way from when we first started in recovery.. There are others who have similar tales and if I can help shed light into the workings of a WS mind or situations such as ours it is a good outcome of the A. Our marriage is strong and good and I’m hoping to get to a place where I can say that about myself again. Best, KB

Wow........... good to hear your on recovery. You said something about Hyperresponsible and just needed an escape. That's what I think about my W sometime. She is an overresponsible person, never cuts lose. Worries me a little.

Did you says this guy was a stalker? He collected info. on you for 2 months prior? How did he first make contact with you?

Sorry if this dredging up bad memories. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don't mean to go where I'm not allowed by you. I have a neighbor that's kind of a preditor, I've warned my wife about him and who he is, and to just keep away from him. He's just one I keep my eye on. I can't belive there are guys our there like this!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yes, he was a stalker. I didn't find most of this out until 4 or 5 months into the A. He initially spotted me in a public place. I do remember seeing him as he's an obvious type person due to size. He showed up the following week at the same exact place, same approximate time. I had a routine in those days that I had probably followed for the last 5 or 6 years.

I kept seeing him around but never put two and two together because he never acted like he was observing me. He also never made himself visible to the point where I thought it odd. He had a scanner that he used to listen in on my phone calls. This is probably where he got most of the personal info on me. He also followed me around town in his car so he knew where I would be.

He had "badged" me at some point during this period so I already "knew" he was a cop, so when he made reference to the job the first time we actually talked, I believed him. It was just small talk the first couple of times. His personality was easy going, light and nonthreatening. We became friendly and because he tailored himself to me, I thought he'd be a good friend. I should have read Shirley Glass's book, Not just Friends!

We had mostly a phone relationship which he orchestrated timewise to make it seem like he had to go to work, or was calling from work. A police scanner would be on in the background if he was supposedly at work. He would even break away from the phone to deal with calls for periods of time! He always thought ahead and planted seeds to back up whatever actions he took. He was extemely detailed in his deceptions.

Looking back, it's hard for me to understand how it actually got to PA. I'm married and he had a GF so what was I thinking? Brain lapse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> The GF ended up dumped with a knife at her throat. Nice guy, huh?

On the hyper responsible thing, you have a chance to temper that by taking the Harley advice to make sure you spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together. It actually takes effort to break away from the "must do" lists and cut loose! Don't wait until it's too late.

It's just too easy to get caught up in kids, job, social obligations ect. and forget that we need to spend focused attention on each other. That was probably where I fell down. H and I were good but our conversation centered on everything but ourselves.

Neither one of us are particularly emotionaly needy people so we're a good fit in that sense but it also caused us to neglect each other to some degree. OM on the other hand was very emotional and while it made me uncomfortable it also interested me because he was so different. I viewed him somewhat like a child. A 6'4" 260lb needy child can be a dangerous thing!

You have suspicions about your neighbor? What makes you think he is a predator? Many men are inappropriatly flirty but this doesn't make them predators, just dumb. Either way, your wife needs to have her guard up around this guy.

Since you are here on MB you have a chance to put a hedge around your marriage before anything happens. Do read all the articles and the books recommended (His Needs, Her Needs is a great start) and put into practice the things you learn.

I didn't protect myself or my marriage by entering into an inappropriate friendship. I opened the door step by step and fell straight down into a trap. Protect your wife and your marriage while you can! Can you share more about your situation?

Another WOW for your situation KB. Do you live in a larger city or small town. Just wandering how you got away from om and why he didn't go through with all his threats?

As for me and my situation. I wouldn't even call it a situation. It's just something my neighbor said once that really didn't strike me odd until I heard your story. We were drinking bears in the garage one day and he said something like,
Him, "Do you know how easy it would be to have an afair?
Me, "uh no".
Him,"there are so many 35 to 45 yo women in (insert city here) that you could start up a conversation with them. The 1st time they remotely tell you of their marital problems, and let me tell you everyone has marital problems of some kind they want to ***** about. You tell them Oh, your husband really doesn't understand you. You are such a good wife and mother. Then start picking at her husband. Afew more of these conversations and your in".
Me, I didn't know what to say, I don't think I responded to much.

It didn't really phase me until I heard your story about you being stalked. I knew there are preditors out there and I do my best to make sure my marriage is Affair proof "3 meals of Attention, affection, appreciation" each day". But how do you guard your relationship against a guy like that????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Not sure what to tell my wife so she can keep her guard up. She's very independant and has a mind of her own.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: BillH ]</small>

Boy did I mess that post up. My answer is at the bottom.

Where's Mr. E? Kinda worried about him. I figured he'd be back by now.

I'm worried about Mr. E too. I'll bump it up again if we don't hear from him.

Your neighbor sounds like an [censored]. One thing I am grateful for is I never discussed my marriage with OM in any negative fashion.Small comfort,huh?

OM lives five blocks over. I am very, very cautious when I do go out alone which isn't much anymore. I always check the caller ID even though it's been over a year and a half of NC. I can't go into DD or how OM was dealt with. I have too many identifyers(sp) here as it is. Out of sight out of mind is my hope for OM's mindset regarding me. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome. UGH.

Did you share your conversation with the neighbor with your wife? It would be a good conversation to have.

You know, not all women are going to fall for lines like your neighbor's. Also, it's not like all these creeps are out there just looking for women to jump on although it may seem like it to you reading my story or stories like Mr. E's. I would definitely strenghten the lines of communication between you and your wife. Be close.

Wow, this is really something. What a story! How were you able to put yourself and your family in this situation?

It is perplexing how a person can say that he/she loves someone and still does this. How did your husband react? Did he attempt to confront the OM? If he was stalking you, it sounds like you have grounds for reporting to him to the real cops. Who knows how many other victims he has done this to.

I disagree with the comment made by Bill's friend. I do not think all women would fall for lines like those used by the predators. I believe that those women do not truly love their husbands or just have some issues with low self steem to allow themselves to be used like that. Have you seen a counselor?

Reading your story sent chills up my spine. It is really incomprehensible how humans can act sometimes.

Good luck!

Why-me I know this is going to sound really weird but I actually laughed when I read your question. How was I able to put myself in this situation?

What I did was make a stupid decision to do something purely selfish for once in my life. Is'nt that just awful? Unbelieveable. The consequenses were what they were. I did not sign up for them.

The fact that the OM was what he was was hidden for a long time from me. He remained on his best behavior until he had something to hang over my head. (the ONS) You can picture a charming well spoken man who lives in a 3/4 million dollar house and has every luxury available to him. Low life as he is he manages to look completly successful to the outside world. I had no reason to believe he wasn't. I've always lived a normal life without criminals in it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My husband was VERY angry and hurt at first,but after a few weeks I told him the truth about what had been happening. I didn't want to tell because for one thing I didn't want to admit I had taken up with someone like that and also I didn't feel I deserved any sympathy. I don't. What happened, happened.

As I said, I can't reveal the details of DD or OM's fate. Sorry, I know it's an ugly story but I've tried to soften it as much as I could without losing the point.

It really sounds stranger and stranger. How can a cop live in $3/4 million home? A well-spoken cop? It seems as you were blinded or were ignoring certain facts.

Has your H recovered? Is he aware of the details? I know you said you did not want to admit most of what happened, but were you totally honest to him?

Best regards!

The home he claimed to own turned out to be in his mother's name. The dollar amount is actually on the low side for our area. His extravagance as far as cars, boats and other "toys" was a question for me but for all I knew he had an inheritance. I don't know where the money came from.

As far as him being well spoken AND being a cop, I'm not sure why that is would be a question for you. I hope you don't subscribe to the idea that cops are dumb because that would be a real disservice to those who lay their lives on the line daily to protect us!

I took full responsibility for the A from DD and was brutally honest as far as the details. The part that I didn't reveal until a few weeks later was the nature of the relationship, ie contol, manipulation, blackmail.

It was very hard for him to know what I went through but he has been a great support for me. Has he recovered? We've both worked hard to saving our marriage, we do it daily. We've recovered as a couple. As devastating as it was, OM and the A are not huge issues for our marriage anymore.