Ok I know I have had some advise on telling my feelings. The problem I still struggle if I should tell her or keep my mouth shut? I had spent some time with her over the weekend and it was hard for me. I am trying to meet her EN, telling her the things she needs to hear but I find myself feeling like this is the way things were prior to the A. If I dont express my feelings she knows there is something wrong, she can tell I'm not happy. If I tell her everything is ok then I am just lying to her.

If I tell her my feelings then she is down and depressed. I dont see were there is anyway to win..

RLL, find a happy medium and recognize that the way you feel right now will not be the way you feel next month. Your feelings will grow and get stronger as she learns to meet your needs and as you withdraw from the OW.

But what you say today may have deep lasting, negative effects on your W. You don't need to tell her each and every feeling right now. Just recognize that while you are going through withdrawal, you aren't likey to feel very strong feelings for your W......YET.

And you have the additional problem of being BRAND NEW to recovery. You have really just ended contact with the OW, yet are daily reminded of her by being forced to drive by her house.

Just remember that your feelings now are not permanent and are likely to grow, but the things you SAY today may cause lasting damage so please be careful in what you say. You don't have to express each and every feeling. And just know that what you are going through is VERY TYPICAL of most WSes.

Hang in there! You are doing just great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

P.S. the hard part of recovery is JUST BEGINNING. This won't be easy but it will be well worth it. But don't expect it to come easy or come overnight. The hard part is ahead of you both.

Does your W have the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs?

MEL
Thanks for your thoughts I will keep this in mind. It is hard not to tell her when she asks. She does have the books and she has read them, I however have not. I dont do much reading I normally fall asleep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: RLL1026 ]</small>

As a BS, I appreciate my H's honesty. I need to know what he is thinking and feeling. Yes, at times it hurts to know that he still thinks of OW and wonders what a life with her would be like. But if I know, then I know how and what I am really dealing with. By leaving your wife in the dark about your feelings, you are not giving her the chance to know the full truth and be able to deal with it. If she is asking the questions, she wants to know. She knows what she can and can't handle hearing. I feel if she is asking, you should respect her and tell the truth. That will lead to your recovery.

Just my opinion. Good luck to you.

RLL - You are in the early stages of recovery. If you read the "quick clicks" on the home page here dealing with restoration, you will see that your feelings are perfectly normal.

Right now you are attempting to regain a better marriage, but still have love feelings for the OW. What a miserable place to be.

You and your wife are both hurting, and both of you probably have your takers out. She is afraid and angry about the A. You are trying, but the feelings aren't there yet.

There are a bunch of WS's here that have gone through what you are going through right now. Hopefully some of them will pop in.

You need to tell her how you feel. Avoid blaming her for how you feel.

Do not expect her to 'fix' your feelings. All that she can do is understand how you feel. Just having someone understand how you feel makes a big difference.

You said, "If I tell her my feelings then she is down and depressed." That is one of the problems with getting married. If you care for someone, she will feel bad when you feel bad. But, that is the 'sharing' part of M--it isn't just sharing money and good times. It also includes sharing the bad times.

You may be underestimating her ability to handle your feelings. My W at first had difficulty with them, but much less than I feared. After a while, she became a real source of help and comfort. It really helps to have a person you can talk to with complete honesty.

Here's the problem with telling her how you 'feel' right now. You're up, you're down, you're left, you're right... In withdrawl how you FEEL changes by the hour.

If there are things that need CHANGING - by all means, share. But if you're just FEELING bad - why not give sit on it a day or so and see if you STILL feel that way. That was the best advice my counselor taught me - not to think I had to REACT on every feeling or thought immediatly. Sit on it - write it down if you need to - and then review it in a couple of days. If it still seems important, talk about it.

I think communication is VERY important - but the more productive it is, the better. I also agree that YOU reading those books would be a good idea. It doesn't do YOU any good to have your wife read them.

Hey there. I give you so much thanks for having the courage to come here and ask for assistance. My H came home to me and our boys about 7 weeks ago. We just got back from a trip to Disneyland. Fun fun fun!

Anyway, my H doesn't post here, but he tells me how he felt when he was foggy, versus how he feels now. Going off that information, I actually find it AMAZING that you are here. That to me shows me how much you do love your W.

My H said all the things you are saying, both to me and to himself. He also had an A with my "best friend" (I use the term loosely), who is a single mom, owns her own daycare business, and ended the A soon after it was confessed to me by H. Sound familiar? Eerie.

Anyway, my H says that his feelings for me never actually went away. They got buried under his fantasy he created in his head, to justify his actions. Because he knew he wasn't the "type" of person to have an A, he must have really loved OW. He tried to make his actions fit together like a puzzle, and in doing that, he turned his entire life upside-down. He now realizes that it happened. It was hurtful, a mistake, wrong. There is no justification, no making sense of it.

Once he let go of the fantasy, stopped putting energy into his feelings for OW, they disappeared. From what I have read on these boards, this is not "normal." I am simply sharing our experience with you, in case any of it can help at all. If it doesn't, disregard.

I do think MC helped save our M. It is hard to see those hidden, destructive patterns in communication, actions, day-to-day activities when you have lived them so long. It is invaluable to have someone say, "I see this and that." And then H and I have an opportunity to change.

I remember a turning point so clearly. H and I and the boys were driving to go hiking in our van, and I was basking in just being together (H was still living in his apartment, we were platonic, he still had in-love feelings for OW). H looks over at me and says that he was thinking about his feelings for OW the night before, alone in his apartment, and he realized how much energy he had to put into loving her. And that he remembered loving me was effortless, was natural.

I just smiled and nodded at him, but on the inside was jumping for joy. After that, he said his feelings just melted away for her, once he stopped feeding them with energy.

This could be so much blather to you. I do not want to offend. From what H has told me, it is scary and confusing at the place you are at now. You don't want to get stuck in the same M you remember as unhappy.

Well, the nature of an A is that your M will never be the same. Either way. Use this as a catalyst to have the best M you ever dreamed of. That is what H and I are doing. He does not regret coming back one bit. And either do I. We still have lots of work to do, but we are doing it together, just like we promised to do 13 years ago, exactly, tomorrow (anniversary!).

Good luck, and best wishes.

SS

I try to avoid telling my W things that I know will not have any positive reaction. It is hard when she ask. I do not by any means blame her for what I did, (at least I dont think I have)When we talk I make it clear that it is my fault.

SS

Our storys are very much the same. I hope things will work out for us as well as your situation is going. Your H is correct I dont want to be in the same place in our M that we were in for so many years. I have not considered MC yet. I still have several issues I need to work out before I can go and discuss how I feel with her and a MC. I dont want to hurt anybody any more than I already have.


Have a great anniversary!!


Thanks to all for the great suggestions.
RLL

R11, I think there is a difference between not telling her everything you feel when you feel it - and not communicating at all. The idea isn't to lie and tell her only the positive things and just what she wants to hear. The two of you still need to be able to open up and talk. Just don't unnecessarily hurt her. You know what I mean???

You know, my H began with an IC. After about 3 months (and a failed attempt at a MC I chose), H and his IC invited me to one of their sessions.

H's old IC is now our MC. Perhaps that is something you could look into. Take some time to figure out where you are at, where you want to go, and issues that you see, then maybe involve your W.

Please have hope that you can have a M better than you ever imagined. You and your W, your entire family, can make the journey of a better life. Use this time in your life as a "wonderful learning opportunity," as our MC calls it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your fears will subside. I know you are still so confused and fearful. Time will heal a lot of that for you. My H says that without his IC, and us eventually going to MC together, that this entire process would have taken a LOT more time.

In that light, why wait? Why prolong pain? Begin moving forward as soon as possible. There are still so many good times to be had! We had a BLAST in Disneyland. We have a great time every where we go now.

Please have hope. These things do work out. My H was where you are, and he has moved forward.

Lots of support and prayers to you.

SS

Individual counseling worked best for me, too. I needed to face my own issues - and SEE my own issues - before I was ready to own up to my share of the problems in our relationship. As long as I saw everything that was wrong as being my H's fault - it was difficult to move forward.

H4F
I know exactly what I mean, it is difficult because we have never opened up and talked to each other. Thanks for the suggestion.

SS

I had been seeing an IC for about four months. I dont think she help my situation at all. Her words of wisdom was to follow my heart. I'm sure I need to find another IC but I seem to be spinning in circles. Perhaps I will once I move. Thanks for your encourging words and prayers.
RLL

Follow your heart is not good advice. That is what my WH's OW tells him. So far following their hearts has caused her to leave her H and 12 year old daughter, lose her home, her self-respect. My WH has lost his family, his friends, his home, and is now completely miserable.

H4F
I also see so many things in our relationship as her fault. I still feel that I tried work on us many times and she would blow me off. I will see another IC but not until I move. Thanks for sharing, it means a lot.

Believer
I agree with you following your heart is not good advise, however hearing it from a professional only made my case stronger to be with the OW. If I was still following my heart I would do everything possible to be with OW.

thanks

Yeah, following the heart is not good advice. Actually, following anything is not really good advice in general. The search must begin inside.

If you were members of a church, that would be a logical place to start. Even if you are not members, most churches offer counseling.

Corny as it sounds, we live in a small city, next to a large city. I used to do all my business in the large city. Then I decided, why am I driving all over in the big city when all these resources are by my home in the small city???

So, I chose a small, local counseling center because it was close and looked welcoming and small and homey. Corny. Turned out, that is where I met my great IC, and where H ended up finding his great IC, who is now our MC. Totally random. I picked the place driving by, H was given a referral from the hospital (he had a mental breakdown on D-day and had to go to the ER). It is such a small world.

I don't know if waiting for a move to Florida that you are just contemplating is a good idea. Don't spin your wheels, either. Take this time and find an IC for you. Maybe try close to home, and work your way out.

Find someone on your medical plan, if you have one, and close to home. When you call to make an appointment, perhaps ask if the counselor has experience with infidelity, with M reconciliation, is pro-M. That is what we did. I also prayed about it, but I don't know how spiritual you are. I invited God into my decision-making, and asked Him to guide me.

Our MC is actually like a Marriage Coach. They give a bit more feedback than traditional MC. My H says he doesn't know how people can do this without that kind of help. And before his A, he NEVER believed in counseling. He thought it was a waste of money. Now he understands what a terrific resource the right one can be.

Take care.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RLL1026:
<strong> Ok I know I have had some advise on telling my feelings. The problem I still struggle if I should tell her or keep my mouth shut? I had spent some time with her over the weekend and it was hard for me. I am trying to meet her EN, telling her the things she needs to hear but I find myself feeling like this is the way things were prior to the A. If I dont express my feelings she knows there is something wrong, she can tell I'm not happy. If I tell her everything is ok then I am just lying to her.

If I tell her my feelings then she is down and depressed. I dont see were there is anyway to win.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, let me introduce you to the concept of "metacommunication". Metacommunication is communicating about communication. It's what you are doing in this post, and that's something you can do with your wife. So you tell her, "Honey, I need your help with something. I'm still having a lot of negative feelings. I'm afraid if I don't talk to you about them, I'm not being honest, but my experience is that when I do tell you, you get down and depressed and I hate that. What can we do?"

Good one El!! I like that! It's honest, but without the 'blame'.

Actually, this concept goes along with a book I've been reading. It's called the 'dance of anger'. It talks about why we tend to feel angry and resentful. Right at the top of the list is 'owning other peoples reactions'. As long as what you say is honest and said without blame and anger - her reaction is her choice. You already caused the pain by having an A - who it was with just compounded that pain. Talking about it does not cause new injury - it just brings up some of the pain. But you do have to talk about it in order to work through it. So NOT TALKING just keeps the pain there longer. It's NOT a lose-lose situation unless you decide to lie or avoid moving forward.