I'm so confused about my H's A. I shouldn't try to understand why, but if some of you WS's could help me out...My H and the OW both have told me that on the first day that he spoke to OW, he said to her, "My life is perfect. I have the perfect job, the perfect life, and the perfect wife. She is beautiful, intelligent and gives me all the freedom I want. I have nothing to complain about in my life." Then how could he go and have an A? Is it that he is a heartless, selfish, greedy SOB who will always be a slimeball? Because, let me tell you, while I have my faults, I AM a damn near perfect wife. I am attractive, fit, a professional who makes good money. We are financially secure beyond belief (no mortgage), no kids (so we have time and freedom), we live in a great town surrounded by wonderful family and friends. He gets to fish whenever he wants (which is 2-3 times a week for at least 12 hrs at a time). In the winter we go skiing every other weekend (another of his passions.) His job is great with a fair, lenient boss. He really does have a great life, and if he had an A with this life, what would he do with financial strain, kids, health crises? I know I'm ranting, so I'll get to the question for all the WS's. Did any of you have the illusion of a great life with no complaints so to speak? Did you have what my H has and still do it because you temporarily lost it? Or did all of you have problems in your M? It makes more sense to have an A if you were unhappy in some way. And to top it all off, we've only been married for 7 yrs, together 12. He's 35, me 30. It's not like we've been together 25-30 years and life has taken a strain. We have been blessed with good fortune in all areas, and he puts it all on the line for some slimy sex with a slut??? It just doesn't make sense to me, and it makes me think to leave him. Please WS's help me with your insight...

I forgot to add background and thought it would help:

Me BS wife 30
Him WH 35
Married 7 yrs, together 12, no kids (thank God!)
EA 3/02 to 3/04, PA 7/03 to 2/04
OW 23yo co-worker, very promiscuous, was sleeping w/ 7-9 other men while w/ my H and he knew about it!;I on the other hand was a virgin when he met me
d-day 3/7/04
NC 3/8/04
H contacted OW again from 4/3-4/16
2nd NC 4/17 to present

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: 2hurt4words ]</small>

You are definitely angry. Is he an a**hole and a slimeball? I don't know.

A lot of people say, "We had the perfect life before the A." Personally, I doubt it. There is no such thing as a perfect life. Money doesn't buy happiness. All it does is eliminate one set of problems. I've seen people making $8000 a year happier than people making $800,000 a year. (NOTE: I've been rich and I've been poor, and rich is better.)

My guess is that your H has problems that either he can't identify or won't tell you about. He is probably having a midlife crisis. The questions presented are, "What is my life about? What is the purpose to my life? Is this all there is?" (Personally, I would be bored to death if my goal in life was to go fishing twice a week--but that is just me.)

Have you talked about where you lives are going, what you want out of life and what you want out of the M and where are you headed now that you are financially secure? Or are you planning on more of the same for the next 30 years?

The easy answer, which I'm sure you'll hear in no time, is that the OW is a sleezy wh*re with no morals who led your H astray--and she may be.

You can, of course, get a divorce. You certainly have cause to divorce him. But perhaps you and he need to spend some time investigating how and why your M came to this.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

JimmyMac, Thanks for your insight. I do agree that obviously there were problems. A's don't happen for no reason. My worry is that will he do it again when life isn't so great. I'm frustrated because I know there is a root cause as to why he had the A. The OW is NOT the problem. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. The OP is insignificant. I've come to terms with that much. The main problem is that he won't go to counseling, and I feel he will never conquer the "disease of infidelity" if he doesn't find out deep down what caused him to do such a thing. He has become very spiritual since the A was exposed and says that God and faith are the only things he needs and that was what was missing in his life. He says b/c of having God and faith now, counseling is useless. I worry that if I let this go, infidelity will creep in again for a 2nd time years down the road.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: 2hurt4words ]</small>

I am not a WS but I never thought my relationship with WS would lead to an A. He told me I was completely opposite from OW. Maybe that's what attracted him to her in the first place. Believe me money will never buy happiness. It's nice to be financially secure but possessions are just that. One day I hope to be able to talk to WS about OW but right now he is with her and I'm hoping the fog will soon lift and he will see her for the lying s*** she is. Sometimes WS's are searching for something they think OP will provide without realizing what they need lies within themselves.

2H4W

I'm a WS who now is trying to work on my M. In my head my reasons were simply my needs were not being bet. Since my M was started we had issues with SF. She was never to positive with me and rarely had good things to say to me.
She got pregnant when we were dating and three months later we were M. Ever since she was pregnant S was none existant. I would try only to be told I discust her. I see know I should have got help for her, she was mollested as a child. I failed her in so many ways.

I think the illusion of a perfect realationship is what all WS have. I had struggle with that constantly.
Just my thoughts
I wish you the best of luck.

million-dollar question. what wouldn't I give for an answer to the damn WHY?

My WS said I'm everything he ever wanted and more - huh?? Then one day he said to me, "you may not believe this but I do put you on a pedestal sometimes." I wonder if this is partly why he couldn't confide in me when he's feeling stressed out and incompetent, and thus have to turn to OW for easy distraction for his insecurities.

just a thought. but I too think my WS needs to go for counselling. Like you I'm afraid that without understanding what happened, it will happen again.

Sounds like he is bouncing from one "cure" for his problem to the next. He tried sex, and that didn't work. Now he is trying God. If that doesn't work, what next?

Why don't you tell him you want MC? You are, after all, suffering due to the A. Go to the church, ask the preacher/priest for recommendations for MC, and do it. Say you are doing it for you...MC or IC will get to the same place sooner or later.

KRYSTAL: There seem to be two flavors of WS--the serial adulterer and the one time adulterer. Your plain vanilla WS is not getting his needs met within the M and then finds someone to supply what he wasn't getting in the M. Sometimes its sex, sometimes it is emotional support, sometimes it is both.

And, you are absolutely right: He should identify what he wasn't getting in the M so that he and you can make sure the A won't happen again.

2hurtforwords,

I’m going to copy and paste the following from one of my threads I’ve posted last year. I’m sure it will answer some of your questions (from my perspective as a FWS). Here it is: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The most important lessons I have learned and my perceptive now and prior to my EA:

1. Illusion (before my EA): There is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships, as long there is no physical involvement.

Fact (after EA has ended): Close opposite sex friendship is VERY DAMAGING and a potential thread for any marriage. Friendships like this (especially were there is a close emotional attachment en dependence) are the ‘silent enemy’ and ‘silent killer’ because on the eye it ‘seems’ so innocent.

2. Before EA: If you are happily married and most of your EN’s are being met by your S, no OP or opposite sex friend is a potential thread to the M.

After EA: A’s happen all the time, even in very happy marriages. A marriage can stray en be vulnerable to an affair also because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M. All people have some personal problems/issues and baggage they bring into the M. Everyone must be aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities.

3. Before EA: A’s only happen to bad people who have low morals and no conscience. People who have affairs don’t have love or respect towards their spouses.

After EA: A’s can happen to ANYONE – even good, religious people with high morals and strong conscience can get involved in an A... In fact, sometimes the so-called ‘good’ people are more vulnerable to an affair than anyone else because they think they will never get tempted and are not aware of their own human weaknesses. The same is applicable on OP’s.

4. Before EA: If you truly love your spouse, there can never be a place in your heart for someone else. If you develop feelings for someone else, you don’t really love your spouse.

After EA: I believe it IS possible to truly love your S and at the same time have feelings for someone else. The theory of the love bank also explains this phenomenon very clearly. Like I have said earlier, A’s can also happen because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 05:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did any of you have the illusion of a great life with no complaints so to speak? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, but my wife did. In addition to the perfect family, I felt perfectly excluded from it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you have what my H has and still do it because you temporarily lost it? Or did all of you have problems in your M? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Both. I was lost and became resentful because I didn't think my wife cared.

I seriously doubt your life was perfect. You listed a lot of measures you used to justify that. I would argue that NONE of them are good measures of a healthy marriage.

Low

As a FWH:

I couldn't agree more with LowOrbit.

In fact, I wish I had written that post.