I dont really post to often anymore because I have not been strong enough to do what everyone here has told has to be done, but I do read these boards daily and try to learn from everyone.

Hopefully I will get some responses because now I am strong enough to do what has to be done. But with that said I have many questions and WH and I are going to have a "talk" in the next couple of days.

First off, you can probably get an idea about my situation from my sig line. The main reaseon we have not seperated is because of finances. Well we are slowly getting that in order and it looks as though the bankruptcy will be confirmed. Secondly, WH is no longer involved with OW1 but is involved with OW2. I have dealt with 2OW since about September 2003. Dont know how I am standing..but anyway finances were so grave we were about to lose everything. Basically I felt trapped and paralyzed by the situation.

I have Plan'd A, tried to avoid LB's the best I can and tried to be a good listener. But all is becoming extremely hard. I know this has gone on entirely too long.

Basically my questions are about how to handle this seperation, we are a blended family and there are 5 kids involved. We also have our own business which we have been working side by side the past 3 months to save. Luckily that has been working business is good.

I have delivered a Plan B letter to my WH already. He believes I am acting like a child. I have asked him to leave and he as agreed, BUT I dont know what he thinks this seperation will be like. What I have gotten from him so far is that basically he will be here just like he is now except for overnight. We have his children every other weekend and for half the summer. I love these children like my own and have been apart of their lives for 6years. He thinks that he and the kids will come here just like normal. I guess lets play family for this time then he leaves again. I am very concerned about this. My main concern is our two little ones together. What kind of message will that send to them??? I guess I am asking advice on how to loving explain myself and to set boundaries. I leave it at that for now and I will get into more details as responses come in.

Thank you,,


Lisa

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: Lisa0705 ]</small>

I will begin by stating the obvious... be careful that the children are not punished their parent's mistakes, and also be especially careful that they don't become weapons that you and WH use against each other.

About the little ones, they are young enough that they will likely adapt to the situation rather quickly. If they ask questions, answer simply and honestly, but I don't believe there is any reason to sit them down beforehand and try to explain the whole situation, the why's and the wherefores. The situation will become stressful for them and they will deal with the stress they way children their age do. An increase in temper tantrums, some seemingly over nothing, being more needy and clingy, and trouble sleeping, are all things I saw in my own children.

Not much there to help you, but maybe help you know better what to expect in the near future. Like you my children with WS are 4 and 2 and so I'm trying to learn about how parental separation will affect young children. I've purchased several books and if I find any wisdom in them I will be sure to share.

I'm not sure I've helped you out at all here, do you have more specific questions?

Cello,

Thank you for your response. Yes I agree the children should not be used as weapons. I guess more specifically I am asking if this seems fair for him to ask to have his children here as if nothing was wrong. Please dont get me wrong, I would never do anything to hurt those kids like I said I truely love them as my own and often wished they were mine and WH's. They are here right now and are talking about their upcoming summer time with us and they are excited.

See, I feel if I allow him to do this basically nothing will change..I will see just about as much as I do now except he wont be sleeping here at night (only when his kids arent here). Well something would change..we would be incurring more debt for the place he would be sharing with his friend. More debt is the last thing we need right now.

I also have some questions about some of the things WH has said to me the past couple of days but I will get into that later.

Thanks

Lisa

Lisa,

I am going to give it a shot here.....
If you are going to seperate then LET HIM FEEL THE SEPERATION!

You ARE NOT punishing ANYONE~~~HE IS by continueing to betray his marriage!

Let OW take care of and experience H's children!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This might well be a GREAT EYE OPENER for H!!!!

Just explain what you said here....a seperation is just what it is a seperation......let him feel it!!!


Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Atruheart,

That is exactly how I feel. This has gone far far toolong and something has to give. I just need to totally remove myself from his drama for a while for my sanity and for the sake of my children. I guess I just need to some advice on how to loving explain this to a WH who is agitated, angry, irritable and depressed all the time.

Lisa

{{{{{{{{{{{{BUMP}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lisa,

I would say it just like you did right here!
You need space......away from him right now.

Let him know that you have been very patient and that you now need to focus on you and your needs!

Tell him the specifics of how this seperation is going to work, like visitation with the kids....
Have a 3rd party be there when he visits or have meets him somewhere to p/u your two youngest.

As far as the other kids....you can still have contact with them! Call and make your arrangements with their mom! But DON'T be an every other weekend FAMILY....not fair to the kids anymore than it is to you!

Besides, kids are smart! they are going to know your seperated and wonder "what the heck is this?
" Be a strong example for them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seems to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He would like to play the one big happy family gig, and have OW too. I think it is time for you to take care of you.

I would be very friendly with your step kids and do things with them to enjoy the summer. But let WH know in a nice way, that you need some space from the situation.

I would tell him that you love him, but it is just not working for you - knowing that he has someone else. Let him face the consequences of his decisions, don't make it easy for him.

Atreheart and Believer,

Thanks for your responses. I agree full heartedley and just need to be able to compose myself while I explain that to WH. Composure has been difficult of late. i have some more questions about things WH has said.

WH has maintained from D-Day that this was not about any OWomen, but about us. He feels as though I am pointing my finger at anyone else except myself for our situation. I have expressed that I know the OWomen are not the problem. All I seem to hear out of WH mouth these days are things like:

"I cant make you happy",
"I dont want you and anyone to have feelings for me"
"I dont want any relationships",
"I cant give you anymore than what I am right now"
"It would take to much work to fix this and I just dont have it in me"
"Dont know what you think I say to OW2 but she has no expectations and your crazy if you think I would say stuff like that anyway"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Of course I dont roll my eyes at him..but I do think I should start to tape record him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well anyway does anyone have any thoughts on these statements and maybe how I should be responding.

Thanks

Lisa

My answers would be:

H:I can't make you happy.

You: You are right sweetie. My happiness has to come from within.

H: I don't want you or anyone to have feelings for me.

You: I love you H, and can't change that.

H: I don't want any relationships.

You: I wish you did, but I can't hold you against your will.

H: I can't give you anymore than I am right now.

You: I understand, you are just worn out.

H: It would take too much work...........

You: I know, it seems like a lot of work. I am willing to do that work, but I cannot speak for you.

H: Don't know what you think I say to OW.

You: (Smile on this one) That is between you and OW. Sweetie, let's not argue anymore. I don't want us to hurt each other anymore.

Lisa...
have just finished reading your posts....I can soooo much identify with you. My H and I are in great financial distress...he even says some of these very SAME THINGS to me. But.....I do not have the admission of another woman...altho I am pretty sure there is one lurking somewhere. He has said:
H: It's not you...it's me. I just can't feel anything right now.
H: Well...if we don't stay together, I know I will never get married again....
H: I just think that I have done too much to hurt you and our marriage, and that YOU will not be able to get over it.
H: It will take so much work to fix this...and I am not sure if WE can do it.
H: You make me feel lower than dirt when you don't believe what I say...( and this after he has lied about everything from the bills to his whereabouts)

It is the same in so many of the stories here...I guess what differs..is how we ( the BS ) handle it. I have learned alot from reading these posts, altho I am relatively new to them. It is a good place to come because we all can relate and give some advice, or just listen to your pain...and be there to share the joys when things are beter.
Take heart in knowing that you are not alone and that we can learn from the experiences of others.
And above all, I think, try, try, try to remember that it is not you who has done anything to make the WS do what they do, or say. It is a choice they make...and you have choices too. Stay strong, and give yourself some credit for the good things you do everyday.
Justinie

Believer,

Those responses are great..I am memorizing for future use.

Justinie,

Thank you for your response. I think we may be married to the same person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hear the EXACT things from WH. Please take care of yourself..this just plain stinks. My WH and I have been through so much in our lives seperately and together..that this just aint fair.

Honestly the only reason he has been living here is because of the finances. As you can see from sig line it has been dire for about 1 1/2 years. Still not out of the woods yet but WH and I are trying our darnest.

Yes this is a good place to come to...everybodys story is different but in the same respect so similiar. Stay strong.


Lisa

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BUMP}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}