I have only posted a few things on here. I have been affraid to say anything about ow to him because we agreed not to mention it as it (throw it up in his face). Last night he asked me if he was making me missrable and I said no you arent. We talked for awhile and finally I just told him,I said I am saying this then I will be done. The only thing that is bothering me is this. I know you have ended things with OW but I am afraid you will not tell me anything, like if she tries to contact you. (we had issues about him not telling me how he felt and stuff). I said, I think I have been very calm about all this, just found out 2 weeks ago, I feel as though I have a right to know if she tries to contact you. He said I took care of it, she hasnt tried and I doubt she will, so then I said well do you feel like you can tell me if she does.
He said that he would and that she hasnt , Now the thing is I want to believe that he will, cause if I cant trust him now ,I will never be able to. I feel as though he is telling me the truth cause the A was just letters and a few phone calls and I think maybe 1 meeting. I started noticing him acting different and it took me 2 weeks to find out what was up. Well the A only lasted 2 weeks, I know it couldnt have been longer because of certain things that I mentioned earlier in other posts.
So my question is this, how do I trust him? I truly believe in my heart that he is telling me the truth. Am I being stupid? He has never given me any reason not to trust him till now, and now I have to trust him if this is going to work. How do you all get through everyday without constantly thinking about it.I find it hard to even wash dishs without thinking about it. I cry everyday and worry constantly about it. I dont know how you do it. I feel like I am losing my mind. Any help you can give is needed, I just dont know what to do, I want to believe him with all my heart just dont know how to get it out of my head. I know it will take time but right now it is consuming my life.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The issue is that you don't trust him.

And why should you? I don't think 'not bringing it up' is such a healthy approach. This is a time for him to come completely clean. A time for him to start earning your trust by proving his his trustworthyness.

Some people can just forget about it and move on. Others can't. If you are one of the ones who can't, then you are asking for trouble down the road by trying. You need to deal with the issues involved here and open communication is an important part of this.

Are you following any of the MB principles? Emotional Needs questionaires, negotiation techniques, POJA, rules of care etc...?

dewt

dewt

I think I am fine with it, I feel better than I have in 2 weeks, as far as him coming clean he has, or maybe I should say I feel as though he has. We talked for about 15 hours straight when I first found out. and I asked him all kinds of questions and he gave me answers to the questions. But we agreed that we wouldnt talk about it, It was my suggestion to do so.
But after stumbling on to this website I started thinking about the no cantact thing and thought wonder if he will tell me if she tries to contact him? I truly trust that my husband has told her to leave him alone, but she knew he was married and that didnt stop her so why would him telling her to stop do anything? I just wanted to know if she contacted him would he tell me? I think he probably would but you know how that little voice in your head says ARE YOU CRAZY???
We have been married for 10 yrs and not once in those 10 yrs has he given me any reason not to believe him. I havent been perfect either.I didnt have an afair I talked to someone on the phone 2or3 times, there was no physical contact what so ever or for that matter any talk of physical contact on the phone just talking thats it. He trusted me when he found out and I think I should trust him .
When I first found out about him and ow I stayed calm and didnt scream cry shout or anything, I simply told him that if he wanted to leave I couldnt make him stay. He said he wanted to stay and that is when we had the 15 hour talk. I just want to know how you all try to push through thinking about it all the time. Thats all I seem to do. I dont know what else to do. he suggested going to marriage counceling, but I dont know if I want to go. I am seeing a therapist and it has helped me with some of my own issues and I think it is going to help our marriage as well.
I dont blame all of the stuff that has went on, on him. Cause I have alot of issues in my own mind I have to work through. Things that have caused me to treat him bad,talk down to him and treat him as though he was a child. I am just now learning that if you cant feel good about yourself how can you feel good about anyone else. Which is kinda funny that I am realizing this now , then he starts talking to another woman.
I think alot of what is wrong is that I have so much going on in my brain that I just dont know how to deal with anything. I am not saying he isnt to blame he had a choice and made the wrong one I am just saying I will take my half of the blame also. Anyway I have jumped way off topic I suppose. See this is how my brain seems to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I dont know if the crying which I already did before I found out about the ow is from the ow or from the issues that I had before the ow.

Angela, I don't think you know enough about the affair to be able to build trust. Nor is it helpful at all to not talk about it. You should talk about it with him and he needs to answer all your questions about it. You need to know when it started, why it started, everything. You don't know much about it at all. At this point, he and the OW still have secrets that you don't know.

He will have to work hard to rebuild trust. You shouldn't trust an untrustworthy person and you shouldn't trust him again until he proves himself. I would suggest talking about the affair with him and finding out all the details. I would then expect that he would open up his life to you, ie: cell phone passwords, etc. And be sure and do a little snooping on your own to make sure he is being honest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angeladawn:
<strong>I am not saying he isnt to blame he had a choice and made the wrong one I am just saying I will take my half of the blame also. Anyway I have jumped way off topic I suppose. See this is how my brain seems to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I dont know if the crying which I already did before I found out about the ow is from the ow or from the issues that I had before the ow. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Angela, you can't take any of the blame for the affair. He gets 100% of the blame for that. You get 50% of the blame for the condition of the marriage.

The reason you can't stop thinking about the affair is becasue it is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. It is devastating and this is why it not healthy to not talk about it. It will not go away by pretending it didn't happen. It will go away by discussing it and addressing the problems that led to the affair.

I think deep down I know all this but I am so scared of what the outcome will be. I am a very suspecious person to begin with now it has tripled on me. I feel like I have a right to look at his email and other stuff but I also feel like he deserves his on privacy. I am also scared that if I look at his email (i did have password ) that he will no I did and throw that up in my face so what is a person suppose to do?? I feel helpless
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What a great discussion. Thank you Angela for bringing this up. My W had an 8 year affair, and D-Day was April 21, last month. I told her that she had to end it, as in NOW! She never came back to me and said she did. I asked about 7 days later and all she said was she spoke to him and told him "it wasn't in my best interests to continue with the relationship".
My nature being what it is, I found it hard to believe after 8 years together she would make such a comment. Then, she told me, "it's over, I'm not telling you anything about it, so get over it..."
After spending hours on this site, I'll say, o.k., I'm partly to blame in that I didn't meet her emotional needs, but she is the one who chose to have an A. I was about 1 step from leaving (or making her leave), and I said no, I promised to love, honor, cherish and I'm going to see this through.
I now feel that she should be willing to help me "get over it" by being honest and upfront. She says nothing physical happened but won't explain the stained teddy's (that I've never seen)...
Yet, somehow, I'm having issues with not just the affair, but, I need to learn to trust again and the impasse is, if I can't believe what she's told me about the affair, how can I learn to trust again?
I've tried to share the concept of an honest relationship, but she doesn't see it that way.
As Melody says, she wants to pretend it didn't happen, and that isn't me. Maybe she can, but I can't.
So Angela, I sort of know what you're going through.
To those of you responding, thank you for your help and insight. You have no idea how great you all are!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angeladawn:
<strong> I think deep down I know all this but I am so scared of what the outcome will be. I am a very suspecious person to begin with now it has tripled on me. I feel like I have a right to look at his email and other stuff but I also feel like he deserves his on privacy. I am also scared that if I look at his email (i did have password ) that he will no I did and throw that up in my face so what is a person suppose to do?? I feel helpless
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Angela, no one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. I would install spy software on his computer so he doesn't know for now. You can get some at www.iopus.com.

Nor can you afford to be "scared" right now, you are trying to save your marriage, so you don't have that luxury. You must do what it takes.

What is your H doing to repair the damage he has caused to your marriage? I would ask him this question, Angela. You are making it way too easy for him and as a result are increasing the chances that this happens again.

If there are no consequences for his behavior, why wouldn't he do it again? You need to hold him accountable and STOP sweeping this under the rug for him.

Talk to him about your pain and address the problem so this doesn't happen again. Start snooping around to PROTECT yourself. Quit being a scared little girl.

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: cipher ]</small>

double post!

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

That is kind of the way I feel. For some reason I feel like the guilty one and I havent done anything. I am guilty for our marriage getting to this point. I am what you might say over jealous person. And to be honest he has always been very sweet and kind to me. So for the marriage getting to this point I probably should take more than half the blame cause I look back on it now and see how misreable he had to have been for at least the past 3 yrs. But as for the A I think he is holding something back, I dont know see with the type of person I am I always think the worst of people so I dont know what to do.

I just want a few answers I dont want to leave him I dont want him to leave me I just want the truth and I am to scared to ask for it. What do you do if you are to scared to ask for the truth I know I am going to have to do it cause I cant walk around with my mind racing more than it did before.

I am scared , I have alot of self issues I am trying to deal with. I have been seeing a therapist but this has knocked my self esteem back to where it was before. Actually it is worse than before cause now I think he just found someone else because of how I look and act. I am walking around with the guilt of having an afair without actually being the one that had the afair. I know if I dont do something it is going to build up and I will explode and that will make things alot worse.

JohnDoe, you don't have a chance in hell of recovering until you know the full truth. TRust will NEVER be restored as long as your W and the OM have secrets to which you are not privy.

Nor can you even begin to understand what CAUSED the affair so you help prevent a repeat in the future. Please don't let your S get away with sweeping it under the rug. Your marriage and your peace of mind depends on knowing EVERYTHING.

This is an outstanding article that addresses the honesty issue:

http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html

I was like you for a long time after D-day. After having complete trust, for so many years, it is hard to lose the trusting habit.

I thought that having confessed to the affair, that would somehow mean that there would be no more lies. I couldn’t see why he’d need to lie, now that it was all out in the open. Well 5 months on, I can’t believe I was so naïve.

Our D-day was in early November, 2003 and it didn’t even cross my mind to start snooping until he’d left me for the second time in January. Can you believe, I still felt guilty about doing it? Snooping can be the only way to find out the truth and it can also give you some peace in your heart when you find nothing.

Your husband no longer has any right to privacy. If nothing is wrong, then he will not need his privacy. If that is the case, then he will understand your need for reassurance.

Your agreement not to mention the OW is very dangerous. You need to know why this happened and how it happened. This knowledge will help you to come to terms with the A and work on the issues that led to it. If you stick your head in the sand now, nothing will have been resolved and you will have no protection from the event of it happening again.

Your husband has suggested MC, which is a very positive sign. It may be a cry for help. Please don’t pass it up. The fact that he is willing to do this, puts you in a very strong position. I think you should grab this opportunity with both hands.

Good luck to you both

That is kind of the way I feel. For some reason I feel like the guilty one and I havent done anything. I am guilty for our marriage getting to this point. I am what you might say over jealous person. And to be honest he has always been very sweet and kind to me. So for the marriage getting to this point I probably should take more than half the blame cause I look back on it now and see how misreable he had to have been for at least the past 3 yrs. But as for the A I think he is holding something back, I dont know see with the type of person I am I always think the worst of people so I dont know what to do.

I just want a few answers I dont want to leave him I dont want him to leave me I just want the truth and I am to scared to ask for it. What do you do if you are to scared to ask for the truth I know I am going to have to do it cause I cant walk around with my mind racing more than it did before.

I am scared , I have alot of self issues I am trying to deal with. I have been seeing a therapist but this has knocked my self esteem back to where it was before. Actually it is worse than before cause now I think he just found someone else because of how I look and act. I am walking around with the guilt of having an afair without actually being the one that had the afair. I know if I dont do something it is going to build up and I will explode and that will make things alot worse.

That is kind of the way I feel. For some reason I feel like the guilty one and I havent done anything. I am guilty for our marriage getting to this point. I am what you might say over jealous person. And to be honest he has always been very sweet and kind to me. So for the marriage getting to this point I probably should take more than half the blame cause I look back on it now and see how misreable he had to have been for at least the past 3 yrs. But as for the A I think he is holding something back, I dont know see with the type of person I am I always think the worst of people so I dont know what to do.

I just want a few answers I dont want to leave him I dont want him to leave me I just want the truth and I am to scared to ask for it. What do you do if you are to scared to ask for the truth I know I am going to have to do it cause I cant walk around with my mind racing more than it did before.

I am scared , I have alot of self issues I am trying to deal with. I have been seeing a therapist but this has knocked my self esteem back to where it was before. Actually it is worse than before cause now I think he just found someone else because of how I look and act. I am walking around with the guilt of having an afair without actually being the one that had the afair. I know if I dont do something it is going to build up and I will explode and that will make things alot worse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angeladawn:
<strong>
What do you do if you are to scared to ask for the truth I know I am going to have to do it cause I cant walk around with my mind racing more than it did before.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Angela, if you are scared to ask for the truth, then you put your fear aside and do what needs to be done. You can't afford to give into those feelings. You have a terrible situtation here and you simply DO NOT have the luxury to sit around being scared. You do what needs to be done.

Thank you Melody, a great link.

This is like an 800 pound Gorilla that only I see and am willing to acknowledge. I truly feel that until she admits, is honest about it, and expresses some sort of regret, that we won't get past it.

Thanks.