I know I have right to be angry but I struggle with how long I should withhold loving actions toward my H...to find out more about my situation go to just found out...He did it again. My H says that he is going to prove to me that he wants this marriage and will do whatever he has to do. Those words are wonderful to hear but actions speak louder. I mean I am not even positive the A is over and there is no way for me to know forsure I don't think. Unless anybody has any ideas. There have been just so many lies told and he has told me a few weeks back that it was over and was lying. So I feel he needs to do all the work right now because I was busting my butt even after I found out and he said it was over. I was very loving and communacative and got nothing in return. So now I feel like I will sit back and let him kiss my butt for a while but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do?! I know that he needs to have his needs met or this marriage will never work but there are consequences to his actions!!

Sorry, double post.

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Momwith4boys,

Your have a right to be angry and it is necessary for you to work through all your feelings of grief, anger etc. but that doesn’t mean you must withhold loving actions towards your H and not meeting his emotional needs. It is necessary to communicate your anger towards your H and he must know about these feelings (as you’ve said, there is consequences to his actions), but you can do it in a constructive, non-criticizing way by using “I” messages when talking to your H. That means you must communicate your feelings to your H by telling him how his actions made/make you feel instead of L’Bursting and attacking him in the process e.g. instead of “You are so selfish!” you can say “I feel angry (or hurt/disappointed/sad etc). when you're acting so selfish”. This is just a simple example but you get the idea. Remember, often anger is the secondary emotion of primary feelings like hurt, sadness, feeling vulnerable or rejected etc. so make sure you also communicate those feelings to your H. By doing this you will help to fill the EN’s of Communication and Openness/Honesty in your M and it will also help him to open up towards you. In my opinion, intimate communication between spouses is the first step towards recovery for both WS and BS.

Hope this could help! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 07:37 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

To Suzet
Thank you so much for your reply. See the difficult thing though in my situation is that my H and I are thousands of miles apart due to his job. The kids and i were to be moving there next month until I found out about the A so now I have postponed the move because this is the third time he has had an A. So it is kinda hard to meet his needs and him mine when there is so much distance. In my head i know that postponing the move was the right thing to do, but my heart aches and I want to go there now to be with him. It is going to be really difficult to heal everything with all this distance but I feel he needs to do a lot of things and prove to me that this time it will change forever not just a couple of years. My children of course are very hurt by this as well because he has been gone for 7 months and they were excited to move there and have a new beginning. I just don't know what the right thing to do is??!! What am I to do when my head says one thing but my heart says another? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />