On 05/03 after a LB session(from both parties), my WH stated for the umpteeth million time he wanted a Divorce. I called him on his bluff, phoned my mother & asked for the monies for a DV. She obligied - she does understand giving him this much time (15 months) to "get over his infatuation w/ OW".

What ended up transpiring we would separate till he could afford a Dv. So I gave him a verbal Plan B letter (I am giving the written version on June 1st just as I embark thru the security gate at the airport) and he agreed to it all - no talking to each other, etc.

Within days, with me packing up all my belongings, he started saying things like this is just a "break". He also claims he ended contact w/ OW & really liked being "free of her", he was thinking clearier now. I even found out he is reading off the MB site. I used to give him printouts early into the A - he discarded all information.

With him starting to say things like I love you more than you know (only a week ago - loved me, just not the way he should) and telling me only this morning, "Now I have a reason to get back to the East Coast - you and your snoring" (ONLY do this when I am overtired) - WHY AM I QUESTIONING IF I EVEN WANT HIM BACK?

I love him so much, but last night while watching a movie - guy shows up at girls door - they land in bed - all I could think of was WH at my former friend's house & her Spreading her WH*RE legs! Talk about crying jag!! I had to hide in the bathroom till I stopped - when will these stupid triggers end? Or will they ever end?

I was packing yesterday morning and came across pics of OW, didn't bother me - I don't hate her - I actually pity her - she blames me for sleeping w/ my WH and blames WH for taking advantage of her son many times. I hope she can live with herself, with her mistakes & I hope she has learned from them and can grow into a better person. I wish her well. I, of course want her to stay away from my WH.

I am going into my makeshift Plan B next week and I am scared. I don't know what to expect, but I wasn't expecting to feel like I do today - is it worth it? Is that normal? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

from my perspective, your feelings are normal except "I wish her well". I DON'T wish my h's xow well, I wish that she got into a car accident and went through the windshield. I wish that she was badly burned in a fire. I wish that she could feel half the pain I have felt.

I know that sounds like I'm putting all the blame for the affair on her, I'm not. I know it was his fault but I can't hate him. I can hate her and I do. She had an agenda when she began talking to my husband. Her agenda was to destroy my family and temporarily steal my life. She didn't care for him, didn't want him and admitted that to me, but she did want someone to pay the bills until she found a man she wanted to be with (who of course could also pay the bills) She was rewarded handsomely for ruining my life. She wanted the financial benefit and she sure got it! As I put the pieces of the puzzle together I realize that in the very short time they were together he spent thousands to try and keep her. She took full advantage of his *generosity* even though she knew he wasn't doing it out of friendship. He was grasping at anything he could to make her want him, money can't make that happen!

My h is not a wealthy man so most people might think she couldn't have been a gold digger. Not so, it's like the difference between a thousand dollar call girl and a two dollar whore. She is a gold digger, but she isn't attractive so she can only dig for small nuggets, just enough to pay the bills so she doesn't have to worry too much about that.

In the beginning, I blamed OW for leading WH on, stroking his ego, etc. - BUT - he is a grown man - he was the one that could have come to me, He's the one that could have stayed away from her. Yes, she should have said - go home & tell your wife what you wanted to do, but she was lonely & weak - I was an afterthought. Besides, my vows were w/ my WH, not her, if I hold on to that anger, who wins?

My mom wanted me to write her a nasty letter telling her off - why I asked? She is no longer a friend, she no longer matters to me, how can I learn from this, move on & forgive if I am holding onto the anger.

Nothing can be changed - we need to learn from our past mistakes, grow & hopefully become better people - w/ or w/out our WSs.

I love my H, but today I am questioning if I can live w/ the triggers that cause the pain. I look at him and see this special man and wonder how he could have done this to us. But, I do know that he is in deep pain - he went against everything he believed in. His intregrity was tested & he believes he failed.