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I need strength today... Background here: Earlier post Yesterday my BW did not wear her wedding ring. I called her to ask why and she said she forgot to put it back on, atypical for her. She did not put it on when she came home so I asked her if she just wasn’t going to wear it anymore. She said that wasn’t the case, just hasn’t thought about it. This morning she put it on her right hand and told me she’s going to wear it there instead b/c she just doesn’t feel right wearing it. “It’s supposed to mean something,” she said. I asked her if anything had changed in the way she feels and she said “No, I’m still planning on getting my own place and moving out…Sometimes I think you don’t believe it’s going to happen.” So I asked her if she was doing it just to punish me, “No,” someone else “No.”. She stopped wearing her engagement ring a while back for the same stated reason. She then asked me why I was making such a big deal about it and I told her that I’m left with so little to build on that I notice any changes and it (ring) is supposed to mean something. Then she said that was stupid how are we supposed to build anything – “we’re not even in love.” I told her we weren’t going to have those feelings until we entered recovery and started going to MC together (no response). I didn’t tell her I loved her. Maybe I should have but was afraid of more stinging comments. I just can’t figure any of this out! I took care of her all weekend while she was sick, cleaned our place, did all laundry. I know that doesn’t make up for anything, but I thought treating her in a loving manner would help and it seems to have hurt. (Not that it matters, just more background, I was a BS before a WS.) My friends are trying to get me to give up on my M – to protect me. They want me to start preparing for life after D. I’m resisting this advice because I truly want our M to work – Even if it doesn’t I need to be able to say that I gave it my best shot, 100%. I would rather cross that bridge if/when I come to it b/c any effort/thought/planning takes away from my 100%. I just want to get to recovery but she refuses to consider until she gets her own place – financially impossible right now. Any advice, insights or criticisms are greatly appreciated.
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Robby,
I can't understand why your friends would advise you to get ready for divorce instead of working on your marriage. That is not good advice.
I don't think she really wants to leave, she just wants you to reassure her that you love her and demonstrate some trustworthy behavior. She doesn't feel safe with you. She is too badly wounded to admit thats what she wants, I suspect.
If I were you, I would tell her how much it means to you for her to wear your ring and just keep assuring her how much you love her and want her. It will take ALOT of work to convince her of this, but I think she will come around if you can convince her you are a worthy H and won't harm her again.
She needs to know you will protect her instead hurting her again. So, hang in there and don't give up. It won't come overnight, Robby, her pain is very deep and will take many more months to subside. So, for now, you will just have to work on the marriage all by yourself and work on attracting her back into the fold by making her feel safe.
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Robby... The thing is that the words I love you... probably sound hollow and empty.... you have to learn to speak your NEW love for her... cause what must be hard for a BS is that during the affair...you probably told her you loved her then...and yet your actions were not loving at all...AND the horror of the thought of you telling the OP you loved them also... people in affairs use the word love.... but they don't use it in action.... the word love from you right now may be empty and or confusing.... so you need to learn to redefine the word love... clarify to her what it used to mean...and now that you have gotten smart... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> what the word love committment too honor now mean to you... cause not too long ago...you didn't have a clue... and you don't prove you get what those words mean by saying things like... [ B]Sometimes I think you don’t believe it’s going to happen.” So I asked her if she was doing it just to punish me.[/B] B]Sometimes I think you don’t believe it’s going to happen.” what that sounds like to me is that she is telling you that you aren't listening to her... and you aren't hearing her.... I asked her if she was doing it just to punish me.and that question....my eyes would have probably rolled out of my...yeah rob...it has nothing to do with her pain or hurt...it's all about you... you two are hearing each other at all... and from your linked post up above... I want to know if she wants to work things out or not but I’m in no position to make demands. [b]The only way I can stop this cycle is to say I want a divorce. I don’t so I’m unwilling to say it.[/b] The only way I can stop this cycle is to say I want a divorce. no the way YOU stop a cycle..is YOU stop your role in it...no some dramatic leap to a divorce... are you in a full blown out plan A in meeting you wifes needs showing her changes not in words but in action that you get it.. REGARDLESS of her response... are you charming and up beat and engaging her in things she likes to do REGARDLESS of her response.... can see the lovebuster in the words.. are you doing this to punish me... can YOU>.... Maybe I should have but was afraid of more stinging comments. this is not for the weak hearted.. you have to learn to give with no expectations of any return...expect that your actions are good and noble.... toughen up... in her mind you were strong enough to betray... you better get strong enough to prove yourself to her..... ARK
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Damn, she's good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Good gosh, robby, does your wife have to spell everything out for you?
Based on what you wrote, she is giving you every opportunity to tell her what she needs to hear from you!
Tell her "I love you"
Tell her "I don't want you to leave."
Tell her "I would love for you to wear your rings"
She wants you to tell her how much YOU WANT HER.
Stop being a bonehead, rob, and get to it. Make her FEEL like she is the center of your universe again. She might even get angry about it, but don't be dissuaded. Keep showering her with love and affection.
Low
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I'm trying to gain honorary TEXAN STATUS!!!!! (snot)...sorry couldn't resist...I probably should delete that.... ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^: <strong> I'm trying to gain honorary TEXAN STATUS!!!!! (snot)...sorry couldn't resist...I probably should delete that.... ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sigh....I get the rudest customers at my window some days! Selling burgers ain't as easy as it looks, ark! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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robby,
i don't have much time but i wanted to check in with you. ark's post is worth reading over and over!!!! i very much understand how you are feeling. i am working very hard at just being the best wife i can be without worrying about H's responses. that is the hardest thing to do, to just blindly love without needing anything back.
it is natural to need something back but then you are not unconditionally loving her. you are needing her to "enter" recovery with you. consider entering recovery without her. what do you think of that concept??
same with counseling. are you going to IC yet? i start on thurs. I saw a post of your's somewhere else saying you need to get some IC and i agree, i also understand if that looks hard to do cuz it looks very hard for me to do and i was dragging my feet. over the weekend, H straight out told me he would like to see me go to IC. i was on the fence about going before he mentioned it. i feel i am learning so much from here and from books, i was hoping to not have to go the route of IC. it sounds painful to me. if that makes any sense... in any case, H thanked me for setting up an appointment for myself. i am lucky, at this point, H is showing his openness staying married. what i encourage you to do is assume the best, that your W does want to be married to you and will come around and do all you can to focus on your actions only.
trust me robby, i am just learning to do this too!!! i know it is easy to type this post to you but i am not just posting it, i am having to live it too. roman has been so very helpful to me, when you need encouragement, you might consider reading some of my posts and his responses, i have been very blessed with encouraging responses from many people here. if you want i can send you links to some that are especially good.
Karen
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Thank you all for your replies!
MelodyLane:
Don’t worry, I’m not taking my friends’ advice. I don’t believe in it.
She needs to know you will protect her instead hurting her again.
I know, this is hard to prove or show now. Her walls are VERY high, but I won’t give up.
Ark:
You’re smart.
toughen up...
in her mind you were strong enough to betray...
you better get strong enough to prove yourself to her.....
Words I will live by.
LowOrbit:
Good gosh, robby, does your wife have to spell everything out for you?
Sometimes I feel that way. The bonehead comment is right on, especially now. What I did was boneheaded enough, but now, sometimes, I need a guiding hand (like yours) to point out what should be obvious. I think that I’m so afraid of making a mistake, any mistake that I tend to overlook things by overthinking.
FinallyLearning:
I’ve been in IC since a week after D-Day (my confession). It’s helping, but I wish I could go more than once a week. Next appt. tomorrow night. Please send any links you think are especially worth reading.
ALL:
I want to tell her all of the things that were mentioned, especially redefining love, commitment , to honor. What do you think about writing it all in a love letter? (I’m reading Men are from Mars Women are from Venus.) I just want to make sure I don’t leave anything out. Also, she could read it when she wants as many times as she wants.
Thoughts?
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I want to tell her all of the things that were mentioned, especially redefining love, commitment , to honor.
here's the thing...
you two aren't hearing the other one....
you come at with all this stuff and she's still saying...but you slept with someone else...
that's what she hears....
so I'm not sure that deep heavy love letters is what she or you need right now..
she needs someone to charm her...
touch her soul
romance her MIND...
make her a CD NOT with cheesy love songs...but move your booty songs she likes...something that is upbeat, unexpected and will cheer her up...
what's an old band she likes....dig up some songs and make her a CD...
bring her a favorite dessert...take it to her work at lunch...and just leave it...
or bring her a cup of gourmet coffee...
leave some bath salts in the bathroom...
lighten it up...
put music on in the house..
help with chores....
do the dishes...
give her a comic book...
too intense
too wounded
too sad
too draining
too depressing
be charming
be upbeat
be young and carefree....
take her out for a walk in the beautiful weather...
even in the rain can be fun....
for heavens sake ...plan a,...should meet more than just deep emotional needs..
it should be whimisical, charming, and little magical...
ARK
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"be upbeat" yes i have been given that advice before too. it is very hard because we hurt our S and we need them to feel better so that we can feel better too. which is our need and not theirs! which means we need to put aside our need and just do what they need.
so your advice is very good.
robby, has your wife said anything about you being in counseling? i assume she knows you are going. do you guys talk about the sessions?
<small>[ May 25, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>
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ARK-
Ok, I get it, I think...
Sometimes I think you don’t believe it’s going to happen.”
what that sounds like to me is that she is telling you that you aren't listening to her...
and you aren't hearing her....
You mentioned this twice in your posts and I'm confused. I think I'm listening and hearing when she says she wants her own place. Am I being too literal?
here's the thing...
you two aren't hearing the other one....
you come at with all this stuff and she's still saying...but you slept with someone else...
that's what she hears....
This I'm pretty sure I understand.
she needs someone to charm her...
touch her soul
romance her MIND...
leave some bath salts in the bathroom...
lighten it up...
put music on in the house..
help with chores....
do the dishes...
give her a comic book...
too intense
too wounded
too sad
too draining
too depressing
be charming
be upbeat
be young and carefree....
And this is Plan A stuff I should be doing to enable her to hear what it is I'm trying to say?
I just rolled my own eyes as I typed this. I feel like an idiot!
you have to learn to give with no expectations of any return...expect that your actions are good and noble....
REGARDLESS of her response...
I will be charming
I will be up-beat
I will engage her in things she likes to do
REGARDLESS of her response....
Ok, I'll let you know how I do...
Thanks again.
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FinallyLearning:
We have never talked about the sessions. I've wanted to but the only thing she has ever asked was if I liked my Counselor.
I do.
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hey robby, i think you are getting what ark is saying, your response made me smile. i asked you about if you and your wife talk about what is going on in IC because I am not sure what to expect when i start on thurs. H and I did talk very briefly, I just came out and directly asked him if he was specifically wanting to hear/talk or specifically NOT wanting to hear/talk about my IC sessions. we then talked (again very briefly) about what direction to try to take going into IC. basically he just said be 100% honest and you will end up talking about the right things. finally i told him i wanted a plan in place in case i ended up too emotional after the session, that i didn't want the evening impacted by my emotional state. the session is at 1pm and i will have to go back to work afterwords so hopefully by the end of the work day i'll be fine. if not, we are going to tell the kids i am working late and i will either literally work late (i have enough to do) or maybe go to a forest perserve and take a long walk and bring a spiritual book to read for a bit. good luck being UPBEAT!!! keep in touch. p.s. you are NOT an idiot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> you are doing a great job working on this. p.s.s. i'm scared of my counselor!!! now that is being an idiot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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