I think I've been posting to and reading about too many WS's. After a conversation with WH yesterday, I'm feeling sorry for OW.

She has left her husband and daughter for my WH, and now is terrified that he is going to "ditch" her. Also her car engine blew up and now she has no transportation, and is not working.

WH is trying to figure out how to make this work out so that no one gets hurt. OW's H has moved on and doesn't want her back.

I used to be very angry with her, but now I just feel bad for the big mess she and WH have made.

Good morning girlfriend! I was just thinking about this suject last night as I was walking. I want to just feel pity for the OW, but I think with her being my supposed "best friend," I have more hurt feelings concerning her.

I am hoping that time will heal this for me. She is not worth me wasting that kind of energy on. And I know she is a pitiful person, because she apparently only thinks she is good enough to be an Other Woman, not THE woman.

So I pray for the heart that you have right now, my friend. I just want to feel sorry for her, pity for her. No more anger. That just hurts me.

We had a blast in Disneyland. Have you heard from Brett lately? I don't see his thread.

Lots of love and support.

SS

Believer, you have a good heart. I had a nightmare last night about OW. But I am not mad of her, just pity.

SS, glad to see you again. How is your recovery?

cellophane -

You are right, they did make the choices. It just seems like now there is no way out of this without even more hurt.

I have read about so many WS stories here and realize that many did not purposely get into the A. So I have sympathy for them.

And to top it off, I'm doing great without WH. I don't even know if I want him back.

And I should stay in a better Plan B. WH came over to discuss finances. He just got his retirement bonus, and we were deciding how to use it.

Before he left, I asked him to move his gun cabinet out of the extra bedroom. I told him I have a roommate moving in this weekend. Then he flipped out and said he is planning to move back in this month. I told him that he is still with OW and is not moving in - and of course the conversation turned to her.

WH is trying to figure out how to make this work out so that no one gets hurt.

LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Too late! oops! sorry....


I used to be very angry with her, but now I just feel bad for the big mess she and WH have made.

This is one of your healing steps...

It took me ahellofalot longer to reach this step than you ....

You're probably a much more empathetic person than I ...

Never confuse feeling empathy with feeling responsible FOR her situation...

OW volunteered for all of this .... except her automobile troubles.

Pep

SS - Hi- good to hear from you again. I keep reminding everyone here about your story. In fact I told Binder about it this morning.

Dear Brett is madly, madly in love. He is doing very well with his new sweetie. He feels 10 years younger, and went to Washington to see an old buddy. He has not heard from his ex - oh well, her loss.

Hope your recovery is going well. Mine is doing very well - except WH is still with OW, and there is still all of this drama. I think I will give him to OW.

Phew, I was beginning to think I had been cyber-snubbed! I am glad you are still my buddy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My recovery is going nicely. I have issues, still. I am off the anti-d's for now. Going to see how that goes. I don't like the side-affects.

I think I am to the point where I need IC to get over the rest of my issues with the A. There is nothing else H can do for me in that department. He has answered all of my questions, patiently and with love, and I have asked them all 500 times already. And there is nothing he can do for me. And all of that makes him feel badly about himself. Which he should, and he does, but I don't want an unhappy, guilt-ridden, beaten-down H! I want us both to be happy and healthy and able to enjoy the gift of being together again, and having fun as a family and making memories.

I think time is my best healer. It just takes, well, time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have been posting more lately, because one of the men that my H works with, the family I cook for, has recently been torn apart by infidelity.

So, here was this man, patiently listening to my H in his fog-babble months ago, trying to understand. Now, his WW has gone and moved in with the OM. The OM's wife and kids have moved back to Texas (she is devestated).

A mess. I have told him about this site, and I know talking with me is a great source of comfort for him. He just wants her to come home. They have 2 small children. In fact, we are going to the children's Baptism brunch this morning. It should be interesting.

Anyway, after seeing how much talking with me, and just having someone there who TOTALLY understands what he is going through, has helped him and eased some of his pain (it reminded me of how all of you and my friends here at home did that for me), I decided that if my story can help just 1 person here, then it is worth it.

So, that is why I am kind-of back. My business has really picked up, so I don't have much free time. Mostly in the morning, before my family wakes up. California was beautiful when we were there this past week. Wonderful weather in Orange County.

I am so blessed. Thank you for having such a hand in my recovery. Without you and your level-headedness, who knows what mess I could be in right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

Sorry! Dang double-post.

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

SS -

I'm glad you are doing well. You are right, time does help. Also if you can realize that your WH didn't mean to have an A. He probably just got ensnared.

My WH is very remorseful, even though he is still with OW. He just wants to take back the last year, and have the A never happen. It is very sad to see.

Hope you will keep posting to give others hope. You did such a great job on Plan A, even in the face of a situation that seemed so hopeless. Others need to hear about it.

Also you are one of the few who did not have to go to Plan B.

While you are around town, if you see this big goofy guy smiling with his one tooth, followed by a young lady with a goofy smile on her face, you will know it is Brett and E.

Tell you the truth beleiver girl.. I don't feel a bit sorry.. I hope their crap get worse! You recolte what you planted.. that's life! Let's them eat rotten corn! (if they can afford it).

Love you much g/f. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are all better people than I am. I have no pity, only hate.

"I have read about so many WS stories here and realize that many did not purposely get into the A" this is the reason really. The Ow in my h's life DID plan it. It was well thought out and perfectly executed. She is cold, cruel and not a bit sorry. She got what she wanted out of it and that's all that matters. She even sent me an email saying what a horrible person I am and how I deserved all of this after the affair was over. Even when my h told her that she had been lied to and none of what she thought about me was true she was still hateful. No remorse at all!

My OW has no remorse either. When I confronted her last year, she laughed at me and said at least she doesn't drive by my house and say "NaNa, I've got your husband."

I hated her for a long time, but am over that now. She has given up so much - her nice home, she was a stay at home mom, her 12 year old daughter, her H who worked two jobs, and treated her like a princess.

I am just so thankful that I am not in WH or OW's shoes. There will be no happy ending here. Nothing but more pain for them. It makes me very sad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> My OW has no remorse either. When I confronted her last year, she laughed at me and said at least she doesn't drive by my house and say "NaNa, I've got your husband."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe YOU can drive by her place now and say "NaNa, you've got my husband!" LOL!!!

Sorry, couldn't resist.

This ability of yours to see the OW as a person with limitations and pain of her own is truly a step in healing for you. You are rising above the entire situation.

Then again....

sucks to be her, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Beliver,

I wouldn't waste time worrying about the OW, not sorrow, nothing, she doesn't think anything about you. As for me, I will never feel sorry for the a@@wipe. His 30+ years of A's on his BW, and targeting hurt married women only bring me pity, contempt, and anger. The man needs salvation to understand what he's done, and to know love. Something I'm sure he has never had except for the useless appendage between his legs. That you feel sorry shows that you for the kind of person you are, a kind, wonderful woman. You are so much more then the OW and that does shine through.

As for your WH, I don't even believe his remourse when he is still with the OW. Just makes him sorry that he got caught. Nor would I let him move in right away after the A really does end. Your WH needs to show a lot of effort and desire, and yep work. It probably kills him that you are fine without him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sure the OW is really happy with her choices now. Nothing like uncertaintanty, and worry to spice up your life. Hope she enjoys the ride.

Spider Slayer,

Be careful when talking to the person your trying to help. Lots of snares happen slowly. Of course you know this, but none of us is invulnerable. But, you are well armed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm not saying that you would ever have an A or anything and I hope you don't take any offense. It's always nice to be able to help someone.

Believer, you cannot suppress your inate goodness and compassion, nor should you. You can sympathize without condoning what she has done.

Infidelity is often spoken of as an addiction here, this is one more parallel. A junkie will rob, beat, steal and prostitute themselves for a “fix" They may not have been "evil" prior to their present state, but they are slaves to it. They don't even want to be where they are at; they have lost the discipline to control it.

Should we condemn them for their transgressions? Look at the selfless folks that try and help them without enabling them or condoning what they do. You just happen to be selfless with your empathy. Do not question your feelings, you can't control who you are. Be proud. This world will try and extinguish your caring soul at times. Don't let it.

We are spiritual creatures, OW tried to fill that void with your husband. You have filled it with God. She knows at some level how pathetic she is and how she may have irrevocably ruined her own life. That will surface. Grieve her sins and pray for her soul.

If that doesn’t work, spray her lawn with herbicide.

Well talked to my good friend OW's H. He can't believe I am feeling sorry for OW. He spent last weekend and this weekend working on her car. He says he will not take her back, but still is a good man who cares about her.

This has turned into such a BIG mess. She cheated on her H when he was called up for active duty in Iraq. He came home to no job, no wife. It has been extremely hard for him.

OW has completely abandoned him and 12 year old daughter. She has done nothing to help her H with bills, food, nothing.

I told my WH (since he got a retirement bonus) to give OW a couple thousand to help daughter and H. Well OW does not want to take money from WH (although he has spent nearly $50,000 on her this year).

So I told WH if OW does not want the money, why not give it to OW's H? I know that I should not get mixed up in this drama. But it just is so sad.

Believer -

You have a good heart. I don't think you should suggest that your WH gives any of his money to anything. Ahem, Plan B? Anyway, you are the kindest soul I have ever met. Goodness will come your way - that is how the universe works. Very consistent.

Silverthorn -

I know what you are saying. I am very aware of my friend being a man. In fact, when I do speak to him, mostly I do so with my H there. Occassionally we Instant Message each other (I also cook for him and his kids - dinners for the week - so we communicate about that, as well), but I share it all with H.

I am aware of the "slippery slope" of friendship between a man and woman. I have read NOT Just Friends, and all the other books. It is always in the forfront of my brain. My H did not mean to get involved in his A. He was "just friends" with my supposed best friend. Hm. Scary stuff.

Thank you for the concern, though. I was even thinking of saying the above in that post you referred to, but didn't. I am glad you caught on to that and called me on it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for all the input everyone. This is so new to me. But I am very thankful to feel the way that I do. Like Star says, when you come here don't expect change, but expect to change. That is what happened to me.

Believer,

You are truly a wonderful person. "Believer" is so fitting for you!

While I don't have quite the sympathy for the OW that you do, I have had moments when I truly felt sorry for her. I mean, she had three kids by the time she was 25 (two in her mid-teens). She has no job. She can't even get her drivers license back until she pays $600 restitution or something like that--apparently an insurance issue. Although she lacks morals, she truly is in a mess. She has nothing--not even her own place to live. She is "temporarily" living with her married friends and babysitting for them in the evenings and stuff to earn her keep, from what I understand. She lives on government assistance and food stamps.

Okay, so she made her bed. But she does have a LONG, HARD road ahead of her to become something worthwhile. I can sort of understand why, when she saw a guy who was interested in her, who had a nice truck, a good job, and a Harley, she jumped at the chance to be pulled out of her situation.

This doesn't quite explain why the guy who had all that and a family of his own walked away from them for her, though.

I think I feel more sympathy at times for her than I do for WH.

LL

LL - I hope you will continue to feel for OW. It is really freeing.

You are doing well. Keep it up. We will all get through this.