Ok, I know I am setting myself up here for some bashing, but please hear me out.

Gosh, to try to make a long story short...

11 months ago I left my H of 13 years. Many reasons...mainly I was unhappy, miserable, and tired. H never worked, he was abusive, and he had many A's throughout our M. 2 days after I left I found out about OW. I tried for 3 months to get him back, to try to reconcile. Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow.

But then I met OM. Actually I had known him for a few months, but never thought much about him. He was married, and that meant he was off limits. I couldn't even begin to think of doing to someone what I've been through. But then OM's W kicked him out. It wasn't long and we were seeing each other. We fell deeply in love. We both knew it was wrong, but it felt so right. OM had a more difficult time with it than I. Once his W found out about me, she wanted him back. (Boy does that sound familiar?) He went back, then left again to be with me, then went back again, and once more came back to me. Finally, she threatened him and blackmailed him into coming back. (I won't go into details.) He went back again. That was 7 months ago.

During the time we were together, OM asked me to marry him when our D's were final. We applied for an apartment, and went shopping for furniture. In every way possible, we were perfect for each other. He is my soul mate. And he said the same about me. The day he went back to her, he was crying and told me, "just know I love you very much, and I believe we were created just for each other."

We talked for a couple weeks after he went back to her. He told me he was miserable. He told me his heart ached for me. Then, they moved, and I haven't heard from him since.

It was hard, it still is. But, he has made his choice, no matter what the reason for it is. I have not tried to contact him. I won't do that, she is his wife and I have to respect that. I am not trying to sound noble or anything, because I am far from that. In fact, my heart screams for him.

I have had 7 months to think about what I did and why I did it. I have rationalized it from every point of view. Such as, we were both on the rebound, I was emotionally bruised and looking for a self esteem booster, it was revenge for what my H did. But none of that really fits. Sure on the outside looking in, people may think that's what it was. But my heart tells me otherwise.

I am a Christian and I know what I did was wrong in the eyes of my Lord. And only I have to answer for it, and only to Him. I have prayed for forgiveness, but I fear it won't come, because to be brutally honest, I am not sorry for it. I am sorry it caused his W pain. I know that pain. But I am not sorry I fell in love with him. It was the most beautiful, the most precious gift I have ever been given. And I am forever grateful for having known such pure and true love and friendship and companionship even for such a short time.

The weird thing is, my H and I have been talking about getting back together. I love my H. But it is not the same. I am not in love with him. I know that may sound like a cliche, but it is true. The thing is, my H is still living with OW. And I am still in love with OM, even though he is not here. Kinda sick, huh? And when I think about that, I think...what kind of screwed up person am I????

But when I push everything aside, and bare it all, and expose the truth that lies within my heart...what I find there is this...I don't want to be with my H. I want the once in a life time love I had with OM....I want OM! And I hate myself for it because he is a M man.

It's been almost a year since I left my H of 13 years. I stopped crying for him a long time ago. It's been 7 months since OM left, and I spent 2 months with him. I still cry for him. I think I always will.

So....the bashing may begin, but please, while you are telling me what a bad person I am, what a screwed up person I am, please remember to tell me how to MAKE my heart stop feeling the way it feels. My brain hasn't been able to tell my heart, maybe you can.

After rereading what I just posted, I felt I had to amend something I wrote. I said that when I first met OM, I didn't think much about him because he was M. That is not true. I felt an instant attraction to him, and wished with all my heart that he wasn't M, and honestly hoped that something would happen to his M. (Another thing I feel guilty and sorry about.) I will say I never acted on it. We barely spoke to each other or saw each other. But he also said the same about me...that he couldn't stop thinking about me from the first time we met. It was the same for me.

Just thought I should add that, since I am being totally honest with you and with myself.

Hey Trinity!!

Im usually pretty sympathetic towards all W/S and B/S's but your story is amazingly rediculous!...sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

You actually say this:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's been 7 months since OM left, and I spent 2 months with him. I still cry for him. I think I always will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TWO whole months huh??? and he's your soul-mate and love of your life? go find a good I/C ....or your future relationships may be just as dillusional too!

Atru

I'm not going to bash you for being the ow, but I wish people would stop and think about the consequence of getting involved with a married person. I'm not the ow but I am the bs. I wish I could tell you how to make your heart stop feeling the way it does because then I could make mine stop. Mine has been feeling this way for over 4 years. You said his wife kicked him out. My husband told ow we were getting a divorce. We NEVER talked about getting a divorce. I just wish people would stop and think before getting into these situations, way too many people have to suffer needlessly because of thoughtless decisions.

I forgot to ask you.....

How old are you?? and do you have children???

And also....your title leaft out something ...You are also a WW along with a BW and a OW! (now isn't that something to be proud of?) LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Atruheart

This is how you make your heart stop feeling for MM...go out have fun...meet new friends and live again.

Have a battle cry...something like...i dont want MM anymore...he is a creep...he is a liar...he used me...etc etc

Make sure no more contact with MM.

Stop thinking that he is the greatest man in the world because he is not. He used you...then DUMP YOU...he never truly loves you. He loves his wife MORE than you. So WHY SHOULD YOU go on loving him that way because he does not love you at all.

You MM has betrayed you.

Maybe that is why you are feeling so bad now because your WH betrayed and now MM betrayed you.

You have to get out of this limbo by applying the plan B technic which are...get out and start living again. Go fishing...go dancing...go to parties...go out with friends...whenever the thoughts start coming...you do something so you dont have to think about it.

Hope the best for you.

Hi there,
If you are a Christian then you know what you did was wrong. God loves you. Just dont make the same mistake again..

something to think about... (if I understand your story) you left your H for OM, OM left his wife for you.. then he turned around and left you...... do I see a pattern here... if he left her than he would leave you and the next and the next...

To you and your H

-You said there was abuse? did you guys get help with that?

-You also said that you loved your H but were not in love with him????? define please???
so why did you marry him?

-If you guys want to be H&W again in the true meaning that God set than I think you both have to get rid of the other persons.... emotional or physical and put all your energy into each other.

-Is he willing to go to councling?

one other thought... all this "you guys can bash me now" and all that stuff come on now... we are all adults.

I hope things get better for you, I guess the main thing is to remember that God loves you.

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: Heather'shurt ]</small>

IMO it is time for you to do some serious self work. A good counsellor, and some useful self improvement books....start with "self matters" by dr phil mcgraw. You need to figure out who you are, and what you want. Right now you present as a very confused person whose feelings are out of control, time to apply the rational thought, you cannot successfully live a life based on emotional responses.

For example, the om. It felt good, and perhaps it was...BUT he was married, and that means you took a huge risk in "letting" yourself continue until strong feelings overcame you...PLUS as you observed you were in a very emotionally vulnerable state having finally gotten the courage to end a destructive marriage. You should DECIDE at this point to NOT make friends with married men....you also have learned something about what kind of things fit for you with a male. Fit is an important factor in a successful relationship, so take what you learned about yourself and the om and look for this in available males....While it may feel now like the om was your only chance at happiness, it is more likely he is representative of a type of man that works for you. Study up on books about temperament and you will gain more understanding about this. There will be others.

Re your first marriage and residual feelings, given your description of exh, he was a poor partner, and unhealthy for you....you "know" this, your feelings though are primal and reflect our natural jealousy/possesiveness....and/or fear of being alone....there is also the habituation of being used to having him around for years...There is also the possibility you have your own psychological issues with being a resucer, and "feel" you can transform your exh into the man of your dreams, you "see" his potential yada yada yada.....just stay away, these feelings will pass. Take time to improve yourself, and set much higher standards for a partner. And if you are a "rescuer" or a "project" person, recognize that about yourself so you will not be drawn to dysfunctional people, who will gladly "use" you.

In short, put your "feelings" aside for a time, and enter into a focused, committed self-improvement phase of your life....you have been through a lot, that gives you much insight to apply to yourself, and this is a very good time to do it. Also if needed do some stuff for you, exercise program, recreational sport, travel reconnect with family/relatives...do some volunteer work....you will be ok... what you should NOT do, is obsessively dwell on, or pursue relationships with exh, om, or anyone else...

I would like to point out some things you said ~about yourself~ so that you may think about your future choices and determine if ~this~ is the same woman you choose to be for the remainder of your life...

Here is the type of man that attracts you:


H never worked, he was abusive, and he had many A's throughout our M.

You are married to a man who has very poor character and makes very irresponsible choices.

2 days after I left I found out about OW. I tried for 3 months to get him back, to try to reconcile. Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow.

You choose to make your decisions based on emotional jealousy not on respect and character. You make no mention of your principles or moral code of ethics.

But then OM's W kicked him out.

Did you ever wonder why she kicked him out? Did you ever ask yourself if his wife realized he was lacking in admirable character traits and was behaving very badly, so she kicked him out?

It wasn't long and we were seeing each other.

And you made this choice without having ever wondered about his lack of character, his disloyalty to his wife and family, his apparent inability to maintain a happy marriage and make his woman happy.

You jumped without considering where you were going to land.

Your carelessness about where you jumped...

directly into a relationship with a proven loser when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships ...

should give you pause right now...

time to to reflect on your willingness to risk it all for such a man of low wattage. A very poor candidate to take care of you ... after all.... he's proven he does not take care of his woman.

And yet, you find him attractive... and this says ___ what? about you?

We fell deeply in love.

Deeply in love with a man of poor character and a proven lousy track record....

Do you ever ask yourself questions like...

---> "Why am I attracted to an abusive-adulterous man, my husband ... and now to this man MM , who also permits himself to adultery as if it were a good thing...?"

---> "What makes this type of man attractive to me?"

---> "Don't I feel I deserve a healthy mature man? A loyal man? A man who won't use me and then abandon me?"



We both knew it was wrong, but it felt so right.

Ask yourself:

---> "Why do I choose wrongly time after time?"

---> "When will I be strong enough to resist what I know is wrong and will probably hurt me in the end?"

OM had a more difficult time with it than I. Once his W found out about me, she wanted him back. (Boy does that sound familiar?) He went back, then left again to be with me, then went back again, and once more came back to me.

And do you find this man attractive because he is indecissive, weak, and careless about who's heart he breaks?

Finally, she threatened him and blackmailed him into coming back. (I won't go into details.) He went back again. That was 7 months ago.

Do you mourn the loss of a man so weak he cannot make his decisions based on strong personal character and moral principles?

During the time we were together, OM asked me to marry him when our D's were final.

Are you so desperate for attention that you would take such a proposal seriously?

We applied for an apartment, and went shopping for furniture. In every way possible, we were perfect for each other. He is my soul mate.

This is the saddest line of all.

Your soulmate is

weak
lacks character
lacks morals
is a relationship jackrabbit


.... Why don't you find such a man sad? Why attractive instead?

What part of you needs to be hooked up with low morals?

Did you know you can change your life yourself? Without a man?

Are you aware you can grow in spirit and develop you character and morals... and then HEALTHY ... nice men will find you attractive???? Isn't that interesting?

You could work on yourself, and thus become a better catch for a better quality man!!!

And he said the same about me. The day he went back to her, he was crying and told me, "just know I love you very much, and I believe we were created just for each other."

And doesn't this just sound silly?

If you were created just for each other...

...then why do you have to lower your standards to be with him?

We talked for a couple weeks after he went back to her. He told me he was miserable. He told me his heart ached for me. Then, they moved, and I haven't heard from him since.

Good.

Best thing that could happen for you.

He's a rat who is probably fishing for another woman to become soulmates with.

You got snookered. Face it.

But my heart tells me otherwise.

What do your principles and morals tell you?

I have prayed for forgiveness, but I fear it won't come, because to be brutally honest, I am not sorry for it.

Instead of searching for "sorry" you should be self-examining why you take the most destructive path over and over.

I am sorry it caused his W pain. I know that pain. But I am not sorry I fell in love with him. It was the most beautiful, the most precious gift I have ever been given. And I am forever grateful for having known such pure and true love and friendship and companionship even for such a short time.

He is/was and likely will be again in the future... an adulterer. Not so pretty.


The weird thing is, my H and I have been talking about getting back together. I love my H. But it is not the same. I am not in love with him. I know that may sound like a cliche, but it is true. The thing is, my H is still living with OW. And I am still in love with OM, even though he is not here. Kinda sick, huh? And when I think about that, I think...what kind of screwed up person am I????

I think you are sad ....
and you can't clearly identify an authentic identity of yourself...
and you use relationships to fill in your personal gaps...
you haven't taken the time to find other ways to love and honor yourself...
and you seek outside validation...
because you feel empty most of the time...

But, that's just my guess...

If you want to change yourself...
Consider taking a personal inventory of your values...
your strengths...
your weaknesses...
your goals...

all of it...

You have been in 2 relationships where you allowed your character to be degraded.... ask yourself why you find these types of relationships necessary.

Pep

I searched your previous posts...

I read what you wrote about your H (posted January 12 2004)...

And my opinion is you should divorce him....

Move forward...
Find a partner without drug addiction...

Find a partner with a job...

Find a partner who can make you feel safe and loved and protected....

Find a partner with good character and high morals....

And, by all means, WAIT until your DIVORCE is FINAL before you date or seek any male companionship...

Stick to your church like glue....

Take time to heal and identify the woman you choose to be for the rest of your life...

Pray for strength....

When you lie with dogs, you get fleas. Don't forget that.

Pep

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I don't believe your pretended belief in the married man's lies.

You claim his wife kicked him out? Have you tried to verify that or do you just (pretend) to believe him? And even if she really did kick him out, what was her reason? Has it occured to you that if she did kick him out she probably had a very good reason? (My guess is his failure to protect his marriage from women like you) My husband became increasingly abusive: verbally, emotionally, and eventually physically, until I FINALLY kicked him out... THEN he claimed because I kicked him out he was then free to sleep with the adulterer (and it was all my fault)

Also, just because a wife kicks her husband out that doesn't mean she didn't want him to solve his problems and save their marriage. All my husband had to do to return home was to attend an anger management program. He refused to do it (and his family 'supported' him in refusing to attend). You claim his wife only wanted him back after he started committing adultery with you. My WH and OW have made the same false claim. I've even been accused of only wanting to save my marriage (of 25 years & 3 kids) because I'm vindictive and want to ruin their affair!

You also claim his wife blackmailed him into leaving you. Again, why would you believe (or pretend to believe) that? You said you didn't want to go into details. Well, I'm curious about the so-called details - how does a wife supposedly blackmail her husband into coming back? My WH begged and cried to come home... but I found out he told his mother and the OW that he "had to" come home or else I supposedly wouldn't even let him talk to our daughters. (OW supposedly believed I could somehow 'brainwash' or force 3 teen daughters into not picking up the phone and calling their dad anytime they wanted to... uh-huh... If I did know of some way to brainwash or control teens I'd be rich and famous LOL)

And as one of the others posters pointed out, why the heck would you even be interested in a man who is such a wimp he could be forced to be involved with a woman against his wishes? Poor baby - what a catch... THAT's your idea of a 'soulmate'? LOL

Where's your proof of all these LITERALLY incredible claims (as in WHY the heck would any sane person believe it)?!? Are you just taking his word for everything or have you talked to his wife? My WH's OW never bothered to contact me to inform me of what my husband was telling them (he's on OW #7 and yep they all 'thought' he was their 'soulmate' and they all 'believed' his lies about me LOL). Pretty darn coincidental that the OW never bother to check out his story and give the BW a chance to tell their side of it - don't ya think? I don't for one minute assume that the OW fail to do this because they REALLY believed my husband (none of them were children or mentally handicapped so they SHOULD have been able to employ some logical thinking processes). They don't contact the wife BECAUSE finding out the truth would ruin the illusion that the adultery is somehow justifiable AND will blow the OW's pretense of naive innocence. IMO the OW pretend to believe the MM in order to fool the MM into believing the OW is somehow sweet and good. Then the MM will 'protect' and defend the OW when the affair is exposed. IMO adulterers have an unspoken agreement: "Let's pretend the BS is a big 'bad' monster, and we're 'good' and, and what we're doing is OK and not even our fault"

How old (or should I say young) are you? You are either very naive to believe his lies... or even more deceptive than he is when you pretend to believe him. Don't assume the posters here share your naivety OR dishonesty though. WE aren't in the fog like the adulterers are. WE don't share the adulterers motives for 'believing' such hogwash.

I also agree with the poster who said your message title left out the fact that you are a WW.

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Ok, I will try to answer all of your questions. But first let me say that I wasn't asking for sympathy or empathy. Until you've walked in my shoes, you really have no clue as to the emotional torment war that rages within me. The logical, rational side of me fights the emotional side of me. And I guess that has always been my downfall...I am a very emotional person.

First, I am 36. I have a S who is 13. My H is 40, OM 30, OM's W 40. They have no children together, but she has 3 teenagers from her first M.

I was in IC for several months before I met OM and after. I went to a Christian counseling agency my church referred me to. My counselor never once made me feel as degraded and slimey as some of you have. She in fact, believed me when I told her about my feelings for OM, and his for me.

I spoke to OM's wife several times. Let me get one thing straight, I did not cause the problems in his marriage, nor did he cause the problems in mine. Each existed way before we even knew each other. OM and I lived together at my sister's house while he was separated from his W. She knew this. She could not give me one downfall of his. What she did complain about was that he worked too much, he liked to cuddle too much, and that just wasn't her style. When she told him to leave, which by the way was because he was disciplining her kids for disrespecting him over a messed up McDonald's order, he asked her if she was sure he wanted him to go. He asked her if it was really over, and she told him she had already spoken with a lawyer about divorcing him. She confirmed this with me when I asked her.

OM's family and mine were extremely happy about us being together. His mom told me this was the happiest she'd ever seen him. OM has a S from his high school girlfriend, and even he was happy. OM's W was very cold to him, and teased him about the fact that he has bladder problems due to birth defects, for which he is still going through surgeries for. He is 9. OM's W would not allow OM to see his family, because she didn't like them. OM's family wishes he would get the courage up to leave her for good because he is and has been miserable with her for a long time. The last time OM was kicked out by his W was because he snored. She told him to sleep in his work truck (which was a boom truck and not very cozy.) The guy was working 12 to 16 hours a day, she didn't work, and she's gonna kick him out????? OM's mom told me that one. He moved in with them at that time. OM's brother told his mom, and me that he was happy about us because now he had his brother back. Perfect strangers came up and told me what a manipulative, controlling woman she is, and that he is too good for her. All his friends and family were happy when they found out he left her, or was kicked out.

My family adored him. My S was extremely happy because I was finally happy, and he was sick of seeing me being hurt for years by my H. Also, OM treated my S well and they enjoyed each other, and my S and his S got a long great!

My family and friends are scared to death that I will reconcile with my H because of everything he's done to me for the last 14 years, up to and including this A. I can name 5 women, whom I know personally, that my H as slept with. Only one of which I kinda suspected at the time, the others I only recently found out about.

During the time I was with my H, I begged him to go to MC. I pleaded with him to get help for his abusiveness. I forgave him time and again. And I know what it is like to be threatened and coerced into staying where you know it's not healthy. Women are not the only victims of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. No matter how strong you think you are, fear has a way of making you do things you wouldn't normally do. And I wasn't a strong person back then, and I was extremely afraid of my H. I feared for my life at times.

My H and I get along well now. But that's because we don't live together. LOL But, I wonder what his reasons are for wanting me back. He still doesn't work, OW is footing the bills now, and I make a lot more money than she does. So, I wonder if that is the reason for his change of heart. At any rate, no matter that I have love for him, I don't want to revert back to being manipulated and controlled again. And I know he will do that, because he still tries to now. Besides, he is still living with OW. And despite my telling him that reconciliation is not possible when there is still contact (boy that's an understatement) with OW, he continues to live with her in my old house.

Also, I think you should know that I am not an unintelligent woman. I am a registered nurse and I work in intensive care. I am also not a perfect human being, and last time I checked, there isn't such a thing. I may have made a poor decision by becoming involved with OM. However, I was in such a deep depression over my H's A, that I was making myself sick. If anything, if not the truth, the OM gave me my life back. He made me see that there are men out there who know how to treat a woman. Whether or not you think he does or doesn't because of what he did to his W, he treated me very good. And my self esteem and independence soared as a result.

Look, I am not trying to convince you that what I did was right. Because I know it wasn't. I am ashamed of my behavior, far from proud of it. When I said that I was not sorry I fell in love with OM, I meant it. I'm sorry it played out the way it did, that we were both M people, and that it hurt all involved. But, I do believe he loved me, and I do believe we are soul mates. And for that I am not sorry. I am not sorry I found that at all.

Some one questioned OM's integrity and how well he treated his W. He never abused her in any way. She'll agree. He made a lot of money so she didn't have to work, and turned his entire paycheck over to her to pay the bills and do what she wanted with the rest. He paid for her kids' cigarettes, insurance, and put one in college. He was constantly bailing her S out of jail. She never cooked or cleaned, she told my sister once that she doesn't put things on her walls because that means more stuff to clean. He bought all three of her kids cars. He treated them all good, but they walked all over him. And she stood up for them, not him. He was not allowed to have friends. She refused him the chance to stand up in his best friend's wedding. The force that kept him returning to her was the fact that no matter how right it felt to be with each other, no matter how much we loved each other, it was still wrong in the eyes of God. His faith made him go back, even when he didn't want to. The black mailing had to do with his job. He was moonlighting and he used the company truck to go to the other job. His W threatened to tell the company, which she actually did along with a few embellishments of the truth, and they began investigating him and wanted to prosecute him. When he returned, she called the company and told them he didn't do it, that she made it all up to hurt him because he had hurt her. All of this happened after he had quit the job, because she made him to keep him away from me. My brother-in-law worked at the same company. After a few months of them investigating him, they dropped it because they found nothing.

Some one also said something about believing what he said to me. Most of what I just told you comes from his mom and dad, his brother, my brother-in-law (who was his best friend), and people who worked with him or knew his W. She has no friends....she doesn't get along with anyone, she is controlling and has to have things her way. (Sounds like my H! Could you imagine them together???!!! Uggghhh! Sorry, I imagine some of you won't find that funny.)

It just wasn't that cut and dry. We both found in each other what was lacking in our own M's, and wrong or right, we fell in love. The sad thing is, I KNOW I won't find what I found in OM in my H. He just isn't capable. I've given him too many chances to change, to try to compromise, and to truly reconcile, but he refuses. And I somehow think that OM's W may not be capable either. For his sake I hope I'm wrong. I really do hope he is happy. Because if he is still miserable, but staying anyway, I think that is sad.

Just so you know, and don't start calling me a terrible mother, I have talked to my S about all of this. We have read what the Bible says about it. I wanted him to understand that what I did was wrong. He knows, he understands, and he is forever my hero, because he, at least, casts no blame. He at least still loves me even with my faults. And he doesn't think I am some silly, ridiculous, emotionally deranged individual. He just wants me to be happy.

One more thing before I go. I have moved 100 miles away to start my life over. I have NC with OM for 7 months. I do talk to H often. I read the Bible, and many other books on self help, mostly Christian based. Right now I am reading "Lord, I want to be whole" by Stormie Omartian. I have joined a health club. I've only been here in this new place a little over a month, and I am trying to meet new people. Currently looking for a church home. I want to put this behind me. I want to move forward and be healthy. And for the most part I do ok. But sometimes, the heart has a way of sneaking in old hurts and to be honest, no matter how hard I try, OM is never far from my mind. I have put away everything that reminds me of him. But the memories still come back. Songs, places we went, tv shows, movies...something always makes me think of him.

I guess what I really need is your prayers. I think I've done everything you all have already suggested. And I am in no way, shape, or form ready to date right now. Not only that, the D not quite final yet, and I won't be making the same mistake twice.

Thank you to all of you who posted, even you who got a little hostile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know I deserve it.

God bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by meremortal:
<strong> You claim his wife kicked him out? Have you tried to verify that or do you just (pretend) to believe him?
Yes, I verified it with her.

And even if she really did kick him out, what was her reason? Has it occured to you that if she did kick him out she probably had a very good reason? (My guess is his failure to protect his marriage from women like you)

Women like me???? I didn't cause the problems in their M. In fact, she didn't kick him out because she thought he was having an A.

his wife only wanted him back after he started committing adultery with you.

It was the reason I wanted my H back after is A came out. I was totally content to have left him until then. She was the same until he found someone else.


And as one of the others posters pointed out, why the heck would you even be interested in a man who is such a wimp he could be forced to be involved with a woman against his wishes? Poor baby - what a catch... THAT's your idea of a 'soulmate'? LOL

Well, I guess he was a wimp. I, however, know what it's like to manipulated into staying. Some people just aren't strong enough to fight. And if you read my previous post, I had a lot of fear issues to deal with. I guess you could say I was a wimp too, because I allowed my H to force me to stay by threatening me.

Pretty darn coincidental that the OW never bother to check out his story and give the BW a chance to tell their side of it - don't ya think? I don't for one minute assume that the OW fail to do this because they REALLY believed my husband (none of them were children or mentally handicapped so they SHOULD have been able to employ some logical thinking processes). They don't contact the wife BECAUSE finding out the truth would ruin the illusion that the adultery is somehow justifiable AND will blow the OW's pretense of naive innocence. IMO the OW pretend to believe the MM in order to fool the MM into believing the OW is somehow sweet and good. Then the MM will 'protect' and defend the OW when the affair is exposed. IMO adulterers have an unspoken agreement: "Let's pretend the BS is a big 'bad' monster, and we're 'good' and, and what we're doing is OK and not even our fault"

I understand this. I am a BS also. I know my H has told OW lies about me. And I know the pain it inflicts. But, OM's W and I spoke several times. I even spoke with their pastor. He confirmed a lot of things OM and his W told me. OM was honest about me to his pastor also.

How old (or should I say young) are you? You are either very naive to believe his lies... or even more deceptive than he is when you pretend to believe him. Don't assume the posters here share your naivety OR dishonesty though. WE aren't in the fog like the adulterers are. WE don't share the adulterers motives for 'believing' such hogwash.

I never asked for anyone to share my motives. And maybe I was naive, but dishonest, no. I spoke honestly to his W, to him, and to all of you here. And sometimes honesty is very painful, because it uncovers some ugly truths about yourself that you'd rather not share with everyone. It wasn't easy coming here and posting this, knowing the other side of the OW coin is the BS and knowing the pain of both sides.

I also agree with the poster who said your message title left out the fact that you are a WW.

I agree also. I tried to rationalize that one away because, after all, my H was involved in an A, and hey, the D papers were filed. But, you are right, I was a WW also. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

From one registered nurse (practitioner) to another registered nurse...

Look at your Christian principles and your morals you profess to embrace ... and remind yourself..

Whatever "feelings" you have for a MM .... no feeling gives you permission to dump your values and devalue your own integrity.

It is not unusual for nurses to become involved with wounded men ... weak men who need to be rescued...

Big bad mean betrayed wife ... makes weak milk-toast MM feel bad... and YOU the nurse in white shiney armour swoop to the rescue and start picking out furniture with MM ... as if this insanity was normal behavior.

You have a pattern ....
Why not discuss your need to settle for a fixer-upper instead of a fully actualized adult man...

Pep

One more thought....

I know it takes 2 to make a M work, and 2 to make it fail. Lord knows I wasn't the perfect W. But I gave everything I had to my M and to my H. My friends and family would say I gave to the point that it was not self preserving. My H did not. He was demanding, controlling, manipulative, and coercing. Sometimes he was down right mean about it, and other times he was sweet and charming. But nonetheless, he was always working to get his way. Do you not find it possible that OM's W could have been the exact same way? And from what I have heard about her, she was. Is it a crime to be wimpy? Is it so terrible that you lack the back bone, or the strength to get yourself out of a bad M? It took me years to build up the courage to do what I did. I spent months planning it. My resolve wavered constantly. And I struggled with what the Bible says about D. At the time I left, I didn't know about the OW. I left because I was just plain miserable and couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life unhappy. Isn't it possible that OM is in the same boat I was? Could it be that he is a victim of abuse too, and just doesn't know how to get from under it? Just a thought....not trying to make excuses...just thinking too much I guess.

Why not discuss YOUR decisions... YOUR motives...

...leave all these peripheral people and their possible motives out of your discussion...

Why do you prefer weak men who need YOU to help them manage a life they cannot manage themselves?

Pep

Pep~

Thanks for your posts. I truly appreciate what you are saying.

To reply to your last post. I don't think I was looking to heal or rescue him. I was unable to heal myself at that point, let alone to try to heal someone else.

I do agree with you though that I should not have allowed my feelings to cause me to forget my morals and my values. Rest assured, it will NEVER happen again. MM are not what I want. Period. And it is why I haven't dated since, because legally and in the eyes of God, I am still a MW. It is just not worth the mess, the heartache, or the time. And I have come to realize that my emotional state played a big part in my lack of judgement. That won't happen again either.

Trinity,

If you want a safe place to post and get help...honest help without hostility...send me an email star*fish4729@hotmail.com

I don't think I was looking to heal or rescue him. I was unable to heal myself at that point, let alone to try to heal someone else.

And you have a track record of picking out (actually selecting) men who are not good at relationships... ask yourself WHY?

This is about YOU. No one else.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
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Why do you prefer weak men who need YOU to help them manage a life they cannot manage themselves?

Hmmm. I didn't really think of it as being a preference. I have been with the same man for 15 years. I have been with only one other man since. I don't really know what my preference is. But it wouldn't be a weak man. LOL I don't fully understand the whole battered woman syndrome, but why do abused women stay with their abusers? Why do they cover up for them? Why don't they just leave? Why don't they just say STOP? Why didn't I leave earlier? Why did I cover up the bruises and black eyes? Why didn't I tell him to stop? Fear. OM wasn't not abusive. Ok, it wasn't a healthy relationship because we were both M. But he was everything I could have asked for and more. Sheeesh...minus a little detail. Boy, I do sound dumb!

OK, OK, OK! I hear what you all are saying, cuz I just realized how stupid I sound. I have let my emotions rationalize this for me. I have not let my mind take over. I have always pushed that aside, because I didn't want to stop loving him. (Crying now) I didn't want to think of it as anything but beautiful. But it wasn't. It was wrong, and dirty, and I am so ashamed! I knew that coming here and posting this would be the right thing to do. I needed to hear how wrong it was, how wrong my thinking has been. Everyone around me who knew us together just reinforced my emotional thought. But I knew coming here would get me to put my mind in control. Thank you. And I am sorry. Everything all of you have said is so true. I fed into all of it, everything he said because I wanted it to be true. And I have held on to it because I didn't want to believe otherwise. I'm sorry, I got to go for now.


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