My H and I have been having problems for a while including verbal abuse. While we were trying to work on all this, I ran into an old guy friend(even though we have never dated there has always been feelings there other than friends). We starting talking regularly and saw each other a few times (alone). One night we ended up kissing. Even though it felt so wonderful, that night made me see I was too far into this to get out by myself. I told my H 2 days later. The same day I told OM to not call back - to be honest I told him not to call back for a very very long time but never said never call back. Things with H have been rollercoaster since. The problem now is that BH wants to meet OM. I did give him OM cell phone number - he wants home num and address - I don't have these so cannot give them to him. So over the last few days he has talked to a private investigater and our sherrifs department. He had now gotten his home address OM knows BH is looking for him and wants him to never talk to me again. Now BH has told me if OM calls back (which he has done since I told him not call for long time - about 2 weeks ago) he wants me to press harrassment charges on OM or he will leave me. He still plans on meeting him so he wil know what he looks like. I am very nervous about this because they both have very bad tempers. I had a friend call OM and warn him that H would be calling him (he had no idea H had cell #). H found out and was very mad. I guess I am just wondering how to take all of this. I have transferred all of my calls to my secretary and told her to take messages (because work is where he always calls me and he will not leave message) I can't see me pressing charges on OM - this way I won't know if he calls. Any advice would be great.

Write a "no contact" letter to OM specifying that what you two did was wrong, disrespectful to your husband, and you must never see each other again. Specify that you are instead going to work on your marriage. Sign it, show it to your husband, offer him to sign it as well, and allow him to mail it.

NEXT - bring your husband here so we can share our insights with him. Assuming he may not be willing to do this, print out this post and show it to him.

Dear confussedinla's husband - I'm a guy and I understand your motivations to seek out the other guy for any number of reasons.

Forget him. He's pond scum and does not deserve your attention.

Further, he is not the problem - he's only the symptom of the pre-existing problems in your marriage. Whatever took place between he and your wife was due to problems you and your wife allowed to enter your marriage. Be thankful that she is now willing to fix these problems. Take advantage of this crisis to get some good out of it. If you try, you both can build a stronger marriage beyond your wildest expectations. Seeking out OM will not help this.

Good luck and come to us for help.

Pep,

H has a bad temper but has never hit a woman including me. I really feel he would never. He can be very verbally abusive to me but he is working hard on this. As far as being dangerous to OM, I do not doubt he would hit him given the chance. He also carries a pistol in his truck, I don't think he would use it because on the risk of going to jail. The gun also scares me because he has admitted thoughts of suicide.

Worthatry,

H says the reason he wants to meet OM is so that he will know what he looks like that way if we ever run into him in store or anywhere he will know it is him and he won't be looking at every man around wondering if that is him. But I will print your response for him. He hates computers - not even sure if he knows how to get on the internet.

Thanks for the responses

any other comments?

I think WAT said it all so I have nothing to add. WAT is exactly right.

I agree with peps observations, your H actions are extremely disturbing...wanting to know who the om is is one thing, and understandable, but all this sleuthing and planning and such is way over the top and indicative of a dangerous, obsessive personality...it suggests you are property, and he views you as such...that with the history of verbal abuse should not be taken lightly. You are not property, and free to do whatever you want, including having an affair...while that is a bad choice, it is still your right as a sovereign human being....instead of focusing on what is wrong in the marriage, your H is reacting like someone stole his horse...

However, on the other hand you don't control anyone but you, and if your H wants to act stupidly, that is his choice, as is yours to remain married (if he does not address successfully your marital issues). Likewise it was the om choice to involve himself with a married woman, and predictable male responses....if they want to fight it out over you like a dogs then IMO you better off with neither of them, unless you want to be property all your life. Use this as a learning experience, regardless of outcome, that is the benefit of adverse experiences, to learn...if your H doesn't want to learn, then that is on him....apparently he hasn't a clue the problem is not the om, but himself, and how he relates to you...that is unfortunate.

WAT's approach is adequate for the momement, and about all that can be done...but the real problem is your H and how he deals with life...good luck.