This is my first post, so I'll get right to my story. Became pregnant with third child in Aug 03 and had the pregnancy from h@ll (morning sickness for 30 weeks, then reflux for the rest, my father had a benign brain tumor with surgery, my H lost his job twice, my hormones went absolutely ballistic, high blood pressure). In January, H started to go out late at night after kids' bedtime. DUH! Just thought he was hanging out with the guys...dumb me! By March/April, he was definitely spending WAY too much time with this OW (separated with a daughter and 15 years younger than him!) He kept saying he didn't feel comfortable being at home. In April, my oldest son saw them kissing while they took all kids on an outing (without me). It wasn't long until he moved out. Now he and OW are staying at a motel. We have started MC and IC, he says he wants to stay married. I found MB a few weeks ago, and it just makes sense and seems to be my only hope.

I was doing something like Plan A until my son caught them in the act, then I was just so incredibly crushed by the truth of it all. How on earth could he do this to me and the kids??? LB's galore... I had the baby 15 days ago. He was at the delivery, but never stayed in the hospital like he promised. I ended up picking out her name myself! She is a wonderful baby, just like my 2 sons. The boys are suffering horribly. I would love some help in dealing with their anger and sadness.

I started the MB Plan A about 2 weeks ago. I must say I have seen an immediate improvement in his fogginess. We did the EN's questionairres and were surprised that our needs are very similar. I go out of my way to provide him with his EN's, and he occasionally throws me a bone of hope. He keeps saying to wait and be patient, that the odds are in my favor. He says he's not looking for a replacement, but that she does everything for him. This is driving me insane! I just am in so much pain right now I can barely function. I have a knot in my stomach, and I am not able to get past it...please tell me it will get better...

MC is going OK, but he refuses to come home or stop seeing OW. We are able to see how our M was not nurtured as it should. I have consistently promised that there is no where to go but up. He doesn't want the M to be the way it was. He blames me for the crappy M, thinks it excuses him in the A. Says it was a coincidence that he met this OW at the same time our M was in the crapper. I want to strangle him sometimes, making Plan A seem so hard sometimes.

The A has been exposed to everyone under the sun, except his job. (She meets him for lunch every day, though, so they must know something is wrong) Everyone hates him right now. Even his best friends think he was abducted by aliens and are feeling hurt by this. My parents have been here for weeks to help me with the new baby. They never really liked him much anyway, but they are trying to stay neutral. They hate Plan A, but are trying to support me. I can always moved in with them for Plan B if I need to, I guess. He says when they leave on Monday, he will be around more, so I'm going to Plan A my A$$ off.

I really need help with the knot in my stomach. I cannot sleep well or eat and am breastfeeding. I started on smoothie shakes with Ensure to give myself something. I've tried and reacted to 3 AD meds so far. I've lost 25 pounds since the birth (bonus except I don't feel healthy).

Anyone awake??

You've only been in Plan A a short time, but it has already had a positive effect, and he is wavering. Meanwhile, you are under tremendous stress and your health is at risk. I think you are a perfect candidate for a quick move to Plan B. Do not discuss possible seperation with him (you do not negotiate a Plan B, you just do it), but if I were you I would begin making Plan B preparations with the intent of doing it in the next week or two if he does not make up his mind soon.

Start reading up on Plan B and be sure you understand it...meanwhile, keep up the good Plan A.

Kathi

<small>[ May 22, 2004, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

WAID -

I wanted to chime in here because I am also in Plan A and it has made a tremendous turn around in my relationship with my WH. My WH moved out as well but he did not move in with OW. He wanted a DV and was not going to even try to regain our relationship.

I started Plan A (really truly this time, I tried before but do not think I actually got the concept) the day he moved out May 5, I believe. He is now back home and we are working on nurturing our marriage to make it a better place to be. He posts and reads MB and it has done some amazing things for him and for myself.

Now on to what I would say to you. First of all the things WH is saying about the OW doing everything for him. It is purely fog talk. WS tend to rewrite history and forget that you at one point was everything to him as well. My WH still feels like the A was better than our 8 years of marriage. To a point he is right but our new relationship has the potential to be so much better than his A. Try not to focus on what he is saying to you right now. Do not even talk about the relationship unless it is during MC or he brings it up.

I don't know what AD you have tried but I am on Lexapro and I cannot tell you how much it has helped me overcome the rough spots. My WH has even noticed a difference in my attitude. I know deep down my WH loves me and yours does too. It is just hard to see it through the fog of the affair.

Plan A is going to be though but keep coming here for support and do your best. The one thing that my husband said made a huge difference for him is that he saw I was working on myself. I focused on myself and what I could change about me not what I could change about him. Focus on yourself right now is what changes you can make to make the relationship safe for him to come home to.

Good luck and stay strong. Keep posting you will receive some great help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WAID

I am no expert, but the feelings that you are having are perfectly normal. This is the beginning phase, I know it feels like you won't get any better, but you will. Honestly, you will. I have lost 53 lbs now and I am doing fine, just can't stop losing. I guess when the stress goes away the weight loss will too. Please just take care of you and your baby. This is a precious time for you and her, don't blow it by not remembering the days that go by wondering where you WH is or what he is doing. I believe that if you keep Plan A, he might be one of those that turns around, JMO. Keep plan Aing and read the SAA book and his needs/her needs, also another good book is torn asunder. Make sure you eat right no matter what. It is going to be hard for you with the hormonal changes your body goes through after birth anyway. Keep trying for the right Anti-D I think you are going to need one for sure. I had some of the baby blues real bad I can't imagine this on top of it. Wait it out until an expert comes along to post to you. Good Luck and Prayers to you, you have come to the right place. This is a community of loving and caring people where you honestly can do no wrong in their eyes, and if you do they just 2x4 you and move on. Everyone has feelings and we all know it.

HINY

Thanks all for the support, all in less than an hour!! I'll hang in there with Plan A for now, at least until school is over in June. It's hard to see an end to the A when he has the best of both worlds right now. They're hiking in New Hampshire this weekend. WE used to hike all the time pre-kids/one kid. I'm so darn jealous...I wish they would start LBing already!

I know it's slow on weekends, so I thought I would tell a little more of my story...

In January, my woman's instinct bells began to ring. My H was just fired for a pos. urine drug screen (pot). I was so upset, he had just been laid off for 10 weeks from Oct to Jan and now out of work again. Previously, he has had no serious work issues. Just the normal $$ problems of living in rural Vermont. I've been worried about his daily smoking for yeras, and went ballistic. He wanted to go to a drug counsellor and did manage to stay clean for 3-4 weeks to pass his pee test. He was lucky to even have been given a chance to repeat the test.

Well, he started to not come back on time and hang out with potheads again, so I knew he was right back into it. His "friends" couldn't imagine what I was so upset about. Some friends, huh? Now, I'm not innocent to the ways of pot, but have never been a heavy or daily smoker, especially since having kids. I was so disappointed, but then again, not surprised. I see that he is addicted, but he's not going to stop for me, it must be for himself. I had made a selfish demand that if me didn't stop, I would leave after school was over. He kept saying that I wasn't helping him when he needed it. I was so angry that I was in no position to "help" him, especially because he was not ready to quit anyway. He went to drug counseling 3 times and group once/twice. I pretty much give up, but it is still an issue that we will continue to face.

By March, he was constantly not coming home until very late, and here he was hanging out "talking" to OW!. He actually got me to start having her over our house at night when she got off 2nd shift. He would "fall asllep" with us, then leave or go downstairs to smoke pot and hang out with her! OMG was I so stupid or what. We even went out and did family outings a few times, sometimes I would stay home at his request. Well, that stopped when my 7-year-old precious son told me he saw them kissing each other on one of their outings to Chuck E. Cheese.

Church time!! I'll be back to finish.

WAID,
Kam is exactly right, you should move to Plan B fairly quickly with a H who is this brazen and destructive. I wouldn't give Plan A anymore than 2-3 more weeks and then move into Plan B. He is a cake eater who has no movitivation whatsoever to end his affair. He doesn't even bother to hide it because there are no consequences.

Do you confront him about his contact??

I hope you aren't allowing the kids around this OW anymore.

WAID - Stick with us. We will help you through this. While it is miserable at first, you will start feeling better. So sit back, try to relax, and take comfort in the fact that you now have a plan.

The supplemental drink is a great idea, and also take plenty of fluids. Put your WH on the back burner right now, while you get grounded in the MB principles.

Church felt good. The sermon was on how love is what God wants us to do and that it starts at home. I have been praying my heart out that WH will see the light of day and return to a better loving M than we had before. Waffling stinks!

WH is staying at OW's motel room because he has "no where else to go". Every time he says that I just want to die...he belongs with me and his 3 precious children, not some f@#$%-ing OW. He's pretty much homeless, but I guess he's so foggy he doesn't give a hoot. Must be nice not to have a care in the world! I believe we need to make a move, as suggested in MB. We have pretty much had it with this area anyway, and were already thinking about it. I've already sent out his resume. I'm a nurse and on maternity leave, so I know I could get another job (although I've been at this one for 11 years and really enjoy it). I would pretty much do anything to escape this nightmare.

MB has taught me many things about our relationship...we LB like crazy (especially me, unfortunately), we HARDLY EVER agree enthusiastically about most things, we had no clue what each other's EN's are (although we do know now since doing the EN Questionaire). OMG, is there any hope at all??

We used to get along well and had lots of time together pre-kids (we waited 9 years until we started a family). We pretty much grew up together and have made it through the Navy, college, his father/my brother's deaths, 3 miscarriages, many moves, 2 house additions...you name it. Neither of us are ready to give up on the M at all, but want it to be better. I fear Plan B will interfere with MC, or does that just stop?? If Plan B, I will probably leave and go to my parents' in Philly. He and OW will probably take over my beautiful house, I'll never want to live there again. Or can I Plan B him here (I doubt it already)?? I've only been Plan Aing for 2 weeks and see something happening already. I need you guys, my family and friends don't understand Plan A at all.

He is starting to tell me everything about the A, even making some complaints about the OW. She is still M to an abusive alcoholic who has been harrassing them constantly (which is funny), but we all know those LB's just push her towards my WH. OW puts up with her H and lets him do whatever he wants.

WH even talks about the PA with me. He was a virgin when we met, so this is something he has always wondered about (especially because SF is a top EN). He jokes about being so great (which he is) but it makes me want to vomit. What is with men?

I know I'm rambling...WH is supposed to come every day and help with the kids until bedtime this week, then we are supposed to go away for a 3 day family weekend (not sure where yet). He'll be in withdrawal over the weekend, right? How do I act during that time? I wish we were going for 2 weeks!

Church felt good. The sermon was on how love is what God wants us to do and that it starts at home. I have been praying my heart out that WH will see the light of day and return to a better loving M than we had before. Waffling stinks!

WH is staying at OW's motel room because he has "no where else to go". Every time he says that I just want to die...he belongs with me and his 3 precious children, not some f@#$%-ing OW. He's pretty much homeless, but I guess he's so foggy he doesn't give a hoot. Must be nice not to have a care in the world! I believe we need to make a move, as suggested in MB. We have pretty much had it with this area anyway, and were already thinking about it. I've already sent out his resume. I'm a nurse and on maternity leave, so I know I could get another job (although I've been at this one for 11 years and really enjoy it). I would pretty much do anything to escape this nightmare.

MB has taught me many things about our relationship...we LB like crazy (especially me, unfortunately), we HARDLY EVER agree enthusiastically about most things, we had no clue what each other's EN's are (although we do know now since doing the EN Questionaire). OMG, is there any hope at all??

We used to get along well and had lots of time together pre-kids (we waited 9 years until we started a family). We pretty much grew up together and have made it through the Navy, college, his father/my brother's deaths, 3 miscarriages, many moves, 2 house additions...you name it. Neither of us are ready to give up on the M at all, but want it to be better. I fear Plan B will interfere with MC, or does that just stop?? If Plan B, I will probably leave and go to my parents' in Philly. He and OW will probably take over my beautiful house, I'll never want to live there again. Or can I Plan B him here (I doubt it already)?? I've only been Plan Aing for 2 weeks and see something happening already. I need you guys, my family and friends don't understand Plan A at all.

He is starting to tell me everything about the A, even making some complaints about the OW. She is still M to an abusive alcoholic who has been harrassing them constantly (which is funny), but we all know those LB's just push her towards my WH. OW puts up with her H and lets him do whatever he wants.

WH even talks about the PA with me. He was a virgin when we met, so this is something he has always wondered about (especially because SF is a top EN). He jokes about being so great (which he is) but it makes me want to vomit. What is with men?

I know I'm rambling...WH is supposed to come every day and help with the kids until bedtime this week, then we are supposed to go away for a 3 day family weekend (not sure where yet). He'll be in withdrawal over the weekend, right? How do I act during that time? I wish we were going for 2 weeks!

Sorry about the doublepost.

Please settle down. Do not move from your home. WH has chosen to live in a motel. Let him. If you are not yet strong enough for Plan B, stay in Plan A for awhile. You can get your support here to keep it up.

Has OW's H been told of the A? That is necessary. Unless you know for a fact that he is abusive, don't believe it. I have heard that story so many times here, and it is usually just an excuse for WS's bad behavior.

I've never met the OW's H. Only hearsay from WH. Mmmmmm...

WH keeps telling me to "be patient" and that OW is not such an issue, our M is. Fog-brains again?

I'm not good at waiting, never have been. But this is so important, I need to find some strength in me somewhere...

OW's H definitely knows...he shows up at the motel to harrass them. WH doesn't like how OW handles this (she is not in a hurry to divorce him).

Okay, sounds good so far. So settle down and relax and get into a good Plan A. That is the best place to start. When you feel like LB'ing, come here. We have heard it all.

Any suggestions for a newbie in Plan A? I have been going to his work and spending morning break, I bring coffee/food, plus I started to make him lunch, too (OW still comes to see him at lunchtime, but she used to buy him lunch every day...isn't she so sweet?). I've been offering to see him at lunch, too, but he says he's not ready for that. Sometimes I get a kiss and hug. I've been doing his laundry for him, and accomodating any other thing he needs. It's so hard to compete for time with him. Everything revolves around OW's schedule, and now that she quit her job (her H was harrassing her there, too) she's his slave. It makes me want to scream!!

Is your WH supporting you financially? That may be a weak spot. If he has to pay child support and give you money that will get to them.

My WH has been with OW since last year and their A is just now becoming shakey. What helped me most was staying busy, making changes in me.

He gives me most of his paycheck. I told him we cannot afford 2 households AT ALL. The OW lets him stay w/o him paying a cent. She is sooo nice. He pretty much is acting like everything is OK. Eating cake every day...

You have been Plan Aing for a year?? I'm so depressed and tired from just having a baby, I have no desire to do much of anything. If I hadn't found MB by accident, I'd be in deep doo-doo.

Believer, you're awake, too?

I go visit WH at work soon. He called to say he got home fine from the weekend hiking with OW. It rained, so apparently it wasn't that great (thank GOD!). He wanted to come and see our 3 year-old, since my parents are taking him back to Philly today to give me a break, but he was already asleep. He still plans on hanging out at house more when my parents leave, but I have heard that before (although he seems less foggy). I'm anxious to see him.

I've been trying a new med, Buspar, for anxiety. I have been having panic attacks and anxiety since this whole mess started. I had one so bad that I wanted to kill him and then almost killed myself with sleeping pills just to get away. That sucked. I was pregnant at the time and had serious hormone imbalance. We have just had the worst year. I pray we can weather this storm, but he MUST break it off with OW. Is there a safe way to convince him of this? HELP!

Here is a post that I just posted to someone else.

posted April 22, 2004 12:14 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here you go it was in In Plan B and we're doing fine.


the lighthouse post.....

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

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BS(me) 36