Hi everyone, I'm back again. I need to vent, to talk to someone who has been through this because sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

Husband and I have been in marriage couseling for 3 years now. Our marriage couselor is very good but it seems as though my husband tries b.s.ing everyone including himself. I've learned many things throughout our 3 years of couseling about his desires but when it comes to one woman he gets crazy when I bring her up because for some reason she still bothers me,maybe because of his reaction. Anyway, any time our relationship gets good he does something, like lie about something or avoid telling me something, which I later have to question and I finally pull the truth out of him. It always deals with a woman. I feel like he tries sabotaging us when we get good. last night, the woman he would get crazy about when I asked him a question about her, he confessed, he had relational feelings for her, but nothing happened but he couldn't bring himself to tell me that. He only talked to her a few times in person and on the phone.

How can you have relational feelings about someone if you only saw and spoke with them a few times. But one thing he said way back when about her.....he said he fantasized about her and in his fantasy she told him to leave me for her. When I asked why he put that in his fantasy he said why ask him, it came out of her mouth. When I questioned what he just said, because it was his fantasy he said he didn't know.

Has anyone been here? What seems to be the truth out of what he is saying? I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. Honesty doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary.

How long have you been married? What was the reason for MC in the first place.

It sounds like your H may be having problems with intimacy. Keep posting here and give us more info. We will help you through this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can you have relational feelings about someone if you only saw and spoke with them a few times.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The answer is: Because the feelings are irrational.

He may recognize the irrationality and suffer consequential guilt. Consider the possibility that he is sharing with you--not to sabotage--but to resolve an issue with you.

I've often avoided "confessing" things to my wife because it has the opposite of the desire effect. Instead of resolving an issue between us, it perpetuates it.

The experience enters our common frame of reference and she starts mentioning it at regular intervals. For a person who is truly remoresful, the confession becomes a form of punishment, because the spouse won't forgive.

I know very little about your actual situation, of course... but if any of this seems plausible it may be worth considering.

If you have a habit of hassling him about mistakes from the past he may be hypersensitive to telling you things that will contribute to this behavior.

Just my thoughts. Hope they are of some worth.

God bless,

Jg

Thank you for posting replies. It really helps talkig to others that have been there.

We have been married for 14 years. We began MC because I posed the question, "are you having an affair?" His reply was genuine anger. He asked me how I could accuse him of such a thing. I didn't, I asked. I saw signs. I saw signs for years but I made excuses for them. Well, he led the way. I would ask him questions about something and he would tell me it was all in my head and I thought maybe it was.

Throughout the past 3 years of MC I have asked him to be honest with me about everything. Unless I'm aware of everything and complete honesty is established, healing will not begin and I cannot forgive if I don't know everything. I have had 3 years worth of, I don't remember, I forgot, I don't know, or you made me say that.

For 3 years more has been coming out. He has even lied to our MC. Things didn't make sense. The more info I get, the more sense it begins to make.

I need honesty. I want out of the past but he keeps me there because he won't be honest about something that was "nothing." or was it?