Well, you guys have not heard me whine in a while, so I figure it is time. Plus, I have a headache (migraine sp?) and generally don't feel good.

As you know, I am in true Plan B. I have not spoken to WH since the day he e-mailed me and my DAD to tell me he wanted a D (which was 5/9, I remember, because it was mother's day). Even then, we spoke a whole of 5 minuted, when, by the grace of God, my intermediary called me and told me to get the heck off the phone with him. Before that, it had been no contact since 4/15 (he had come over for Easter, we talked a few times after that, very destructive talks, and I went dark again).

So...what is my point? Well, home boy moved out early March. Goes without talking to me for months on end. I NEVER see him (I worked out the kid's visitation arrangements to include an extra overnight, so he is responsible for getting them off to school, so we do not even have the drop off/pick up exchange). We were best friends. I mean it. There was hardly a night when we were not up till midnight, just talking and talking and laughing. We would talk about life, love, family, God, sports, art, TV, current events, stuff at work, and our conversations were so rich and wonderful. And even after d-day, when I got better at Plan A, we had returned to this level of conversation, where I felt our closeness, our friendship was rekindled, albeit did not include anything romantic, but at least we were connection again.

How can he just walk away from that? We were best friends for 13 years.We were together every single day of our lives for 9 years. How does one just walk away from that? And if you guys say "the fog" I think I will SSSCCCCRRRREEEAAAAAMMMMMM!

Now, it seems as if he is not corresponding with the intermediary either. I have no idea what is going on with some important financial matters and I get the sense he is not corresponding with her either. Shoot, he is doing a better Plan B than I am.

I went back to my beloved church last weekend. I had stopped going because I did not want to see him there. Which was ridiculous, because he had quit going a long time ago. Everyone is praying for me. Praying for the reconciliation of our marriage, and I do have faith that God is working, even though I cannot see what He is doing.

I have been wokring on my intense hatred toward Indian people since the affair. I would see an Indian woman (Indian, from India) and be instantly reminded of the state of my marriage, my H's affair, etc. And I would feel a seething bitterness. I have always prided myself as being non-judgemental, not even close to a racist, so this has really been bothering me, so I have been praying intently that God heal this part of me.

So, ironically enough, an Indian woman at our church called me last week to talk and pray about our situation. She talked about what it was like to grow up in the Indian culture, how her life was when she was a Hindu, before she discovered the Christian faith, etc. We had a lovely talk for hour and hours, and I felt a genuine sisterly love for her. I was grateful that God made this happen. I felt myself healing as I spoke with her. I can think of my love for her when I see other Indian people, instead of the OW and my WH.

She told me yesterday that she called my WH and had a long talk with him. She told me that he "spoke highly" of me, but also admitted he still cared very much for the OW. Our sunday school class was beginning so we did not get to talk long of her discussion with him, which, I was relieved about, because I am not sure I really wanted to hear what he had to say.

I am just really struggling with feeling any hope. And when I feel that, I feel angry with myself, because, are you going to have faith in God or not, Christy! And God will only deliver a miracle in measure with you faith...and I feel my faith waning, and so I feel like He can't deliver on the miracle I need Him to. And then, I think, well, God can want WH to come home as much as I do, but, WH has free will, and God can try and influence that, but ultimately, WH is the one who has to make that decision to recommitt to the marriage. So, really, what ultimate control does God have. I mean, WH has disobeyed already, hasn't he??

Thank you for humoring the psycotic noises in my head.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

P.S. I am lonely. I hate all of this! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Christy, I know I know. I am lonely too. I have the same thought. I read your post, but I feel that I am inadequet to reply to you. Just a big hug {{{{{{Christy}}}}}}.

Hey there Christy,

I hear you loud and clear.I have been best friends with my WH almost 20 years this July.All of that is about to be tossed away for the likes of a conniving homewrecker.Go figure.But Just J had an interesting point for me.I think WH is going to be needing HW more and more to start filling in the painful voids that he is creating.He is pretty much severing ties with all his family by continuing to see that HW.

And now,the most precious of all,our 2 daughters,are about to be introduced to WH's horror.So far,he has been immune from any heartbreaking feelings because our D's don't know what he has done and I have kept that from them.But as we inch ever closer to a D,they will have to know more and then those ties will be sorely tested too and the father-daughter relationship will be forever altered.He doesn't seem to care one bit.

Tell me,how is your son doing these days? And you have a daughter too? I have been thinking about all the children that are going through this,it is just awful.

I also have been working on my hatred of HW.It is consuming me.That's a tough one and I am asking for help from God on that.

I don't have any words of wisdom just sharing in your pain.I feel like my WH and his adultery is gangreen on my soul and I have to excise it before I become fatally infected.There really is not many choices for a BS to have in this mess.You stay with the cheating WS and endure all that pain while in Plan B or you reconcile or D.

When you have a WS that wants to do absolutely zero to save the marriage and family,those choices come down to 2.That's where I was so I had to make a choice,for me and my sanity.I know my WH feels like ok,HE didn't want a D SHE did but we all know why I am going through with this,that will never change.I may be the one to start the proceedings but it is due to WH painful inaction that brings us here.

Anyway,hang in there and take care of those kids.They need you.

O

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

WH is now asking (via my intermediary) for a meeting to talk. I think I should go. Maybe some face time will remind him of what he is about to throw away. I was thinking I would propose that we meet after church, on the church property. Definitely a safe place, and could even ask a church member to intermediate our discussion.

I have a feeling he is going to want to get together to ask for a divorce. If so, I am not sure how I should respond. What do I say, all you pro MB'ers, if that is his request. Bottom line is, I cannot ask him to stay married to me. I can't make him stay. It is obvious that he thinks he would be happier without me, the kids, our life, so, I can't MAKE him think, feel differently.

I knew there was a reason I felt this rock at the bottom of my stomach.

Hmmmm Christy if your in Plan B and you wrote a letter stating what has to happen for him to talk to you right. Ask your intermediary if it's about working on your M if not don't talk to him let him go through your intermediary, he know's what he's losing without having to see you. JMHO hug's to you Christy we're all lonely so just hang on it will get better.

Well, if he wants to "talk" you say that you will "talk" after OW is out of the picture!

I know I didn't stay long in Plan B...but i will tell you what i did. He told me he would call as soon as he had broken it off with OW...well, he called so I picked up the phone. I asked if OW was out of the picture, of course not! I told him not to call me until she was out of the picutre.

Christy, these two had planned on getting an apt together. They were actively looking for a place to live together. H had started to work on a place behind his office/adjacent to it actually. I had no clue. All the lies. the deceit...

OK, so at the end of the conversation, I was at my wits end, so I told him either he ends it tonight with OW or that is it with me and his boys. End of subject. I was going to file for a legal seperation cuz he was giving me a hard time with the visitation and stuff.

Well, he ended it with OW the next morning and he is now back home.

Point being, you CANT hold on to him. If he wants to go, let him go. You need to let your heart go and get YOURSELF healed. You cant go on with this pain anymore. If he truly wants a Divorce he will get it.

But I would not meet with him unless OW is out of the picture. What is there to talk about? Tell him to file!

Wel, that is JMHO! hang in there!

Try to resist "the talk" bait.

Your lonliness makes you eager to take the bait... I understand.

Plan B letter is so beautiful because there is no "talk" without purpose.

If he wants a "talk" to discuss divorce, he could simply file.

If I have a vote... I vote no response except your intermediary says "refer to Plan B conditions."

"The talk" will cause you pain...

Pep

My intermediary is an angel, and agreed to talk to me about all of this. She was right, of course, and so, I will not be meeting with WH.

She simply responded to his request with "Your wife would be more than happy to meet with you, if it is regarding the reconciliation of your marriage. If not, she is not interested in meeting at this time."

I was worried because he had recently met with an atty, and I did not want my "silence" to later be used against me.

She used a great analogy. He is quite literally abusing me. And yes, the abuse is emotional, but since it has not ended, I am not being uncooperative to want to protect myself from that...instead, I am protecting myself from further abuse. And the truth is, I have carefully created a means by which he can communicate with me about $, the kids, and other things that we would need to correspond about through the intermediary, so I have given him the outlet he needs to get the information he needs when he needs it. SO I have not cut him off from the things he needs. Only thing he is cut off from is me. And frankly, he has not earned anything else at the moment.

She and I mused about what he could want to meet about. It would most likely be another request to divorce "nicely." And it would probably be coupled with some threats at this point (since he has seen an atty). Threats about what he could make me do if I do not cooperate, financially, etc. And that is all they would be, because I have checked into my rights too, and there is not much he can do that I could not justifiably fight or cope just fine with. So...it would most likely be a painful, awful, destructive conversation. So, I am glad I am opting out.

And bottom line is, if he really wanted to reconcile, he would not play the games. He would say, straight out, I have ended it with OW, can we talk about reconciliation. Anything else is counter plan B.

I swear, I still have the psychic link with him. I just could feel since yesterday that something was up with him... I JUST KNEW IT!!! I even drove by his place Wednesday night and prayed in the parking lot of his apt complex...just praying that all the things that have him in bondage right no9w are release and banned from here, that God brings him back to His ways, back home, that he does not lose the person I know him to be inside!

So, I am glad to say I will opt out of that mess.

Christy
I typed a reply to you then lost it. Uggh
so short version

Great choice in staying dark. You have the control.

I struggle with free will in my prayers also. I have even asked God to harden his heart and speed this up if he knows WH will never turn to him. Perhaps he is trying to teach me patience. LOL

Remember God may not have control in our WH's life but he has it in ours. He will provide and has plans for us. You are in my prayers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God can want WH to come home as much as I do, but, WH has free will, and God can try and influence that, but ultimately, WH is the one who has to make that decision to recommitt to the marriage.

Christie it is your H who must first recommitt to God before he can commit to anything! God sometimes distances himself from a person who "knows him, then turns his back on him~ he would gladly rejoice if your H did come back but sometimes the "spirit" gets so lost the only way God sees for them to come back is to let them feel that distance"

So, really, what ultimate control does God have. I mean, WH has disobeyed already, hasn't he??

Yes H had disobeyed but God would take him back in a heart-beat!! He is a loving God! Your H is only one who has CONTROL of weather he makes Godly choices or wordly ones...

Thank you for humoring the psycotic noises in my head.
I wouldn't call them psychotic! LOL.....just reasonable questions!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if you don't mind me suggesting this .....This is a prayer my pastor prayed with me when I was "feeling " like their was something evil going on ~ even before D/D....."Lord, let (your H's name) know NO peace unless he finds it with you! (God)

Blessings and Prayers,
Atruheart

Thanks for the well wishes and support.

A trueheart, thank you for the prayer idea. I've been prayering the Psalm 1 chapter, inserting WH's name when it says "he" and also praying "God, please convict him mightily." I will add your prayer to the mix. I know the void or hurt and confusion and restlessness would only be filled by God anyway, so, in all actuality, he would not know peace until he found God again.

I've been lurking here, trying to decide whether to write or not. So here goes--I found out that WH was in an EA (and probably PA, although he refuses to talk about ti) 3 weeks ago....I'm Indian, he's Anglo. (The OW in my case is also not Anglo....)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and reading that in your case the OW is Indian really hit me....please know that it DOES happen the other way (it's happening to me now). I can't blame you for your intense feelings towards Indian women, but maybe there is some small consolation to know that I'm on your side on all this....and I'm Indian too.

My story is in the "just found out" section (and it's pretty messy, actually).....look forward to hearing your thoughts, and wishing you the best of luck in plan B.

cciyer: Thank you for your really sweet words.

You know, it is funny. I have been praying that God works with me on this, and He really is. I have befriended a lovely Indian woman at my church. And I truly love her.

It is helpful for me to befriend other Indian people, and see the integrity, diversity, and beauty of their culture, in people like my friend at church, and people like you.

What I am learning is, it does not matter the race or creed. It is the individual person. And there is betrayal and evil and ugliness in any race or culture. Please forgive me if I offended you in any way.

PS...changed my screen name. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Christy, (sorry I called your old name). What is your situation now? Does your WH still ask for a D? Did you talk to him? I followed your story too.

I have not heard anything more about D. He did ask to meet with me, and I replied I would be happy to if it was regarding rebuilding our marriage. Then I heard nothing...so who knows at this point.

Just trying to stay calm, not get too bitter, remain faithful to him, to God, and to focus on stablizing myself!

Thanks for asking

Good for you. You are setting good example of Plan B for me and every one. We will go through this in GOD's grace. Hugs.