I’ve been reading through this site and the posts for about a month now and have a better understanding of some issues that I’m dealing with in my relationship. I’ve suggested to my boyfriend that we could benefit from following the concepts presented on this site. He has read The Policy of Radical Honesty, although he has yet to disclose anything, everything I know is by accident or (more recently) because I checked the history on his computer. I would appreciate some feedback/comments (especially a male perspective) on the following situation.
My boyfriend tells me he loves me every day, is accountable for his time, is very affectionate and claims he is satisfied with our relationship and would like to marry me. We met on an internet dating site over a year ago. A while back I saw links on his computer to these same sites and when I asked him about it he said he wasn’t active and wouldn’t look anymore. (He also looks at internet porn sites but that’s a different issue) Recently I discovered that although he doesn’t have a profile of his own, he has saved and actively searches for profiles of other women. I asked him “Why would a man, happy in love in a committed relationship have any interest in the internet dating sites?” He didn’t have an answer. I told him I have a problem with his internet activities, that it hurt my feelings and created distrust on my part. He continues to do this behind my back, even deleting computer links so now if I check he thinks I won’t know. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here? Or is this a red flag and I’m just too blinded by my love for him to see it? Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this, it seems a bit trivial compared to what many of you are experiencing but this bothers me a lot.

Hi NMY,

Welcome to MB.

In my opinion,I would see what your BF is doing as a red flag.As you mentioned,someone that loves you and wants to marry you should not be surfing these types of sites unless it is a problem beforehand.It is something to definitely address before walking down the aisle.

Have you considered seeing a counselor? You also met on an internet dating site too so I am wondering just how committed he is to you if he is still looking around.

Well,I would continue to keep the dialogue open with your BF and don't think that getting married is going to solve this problem.If he is being sneaky,continues looking at porn and doesn't have specific anwers for you regarding your feelings and questions,it's time to reconsider the relationship.I am not saying dump him but just be cautious here.

You could also try getting some advice on a few of the other boards here at the top.

O