Alright all I am feeling really low tonight. My WH and I have spent most of the weekend together. I could tell that he was getting more and more quiet. We have a talk tonight and he says that he is finding it difficult to do the right thing. I said what do you mean and he said just being here. He thought the time we spent together was not bad but was basically just fine. He has been meeting all of my emotional needs and he said it is hard for him to do because he does not feel anything. I know he loves me (and he told me so) but it just hurts to hear these things. I asked if I was meeting his emotional needs and he said he could see that I was trying but he was not feeling it. He says it has been three months since DDay and he still does not feel it but NC only officially ended last week. He says he will not be one of the people on these boards two years later waiting for the feelings to return. He is worried about our move to Florida because the feelings might not come back.

I feel so low. It is like I get to the point that I feel like things are going good and then bang conversation and here we go I feel bad. I have not cried in weeks and I started crying when we were talking (not good I am sure).

My husband is a good man and I love him with all my heart but he is worth all the risk and effort. I just feel so low and feel like he might give up before we have given it the time and effort it needs.

Ok there is my fears in a nutshell. Hope someone is out there with some words of wisdom tonight.

Hope, his feelings for you will grow in direct proportion to his withdrawal from the OW. And in response to having his needs met. Withdrawl starts when contact ends so he has really just now started withdrawal. Y'all need to give this much more time. It took you a long time to fall out of love, it will take time to fall back into love.

And it will probably happen sooner if you get away from the OW house. Every time he drives past her house, he is reminded AGAIN of her. That makes recovery almost impossible, Hope. So I would strongly recommend getting out of there as you can.

And his feelings are going exactly to plan. They will go up and down for a while before he starts feeling anything. His feelings for the OW will eventually go away and be replaced with feelings for you. He just has to give it time.

I think this is probably normal for him but he does not think so. He thinks the feeling should be there by now and they are not. He did tell me that he as love for me, which I will say makes me feel great. He also says that he feels like things are like they were pre-a. He is just not happy.

So do we both keep doing our best to fill each other's emotional needs even though he is not feeling it? DO I go out of my way to kiss him, show him affection when I know he does not necessarily care?? I want to but just feel so unsure about the whole thing.

Hope, they usually DON'T feel anything at this point. It will take time. Until then, you show him as much affection, admiration, etc as you can. He will come around, but its going to take time. Its very unrealistic to expect feelings to come back overnight. It just doesn't happen that way.

I do think it is unrealistic to expect feelings to return over night and I am trying to be patient. When he gets quiet I normally ask him what is wrong or if he is ok. Should I be doing this??

Is there anyone else here dealing with the feelings of having their WS home and working on things but knowing their husband is not "in love with them right now"?? How do you handle those dreaded conversations where he expresses his feelings?

I am feeling so many doubts because of his feelings. He will say in one sentence that he knows it is going to get better and then in the next sentence he will say that he is not sure if it will or not. I know he is trying and I respect that so much. I guess I am just looking for how I should be controlling my feelings and reacting to these situations.

I love my husband and I want our marriage so I am scared silly that he might not get those feelings back.

Oh where is that lighthouse post when I need it? Have you read it?

Right now you need to come along side him and show him the way home. Listen to his worries and let him know you are there for him.

Would he post here? There are many others going through the same thing.

I would trust that his feelings will come back and just keep on doing fun things together.

Believer,

My WH does post here. He posted one last night but has not gotten to many responses. I will enrourage him to post one on his feelings. His last post was basically just about talking to me but not about his feelings. Maybe he would be willing to post one on that. It does not seem like there are alot of WS posting back to him.

I have not read the light post thing but I would like to. Anything to help get through this part of recovery. I know we can do this I am just struggling with how to stay on the rollercoaster without falling off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

the lighthouse post.....

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

Thanks Believer -

I believe that is what I am working at right now, being the lighthouse. It is stressful though. I want to be his light but I want him to feel it too. He will with time I know. I know we can do this. I want him to believe we can do it too.

I know I did not do well last night during our conversation. I want him to have a safe place to talk about his feelings. I want that safe place to be me.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: havinghope? ]</small>

I referred your WH to the home page "quick clicks", especially the one about restoring the marriage. You can read it too.

Dr. Harley describes exactly what you two are going through right now. Hang in there.

I truly know how you feel. I went through it but sadly it was all false recovery...WH was lying and still eating his cake behind my back. There i was busting my butt trying to give him EN and he was lying to me all the time.

If and if EVER i have my fourth recovery...and my WH still gives those sh*t speeches of not feeling blah blah crap...i will tell him dont come home and to go to hell!!!

I hope yours will turn out true though and hopefully a happy ending.

I do know that my WH is not in contact with OW but that has been only about a week. I feel that he is honest and is wanting recovery. I will check out the article you talked about Believer.

I think that a WS needs to be home during recovery. Trying to fulfill EN and regain feelings is hard from a distance. Although a little space now and then is nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

I would love to counsel with Dr. H but it is so expensive and I don't think my WH is ready for MC yet. He thinks we can get through this ourselves with the help of communication. We have been communicating so much better now that he is working on the marriage again.

I am praying for everyone on the board. I hope it gets better for all of us. It is amazing how much work is involved in recovery. Work but well worth it.

Anyone else chime in if they have any experiences with this early part of recovery. I would love to hear your experiences. I am also hoping so WS will chime in to post to my WH.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: havinghope? ]</small>

He thinks we can get through this ourselves with the help of communication. We have been communicating so much better now that he is working on the marriage again.

huge huge huger...(not a real word...) more huge...more huger...(not a real word... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
most huger...hugest most hugest redflag and pitfall....

you MUST...MUST seek counseling to assist you in this process....

part of his willingness to really reconcile and fix this...must be counseling...

soon enough his tune will change to..

lets quit talking about the affair.
lets quit bringing 'it" up..
lets just "move on"
lets just forget "it" ever happened....
lets not dwell on 'it"...

blah blah...

got a room big enough to hold an elephant...cause soon enough there's gonna be one sitting in right in front of you that no one is going to talk about...

find a counselor..
pro-marriage
today..
check churches
check employee assistant programs etc...

please for your sake and his..

ark...

threadjack..

zizzycool wrote...

If and if EVER i have my fourth recovery...and my WH still gives those sh*t speeches of not feeling blah blah crap...i will tell him dont come home and to go to hell!!!

oh boy do I agree with you...
bunch of useless sentiments and thoughts that people tell other people ...as if they are profound statements that hold so much great meaning in the universe...
what a bunch hoooey...

when people give the ole...Iloveyoubutamnotinlovewithyoucrap...and the ole...Ineverreallylovedyouthatway...crap-ooooeeeee

Here are my recommendations of things to do when being hit with that insane USELESS babble...

1. say "So what." Now tell me something important"

2. throw themselves on the ground grab their stomach and laugh till they cry their eyes out and pee their pants...

3. smile and say "OH now I see."

4. say "cool".

5. roll your eyes in your head until they fall out.

6. thank them for that profoundly useless piece of crap.

7. tell them thank you..and that they should be going now.....

we will now return you to previously scheduled programing...

ARK

My WH has never been a big talker and I am sure that is his issue with counseling. We have been having really good conversations recently. Discussing what was missing in our marriage before the A. I think that is a great start. I can see him trying to get back to a happy place and I want him to be happy.

Maybe I am more positive than others (never thought I would say that about myself) but I believe that it will work out for us with time and patience (one thing I have never been good at).

ark - You are tooooo funny.

havinghope - Listen to how ark talks. She really helped me to babble right back to my WH.

My WH was over 2 days ago. I told him I am getting a roommate (he has been living with OW for 11 months now). He told me that he is my H, and I should have consulted with him first.

I grabbed my stomach, started laughing, and spewed my coke out my nose. Told him maybe he should have consulted me before he hooked up with that pesky OW. Even he had to laugh.

Well, Hope, you are getting some excellent feedback here, from some of the best of the best. I do have to 100% plus another 100% agree with ark regarding counseling. THAT is what brought H out of the fog so quickly (IMHO), and me to a place where I have a place I can air my grievances in a safe environment for my H. I do have the temper. And pride. All of which were severely aggrevated with H having the A with my "best friend." Hm.

I picked the first MC. She is the best in the state, I have been told. H walked out of the third session. Then H and his IC invited me to their next session (H was on the verge of D), and now H's former IC is our MC. Perhaps if H feels like he is involved in choosing the MC, the idea will go over better. Our MC is pro-marriage, and a man. I think the man part worked for my H, and the pro-M part worked for me.

Anyway, it is important also to have a third party see and call-out unhealth communication patterns, actions, etc. Sometimes, when you live in these patterns for so long, even with best intentions of changing them, they are impossible to see. In a way, both H and I have been foggy about our own M for a long time.

As far as the things your H is saying and doing, sounds perfectly "normal" to me. Unfortunately A's happen enough to have recognizable patterns, but that is another thread.

I also believe, as does our MC, that recovery should happen with as much togetherness as possible. H really grabbed onto that advice. All of a sudden, we went from no contact (H's request), to doing EVERYTHING together.

As the fog wears off, your H will become himself more and more. I can't speak for your H, but mine says now that his feelings for me didn't go away, they were just buried under all the other crap H had piled on top of them. H says that he had to convince himself he was in love with OW to justify his A. He tried to make everything fit together nicely in his head, like a puzzle, when it is something that doesn't make sense. It is a mistake. A poor judgement. A hurtful act. In trying to justify that, he turned his entire world upside-down.

You are doing well. I am going to check out his thread now. Chat at you later.

SS

SS -

I will try to talk more to him about the MC but I don't want to push him to far. He is doing so good. Coming home and trying was a huge step for him. He has so many doubts but everyone seems to think that is very normal.

Did your husband have doubts?? My WH says that he knows he still loves me. I just think he feels like he is "not in love with me". I know that it takes time. How long have you been in recovery?? Did he experience feelings of being up and down? My WH was also on the verge of DV but now he is back and we are workin on it.

I am so happy for that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thank you for all your advice. Nice to talk to people who have been there before.

I posted to your H on his thread. Have you guys made deals not to read each other's threads, or should I copy and paste my response over here? I answered lots of your questions to him over there.

Let me know.

SS

SS -

We both read each other's threads. Don't know if that is good or not but we both feel we want to be honest with each other so there is no need to hide. Thanks for posting to him.

Your story is so similiar to mine it is almost scary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . So has your husband lost most of his doubts about your marriage or are you still having set backs once and awhile??

We are selling our house and considering a move to Florida (it is nice and sunny there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). It think it will be good considering all we have been through here. Both WH and I have job opportunities down there and his whole family is there. Of course there is Disney World too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

huge BS pitfall fogtalk from the other side...

the BS side...

I will try to talk more to him about the MC but I don't want to push him to far. He is doing so good. Coming home and trying was a huge step for him.

Do you see the insanity of that statement...

the belief that you can and are in control of anything he does...
that YOU alone would be responsible for pushing him to far...

what does pushing him to far mean? anyways......

expecting that he works on this for real is pushing him to far?...
expecting to build a better marriage than you had pre-affair is pushing him to far?...

My WH has never been a big talker and I am sure that is his issue with counseling.

hmmm poor victim husband.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
OR it could be true that he has never been a big talker....BUT that has nothing to do with learning how to talk and communicate...
two seperate issues...

you should go to counseling without him if need be....

or you will get stuck right where you are....

ARK