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Joined: Mar 2004
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If you guys haven't heard the news, Dad is back home...

After 8 days in Plan B, he ended the Affair and came back home.

Ok, so we had a few communications during the Plan B phase, but he is back home. He said he made every excuse in the world to drive by the house, check the mail do anything to try to get close to me.

When I changed the garage door opener it really seemed to open his eyes...

Problem is...I am having a hard time with my feelings. I was very angry the first day he had ended it. Anger has subsided. Now, I cant seem to let my feelings open up. I love him, but I am so afraid if being hurt again.

He assures me, he is here to stay. He changed his cell number and is having his PA go to the nursing homes for him.

I am very guarded, as I should be I suppose...but what can he do to reassure me. He says time will tell, and eventualy I will be able to trust him again.

My goodness, though, he lied to me for 6 weeks during our false recovery and I was blind sided...The signs were all there, you guys all knew, I am sure, but I just didn't want to believe he was still in his A and still lieing to me.

He is trying so hard now, he says he doesn't really mis OW much, and he looks forward to being with me and seeing me....but my heart is very guarded right now.

I guess my question is, what do we need to be doing in this first phase of recovery to get past the pain that I endured and start getting that trust back. What can he do to reassure me and what can I do to let my feelings open up to him.

[ May 23, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]

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mto3b,

What now ? ... well you have SH and MB coaching to help both of you out.

Other than that he has to do the work to earn your trust. He has to do the work to gain your love again. You have to let him in !.

I am gald he try to make thing right. Both of you belong to each other [Big Grin] .

Learn POJA ...

-rh-

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Hi mom congrats!

Counseling!!!
Counseling!!!
Counseling!!!

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mom -

I've been looking for you. I always knew that dad would be back. Yep, all this stuff sucks, but you can do this.

Keep reading and posting here. We love you and dad. This can be the begining of your mew life together.

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Mission accomplished for sure. Awesome...Your feelings now are natural and understandable...the journey is only beginning. You will have setbacks but you will continue to move forward towards healing.

You need a plan...the both of you...for complete recovery.
I will echo the others...counselling counselling counselling...
Read read read
Talk Talk Talk
Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen!

and...LOVE. NO LB'S!

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Dear Mom&Dadto3boys,

This is certainly good news. Hope it stays that way. [Wink]

It isn't over yet. Recovery is a journey that U 2 must take together. Hand in hand through good times and bad, recovery is achievable and I wish you both well in this journey.

Best to U both, hope we can visit together again.

Hugz,
L.

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Great! One piece of advice -- despite the LoveBusters, go through HN/HN lessons first. We tried LB first and nearly ended the M. LBs will drop away, the A will become less important, IF you focus on meeting each other's ENs in a way that is enjoyable for both of you.

The program is hard, and you can see from my qeustions to Harley, that we haven't made much progress, but we do both see how the program works.
Cherished

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Wow, Mom - that was fast!
I know it seems anything BUT fast from where you stand.

Well, Dad made this mess, and it's up to him to "clean it up" so that you feel safe. He has to earn your trust back. He's created quite a task for himself, hasn't he?

Your role in this is to be honest when you feel doubtful or insecure, and let him know how you feel and then the two of you can POJA how to address and alleviate those feelings.

Your role also is to avoid LB's.

Deep breath, patience, and (I know you've heard it a zillion times) time.

Glad to see you back on the boards.

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continue w/counseling w/SH, read HN/HN and SAA again, prayers to you and your family.

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Hi MOM,

Sorry to be the downer here but don't break open the champagne yet.My WH said similar things to me that sounded so sincere back in February and look where I am now.I really hope your WH is being true this time but I don't know.Be very guarded and don't give him too much slack.

My WH told me time would tell and I would just have to wait and see how much he wanted to make our marriage better,etc but that didn't last.Your WH may keep doing this revolving door act so make him do WORK.Serious work.He needs to be 100% in this at all times because once he starts to miss OW again,and he WILL,he is going to need to guard his heart from that withdrawal again.My WH had told me "It's SO over" so many times and I am about to be D'd.Just be extra cautious.

O

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Don't be so quick to believe.

Its not over until its really over. And he has done virtually NOTHING to prove himself to you yet.

Take it slow, and question everything.

Trust has to be earned. He's said all these same things to you before. All they do is get sneakier.

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Thanks for all the responses. We are taking it slowly! Like I said, my heart is very guarded right now, but things are so different this time around. I know it is hard to bleive as dad said all this before, but his ACTIONS are different this time. And actually he never areally said any of this stuff before. he would always talk about how much he missed OW and how he wasn't sure if it would work with us, etc, etc...

this time, he just talks about how he is looking forward to our future all the time and how much he DOESN"T MISS OW! He is touching me and reassuring me. He is upbeat when I talk to him and happy to be home.

It is just different this time. I cant explain it.....

We are doing lots of fun stuff coming up. Racing, camping, beach, etc...we are focusing on FUN and not focusing on R or anything like that. I think we will be ok this time.

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Focusing on fun together can only be good. It is a great way to reconnect and truly fall in love with each other again. BUT - it won't take away what happened or the underlying issues, so I would strongly heed the advice to do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire at some point soon. Working on your relationship can be fun.

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Mom, it is great to hear that. GOD is answering your prayer. I feel good for your 3 boys. COntinue to work on the lessons.

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Glad to hear your news. Your feelings are all normal. THough it feels different this time, please stay guarded, make sure you have a plan to enforce no contact and continue counseling. I thought the same thing about H but OW kept on coming and he didn't resist too hard. Contact, albeit only phone, continued for quite some time after his return following a three month Plan B, even with SH's counseling.

Hang in there--one day at a time.

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I came on looking for an update from you!

I knew you guys would be heading to OK, and I am pleased to hear where you are.

Your guardedness is a good thing, it will keep you from making it too easy for him!

We are in a really good place ourselves right now, and we had a few false starts too. Once he made the 100% committment I knew we were on a good path. the key is to GO SLOW. During the false recoveries I thought we were coasting easy. NOPE.

Now, the OW has made a few contacts, trying to start up again, and I will admit that I LB'ed big time, but the reality was he didn't fall again. I expect her to try, but I am confident I have won this war.

Be easy on him. I do not bring up the A at all.(the MC has and we can talk there) I have set some very specific ground rules (we changed the cell num and she got the new one)

He is busy with family stuff (yard work, baseball, bike riding, sitting around and reading) in his limited free time.

I am very affectionate and talking him up all the time, it is a big EN of his. The more I meet his EN, the more he meets mine. Fair, nope. easy, not at first but it is becoming more natural. No LB, no DJ. If I am upset it is how I feel, not how he makes me feel.

One reality for me was staying away from this site. The daily dose of others pain put me in a heightened anxiety, and made me more suspicious. I find I am doing better when I stay away.

I told him I need him to be my best friend. I am treating him like he is that and my lover too.
Friendly, fun, teasing, respectful. I whisper that I desire him. It is like the early years again.

will it always be a bed of roses? No, but I know what I almost lost, I know what I used to have, I know what I want and I have the tools and know how to have it all. It is worth it!

I am really happy for you. Don't make it harder by rushing, over analysising or smothering him. Keep up with the MC and IC - very important to vent there and mediate there - make your home a loving and secure place for him, you and the kids

Congrats!


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