We've been married over 10 yrs. with two children. I thought we were happy.<P>Several years ago, I accidentally found email he'd gotten from a woman online. Very erotic, provocative, etc. He said it was nothing. They'd talked for a few mos. online....and it ended.<P>Months later.....I just got tired of wondering what he was doing......so I stopped our online account.<BR>I've found out recently that he'd met someone online before I stopped the acct. They've been talking ever since. I started our acct up again, because I thought the coast was clear.....it was years later.<BR>She IM'd me thinking it was my H. She said I love you. Later I found an erotic email she'd sent him. He's not ever on the computer now. I don't know why she sent him email then.<BR>This relationship has been going on for over 2 years or more. I don't know for sure where she lives. I don't know for sure anything really. I do know they talk a lot on the phone.<P>I have not confronted him about this at all.<BR>I do not think that he is aware of my suspicions. What should I do?<P>Can I trust him ever again? <BR>What if he loves her? How do you ever find out the truth about how they feel?<BR>Is he staying because of our children?<BR>What do I do know?<BR>I don't know if I could forgive him or trust him.

Holly!<BR>Confront your H immediately! Two years is a long time. I haven't read any of Harley's books yet (we just got the "His Needs, Her Needs" book) but you must confront him (calmly) with what you have found out. <P>I can share some of what happened in my own household. My H was cheating on me but according to him would have never left me as he loved me. He did find outlets for the sex he didn't think he was getting from me. Most recently the outlets were cybersex. Then he met one of these bimbos last February while on a trip across the country and they consummated their dirty little relationship. It is hard to deal with but you are so much better off knowing where things stand. Keep us posted. I am new to this forum (I have been a regular at another site for 3 months now), having just found out in one fell swoop that my H of 19 years cheated on me with 3 different vaginas starting after the births of our children (9 years ago).<P>Regarding your issue of trust, that is a high hurdle to jump. I have found that once my H recommitted to me and our children, I had to give him a seed of trust and he has been nuturing that and it has been growing. Since D day I have not found him doing ONE THING that has taken him from his promise to me: that he would place me and the kids back in the center of his life.

Holly, sorry about your situation. I have been in those shoes. My H also had contact with ow online. He denied ever meeting her, also told me numerous times he was not in contact with her. All where lies, he did meet her and had sex, he did keep in contact with her. Until he was caught red handed he denied any relationship with her. I am a big believer that things can work out, but it is a hard road to climb. Your H has to be willing to committ and work on your relationship. I cancelled our internet service, he handed over the mobil phone, I had his voice mail number at work....all of this so I could start trusting him again. Two years is a long time, my guess is that he is emotionally attached if not more. My H lied and found ways to meet her even though she didn't live in the same state. I would confront him, but he will probably deny all.......at least thats what my H did. Let me know if you have any questions.

All,<P>Just wanted to let you know that it works the other way too.<P>My wife had (has?) a "thing" going with another man in another state. I knew what was going on, but until I had absolute irrefutable proof all I got were lies. They talked on the phone, had secret meetings, all the crap you all are seeing your spouses do.<P>I told her 8/1 that the only thing that would prevent a divorce is an email from her to him with a CC: to me that said there will be no more contact of any kind ever again. I have yet to see that email, so... draw your own conclusions. I'm giving it until 11/1.<P>InSane<BR>

What are your thoughts if indeed he loves this woman?<BR>2 years is a long time. That especially makes me think it was for much more than sex.<P>Do I stand a chance?<BR>Do I want to work this out? Why should I,<BR>if he loves her?<BR>Is it going to be worth it?<BR>I think I'd feel better if it were just sex.<P>What are your thoughts???

Dear HollyM,<P>Yes - this can be worked out. Yes, you can re-learn to trust him, but right now he's not trustworthy. Please don't confuse commitment and love with trust. Commitment and love are better with trust, but you can love him, and be committed to your marriage without it. It can come back, IF he earns it.<P>Your reasons for wanting to work it out are so simple. Divorce Sucks. (I'm sorry I'm so blunt tonight, I'm having a bad night.) The kids will be much better off, and so will you and your husband. What you trade, when you trade marriage for divorce - is a different set of problems. Both need to be overcome. It's easier to overcome infidelity issues than to overcome all the problems that come with divorce.<P>It is going to take a lot of motivation and commitment on your part, however. I'm not going to lie to you and say it is going to be easy, because it is NOT. But it will be worth it, and you can have the marriage you both dreamed of, if you want.<P>It can start with you. You may have to do 99.99% of the work, but the end result will be worth it.<P>Keep reading and posting. You can do this, and we are here to help you. <P>

Holly, <P>As someone who has been betrayed and has more recently been the betrayer, let me assure you that your marriage can be worked out. Even if he is "in love" with her, more likely it is a fantasy, and he will wake up and realize what he's losing just like so many of us on this site have. I KNEW I was in love with the OM. I KNEW IT. Uh, that is, until I realized I wasn't. I know that sounds silly, but it really was like that. I loved the FEELING I got with him, not him. My affair ended much more quickly than most here (3 months) and it never ran it's course, but still I came to the realization that it wasn't love. I say this: don't give up hope. It wouldn't be "better" if it was just sex, believe me. And keep hanging around this site to get great advice. There are so many really smart people here who have been where you are!!

New Beginning,<P>What you just said was more profound than you realize. <P>You loved the feeling you got..... Expand on that, and post a thread about it. I think many of us betrayed need to realize this, and understand this to overcome.<P>Help us all!<BR>

You said "You loved what you got?"<BR>That is interesting.<BR>Was it mostly a sexual relationship?<P>What about these relationships where there is not a lot of sex and it is more emotional, more love.<P>Maybe I should have asked "How do you know when he has stopped loving the OW?"<P>And don't say by actions.....he's never acted differently toward me. He's always put on a good show.