I asked Dylan to write me a letter. The request was spawned by a mix of my jealousy that OW got a letter and by my own frantic need for some sort of understanding.
I wrote one of my own, with the intent of getting a few things off my chest and also setting some boundries.
I'm sending it to myself because my printer doesn't work but I also wanted to post it and get some feedback. It's got some lovebusting elements in it still (I took the really angry stuff out)
I don't know yet if I should let her read it, even though I'm glad I wrote it. It's unfinished too...
Anyway... here it is...
________________________
It has been almost 6 months that we have been separated. That time has been, for me, a hell that I’m not sure you could even imagine.
You say your focus right now is on our son. I guess that is as good a place to start as any. It is time now to make choices. It is time now to make plans. It is time now for action. I will apologize for bringing this pressure upon you. But as much as I don’t want to back you up against a wall, the time has come where issues must be faced and dealt with. This pressure does not come from me and my own selfish desires to have the woman I love by my side. This pressure comes from the fact that I’m a father and a human being and I have responsibilities both to my son and to myself.
You said our son is your focus. You want what’s best for him.
I propose that what’s best for our son is to grow up in a functional family. A family with both parents. Parents that love each other and tackle life and it’s challenges as a strong and faithful unit. Parents that are not paralyzed by drug use or apathetic depression.
Do you want our son to grow up the product of a broken home? Do you want him to learn that it’s ok to break vows or promises and walk away from the ones you love? Do you want to deprive him of all that he deserves?
We gave this child LIFE, sweethear. And we took on a responsibility when we did so. Do you want to give our son the kind of life your Mom gave you? Or the kind of life my Mom gave me? We are setting an example for the child. We do it every day, in everything we do. So far, over the last 8 years, if we had been graded on our performance as parents, we would receive a failing mark.
Yes we love him. But love is clearly not enough. As you and I both know all too well.
It’s just a word without the actions to back it up.
If you decide, for whatever reason, that we cannot give our son this family life, then we must find the next best thing. I don’t know what that is. But I do have a strong feeling that if you move back in here without a solid plan in place, we are doomed to failure. Yes, we have talked about going to see a counselor, and I think that is a very good step, but things are still in a very “let’s see what happens” kind of place.
Thus far, I’ve done my best to be a good BS, Harley style. To be sure I haven’t been perfect. But I have been trying. I’ve tried to give you your space. I’ve kept my disrespectful judgements to myself. I’ve thus far refrained from angry outbursts. Only God knows how, because you have sure earned plenty of each. You still have not shown a shred of remorse for the pain you have caused me and our son and neither have you shown any serious attempt to come to terms with your own journey. It is almost 6 months later and you are still saying the same things.
As far as selfish demands go, the one thing I keep asking for is clarity. To know where I stand. I believe that is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and yet even that I’ve honestly tried to curtail. You will say, “no you haven’t” and I will say, “yes I have”. Because any other non-MB person that I know would have demanded answers from day one and followed that up with a trip to the lawyers office.
But I’m getting to the end of my ability to keep this up. I have fears that once you get here, if things don’t change, it will cause me more damage and pain than I can bear. I learned in November and December that I have limits and I learned what happens when I try to ignore them.
I’ve been ‘growing up’ and part of that is I am developing an ability to have some respect for myself and set some limits in regards to how I let myself be treated.
I am a human being. I have a soft and caring heart and it is bruised easily. I care about you deeply and therein lies the problem. As long as I have these feelings for you, I remain susceptible to being hurt by you. Hurt to the point where I cannot function normally. Constant anxiety attacks and insomnia, weightloss and depression. These are all very real issues that I faced this winter while the one who had pledged to care for me for the rest of my life accused me of ‘over-reacting’ and being ‘intrusive’ while she was having an affair.
While on many levels I’ve forgiven you for this, I certainly am resolved that I do not find myself in such a situation again. Not only that, but since you made the decision to step out of this family unit, I have been soley responsible for the care of our son. That is an obligation that I take very seriously and I do not have the right to place myself in a situation where my ability to care for him is compromised.
Obviously I cannot control your behavior.
If I could, I’d program you to never hurt me again. I’d program you to commit to this marriage and this family and I’d program you to never expect anything less than the best from me, Mini and Maxidewt too. And I’d program you to believe that we all deserve your best too.
But like I said, I can’t program those values into you. I wish so badly that they were there. If I believed they were, or if you actions showed that they were, I’d have no fears about you joining Minidewt and I and no qualms about keeping my heart open to you.
And I’d have no problems trusting you.
But right now, after all that has happened, and all that you have done, I don’t trust you. You scare me so profoundly that I don’t think I can accept you into my home unconditionally.
I feel I have to set boundries to protect myself and our son.
I don’t even have words to express how sad it makes me that I feel this way.
So these are the boundries that I’ve come up with. I’m sorry if you take offense at this, or the way it’s worded. I’m doing my best to keep my extremely tumultous feelings under control and present this in a fair and respectful manner.
1> I need to know if you are moving in with us in June when I come with the U-haul to move all our furniture and belongings.
2> If you are not, or choose not to answer that question, I will insist on a legal arrangement regarding care and living arrangements for our son before he leaves his home here for any extended stay or visitation.
3> If you are not ready to recommit to rebuilding our family and our feelings of love for each other, I expect us to discuss and come up with a time limit for your stay with us as well as seek mediation in regards to our boy’s living and visiting arrangements. If you do not want to be married to me and a full time mom to your son, that is your choice, but it is unrealistic to expect us to live platonically together. I don’t think that would be good for us and I don’t think that would be good for our son.
4> You said you wanted to see a counselor before making this decision and I agree that is a good idea. We can arrange for a visit between now and our moving date (at my expense) and I will schedule an appointment for that time (also at my expense).
I'm really hoping and praying for a happy ending to this story. I'm steadily losing faith that it's going to turn out that way and perhaps these boundries are not going to make it any easier, but I really feel like I'm backed into a corner of my own here and have to set some limits.
I do love you and do want you to be happy. Please accept this as the truth.
dewt
