Someone help me get a focus on this. I'm thinking I want to save my marriage and am into a month now of Plan A.
Communication is good but he still yo-yo's back and forth and is undecided.

By waiting for the A to end, by waiting for the WS to come to his senses and out of the fog are we not allowing ourselves to be second choice.
I feel like if I wait for the A to run its course till death then I'm just the old dependable BS that gets picked cause the A didn't work out.

I'm loosing focus and need a pep talk I guess. I don't want to be second choice. I want to be number one.

Bump. I'm really needing some help with this. Anyone have words of wisdom?

Whitefeather,

I can't really help you with the way you are feeling. But I can say that I think it is normal to feel that way. I had the same exact feelings when I was in Plan A, and at the beginning of the A.

HINY

I know I keep thinking that if I had a choice of with WH or living without him. I would still take WH.
Just don't know if I'm selling myself short.

And I try to look at the A as an addiction and so then I don't see my being the 2nd runner up. That I'm trying to compare apples and oranges . . . but still. We are talking about OW providing EN and PN and so its hard to see this as apple and oranges. And I see it being one female choice or the other.

As you can tell this is really confusing me. How are others handling this? . . . if it is bugging ya'll. Am I focusing too much on this?

I did this same exact thing and I still do. Cause if you could see my WH OW you would really wonder what he was thinking. I am wondering if reality will ever settle in for him. I just can't figure out what she gives him that I didn't. I know that she is the third woman that he has tried to rescue. His girlfriend before me had a kid on her own, then I was Ding with a kid, and now this one is D with a kid. He seems to think he has to be everyone knight and shining armour for some reason. Except this time he left his own kid to do it. I do know what you mean exactly though. I felt the same way, very confused. I want WH, but he doesn't want me, so do I really want him and why? Why want someone that doesn't want me? I have tried to figure this out, forget it. Useless to even bother trying I think. You either want your M, or you don't. Personal option, don't try to figure it out, you will drive yourself nuts.

HINY

Keep to plan A if you still think you can go on with it.

You will know when the time is ripe for plan B.

We are not 2nd choice. It only feels like that but we are not. You have to understand that OW constantly think we are number one. And we are because we are the WIFE. That is number one. Mistresses are always number two. OW are very sad people...they want WH but they cannot have them and this fact haunts them like hell.

Since you are still in plan A...keep to plan A...fight back at OW by being the good wife...dont LB but insist that he spends every holidays, weekends and every night with you. This fact will eat OW alive...trust me...i have visit THE OTHER WOMAN site and WH spending time with family always hurt them the most. Hopefully this hurt will eventually make OW LB so you hang on there.

There are many things in life I've where I've found my views to be 180 degrees off from the popular view.

This is one of those as well.

Here, Plan A Plan A Plan A.

I think it's in reverse. The US needs to Plan A the BS.

Otherwise, something unhealthy is set up. The Victim pays twice, and the thief gets the jewels and the gold.

That is simply unheathly, in any relationship.

As with most things, I think this situation can be boiled down to: do you WANT someone, who does NOT REALLY WANT YOU?

If, they are NOT showing that they really want you, find someone who does. Want to Plan A your whole life?

I think, that many BS suffer from a severe loss of self-esteem, and are susceptible to being bu_tt kissers.

That's too bad, and something that needs to be fought off. Because, then, you are complicit in your own imasculation (or defeminization).

My view, for what it's worth....

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: MLM2 ]</small>

Here's how I look at it. The MB program can save your marriage. Also it lets you heal while you are going through all this. It makes you change.

I still feel like my WH's 2nd choice, and I am because he is addicted to OW. But after 8 months here on MB, I have changed and healed.

If he decides to come back, I may take him. If he decides to stay with OW, then I have a whole new life to look forward to. And I will have no regrets because I know I did all in my power to save the marriage.

It really is a hard situation because there is a part of me that feels so disappointed in my WS. Even though mine is home, I am so full of doubt and can't get physical with him. As you know, I asked my WS to leave immediately when I knew he was in contact with OW. He did, he was gone 3 weeks in total and then came back. Living with her and her son was totally different from shagging her occasionally. At the moment, it feels like too many issues are being swept under the carpet and we are not talking about the A. But we will. I need to choose my moment. Never believe you are second best. His brains are temporarily living in the wrong part of his anatomy so he's pretty hopeless at choosing his 'right' path. Trouble with plan A is it really is all about them. I prefer plan B when YOU get to make the choices. Plan A still gives them the best of both worlds. Plan B is all about you and what you want. I really care about your situation cos you were the first person on MB I corresponded with. I was so sorry to hear you're on medication but if you feel better on it that's great. Keep well.

In my opinion, I don't think you will have a successful Plan A while the A is still going on. I believe that a choice must be made. Either stick with me or you're otta here. That choice must be given to the WS and then it must be enforced. Don't let them have their cake and eat it to.

Whitefeather,
Unfortunately, many times perception is reality. If you think and really believe you are a 2nd choice, then you will Feel and behave like a 2nd choice.

With that said, there is merit to your question as many BS have had to wrestle with this question in one form or another.

The question: Is the BS the second choice? IMO, guess that depends.

Some quick examples:

If an A dies a natural death and the WS comes to their senses, returns to the M, has NC with OP, is sincerely remorseful, and then proves this by doing the hard work to repair the damage they have caused..........then in this cause I would say NO, the BS is NOT the second choice, as the WS has chosen the BS OVER the OP.

However, if the OP is the one that dumps the WS and ends the A, that is another story. IF the main reason that the WS returns to the BS is only because they got rejected and basically had no better place to go, then Yes, in this case, the BS is a 2nd choice. Why? Because the WS would still choose to be with the OP if the OP would still have them. That is tough to swallow.

Of course there are all types of scenarios in between these 2.

With all this said, even if you are a second choice, you can still Prove your WS made the mistake of NOT choosing you first, by creating a great M. Even if you feel you are #2 in the picking order, you can still be #1 in the long run.

We've all seen someone at a restaurant order their "choice" and then regret making it, once they sample what someone else at the table ordered. Being the 1st choice, doesn't make someone the "Right" choice.

Keep in mind, that in actuality WE WERE the 1st choice. We were there first. Truly, We are also the RIGHT choice ( even if our WS never realize it!)

So take back your power and keep trying.
Whatever the outcome, at the end of all this you will be a better and stronger (as well as wiser) person.
(EVEN though it doesn't much feel like it right now!)

Maybe not words of wisdom, BUT:
I do not seem to read many posters that have success with Plan A. It just doesn't seem to have the same sting or the punch of Plan B. It seems that Plan B (when done correctly), has much more of an impact on the WS, and makes them come back to reality quicker. Plan A, seems to just basically let the WS, have their cake and eat it too. Unless, plan A is just to set the stage for plan B, why keep at a plan that isn't working.

This is all IMO. Of course there are some plan A success stories. However, I've seen far too many not work, and meanwhile the BS suffers.
AT least in Plan B, the BS doesn't have to see and live with the A in their face everyday.

If one must wait for an A to end, why not do it in the least painful way possible? (as well as protect your own love bank)

Or could it be that most just don't follow the plan A to the letter (thereby making it non effective)? Don't know.

...............................................................

Zizzy: I like your outlook that the OP is always feeling like the BS is #1, and therefore Always in some type of competition with us. Great way to look at it, mostly because it's true.
Just sometimes hard to keep that in mind, when you feel so bad.

MLM2: Agreed. Many times I have felt that the "plan" (if you will) of betray me, reject me, and lie to me (endlessly).........& THEN I will deal with ALL of the pain and also bear the burden of the majority of the work to fix this M........is definitely [censored] Backwards!

Dorban: Yes!

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Forgive me for getting all religious on you, but I think y'all miss the point of marriage. Marriage is not just a compact between me and him. We call God as our witness, and we make a promise with as much of our souls as we can muster. The promise is our commitment, our word.

Whether I am first choice, second choice, or tenth choice after that promise is made is sort of irrelevant. I am, as best as I am able, keeping my commitment, even if WH's brains have turned to jello. All my friends think I'm taking this way to an extreme -- and I probably am -- but better that than not taking it far enough. When we promise for better or for worse...well, we are being given a guided tour of "the worst."

My self-esteem is based on holding to my word -- not how WH feels about my butt.

PS. Dorban, have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

Thanks to all for replies. I gather this is normal to feel second best in some manner.

Hopeful - you are right I should focus on do I want the marriage or not. And hands down I do.
If WS wasn't so in fog, maybe I wouldn't feel so second-bested. Plan A actually appears to be doing okay, we are talking more and discussing more then we have in quit some time.

Zizzy - you make sense, I haven't the faintest idea what OW is feeling. I am very involved with WS family, especially now, as father is going through cancer treatment. I've no doubt WS tells OW he is seeing and taking care of business for his family and he leaves out the private time we are spending together. He is very dedicated to his family which is a plus, if this bothers the OW.

MLM - I see WS wanting both worlds presently. He shows an increasing interest in me (BS) but is still having A.

Believer - I can see that I am improving myself. I had let myself go, which might have very well been some of our problem. Not an excuse for A, but some of the lead into it.
And I am gaining confidence, suppose that is why I am wondering if I am second choice. I'm getting somewhat mad now and have not felt that way at all. So am afraid I'll do some LB'ing if I continue with this "I'm second best thing".
I will be a better person no matter how the marriage turns out.

Tummytuck - you are right his brains are somewhere else. That is so right.
Yeah, the meds thing is helping me sleep a full night. I am not taking the prescribed amount (just taking it at night) Sleep is good.
I hate medications and so hopefully this will only be temporary till I have control of my life.
Presently I'm letting WS have too much control.
Hope you are doing well. Would love to hear an update.

Dorban - wouldn't an ultimatum be way out of line for Plan A. When communication is supposed to be improved and you are trying to manuever or force something that someone isn't ready to decide on?

AMM, yes I have read most of surviving an affair. I agree with what has been said. I have also read Dr. Dobson "Love Must be Tough" which I recommend by the way. I do not feel that we should ever give up on our marriages. It is a promise, before God, until death do us part. However, I do feel that separation, if it is in an attempt to restore the marriage, can be viable option. If you are meeting some EN's and the OP is meeting some EN's then is there any reason to stop the A?

Dorban, My understanding (and I could be wrong) is that Plan A is usually going on while the WS is going back and forth, which is what makes Plan A so tough. Then, at some undefined point, you cut the cord. Enough is enough.

Yes, Plan B is wonderful, and restores sanity. Sometimes you have to let things play out.

I'm gonna start a new post on what comes to mind, in that . . . what is the deciding point to go to plan B?

I've no qualms that I accept that Plan A is hard and that WS seems to yo-yo. One moment we are talking wonderfully, more so then we have in many years. And I feel it is honest talk, and we have had intimate moments. Then in a course of 4 days his needs are required to be filled somewhere else.
I feel like my opinion of the WH being in a fog could be miscontrued as a man that knows full well that he has his cake and is eating it too.
He is prompt to correct me if I suggest that he is thinking divorce and yet he will not go to counseling.
I haven't a doubt he is hooked up with a gold digger but I'm not sure I have the patience to let her show her true colors and his coming out of the fog.
Someone get me straight on this. I'm just having a hard time watching his indecisiveness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is prompt to correct me if I suggest that he is thinking divorce ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is classic fog talk. His actions are leading to divorce, whether or not he chooses to use the word and deny the idea. My H wasn't at all thinking of divorce ... guess who eventually filed? Not me.

This is a relevant topic for me tonight. I guess you could say I had a meltdown with H tonight. Many triggers just let my stuff out. It has been 8 weeks of NC, and we actually have been acting very close to one another. Today I found an e-mail written 3 weeks ago in which he acknowledged he was in deep grief and withdrawal over OW, and referred to her as lover, not OW. So tonight I said , "If you look at her as your lover, then what the HE$$ am I? I WILL NOT go through the rest of this M as 2nd best. It ain't gonna happen."

I hate these As. In our case the A ended when I found out. However, it ended in the in-love stage. That really sucks. I told H I wish I would have dumped him in January and let him follow his bliss. Let him see know great their R would be if they were together openly. I know, that was an LB. All in all I have done a pretty darn good plan A. I didn't have to deal with the A still happening. But this all still sucks! I'm in a bad mood over As in general so I won't write anymore. I told H I don't want to be where I am now, married to a man who had an A. He basically said that my life isn't over, I just have to go forward. I told him that isn't the point. This is my life now because of his bad choices. Sorry for my rant! CV