I am going to try to be brief. I wish I had discovered this place much earlier. I had a wonderful and kind husband who did everything for me and offered me more support than anyone else had inmy life. He worked very hard to provide for us. The problem is that I met a person who told me the "right things" and I fell for it. Yes, I was unfaithful and my husband discovered it.

After months of suffering, crying, and a lot of pain that he was going through, I thought he was recovering. He told me last week that he cannot continue because he does not trust me anymore and feels I hurt him too much. I tried to tell him I love him very much, but he does not believe it. On Monday I was served divorce papers. What can I do now? Does anyone have a similar experience that turned out well? I do not want to lose him and make my son lose his father.

Please, I need help.

Hello,

I find your story so very sad. Some people never realize what they have until they have lost it. Other people are self-destructive in a relationship for the love of the drama invovled. There must have been some problems in your marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair. I have always believed if people would just think before they do something they are unsure of and ask themselves how would I feel if my spouse was thinking of doing to me what I am thinking of doing to them; many of these situations would not arise. What did you think would happen to your marriage when you entered into an affair? Why were you willing to risk your marriage and the relationship with a husband that was so wonderful to you? I do not condone this but I understand when a person is being emotionally or physically abused by a spouse how vulnerable they can become to entering an affair. When people say they have a wonderful life and a wonderful spouse; I have to wonder why they would engage in such self-destructiveness and disrespect to the marriage and the spouse?

You asked what is to be done? Some men simply cannot forgive. Was your affair a long time affair? Did you put your husband at risk by unprotective sex? I think a big problem was that you did not confess and he had to catch you. I am sure he is thinking if you had not been caught you simply would have continued lying to him and cheating on him. When you tell him you love him I am sure he asking himself why should he believe this since actions speak louder than words.

I would try to get into marriage counseling immediately. I am wondering if you did this? Remember his self image as a man and a spouse has been destroyed. I am sure he plays images of you with the OM in his head. He wonders if sexually he failed you and so forth.
It is up to you to convince him otherwise and that the person you were is not who you are today. You need to convince him that you do not want him merely to stay as a paycheck but that you truly love and respect him.
If the roles were reversed, what would you want him to do for you to convince you he was really since about loving him and wanting to be with you and showing true remorse. I wish you luck.

Wow! What were you thinking? If you had a good husband, why did you not think before you acted so selfishly? Was he abusive to you? Did he do anything that hurt you?

I believe Bryanap has given you a very insightful view. There are lessons in life that hurt. This may be one hard lesson for you. You may try to understand your husband and show total honesty to him, if he lets you. It sounds as if he has given up. Believe me, he has gone through hell and back emotionally and you do not know what he has had to deal with. What you must do is to show that you care and stop acting selfish. Your post sounds as if you are still thinking only about yourself.

Good luck

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

I am so sorry,

I am sorry you and your husband are hurting. I pray that you and your husband find a way to repair your marriage.

You cannot make anyone do anything but you have absolute control over what you do. If you want to save your marriage then you are going to have to fight for it.

Please seek professional advice.

--

My wife had an A a few months ago and now we are going through a divorce (her choice).

I had all the feelings your H has/had. So I understand his frustration. However, mistakes happen and what defines you and your husband is how you deal with those mistakes.

I am just like your H. I love my WS, I love my children. I work very hard to provide for them. The last thing I want to do is divorce. What helped me through the emotions was counseling, both with her and also just by myself. It is expensive, but saving the marriage is priceless.

Read Harley's book about surviving an affair. There is a section in it about ending the affair. Please do what it says. Give this book to your H and ask him to read it.

Despite what has happened in your marriage it is worth saving. It will be hard and painful for both of you, just be patient and please don't make any decisions based on emotion, they are the wrong decesions.

"On Monday I was served divorce papers. What can I do now? Does anyone have a similar experience that turned out well? "

The only poster that comes to mind right now is

hopeful_person

She and her BH were divorced before she came to her senses and finally realized what a great man her XH is. She dumped the loser OM and wanted desperately to reunite with her now gun-shy XH.

She posted on GQII for a very long time and we sort-of held her hand while she ever so slowly coaxed her XH back into dating her again.

She last posted an update about a month ago.

If you do a search on her posts, you may find inspiration.

Good luck.

Pep

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Oh... and I just remembered another WW who came within 5 minutes of her divorce... and they are now happily reconciled..

hope4future

Look for her here on GQII.

Pep

Well, it was more like 2 weeks - but was definatly a close call.

It sounds like your husband is still very much in the shock of discovery. It's unfortunate he couldn't have given this some more time before jumping forward with filing for divorce. Men are action oriented. He can't stand the pain and thinks he has to DO something about it. He thinks that divorcing will get rid of the pain. It won't. That's like cutting off the whole foot to make a stubbed toe stop hurting. You don't need to cut off the foot - just give the toe time to heal, and then learn a new way to walk! Divorces can be put on hold, however!

You said it's been a few months - are you seperated? What have the two of you done to try to work through this? Have you read about Plan A?

What have you done since you got the papers? Have the two of you had any talks?

How are you doing? Are you still around? Have you read the Love Busters book? Is your H guilty of any of those and that caused you to look elsewhere?

My advice is simple. Understand the pain that has been caused by this affair. Take him by the hands, tell him you love him (only if you truly mean it), that you are sorry for what you did (take responsbility), tell him you will answer any and all questions he may have, and do so! Do not try and hide behind the "it's over". Because you were a part of the affair, you know what it was, he can only think about what it was. If it was an emotional affair, and/or a physical affair, he needs to know that you accept responsibility for your actions and that you will do anythng and everything to keep him as your husband. It won't be like you never had an affair, nothing can change that, but, you have to help him put this behind both of you. Be open and honest about everything you do, places you go, people you talk to from this day onward.
And give him time to come to grip's with it.

I hope and pray for both of you.

Thanks to everyone for the valuable suggestions. I had not been close to a computer until today. I thank Pepperband for the encouragement and for giving me that reference.

As some pointed out, I failed to see the unique husband I had until I realized I was about to lose him. I feel I have been very ungrateful and stubborn. My temperament is not the easiest to control or understand, but he has been able to stand by me in spite of my shortcomings.

I do not know if he will give me a chance to show him I want to change and that I am truly sorry. Since the affair, he changed a lot. He became more quiet and withdrawn. I felt he avoided me and did not want to say anything. Both of us have been more irritable and had arguments over petty stuff. I wish I knew how to control my own anger. It is not him that I am angry about.

I have accepted my responsibility and want to be honest with him, but I am afraid that the details would make him angrier. I do not know what to do. I understand that I have to show honesty, but what if it backfires?

We are still under the same roof, but that will soon change. He is looking.

Thanks all for your encouragement and prayers.

"Dance of Anger" by Harriet Carter. Really good book to help you with the guilt, resentment, and anger.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me last week that he cannot continue because he does not trust me anymore and feels I hurt him too much. I tried to tell him I love him very much, but he does not believe it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is right to not trust you. You have proven yourself to be untrustworthy in the extreme. As you have discovered, your words do not help. That, too, is understandable - you lied to him before, why should he believe you when you tell him you love him now?

What will speak to him are your actions.
Did you write a no contact (NC) letter, ask for your H's input, and allow him to mail it to OM and OM's W?
Have you ensured that you are an open book to your H? Does he have access to all financial records, all voice mail and email passwords?
Have you installed spyware on your computer and set it up so the reports are mailed to him?
Have you asked him to install a voice activated tape recorder in your home so all phone calls can be monitored?
Likewise have you put a voice activated recorder in your car?
Does he have access to your cell phone records?
Have you asked your H to go to counseling with you?
Have you asked your H to read any books with you?
Have you put a GPS device in the car so he can track where you are?
Have you given him the name of a co-worker he can call to get reports that you are or aren't adhering to NC?
And on and on and on.

ASK your H what frightens him, and take extraordinary precautions to alleviate his fears. Be proactive. YOU made this mess and YOU should be the one who is relentless in getting it cleaned up. This will speak volumes to your H.

If you wait for him to take the initiative, he sees that you are only going along with whatever he insists, to placate him. He'll figure you're just biding your time until you can be up to your old tricks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that I have to show honesty, but what if it backfires?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honesty cannot backfire. I cannot emphasize this enough. The ONE thing you need to be focusing on right now is earning your H's trust. The ONLY way you earn trust is by being honest.

My H tried to "protect me" from further hurts by omitting information and failing to tell me when OW phoned or emailed. All that did was convince me that they were still hiding things and that he was untrustworthy. PLEASE BE HONEST.

Now, there are some things your H may or may not need to know. He needs to know that conversation is your #1 EN (for example). You DO need to tell him that, and that you and OM talked for hours about ... whatever. Your H probably won't benefit from knowing exactly the words OM used. BUT... your H is the judge of that, not you!

Your H needs to know that you would like more variety in your sex life (for example). He doesn't necessarily need to know that you did it with OM hanging from a trapeze BUT again that is up to your H, not you.

Whenever your H asks you a question, answer it completely and honestly. If it's something you think might make "movies" in his head that will haunt him, and if you think there is no good that can come of your H hearing the answer to the question, you might say "This is going to be painful for you to hear. Are you sure you want to hear the answer?" and if he says yes, then answer him.

The WORST thing you can do now is lie or withhold information.

Sorry - Unless your H has immersed himself in learning about infidelity and how marriages can recover from it, he may not think he has any option other than divorce.

I and any of the other guys on this forum would gladly offer our assistance to him. He's luckier than he thinks in that you've changed course and are very likely to heal as a person - unlike the women who defiantly proceed to wreck their and other families.

I suggest you print out this post and offer it to him.

To Mr. Sorry - yes, it sucks what you are experiencing, but it doesn't have to be the end. Many, many, many marriages recover from affairs and end up far better than before.

Your wife seems willing to give her best shot at recovering your marriage. What have you got to lose but a few months of trying? This could be the best decision of your life.

Visit this forum and write to me specifically. I'll help you.

Sorry,
If you want him back, fight for him. Don't give in and delay the D as much as possible. Your words mean nothing to him. Only your actions will matter. It may take a long time, just don't give up. Keep reaching out even when he rejects you. You will have to prove your love and earn back his trust. This is not easy and you have to be committed for the long term. If you give up now, there will be no one fighting for the M. There are many great stories of people who persevere through extremly difficult circumstances. Stall, delay, whatever, but don't give up without a fight.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

IASS,

You said a few things I thought I would comment on. You have received some very good advice and I hope you consider it carefully.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As some pointed out, I failed to see the unique husband I had until I realized I was about to lose him. I feel I have been very ungrateful and stubborn.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The odds are high that if YOU feel this about your behavior, your H REALLY feels this way. So why would he want to stay given the betrayal???

Read about Plan A and see if you can give him a reason to stay: the changes you decide to make in YOURSELF.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My temperament is not the easiest to control or understand, but he has been able to stand by me in spite of my shortcomings.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So one could speculate that being married to you has NOT been much fun for him, and then you betray him. You realize that YOU control your temperament, you give yourself permission to act the way you do, and you realize it is NOT pleasant for people around you. So the major question you need to consider is whether YOUR choices of behavior (I am not talking about the A) need to be changed. If they do, then NOW would be a really good time to change them.

IASS, the worth of a man or an H should NOT be about how much he will put up with. If you want him back because he has put up with you, then you want him back for the wrong reason. I suspect he feels that is why you want him NOW, but not as a lover. Please think about this.

One of the biggest things that needs to occur to rebuild a marriage is a change in PERSPECTIVE, not the people themselves but their perspective on their spouse, their marriage, their family, etc. I would strongly urge you to reflect on your perspective and see if you can look at things from his. If you learn to do this, then you have a chance of rebuilding the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not know if he will give me a chance to show him I want to change and that I am truly sorry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IASS, if you want to change...do it! Don't try to convince him you WANT to change, show you will and are changing. Your words will mean little only your actions will be able to speak for you now.

I am glad you are sorry, your H is probably glad you are sorry, it means you have a conscience, but being sorry does NOT change a thing, and as I said only actions will speak of your willingness to act on the sorrow you have brought.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since the affair, he changed a lot. He became more quiet and withdrawn. I felt he avoided me and did not want to say anything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure he has withdrawn. It is normal particularly if you are hard to get along with normally. He doesn't need the added aggrevation of arguements with someone who betrayed him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Both of us have been more irritable and had arguments over petty stuff. I wish I knew how to control my own anger. It is not him that I am angry about.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please, please read the articles on Love busters, LB's. You need to end those RIGHT NOW. You do know how to control your anger, quit defending yourself, quit shifting blame, admit you have failed miserably and then act like you would like to succeed at this marriage. You may not be angry at him, but he will and probably does feel you are. He feels you are defending the indefensible.

Go run, work out, move away when you feel the anger coming. Also consider that anger is a secondary emotion. It is driven by primary ones such as fear, pain, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have accepted my responsibility and want to be honest with him, but I am afraid that the details would make him angrier. I do not know what to do. I understand that I have to show honesty, but what if it backfires?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Backfires?? YOu mean that he might be hurt, or angry if you are honest with him? That IASS is NOT backfiring, it is a normal response to painful things, but things he needs to know nevertheless. If he wants the details remind him that they may hurt, but if he says he wants them anyway then give them to him.

Also you might want to consider your behavior with him and address the fact that it might NOT seem as if you have accepted responsibility. Frankly, from what you have said I suspect he feels you have not.

So let's see:

1. You are arguing with him.
2. You have NOT told him the details.
3. You have NOT changed your behavior or perspectives much.
5. You say you will change.
4. You say you love him.

Just which of those statements do you think he does not believe???

IASS, let me address the issue of trust for you. Trust is really nothing more than the ability to predict future behavior under any and all conditions. You right now are unpredictable to him, hence he cannot trust you. Further, you have proven to be dangerous to him and his inner most feelings. You seem more interested in arguing than dealing with the pain inside him.

So what is the predicted behavior:

1. She will be angry at me and others.
2. She will not tell me the truth of the affair.
3. She will not address the things that make her hard to deal with.
4. She will betray me with any man that says the "right things".
5. Whatever I am or have done, she does NOT value.

IASS, your ACTIONS not your words need to refute those statements, or there will be no trust or marriage. It really comes down to that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are still under the same roof, but that will soon change. He is looking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you continue to be under the same roof, but even if he leaves, you need to address YOUR behavior and your actions. You have a window of opportunity here, read up on this site. Read Surviving an Affair by Harley, and if you have time consider reading His Needs Her Needs. Meeting your H's needs is a way to refill his love bank.


Please consider what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

IASS,

You have already been given very useful advice. Think about all that you are being told and act on it. You said you are not angry at him, so what are you angry about?

Anger is one of the love busters in Harleys' book. It is not fun or easy to around an angry person or someone who gets angry when you least expect it. Get help to learn to control it.

Are you really sorry? Why did chose to act in that manner, if he is as you say "a good husband"? Is he not a good lover and instead of talking and showing him what you wanted, you chose to experiment outside? That is shows lack of honesty.

As far as the details, he must know you are holding back and it is up to you to show that you intend to be 100% honest. He may get angry, but you should expect that. Are your arguments because you are overly defensive? One suggestion is to listen calmly and do not let your emotions take a hold of you. I guess several have already said, your actions speak more than your words.

If he still in the home, you have a chance to be a friend and then who knows?? Remember that sometime ago before you married you were friends and as husband and wife you should have been best friends. Your anger probably did a job on that as it would on any friendship.

Best of luck!

I am so thankful for all the very good advice. I am holding on and your words have really helped. Instead of responding to each of you, I will summarize. I thank the suggestion of the book on anger. I agree that I need to be honest and let him ask, but I hesitate to tell him details that he does not ask for because they may hurt more. As several of you said, it is his decision and I will wait for him to ask.

Regarding my anger, I know that I was not fun to be with and at times I got so furious for things I should not. I want to learn how to control that, but I agree that he may have withdrawn at times because I may have seemed hostile. I think it is in my genes since my parents are like me. They have always been in a ring, fighting.

A part of me tells me to fight for him and try to gain him back, and another part tells me to let him go and let him find true happiness. I do not want to be the selfish, inconsiderate person I have been. I really do not know why he has stayed with me this long.

To answer one of the questions, he is not only a good husband, he is a perfect husband. He is kind, loving, honest, faithful, without bad habits, calm, smart, attractive. Please, do not give me a 2x4. I know I deserve it. I just did not apreciate that.

THAT IS EVERYTHING THAT MY BOYFRIEND IS. I DID THE SAME THING YOU DID AND STILL HAVE NOT HAD THE COURAGE TO TELL HIM YET FOR FEAR OF HURTING HIM. I WANT TO KNOW WHY I DID IT WHEN I AM SO HAPPY WITH HIM TOTALLY PHYSICALL EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRTUALLY WITH A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOTRIST BEFORE TELLING HIM THE TRUTH. MAYBE YOU WANT TO READ SOME OF MY MESSAGES AND WE CAN CHAT SOME.

IASS,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am so thankful for all the very good advice. I am holding on and your words have really helped. Instead of responding to each of you, I will summarize. I thank the suggestion of the book on anger. I agree that I need to be honest and let him ask, but I hesitate to tell him details that he does not ask for because they may hurt more. As several of you said, it is his decision and I will wait for him to ask.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he asks give him what he asks for. However, there is a good chance that he is now in full withdrawal and has given up, so he won't ask because at this point he does NOT want to care. You need to change that, but it will take work on your part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regarding my anger, I know that I was not fun to be with and at times I got so furious for things I should not.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So if you know and knew this why did you do it? Was it because you could and get away with it? You also knew that having an affair was bad but you did that as well. Are you seeing why he is giving up? YOu have given him NO reason to stay. You hurt him , when you knew you were hurting him, and you have done nothing to protect him from your abusive behavior and nature. Now he has gotten a backbone and is leaving and Now you want him.

IASS, you most stop and be very very clear on what you want from him, and why you want to be married to him or any man for that matter. This all starts with what is inside you, if it is purely evil, then you need serious counseling. If it is just pure self-indulgence, then you need to change it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to learn how to control that, but I agree that he may have withdrawn at times because I may have seemed hostile.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All I have to say to that is "Duh! you think?" Of course he withdrew because of your hostility. YOu admitted that you not only seemed hostile you WERE hostile, and you compounded it by having an A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it is in my genes since my parents are like me. They have always been in a ring, fighting.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it is habit and training, not genes. You can control how you act and react. It takes practice, it takes a conscious effort on your part to change your behaviors and methods of response. But, you can change this, it is NOT genes and it is simply you mimicing your parents. Find someone else to be a role model, perhaps consider how your H responds to things and use him as your model. This is all YOUR decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A part of me tells me to fight for him and try to gain him back, and another part tells me to let him go and let him find true happiness. I do not want to be the selfish, inconsiderate person I have been. I really do not know why he has stayed with me this long.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know why he has either, but that is because I don't know you two. Perhaps he felt marriage was forever, but if he is religious, your affair gave him the reason to leave. It is clear dealing with you was NOT something he enjoyed and then to be slapped in the face with an A was probably more than he could handle.

My advice is fight for your marriage. Make the changes in your behavior, learn why you did what you did, learn to see things from his point of view (empathy, something you seem to have little of right now). IASS, if you learn these things, and make the changes you might well save your marriage, but I know this, if you don't save this marriage it is very likely to save your next marriage.

So go for it, and work on yourself, talk with your H, practice on him your new behaviors and insights, do your best to be the person YOU would be proud of, and give him credit for trying to be the H you needed even though he was NOT the H you wanted, respect, loved, or cherished. That is the first thing you need to admit. No matter what you say, your actions clearly rejected him on every level. You can stop the rejection by stopping the actions.

You have not mentioned if you have children or not, if you do, that is all the more reason to fight for your marriage, and for a marriage free of the fighting and yelling you grew up with.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

To answer one of the questions, he is not only a good husband, he is a perfect husband. He is kind, loving, honest, faithful, without bad habits, calm, smart, attractive. Please, do not give me a 2x4. I know I deserve it. I just did not apreciate that. [/quote]