I don't know whats wrong with me.

I had settled in my mind that I would work toward reconciliation, or at least friendship, and lately he has been calling me every night. He says he isn't with anyone now, but a few weeks ago he told me he was having sex with her once in a while.
This has been going on for a couple of years now, between them.

We haven't lived together for about 6 months. Now he is starting to show signs of wanting to be with me, and I thought I had forgiven him, but it is all too fresh and I don't know anymore.

There have been too many lies, no remorse on his part, no talking about things.

I just read an old im of theirs from back when I first found out, and right now I don't even know if I want to see him. I don't even know if I can talk to him.

Maybe I need time, but the way I feel right now, I don't know if I will ever be able to be with him again. There is too much that needs to be dealt with, and after all these years I am losing heart that we will ever have any kind of relationship. I feel like giving up, letting him go.
I know he is disturbed, but I am tired of making excuses for him, I'm tired of being the one who always tries to make it work.

I'm just tired and hurt.

He says he is coming here this weekend, he has a couple of days off from work, and I suddenly dont' know if I can stand to be around him.

All these months I was praying for him to turn around, now he finally is, and I don't want him. Well I want him, but not the lies, the betrayal etc.
I don't know what I want, but I better figure it out before he gets here, or I might say or do something I could regret.

I need advice.

Whoa. Talk about eerie. Not only am I feeling pretty much exactly the same as you posted, but I too am going to visit my WW this weekend. Visitation with her son and me helping organized and sort through our stuff is the 'reason' of the visit.

She is supposed to be moving in with me and our son next month, and it's something I've been hoping for plenty over the last 5 months, but as the date grows closer and she's still showing no remorse or any commitment to the actions that will lead to reconciliation my feelings are turning.

I'm starting to resent the pain. Forgiveness that I've felt is starting to crumble as the same old pain gets dragged out. And I'm asking myself if I really want to live with it.

Can I really face this every day when I get home from work?

I know that's not much in the way of advice. But what I can share with you is what keeps me going. What keeps me committed and working towards reconcilliation even though I'm not sure I really even want to after all this.

What keeps me going is the future. What could be if I can just make it through this rough spot (understatement city) and see it through to a time when we are both giving it our all. The heights we could attain are truly incredible. There is so much potential.

If I give up now, it's all dust. Nothing will be built. My son, like his parents, will grow up a product of a broken home. I will never feel love like that again.

That's what keeps me going. Sometimes it's almost not enough. There have been times, even with those thoughts that I've fallen off the horse. Still, I'm still posting. Still hoping. Still trying.

It sure doesn't seem worth it right now, but I have faith that one day it will be.

dewt

Shul,

My counselor told me something once that really stood out for me at the second time my WH was professing his love for me and wanted to reconcile.

Because we hadn't been living together either since WH was away working,my C said that when your WH comes home,it will be like time stood still for 3 months.That when WH left and now he is coming home,he is ready to move forward and you are still left behind to deal with all the time that passed and I was in limbo.

So,when WH came home,he was ready to get started and I was left feeling like I had been back in December,rejected,hurt,scared,sick and everything else.In order for me to catch up,I was going to have to live through all that painful time again,to go through it and deal with it.Does that make sense? I'm sorry, I am about ready to go to bed and I am so tired,I am probably not making this clear.

In other words,I would not let your WH come back without some MAJOR rules in place and the most obvious being NC with OW.Until he has done that,don't let him back into your world.You can't afford to risk it.

Lastly,if you really feel uncomfortable with WH seeing you then don't let him.Tell him you are not ready.That's what I would do.Don't feel pressured to do anything right now.Lord knows he's kept you waiting long enough,make HIM wait.

O

Thanks Dewt.

I came to a point a while ago where I gave up on the marriage and was just concerned for my husband as a person, someone I care about.

I still care about him, but I don't know if I can ever be in relationship with him. How do you talk to someone who has hurt you so badly, for so long, lied, cheated. What hurts the most is that they made fun of me all this time.

I have forgiven him, and her, but I am feeling the hurt worse right now than I did in the beginning. Usually I heal fast, but this is different for some reason.

I want a home, a family too, but I have a feeling its too late, that there is too much water under the bridge.

If I give up now, I might be sending him straight back to her. He would feel justified in his mind. He hates feeling guilty. he told me last year he wished I was dead so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about everything.

I know exactly what you are saying...

I feel like I'm standing on the bridge and looking down at all the water that is still rushing by...

I too felt that I'd reached a level of forgiveness, but oddly I'm finding that feeling is crumbling as she continuously acts as though I am the bad guy through all this.

An honest and profound effort on her part would go a long way to bringing me back, but that doesn't look likely.

Still, I'm not quite willing to give up yet. I sense in your words that you are feeling the same way.

Hold on just a little while longer. Have a talk with your H about how you feel. Let him know that if he really wants reconcilliation, there's going to be some serious effort involved. Not just on his part either.

You can't sit back and say, "I've suffered enough and worked at this enough and now it's your turn!"

It is work.

It's hard work.

Ask yourself if there's a possiblility that in the end it'll all be worth it.

dewt

Dear Shul,

You know, I would feel the same if I were in your shoes too. Your instincts are telling you that you should not be having this marriage-or this relationship if your H does not RESPECT you.

You forgive him because you are the better person in this marriage. You have grace. But remember, when we ask God for forgiveness, we have to repent too.

Shul, you are not giving up, I know. You just want a good M, not an unfair request. Shul, its time to draw the line-- if he is to come home, no OPs, no ONS and he is to contribute to the marriage like a proper H should. He vowed to love you, Shul. If he is to come back to honor your marriage, he has to meet your needs just as you will meet his. Anything less, NO GO! Set your boundaries. I am sure he can live within them. If you are to have this marriage, both of you have to protect it and care for it like a precious jewel. Your marriage is sacred! If H wants the marriage he will have to respect it and nurture it. Don't settle for anything less, please.

DO NOT let him think he can come and go anytime he wants. DO NOT let him think he can use his confusion in life to mess up yours. Do not let him waste your time. I have a feeling he knows how to use his guilt to manipulate you, make you feel sorry for him. He seems to have no qualms about doing that, making you feel miserable. You are one good woman. Why should you let a lousy H make you feel miserable? Why do you worry if he goes back to OW? Grrrrr... he can go mess up her life. You think it'll be any good with her? I can't believe you didn't sock him good for wishing you were dead so he doesn't have to feel his guilt... what kinda talk is that????
Yes, you are guilty of LBing him in the past. But what's over's over. If you have forgiven him for his ways, shouldn't he forgive you for yours? Why are you allowing him to hold you responsible for his guilt?

He is not being a responsible adult because you didn't require him to be, and he is getting away with it. Think, Shul. If you allow him to be this way, your marriage will not heal. I am sorry I am not gentle in my reply today, but it really irks me to see the way he is treating you and I cannot bear to see you subject yourself to such treatment! You really do deserve better, with H or not!!

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Ruffled ]</small>

Yes, Ruffled I agree with you on one level. I am probably allowing all of this, maybe even promoting it by default.

But what do I say to him?

Maybe it is too soon to confront him about things, but I think it is coming.

Right now all I can think of to say to him is that I care about him, but I have reservations about being in a relationship with him.

I told him a while ago that I am looking for monogamy and committment. he told me that he wasn't playing the field, and it was a lie, he was still with her.

I can't be intimate with him if he is still with her, or anyone else. He has blown it, I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
<strong> .....If I give up now, I might be sending him straight back to her. He would feel justified in his mind. He hates feeling guilty. he told me last year he wished I was dead so he wouldn't have to feel guilty about everything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With a statement like the above, you really don't have much to lose by NOT letting him back in until YOU feel safe.

Many a WS think it and a few actually say it. It is quite scary for a BS to hear those words.

IMHO, you need to draw that safety line. Let him know you love him but not sure if you feel safe around him....yet. If he threatens you that those actions will send him back to the OW, then so be it. This would mean that he is already with the OW in spirit at the very least and NOT commited to recovery.

When he is really ready to come back, your needs will be his foremost concern. He will make you feel safe. He will be convincing beyond doubt that he has chosen his family over any OP.

Be strong.

JMHO,
L.