I need advice: This week I found out my husband of 9 years and my best friend have feelings for each other. They have been talking for 6 months and she beleived he was going to leave me for her. Tonight we were together and he told her that he wanted to be with me and that they would not talk anymore. However it took him a long time to decide who he wanted to be with. Is this a sign? He also said he liked what they have. And that he loves me in different ways, but not sexually. Now what do I do?
I realize I have gained weight and i am overweight a little, but I only weigh 148lbs. I am crushed because all he can say is that I did nothing wrong. I have been a wonderful wife and lover.
I am a very strong woman who usually has total control of her life and now I feel so helpless and confused. I have not been able to eat nor sleep. I have slept 11 hours in 5 days.
I worry about my 2 beautiful girls and sometimes myself as well. I love him so much and am sick about what happened. Will I be able to trust him and has he done this before and will he be able to not talk with her anymore?
Please help,
very lonely, confused and hurt.

I wish I had answers that would take away your fears. Most of us here are dealing with the same thing and so you are in the right place.

I'm thinking couseling for you both to get past this would be the best thing. But for some they prefer to use the books. There are excercises that you can do with one another that will get the communication going.
This way you may be able to get some of your answers.

Keep posting. We are all here for you and hopefully some that have been at this longer or have similar situation will respond to your post.
I'm fairly new at this myself, still learning.
But I just hated seeing your post not have a response so I had to respond. I just wanted you to know you are in the right place here at MB.

Dear Devestated32,

Im sorry you find yourself here.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

There is HOPE!! First H must commit to NO CONTACT with OW (other woman) and KEEP IT!!

That is first key....
get her out of your life! that means no more friend either..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Read everything here that Harley has written and if H is really commited to your M, find a good Marriage Counselor~M/C! and do it FAST.....

Read read read all you can here. If your H is computer literate......have him come here too and post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We would love to talk to him!!

Your feelings may need as lots of people here will tell you "a little help"....anti/depressant may be??

It is very hard to function on so little sleep and no food....sometimes anti/d helps those two things so you don't run yourself into the ground!

An Affair is the worst betrayal you can go thru....you will feel rage~hate~pity~on and on and on....sadness is a HUGE part of it.

Just know that there are many people here who have come thru the A! and actually have better M's than before the A!! It is POSSIBLE with the willingness of both H and W!

Hang in there! Keep reading and "talking"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

D32 -

I really wanted to respond to you here. I can't tell from your story. Did your WH and BF have an EA or a PA as well?? My WH had a PA with my BF. It was the most horrific experience in the world. I did not sleep, I lost 35 pounds and was a wreck. He loved what he had with her and he loved me but was not "in love with me". Very similiar to what your husband says. THis is all what we MBers call fog talk.

There is so much hope in your story. Your WH has chosen to stay with you and that is the first step. I am still fairly new at this but I will give you a little advice based on my experiences.

Number one: go see a doctor and get on Anti-depressants (they will help you feel better and it turn let you get some rest, which you are going to need for this rollercoaster ride). Now if you are anything like me when people recommende this I though ok whatever I don't need those. I was crying for hours on end so I decided that I would try it and I feel 150 times better.

Number two: There has to be NC between your WH and BF. He should right a NC letter. The bad thing is that you must also have no further contact with BF. I don't know how you feel right now (I went through so many stages) but it is impossible to keep a F who has done this to you. No matter what happens with your marriage.

Number three: Read up on this site and learn all you can. Plan A is going to be your best friend right now. I encourage you to look at it and see what you can do to change/work on yourself and making your marriage a safe place for your husband.

Now on to a few last comments (sorry this is so long but I have been where you are and thought I could shed some light). Your WH will probably be working through his feelings for your BF and he will might continue to tell you about them. Please stay calm and just listen. I know it hurts and we wish it was over but it will get better.

As for your trust issue, I believe that you can trust your WH again but trust is something that you earn. Are you going to trust him again tomorrow, heck no but it will come with time and hard work.

Be strong, keep posting. The people here will help get you through this. You can do it.

Prayers to you!

well it has been a couple of weeks since i hane been here. My husband and I were trying to work things out and all was working great. We were talking and acting the way we used to. He allowed me to ask as many questions and as often as I wanted. I got angry from time to time and we dealt with that. All was well until the OW (my ex best friend) called me at work yesterday. She told me that my WH was still calling her all the time even though he told us that he would not have any contact with her. I got very angry with him and he decided to record their conversation today. He called her because he was mad. when he brought the tape home there was nothing on there that said he was not calling her. the one chance she had to say something about him calling got muffled. Is this coincidence? He then had this blank look on his face and then went to bed. I don't know what else to do, but I can't go through all this again. any advice-pls help!!!!

If he is serious then he needs to end all contact with a no contact letter and agree to NEVER call her again. If he really means he is done, he should be happy to do this. I would suggest writing it together and YOU take it to the post office and mail it.


No contact letter examples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

Are you familiar with the Marriage Builders program? Are you following it to determine what has led to this affair so you can correct the problems in your marriage?

thanks for the response, but that is my question I do not know if he is really not talking to her. Is he lying or is she lying to me??? I don't know how much more I want to go through this anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

devastated, no matter who is calling who, you know they are still talking to each other, don't you? That means they are in contact. And that means he needs to end contact.