I posted this over on "Just found out" as well...

My W and I have been separated the last 3 months because of my problems with depression. She filed for divorce last week because she said she just needs to have a goal and move toward it whether it be reconcilliation or divorce, she just couldn't stand being in limbo. Anyway, since we separated she has been talking with the D neighbor guy, A LOT. The other night I tried to call her at home and she wasn't there (she earlier stated that she didn't feel well and would just be reading at home). So I went to the house, she wasn't there. I pretty much new that she was at the neighbors. I thought, okay maybe she's just watching SNL and then she'll be home. Nope.

At about 1:30am I decided to just walk around the neighbors house (it was storming too). I heard, what I thought was people having sex. Granted this was through the walls of the outside of the house but it sounded like what it sounds like when the bed is banging. Know what I mean? This along with music playing. I don't know if my mind was playing tricks on me or what but I was so distraught.

I immediately called over there and got the answering machine. I said I can't believe you guys are doing this (pretty calmly I might add) and I want into my house (I was locked out). I called a couple more times asking if they wanted me to call the police to let me in or what. Lo and behold the police show up a few minutes later. They go next door, get the keys from her, I get in ...

Skip ahead to the next day. She calls me on my cell phone, all disgusted "You think you know everything don't you", "This is why I filed, I feel like I'm being stalked", ...

I ask to come over and talk, and I do. I mention nothing of what I heard. She says she was just over watching a movie, then she was staying there on the couch because she didn't like being alone in our house during the storm (she is very afraid of storms). She said the one thing she would never do is hurt me like that. She has been hurt before (not by me) and knows the feeling of being betrayed. My wife has never been dishonest with me and has never given me any reason to doubt her honesty. She is the best Christian I know (I know, I know, even Christians have affairs) and is really struggling with whether or not a divorce is the right thing to do. We have been getting along great, she was even thinking that maybe we could work this out.

To make a long story long... I never did mention what I heard. Can I be sure of what it was? No. The police did tell me she had a bed all set up on the couch. My delema is, do I mention what I heard (what sounded like people banging on a bed)????? We seem to have gotten past the part of her staying over there. I love my wife dearly and regardless of whether she is/was having an affair, I want to work things out. I truely believe her when she tells me she is in no condition to have a relationship, I put her through hell. So, that is the question, Do I mention what I thought I heard or do we move on since we seem to have moved beyond that night????

My delema is, do I mention what I heard (what sounded like people banging on a bed)

yes learning lots you do mention it if..

1. you want to take focus off of your issues and place focus on her...which be interperted as blaming her....

2. you want to keep emptying her love bank....

3. if you want this to drag out longer than it has to....

if you want those things to happen then you mention it...

if you want things to get better you should try..

1. seriously and aggressively dealing with your own depression...that is your responsibility to fix and manage...
are you on meds
are you in counseling...

2. next you should be charming and plan Aing her butt off...
meaning that you show her the changes YOU have made over and over again on a consistant basis until the changes are no longer changes but are the real new you...

3. next big storm you call her on the phone and if no one answers you say...dear I know it's storming and i know they scare I called to tell you that I hope you feel safe..and I am thinking aobut you.....and you hang up....

So what exactly is the hell you put her through and what changes are you making....

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> My delema is, do I mention what I heard (what sounded like people banging on a bed)

yes learning lots you do mention it if..

1. you want to take focus off of your issues and place focus on her...which be interperted as blaming her....

2. you want to keep emptying her love bank....

3. if you want this to drag out longer than it has to....

if you want those things to happen then you mention it...

if you want things to get better you should try..

1. seriously and aggressively dealing with your own depression...that is your responsibility to fix and manage...
are you on meds
are you in counseling...

2. next you should be charming and plan Aing her butt off...
meaning that you show her the changes YOU have made over and over again on a consistant basis until the changes are no longer changes but are the real new you...

3. next big storm you call her on the phone and if no one answers you say...dear I know it's storming and i know they scare I called to tell you that I hope you feel safe..and I am thinking aobut you.....and you hang up....

So what exactly is the hell you put her through and what changes are you making....

ark </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you. That is exactly it. I feel like if I do, then I will just be emptying her LB. Up until this point I had been making huge deposits that I could see. I fear that I made a huge withdrawl Sat night and I don't want to take any more out.

I am on meds and in counseling every week. Both my MD and C say they have seen tremendous improvements in me as has my wife. The hell I have put her through is with my depression, compulsive buying, financial trouble, being so far out of touch with my family that they were completely ignored for the last few years. My wife was very sick a couple years ago and that put me into depression and I didn't know how to help or be there for her, so I wasn't there. Last straw, I almost committed suicide but couldn't do it and ended up shooting my gun off in the house with both her and my son home. She had me arrested which was the hardest thing in the world to do for her, but she didn't feel safe. I scared the hell out of her. Now I've been learning all I can about myself, getting myself better, being a better dad and trying to rebuild trust...

don't know what to say but just know there is one more person praying for you and to please give everything over to him. please continue w/the counseling but also know that God is the best counselor of all, he's free and always available. As the famous poem (Footprints) says that these are the times when Jesus is carrying us. God bless, RR

Thank you. I am trusting in God. I'm asking Him what I should do. I'm just so torn up right now.

learninglots - You might put the gun in someone else's keeping right now. It is very stressful going through this, but you will feel better if you fight for your marriage.

Stay in Plan A, and keep working on you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> learninglots - You might put the gun in someone else's keeping right now. It is very stressful going through this, but you will feel better if you fight for your marriage.

Stay in Plan A, and keep working on you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, the guns are gone. I've decided to just rely on the Lord, get myself better, be a better day and keep on with plan A. I really can't be sure of what I heard. I guess I just have to trust my wife. I just hope I'm not being too naive. Does it really make a difference? NO, I love her just the same and want to make things better.

Having a hard time, really wanting to LB and call and tell her these things... What to do?

learning...

call and unload on her....if...

1. you want to deflect from the real issues that got you out of the house in first place...and get tangled in a game of yuh-ha...nah-ha...yuh-ha..nuh-ha...

2. you want to try to explain a grown man being outside a neighbors house listening inside...

3. you want to say the words that you are done with chaos and game-playing....but that you act 100% differently from that..by demanding you get in your house on a Saturday...for what rational reason did you need in there in the first place...

4, you want to flush down the toilet any good work you have done so far....

if those are things you want to accomplish...
call away....

ark

follow your words w/actions. do what you can for as long as you can. Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us (whether they show it or not) and it is better to love our enemies for that is the true test of our faith and obedience to God. I am really generalizing the prindiple but i think you get my drift. prayers to you.

ark- thank you for the perspective. I'm just so hurt, confused, angry, sad, ... you get the picture. I'm a wreck. You're right though, that is not what I want to do.

RR- Thank you. I need advice from those strong in the Faith. Unfortunately all I get from family is "forget it" "get a lawyer" (which I have), "get on with your life and forget about her". All easy for someone to say who is not in my shoes. Not easy to hear though. I did a lot of praying at lunch, mostly for my wife. Keep with God, keep with God I keep telling myself; John 16:33. Just have to keep reading my stick notes of scripture by my computer...

Thank you all.

learning lots..
tell your family that the truth is that when you at home and at your worst...was when your wife should have left you...

because you in theory had left her then...
tell them that you are getting healthier and healthier each day...and you are full of hope..

how is your plan a going..
do you spend any time with her or your son....

are you meeting any needs

are you charming her socks off...

ark

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> learning lots..
tell your family that the truth is that when you at home and at your worst...was when your wife should have left you...

because you in theory had left her then...
tell them that you are getting healthier and healthier each day...and you are full of hope..

how is your plan a going..
do you spend any time with her or your son....

are you meeting any needs

are you charming her socks off...

ark </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am full of hope! I have been spending lots of time with my 5yo son and our relationship is going beyond what anyone can dream. I am trying to meet my wife's EN but it is tough when she wants space and lives in another house. We do go out to lunch about once a week and that has been great. I'm becoming the man both she and I always wished I was. She just told me yesterday that she has probably made the best husband ever for some other woman. I hope it is her!

i have been in church all my life and have been a believer since i was 8yrs old. of course i did many things in my teens and in my R w/my husband that i'm not proud of. within the first couple of years we were married i realized that i could never be a testimony if i continued to act the way i did and then i did a 180. needless to say my H had a hard time dealing w/it because he wasn't a believer and i wasn't the person he M. of course he went to church w/me and even came forward and said he was a believer as well and was baptized. i'm not saying that he isn't a believer, only him and God know if he was truly sincere at the time.

then a few years ago i realized i went too extreme in trying to lead my H to God and started to back off. but in my backing off i still was not the wife my H needed or what God wanted me to be. so now the line has been drawn in the sand and i'm back on my way to God. yes, it's sad that it took many of these things to happen to get us where we are but God wants us to come to him and he is a great comforter. i have a lot of trouble right now w/discernment, knowing what God's will is and trying to fact if is truly the will of God or if it's just the devil in sheep's clothing pretending and just waiting to devour me. i too took some things into my own hands and took a bottle of pills, i didn't want to die and wouldn't have done it if i thought i couldn't make myself throw it up, i just thought at that point, it was the only way to show my H that i was serious. but of course, i couldn't make myself throw up, went to the hospital and from that point on knew i had to go to the Lord first and formost.

i'm not any better or different than anyone else but God has truly worked a miracle inside me through all this and this has happened for a reason and i'm trying to learn and do all i can. i had prayed for years for God to be w/me and my H both individually and as husband and wife and help me be the person he would have me be. this is not what i had in mind or would have chosen to have these changes in me occur but nonetheless it's happened. unfortunately for us that God doesn't speak out loud to us like he did for his people in the Biblical times but that's why we need to continue to pray that his plan will be revealed to us and that it will be made plain and that the words and actions will be instilled in us of how God wants us to be and to tell others about him. imagine how you would be if you didn't believe in God? that is something that i truly can't imagine, is to go through what i'm going through as well as others and not having God in my life.

i'm saying this to you because of your request for advice from those who are strong in faith. I don't know that necessarily I'm "strong" but i have done a lot of soul-searching and humbling of my self since DDay and feel like i have come a long way only through the prayers of others and the grace of God. you have got to tell people, in addition to the people here, that you need prayer at the very minimum, and/or that your wife and M needs prayer. you do not have to go into details. only that God's will to be done. how can people know that you need prayer if you don't ask or tell them? and if you believe at all in the power of prayer then you know that's something you have to do.

it's amazing what verses in the Bible mean to me now. especially those that i listed in my signature line. that's not to say a year or so from now that they won't have a different meaning to me and that's due to the Bible being the living word of God and he uses it to speak to us. you should be in the Lord's house any time the doors are open and it will help you tremendously to be encourage and supported but yet still tell you what you need to do in your walk w/God.

i don't know where you are located but something else that has helped me more than i can describe is the Bott radio network. it's a Chritian radio network that has a lot of programs and speakers on it such as Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Stanley, Dr. David Jeremiah, etc. it's not available everywhere on the "radio" like in your car but if you have speakers on your computer you can listen to it. just go to the webiste of the same name bottradionetwork.com they have messages on marriage, parenting, faith, obedience, etc. i'm actually quite addicted to the radio programs now. i don't listen to any music other than at church and at the gym. i'm not saying that listening to music is bad only that these programs help me so much more and music just makes me sad in one way or another.

so try it out, if you can't listen to it then read what's on the website or go to other websites like "focus on the family" it's by Dr. James Dobson and there are some wonderful messages that you can order and listen to such as the "marriage collection" there's 2 sets. i can't afford to buy them but have heard the messages on the bott radio network. the focus on the family website also has a lot of books and articles you can read as well. but if you are coming here make sure you have read his needs/her needs. some of the other programs on the bott radio network include "family life today" which is out of little rock, AR. there's "living on the edge" by chip ingram who has had some wonderful messages on marriage and you can also go to that website as well.

there's a pastor by the name of Chuck Swindoll who has a webiste "insight for living" he is also on the bott radio network and he has had some very good messages on Job from the old testament and what he went through etc. that have been particularly helpful to me. i wish i knew what else to say or what else to advise. if you haven't seen the Passion of Christ you also need to see that. i'm wishing you strength and support for these times and will continue to pray for you as i do for all those who are here. start your day off w/prayer and make it the last thing you do before you go to bed. God bless, RR