Ok. I've been struggling with whether to bring this up, but it's torturing me...Haven't posted because I feel really stupid and guilty about this.

Within the hour after things go well, I get very anxious, very panicked, very very very. It's like, when will the other shoe drop? What if this is a false start? Is he really being truthful? etc etc etc. Is this just to appease me?

I feel very guilty about all the doubts. I feel especially guilty about not focusing on a psoitive future.

I want to believe! I want a happy marriage! I want it all behind us, but have SO MANY unanswered questions!!!

Any thoughts?

No, you're not alone. Everytime things start to feel positive for me I get that little dreaded feeling waiting for something bad to happen. I sometimes get more depressed when things start to look good. I guess this is all part of the roller coaster ride and the way we protect ourselves.

Hi, Kloe.
I think maybe it's bc he still hasn't come clean with me. Also, bc he keeps telling me he'll work on the M, but hasn't taken any substantive steps himself, so I wonder if it's just 'words' and the demon takes over my brain and my stomach again.

I hope it's just me being impatient to get on with repair and it's him still 'fogged' a bit and wanting to 'forget about it'. I really hate that aspect of his behavior - just pretending it didn't happen. But from what I can see here at MBers, it seems pretty typical - except for the truly remorseful, who pull out all the stops to make amends....

We had a wonderful, romantic and peaceful night Friday when I returned home from a peace-of-mind hiatis alone in a hotel room. We had another one last night. But the panic hits. I hate distrusting him. I truly hate it. I really hate what it does to me. I worry that trust will never return, too, and can't stand that idea.

OK - I have to be fair here - what I mean by substantive steps are steps the way I hope he will - what would give me peace: make the appt for MC, buy me cards and flowers, call me incessantly to tell me he loves me, write me long, romantic letters of love, etc.

I am probably wanting too much too fast.

restarting...
from your sig line...looks like you've had a few renewed contacts...it's been a week or a little more since last contact ?

I think you're right to be on alert. I think you should be cautious.... but tread lightly. If he isn't in contact..we don't want to PUSH him there.

Stay strong in Plan A...keep at it.... YOUR rebuilding...has already begun..now it's time to see if he jumps on board.

I know it's frustrating...this wasn't broken in a couple of weeks...this won't fix in a couple of weeks.

Try to find comfort in what YOU are doing.... feel comfort in YOUR part. I know it seems unfair...and we all agree Plan A SUCKS...but the better you are at it now...the better your chances increase of really getting into a more stable environment for you.

Hang in there.

Hugs to you.

Thanks, BIJ - I needed the encouragement.

That's why I come here (any of us, too).

This 'being strong' stuff is tough work!

Sometimes, I must spend a lot of time talking myself into doing what I can do. It's the worry over the things I can't do or do anything about that starts the panic.

restarting,

Until your WH choses,out of love, to be totally accountable to you, your present feelings of insecurity will continue. Radical honesty and mutual accountability are not just important to rebuild the respect and trust in each other, but the love you have for one another as well.

TMCM

TMCM- you have been a touchstone for me. Believe it or not- I already knew that ( as one knows things, but doesn't want to acknowledge or believe them, but alreaay knows..)

My H is not ready for honesty. He thinks he is , but he's not. His level of honesty is so warped and depleted - he's WAY out of the habit.

What's so hard for me is, HE'S already USED TO this habit of lying at most every turn... I"M NOT. He's had at least two years to get used to it. I've had 2 months and CAN'T get used to it!

Recently, (God , please help me if I'm wrong!) I believe he has commtitted to NC and rebuilding our marriage, (and again, I beg God to help me if I'm wrong!), but I believe he is trying.

What is so frustrating is the effort being put into TRYING. I keep thinking I'll get letters and calls and testimonials of love.... thoughtfulness at every turn....

But I wonder if he's just really so far away, so far way from what we ever were or ever could become...

He's made alot of bad judgement calls that are really beginning to pile up around him. I feel for the hurt he experiences, but also can't help but know he's the one responsible. Not the world, not me, not his customers, not his venders, not his creditors... just him and the decisions he made. I've offered advice on how to start handling it, but it is not employed.

He complained , when I discovered the affair, that I 'mothered and nagged him' (control freak that I am) and now that everything's goin haywire, it's like he wants me to take it over.

I won't. Unless we can Agree Enthusiastically, I'm not. The urge to do so is strong. It's my nature. But it's not a partnership nature. It's Partners or Nothing from this point forward.

I gain out of that, too. I'm tired of meing the bad guy. I'm tire of being the 'responsible' one.

I'm just so tired.

And, I'm just left wondering.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> restarting...
from your sig line...looks like you've had a few renewed contacts...it's been a week or a little more since last contact ?

I think you're right to be on alert. I think you should be cautious.... but tread lightly. If he isn't in contact..we don't want to PUSH him there.

Stay strong in Plan A...keep at it.... YOUR rebuilding...has already begun..now it's time to see if he jumps on board.

I know it's frustrating...this wasn't broken in a couple of weeks...this won't fix in a couple of weeks.

Try to find comfort in what YOU are doing.... feel comfort in YOUR part. I know it seems unfair...and we all agree Plan A SUCKS...but the better you are at it now...the better your chances increase of really getting into a more stable environment for you.

Hang in there.

Hugs to you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I THOUGHT THAT PLAN A WAS TO STOP THE AFFAIR???????? It seems like the affair has ceased and there is no contact? PLease explain this to me.

Restarting:

I am sorry for your pain. There is probably a very very good reason why you are feeling the way you are but I will leave it at that. I will say a prayer for you that you learn to deal with whatevr comes your way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yep. Me too. I ended up in 'doormat' mode. Mainly bc I REALLY COULDN"T BELIEVE ANY OF IT!!!

My ego on the line.

I have tried, really tried to believe. That's my nature. But so is logic, which is how I discovered the further deception.

I left last week, out of desperation to preserve what little respect and love I had left. How could this man, who continued to say he love me, keep doing what he professed - no swore and promised - he was not? That is NOT LOVE. If it is, it is a brand I don't want.

I want and need someone who wants and needs me TO THE EXCLUSION OF ALL OTHERS. Anything else is refuse.

Does it HURT that he could EVER put someone else at my level or above? Holy Cow. THAT is probably the hardest thing to overcome. Still don't know if I will.

But right now, I find it so ironic that good times create panic. That's the cynical side of me. That's the part of me that has to laugh, because othewise I'd cry.

Forgot to mention I left elecionday and returned Friday....