*Officially getting down off my high horse*

After about 6 months here at MB, H2B has had an EA. I do not think it was a PA. He met her at his work about 3 weeks ago, swapped numbers and they were texting each other. She knew about me and she knew we were engaged. They met once early last week, he says just for a drink for an hour. He insists nothing happened. Im pretty sure I dont know her.

The thing that hurts the most is I found out because I discovered the texts he sent on his phone: HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO END IT WITH ME.

His brother and my best friend were with me all day yesterday. I have been calm and rational mostly. I have tried to keep MB in mind. I told him I have not made a decision yet but if i decide to stay with him there will be strict conditions: NC, PORH, POJA, moving away, leaving his job and he will open up his life to me 100%. He will change his phone no also.

I am pretty sure he is not in FOG. He says he didnt mean anything he said to her and that he wants to marry me and he loves me. He says he didnt love her. He is completely aware of what he has done and has accepted responsibility. As far as I know, he has not told any further lies.

The worst thing is: I HAVE MY FIRST EXAM TOMORROW MORNING. He said he was going to finish it with her and tell me after my exams. But just a few hours earlier he was texting her saying the exact opposite.

My entire world has been shattered. I dont know what to do. I already feel married to him, and Im committed to him (we live together). I want to fight for our M but how stupid would I have to be to marry him now?

Please help me.

Try to get through your exams the best you can. Sheesh - what rotten timing.

I would not marry him to soon. Sounds like he still has issues. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you can get through it.

I'm sorry babygirl.. so sorry. I think he is addicted to relationships.. like needing someone new..someone who doesn't know him very well. Like my husband still didnt' give the OW his last name. HA HA. If it was me......just me....before I'd definitely told you to just stop the wedding and move on. But I know what love is now, and I can't say it. I wish I was strong enough to do it and expect others to do it too.

My advice: push the wedding a bit.. take a vacation somewhere...(if you ahve some money that is). I think your H cannot help it. He will have emotional affairs. I let my husband have his privacy before, I don't like to be a leech on anyone.....but that has stopped.. I always want to know "why he does this..what time? how come..?" You know even this annoys me so much. I just stop because it will drive me more crazy than scare me.. checking for things I don't want to find.

Maybe there are other issues that your husband have that cause him to have EA so easily. It's like being a professional liar. I think about all the stuff that my H would have told the OW about me, and he probably thinks I say the same stuff to other people about him. Although I know I can make damage with words.....I'm not very good with my anger,a nd I've learned to control, but its mostly his fault, also it is your husband's fault that he keeps on having EA which mostly would turn into an PA..its addictive to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its about the OW or you .. its about your HUSBAND! He has to find some other hobbies....

Same thing for my husband......its an addiction there is something lacking inside of them. Know that you cannot complete your husband or excuse his faults.. well your Husband to be...but almost your husband.. he already made the choice to be commited to you.

I even went as far as asking my husband if he wanted an open marriage. I asked several times, and the answer have been "NO". Then he tells me "I wouldn't be mad if you go out with someone else...." I think its jsut the GUILT killing him. That he was my only and first and I was his first and only.. and it is no longer like that. He had another woman and he wants to even the score, but I am not about that.

your H2B is just addicted to a fantasy that will ruin his life.

Courage.. keep up plan A...talk to him. Don't expect him to keep his promises because you will break down just like I do. I am expecting to have him fall out anytime and contact the OW even when he says he has not or will not and it was stupid and that something is wrong with his brain. I bet your H2B tells you the same thing.

Well...........he is addicted to affairs....just he feel something is missing. could be disappointment with jobs, childhood issues, something is wrong and he fill that with having affairs.
I sound like a psychologist, but I know that's my H's problem. And it could your H2b's problem.

Keep your head up.. I'm so sorry this happens during exams... sleep.. please sleep.. I feel like sleep is the best medicine.

Thank you so much, believer and Harudah.

I have held it together today. I have had WH2Bs brother with me all day, who I love dearly. I am afraid of losing him due to obvious family loyalties, but he has promised he will always be there when I need him.

WH2B disappeared for most of the day, I am pretty sure he was not with OW because I have confiscated his phone and from searching the house, his car and all his pockets I do not believe he has the number otherwise.

We have not spoken again since this morning. I have not cried at all. I have been made to feel very loved by WH2Bs brother and my other friends. I think WH2B will lose some of his oldest friends over this.

I cant focus on anything, my mind is too busy still trying to take this all in. I dont think it has hit me yet. I think the worst is yet to come.

I would like to get away: I finish the exams on 9th June and have been trying to organise my options.

At the moment I think it might be worth a try, but Im so confused and I have never been so hurt in all my life. I dont think he loves me anymore, and he hasnt got the courage to say it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

He is probably staying with you out of guilt.

-OR-

He doesn't want to lose the benefits of being with you, but he hasn't forgotten about her AT ALL.

-OR-

Breaking up would be too much of a hassle for him to go through with it.

Probably all three reasons are factoring into this.

Ask yourself: Is this all I'm worth?

You aren't married to him. I recommend kicking his [censored] out of your life. Only if he begs and pleads to come back should you *consider* giving him a chance.

If you don't do this, he will probably always wonder if he shouldn't have "followed his heart." He will probably harbor resentment toward you.

Please consider my advice very seriously. I am a recovering jerk and I know how they think.

I am only being this blunt because I know how people like this think and no one else may be as honest with you--out of concern for your feelings.

I wish you the very best and the greatest happiness.

God bless,

Jg

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: john_g ]</small>

You have been given a gift......a view into the future...you asked "how stupid would I have to be to marry him now"...you know the answer, very stupid.

You have been played by a narcissitic personality, nothing you thought you knew about him is true.... he will continue to do these things... why? cause he can, you enable him if you exempt him from the natural consequences of revealing himself as untrustworthy, and a skirt chaser to boot. He clearly has little committment or even understanding of what marriage is....probably just a pursuit activity for him....and you will be back her a few years, a couple small children, trying to "make" him into the man you want and deserve....kicking yourself for your decision to marry him....this isn't about forgiveness, or judgeing your h2b, this is about using your brains, and realizing you are a poor judge of men.... thank God you were saved, apply this knowledge and MB stuff, and pick a better guy....you have lots of time, and there are plenty to choose from.

However, if you give into the notion he will be the man you want because of his great love for you (ie he becomes your rescue project) then at least have the sense to delay the marriage for a year minimum, and start looking at him without rose colored glasses, my guess is you won't like what you see.....and you will realize your own need to get a lot better at judging relationships.

btw, you will learn a lot more about him when you call off the marriage, and require he participate in MB stuff....if he complies, well maybe can work...take at least a year to tell anything useful...but my guess is he will resist, get angry, manipulative, blaming and coerceing you in every way he can (cause he knows you)...and he will threaten to date others, the whole deal....such people react poorly to consequences, they prefer to make their own rules....you have absolutely nothing to lose....call it off, and tell him what he must do to continue the relationship, and see what happens....it will be an eye opener.....and oh yeah, stop the sex (if applicable), that is all he wants anyways, and it is why you feel married, and confusing yourself.... Lastly don't beleive for a second this is his only indiscretion....ask him for a polygraph, that too will be interesting (his reaction, and how he does)....don't be stupid, this is not a little bump in the road, this is a major earthquake....act accordingly.

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Thank you for all the advice, I hear what you are all saying.

Im not trying to change him. He is what I want, as he is. He made a mistake but I am now 90% sure he didnt sleep with her. He has filled me in very honestly on the details. He says he loves me but doesnt know if he wants to marry me. He informed me of the LBs I was guilty of. I am aware he may be rationalising what he has done.

I want to save this. We both want him to make up his mind in the best way possible, so we have agreed on a plan. It includes plan A, honesty and just generally being good to each other.

I have 2 weeks til the end of my exams. After that, if he is still undecided, I will leave, but without officially ending it. He then has a chance to experience life without me and miss my plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What we have is too good to give up on. I know what he is feeling isnt real, our memories are real.

I am coping very well at the moment, exam went ok today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all so much

I broke down last night. I cant deal with this anymore. He is wearing my engagement ring on a chain round his neck. I asked him if i could have it back because i feel empty without it. He told me to stop pushing him.

I feel like he already knows he doesnt want me. I begged him to stop doing this to me, and i said i just wanted everything back to the way it was. He says he loves me, and he just feels something isnt right. He says he doesnt know what that is.

I dont think this has anything to do with OW. He said he told her he was having doubts and she suggested he should tell me he slept with someone else. He still insists nothing happened between them, and he says he doesnt want to see her.

At the moment I dont know what to do. I have today and most of this week free. What action could I take now, so i feel like im doing something to help the situation?

I was thinking about going and getting my hair cut. I dont have much energy to do anything at the moment. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Im in complete agreement with John, you are worth a lot more than what his taking you for. He is playing with your feelings (ha...ha..ha..ha..ha..) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> M is no game. Its time to aquire wisdome.

This is truly Bad Timing, or is it. Maybe its Gods way of telling you this might not be the person for you (Im in LOVE.. Duuu realy what Love?). Yes men do think they can get away with murder, and baby you should let him know he has to respect your M to be. If you dont let him know this you won't make it in marriage. Its all about commitment, trust, comunication, Honesty, etc. etc. , and yes "Love" if all these things arn't their it going to be a real up hill battle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You are still in time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (20 years New)M is one of the if not the bigest decishion of your life, and if his not commited and is playing with your fellings, I truly think its time to YES "Call it OFF". But first sit down with him and let him know were you stand, and look in his eyes (no woman has been able to loke in my eyes and lie as of today.. they tend to turn away). Tell him he needs to be honest about this OW thing and if he plans M than he has to make some very serious
commitment, and if you have any dought than Plan B with no mercy theirs only weeks to the wedding you know.

If ive been a bit strong in my coments, Its only because I care, and I know all at MB would join in in wishing you a "Quick Awakening" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> before its to late.

Best Wishes, and Godspeed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FCalunga

WS(37)
BS(38)
M17
3 kids
In The Recovery Room

kjs, you are not taking care of yourself very well, this should not be about him, or fxing him, or wishful thiinking....this should be about you, and your well-being....This is an extremely unhealthy relationship for you, a this much disarray will only be 100x wose if you marry, he is trying (not maliciously, but by virtue of who he is) to manipulate you....Try this, ask him to take a polygraph test (honesty) and watch his reaction (anger)....and/or simply tell him you want some time alone for a month or so....and watch him (he will pursue you hard if he sees you getting away)....he is a most likely a selfish (if not narcissitic) controller in training...and you have been played well...this is NOT how committed, emotionally stable/honest prospective mates behave....and you are way way too desperate.

Leave the relationship for a while....if he is worthy he will wait, and properly earn his way back....STOP doing his work for him, and quit being so naive about "believeing" him....why would you beleive a liar? Too his credit, he at least says he is unsure about marrying....but I suspect that is probably more about manipulateing your emotions, and escaping the consequences of his infidelity...I also suspect the comment about the ow telling him to tell you he slept with her/somebody is an attempt to confuse you when you discover that to be true (and it probably is, if he slept with you while dating and uncommitted....he will with others too).

regardless of whatever is true, this is all very serious, cannot be unravelled in a few weeks (will take minimum of a year with your rose colored glasses off)...to see his true nature, and consistent HEALTHY behavior....you are so so young, don't wreck your life....there are plenty of others guys and opportunities ahead of you...if this one is not right....you made a huge mistake moving in together and playing house....learn from this, and do not make the same mistake again..

Hi KS,

First, you must know I do know how much this is hurting you. I almost married my HS boyfriend. We dated from the time I was 14 till 18, and had the rings. Then he left me, he'd fallen for another woman. I was devastated and cried every day for 3 months. They married and I recently heard that she had left him several times because of his temper and financial issues. They have two children, and are about to file bankruptcy... I thank my lucky stars every day that I did not marry that man at 18.

Then I met my exH. We married just days before my 20th birthday. He had temper issues, could be cruel (to others) and was very controlling (to others). The warnings were there. I guess you can see how that played out... the (to others) part quickly applied to his new wife. I tried and tried, I got him to MC on two separate occasions, only to have him quit after a few sessions. I got his family involved. I wasted my 20's with this man. Of all the mistakes I've made in my life, marrying this man was the worst, and I'd take it back in a heartbeat if I could. How I’d re-live my 20’s if I had a chance… girl, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about that. I married him because I was young and weak. I’ll always kick myself that I could not find a better way to deal with that situation. Always.

Dear, you are 20 years old. You are supposed to find a man you love and trust, marry him, and deal with the normal problems marriage and life WILL throw you.

You are not supposed to go into a marriage with the issues you are dealing with. The red flags are EVERYWHERE. You are starting off 10 feet in the hole, how are you two going to handle the EXTRA, normal problems that come up. You two have NOT had a successful engagement. The engagement period should be a period of reflection... before taking the biggest commitment of your life.

Reflect, girl, Reflect!

After you get over the biggest heartbreak I'm sure you've ever experienced, you will be so thankful you didn’t marry this man. He was important in your life, but clearly not marriage material. What would a really smart woman do? Look at this for what it is, and say 'I deserve better'. And move on. You cannot give your life to a man just because you have invested a bit of time. You haven’t 'lost all this time’; you've had a relationship that ran its course. You are wiser than you were when you started dating him, YES? I'd bet you'd pick a better man next time, don’t you think?

No matter what, put off the engagement indefinitely. He’s involved with another woman. Period. You’ve read a bit here, you know it usually takes two years of recovery work to get over an A, even an EA. If you marry this man sooner than two years from now, well, you’re just begging for trouble. I still suggest you get out a live a life. So many people here can tell you how much fun those two years of recovery are… what a miserable way to start a marriage. Don’t you think so? What would you tell a friend or loved one, if they were in your shoes?

I know this is horrible for you so please enlist your friends and family for support. Take extra good care of yourself - Dru

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ks2001:
I discovered the texts he sent on his phone: HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO END IT WITH ME.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he didnt mean anything he said to her and that he wants to marry me and he loves me. He says he didnt love her.]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Two pretty contradictory statements. So, he is telling each of you the same things...that he doesn't love the other and plans to end it with her. Icky.

This kind of cheating/gameplaying before you are even married...at a time when you two are supposedly still deeply in-love, before years of bills, children, etc. doesn't bode well for the future. It speaks less of unmet needs than it does of a basic character flaw.

Sorry to be so blunt, but my best advice is to count your lucky stars that this came out in time to cancel the wedding.

Kathi

KS,

People here have been through unbelievable heartache and are wiser for it. Check out the # of post of the people who have resonded to you.... You are getting pretty good advise here, in case you are wondering. Please take care of yourself. - Dru

I hear what you are all saying. I really do.

I know you all think I am young and daft, but I really think it could work if we both wanted to. It has worked for 4 years. He is a good person, and he is marriage material.

I have 2 weeks to decide what I am going to do. We have talked and planned to be good to each other, and then I will see what signs of hope I have.

We just had a really good evening. I think it was good he saw me break down last night, because he now knows the depth of pain I have been feeling. I dont know what is going on in his head at the moment, but I will talk to him later.

Please understand that this is worth fighting for. I just need help on how to go about it. I have plenty of time to leave, but I just want to give it a try first.

Thank you everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cancel the wedding...

really....

You are going to be making a HUGE mistake if you go through with the wedding...

He needs to prove himself to you... BEFORE you say your vows.

If you accept him now without him proving himself worthy of you ... you show him that you don't value yourself very much.

If you don't value yourself much .... why should he?
Pep

KS,

Things you need to know about yourself if you are ready to get married to this guy: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say you want to fight for this - that it's worth fighting for. Imagine the emotional spin cycle you're in now and what it's costing you. Imagine paying that for the next 5 years until he decides to end the jerk game with you and leave you.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What type of relationship do you deserve, based on who you think you are, what you bring to the relationship, etc.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do his actions prove he respects you and your feelings and hold you precious?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do his actions say that he takes you for granted - that you lack the self-esteem to kick his *ss to the curb before you lock yourself away for life in a marital commitment? in other words, sister; how is he reading you, based upon his behavior, not on his luvy-duvy words of assurance to you</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How would he respond to a woman of strength - a woman who says, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will only have a covenant relationship with someone who holds me as his one-and-only - and if that isn't you (and by your actions, it's not), there is someone else who wants me that much. And I'm willing to give myself the time to find such a man. I'm young. I'm patient. I'm worth it!!!!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
So, what do you think? Do you deserve such a man? Or do you train the man you have now to treat you as yesterday's soggy cereal? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO END IT WITH ME.
And why would he say this to her only 6 weeks before his wedding? (see next statement)
He made a mistake but I am now 90% sure he didnt sleep with her.
You're sure because???

WH2B disappeared for most of the day, I am pretty sure he was not with OW because I have confiscated his phone and from searching the house, his car and all his pockets I do not believe he has the number otherwise.
He tells her he loves her and is going to leave you. Why would you imagine he does not have number memorized?

Please understand that this is worth fighting for
Maybe.
BUT, you better do your fighting for it BEFORE you get married.
Hurts now yes, but will hurt 1000 times more after a year or two of marriage.

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ks2001:
<strong> I hear what you are all saying. I really do.

I know you all think I am young and daft, but I really think it could work if we both wanted to. It has worked for 4 years. He is a good person, and he is marriage material.

I have 2 weeks to decide what I am going to do. We have talked and planned to be good to each other, and then I will see what signs of hope I have.

We just had a really good evening. I think it was good he saw me break down last night, because he now knows the depth of pain I have been feeling. I dont know what is going on in his head at the moment, but I will talk to him later.

Please understand that this is worth fighting for. I just need help on how to go about it. I have plenty of time to leave, but I just want to give it a try first.

Thank you everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one thinks you are young and daft...coming here, and asking for advice is a substantial validation you have good sense. Listen ks, work on this all you want, who knows what may happen....that isn't the real issue...the real issue is DO NOT get married now....he has served you notice he is not ready. This cannot be fixed in a few weeks, will take a year minimum and close adherence and accountability to sound marital behavior (since you are living together). Your circumstances are NOT special...this site (and the world in general) is populated by people in circumstances exactly like yours....and have not fared well. You have been granted a tremendous 2nd chance....make sure BEFORE you marry, he is truly who you need him to be...chances are most likely he is not. LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD AND ADVICE....do not listen to your emotions, they are betraying you... This is not about whether your h2b is a "bad" person who betrayed you purposefully...and now sees how wonderful you are so you "win" him back...this is about character, and maturity....he has demonstrated he has neither...both by his actions, and after he got caught...Maybe he will someday have such, but he does not now....do not make him your project....or let him manipulate your emotions into marriage and (eventually pregnancy)...then you are truly trapped. Let him prove himself for a long time first....and if he resists or won't (and my guess is he won't, instead he will play games with you) then decide....what is the rush now? Be smart ks, be smart.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ks2001:
I know you all think I am young and daft, but I really think it could work if we both wanted to. It has worked for 4 years. Heis a good person, and he is marriage material.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure he has a lot of good qualities. But what, exactly, makes him "marriage material" in your eyes?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have 2 weeks to decide what I am going to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why just 2 weeks? Trust me, you need a lot more than 2 weeks of his being on good behavior to justify proceeding with marriage to a man who'd already shown himself capable of simultaneously telling two women that "you are the one I love and I am leaving her".

kathi

Knowledge, KS2001. Think about the incredible value of knowledge. Knowledge could've saved 3K people on 9/11; and it can save you too, right now.

You needed advice. You asked a group of people who have had first-hand experience in your situation for an answer. Virtually every person has told you to wait at least a year or to dump him altogether.

Now you are telling us you are going to trust your heart.

Jeremiah 17:9:
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?"

You can't trust your own heart.

If you are smart, you will let people who know better make this decision for you. Even if you have to come here daily and wrestle it out to find the strength, you will find willing helpers here. I know what it's like to be compelled by emotions. I'm the one struggling with sin and I'm amazed at the longsuffering these folks have. Listen to their advice. You will be happier in the end.

Jg