My WW is saying that she wants to work on the marriage. But she says that there are these huge fears that she has. She says those fears keep her from really seeing a future. She's saying that it all comes from her inability to forgive herself for the A. Also, that she is caused so much damage that she thinks "You're crazy for staying with me, you'd be better off without me." She literally won't forgive herself, but in doing that she will not open up to me. She has walled herself off emotionally and won't get into any conversation with any real depth.

We established that Conversation was her EA that was not being met by me. I'm working like a dog on that. But now that I do want to listen to her > she won't say anything to me.

When I tell her how much it hurts to be walled off from her, she says she doesn't mean it like that. That it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with her guilt and fears. But, I tell her the bullets hurt just as bad no matter if it's intentional or not. I feel so lonely! She's right here in the same house, but I feel 100 miles away from her.

Anyone have a clue?

My guess:

She has a lot of anger and resentment toward you that she is afraid to tell you...as if you haven't figured out that there was a big problem in the M already.

She is afraid that what she says will further damage the M.

Wow, Jimmy Mac, that is exactly what I was thinking. My WH seems to be in the same mode. I have told him I felt like he is holding back something, that I think he is mad at me and is afraid to say it out loud. He shrugs his shoulder and says he doesn't think so.

But still the communication improves but hits this imaginary wall every time.

Am curious, what gets the WS to get past that point?

She does not want to share with you the dirty details of her A. I went through a similar experience before actually finding out. I was told to look for another woman, that i should fall in love with someone else. Those were very strange comments coming from someone who has been a jealous person.

She may not open up to you and be totally honest, but I suspect it has to do with avoidance.

Yes, Why me, I too have been told to find another person. Its my belief its the WS's way of absolving themselves from their wrong doing.

I haven't a clue how a WS accomplishes forgiveness for theirselves. It must be a horrific feeling to go through after the fog lifts.
I haven't read anything about this, but the grieving process that MB speaks about once a WS leaves the OP I think also includes the pain of finding out that oneself is capable of such destructive behavior. I imagine it is hard to look at oneself in the mirror.
Sure they grieve over the loss of the OP but certainly they must be feeling pretty poorly about themselves too.

I could really relate to the expression 'in the same room but feels like a 100 miles away'. I feel I am the only one attempting to make an effort. Communication has been sadly lacking in our M but not once since he moved back home has my WH opened his heart about what's in his head/heart. Even if he has bad things to say, it needs to be said. I feel instead that it is always me that tries to start the ball rolling. It's like he wants to sweep things under the carpet and it's not good enough. I think he came home because of the children. That's fine. It is a starting point. But we seriously need to talk and I feel like I might as well have a stuffed dummy sitting on the settee. And yet, I know it is what he went looking for. Someone to talk to. He has no friends outside of work and because we live so far from his family, he doesn't really open up to them either. I am so full of resentment about the way I've been treated over the past year. I think I felt more relaxed when he was living away from home with OW, even though it was only for 3 weeks. I feel like I'm treading on glass, being nice and not really being myself. Thank God for my friends.

I can relate to everything being said here. I am a BS and have been trying to get my W to open up for about 2.5 months. She doesn't want to open up or recommit to our marriage. She is here physically but not really mentally. It is as what's been said she just seems to want to push it under the carpet. However I did get a little bit out of her this weekend but it wasn't great. She said she hasn't been able to talk because she had lost her feelings for me and couldn't talk about it. She also said she didn't want to hear about the A the rest of her life. She was just with me on principal-didn't want to let down her father, grandmother and our girls. She said she didn't know what to do because she thought if we stayed together she would grow old miserable. It was almost better before she opened up a bit.

To get WS to open up, you have to be able to listen without criticizin or attacking. You also have to help WS stop blaming BS for the way WS feels. That is pretty tough to do when you are still reeling from an A. A good MC is priceless. (Even 10 years after the A, my W and I sometimes still struggle. It is much easier to blame S for your problems or to to say that S's problems don't matter.)

Some BSs would rather not be told that things are not perfect. BS's sometimes are in a fog as much as WS. There seem to be so many BSs who come here and say, "We had a perfect M." The only way anyone could think that they have a perfect M is if he/she has his/her head stuck in the sand.

staggered: What she said made you feel pretty bad. However, it is good she told you. (I told my W this a hundred times at least.) What does she like for romance? Your task is to get her to fall in love with you again--which might mean flowers, dinner, weekend getaways, you getting back in shape, etc. Were you and her so busy running "Household, Inc." that you didn't have time to stay connected?

i would give just about anything for my husband to even consider coming back to me and giving our M another chance.