I'm losing respect for H fast. Our son was evacuated from UNC-Wilmington, so he showed up Tuesday around 4 a.m. He said apt was nice, but felt like he didn't have a home/home anymore. He's getting used to everything now and seems to feel better. Get this -- both kids have come to visit ME since I finally moved out 8/20. My H has yet to tell his mother or family. I am close to his sister. She knows, so I know his mom knows. When the kids have come, he comes by or we go out to eat. HE HAS NEVER SAID ONE WORD ABOUT THE SITUATION TO THEM, NOR HAVE THEY HIM. They all act like this is just the way it has always been. When they want to talk, they talk to me. <P>The kicker -- he is considering a job in Wilmington with his company. Yet he SAYS "we" are a priority. BS. He hasn't done anything he said he would do -- continue therapy/take meds. He'll call me for dinner out one/two times a week (at least once he wants to throw clothes in the washer). <P>I'm losing respect for him. It galls me that he has avoided any conversation with the kids. He acts like all is well. He is wanting to run away to Wilmington (he says we would see each other eve then). I guess I'm supposed to drive down there and screw him once or twice a month. I believe it is about time for Plan B. I really had hopes that we could work things out, but I see no progress in the month I've been out. Why continue the hurt? He is a WUS!! HE IS SPINELESS. RIGHT NOW I WOULD LOVE TO TELL HIM WHAT A SPINELESS PIECE OF CRAP HE IS. <P>With all the weather around us, perhaps the moon isn't sitting where it should be and I'm off my rocker a bit. I'm just so sick of his lack of follow through and acting like nothing is wrong or different around the kids. They don't understand where he's coming from and ask ME. I've told them both if I knew where he was coming from I wouldn't be where I am today. Have told them both I'm open to working on the marriage, but he has to contribute. I'm beginning to question even that. <P>

Janie,<P>Don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that i know how you feel. After 19 yrs together my W will soon move out into an apartment to have "her space." She refuses to work on the marriage through counseling and she reads the books i have bought her until they start to argue that marriages are worth saving, but take work. Then she puts them down.<P>I don't understand this behavior, but i've come to the conclusion that it's basically a lack of maturity. Commitment requires maturity. <P>I wish you well.

Personally, I don't do my H's laundry when he's out of the house. But I do other wifely stuff, inviting him for supper, making sure his favorite snacks are here, etc. It's hard to stop being a wife, especially if you do still love them.<P>Janie, I'm concerned about you. You no longer sound like you're okay about the sex. If you are feeling used, stop doing it. He is breaking his promises and and commitments to you, won't say that he loves you--his vows are broken, you do not have to have sex with him to keep your intent to save your marriage. <P>I feel this decision is totally up to you. Have sex IF YOU WANT and feel it is RIGHT for you, but don't do it just to keep him out of someone else's bed if it makes you feel lousy. You've got to protect yourself and your emotions when you hear that nasty empty gurgle coming from your lovebank. Only you know what you can cope with at this point. As I've said, I slept with my H while separated. We did stop for awhile when he moved home this last time though. Neither one of us had the energy or heart to initiate, but it's a little better at the moment.<P>God bless.<BR>

To make matters worse today, he called right before lunch to see if I'd heard anything about Wilmington conditions. THEN... he said he had been to the ATM and his checkbook didn't jive. I pulled the account up (I work at the bank) and went over checks that had cleared, drafts, etc. He hadn't written down a grocery store debit and said I don't know about that one. I'VE WRITTEN DOWN EVERYTHING!!. I proceeded to tell him my atm card was not linked to that account and I hadn't touched that account since 8/20. How dare he?? I didn't even make him pay his spousal support this month so he could get set up himself. Sep. agreement called for it to be paid 9/1. Then to talk to me like he did in that condescending (sp??) hateful tone of voice. <P>I'm really in a mood today.....<BR>

Me too Janie. I think we are both blowing the Step 5 of the Forgiveness workbook. Are we still attached and trying to elevate ourselves to the superior mode?<P>Read it, maybe it will help. If it doesn't, it will definitely make you more confused than you are now.<P>You did the right thing by helping him find his mistake. Is he afraid of blame? He sounds just like my husband. Don't feel guilty, and don't feel superior. This is something he needs to learn without you.<P>

Spoke with H last night. Mood was much better. I had gone to the gym and worked out. Came home, took a hot shower and cried some. By the time he called I was feeling much more relaxed. I'm glad in a way we can't go to the beach for a day or so (still no power/sailboat crashed into the bridge to island and road is closed). Conversation was good. We talked about possible job change and he explained to me why it was kind of a "now or never" scenario for the position. I understand and if God plans for us to work things out, things WILL find a way to work out even if its long distance. <P>I've decided once and for all to turn this over to HIM. I've wanted to all along, but couldn't quite get it out of my mind that this was something I had total control over. I know now I can't control anything. Everything to come will be because of His will. <P>I want to thank everyone on this forum who has encouraged me through spiritual advice and experience. I have always felt like I had to be in control. I'm fast learning I'm not the one in control. Thanks everyone.<P>