I would like to hear everyone's opinions on this - why did you decide to stay/leave your wandering spouse? Is it for the kids, for the mutual history and good times together, societal pressures, values/religion etc? How do you *know* if you should stay or go?

read my sig ... -rh-

I think the answer will vary from person to person. For me, I wasn't going to stay. I had no interest in being married to a "low" man and kicked him out. I was just disgusted. He begged me to give him a chance and offered to go to counseling.

I decided it would be better to go to counseling a few times before I gave the bum the bum's rush so I could say that "I tried."

Well, here I am almost 4 years later and my marriage is wonderful today! My H has made remarkable changes and I have great respect for him now. We are very close and he calls me his "soul mate!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think for me, I took all of those things into account. I am the BW, and my FWH did not want to come home for 4 months! I didn't know if he ever would. I wanted to believe he would be able to shake the fog that had consumed him, and become the man I knew and loved, but there are no guarantees.

We have 2 DS, 11 and 12, and I have been with him since I was 16. That is kids and history. He is also my best friend ever. I also happen to believe my H is a wonderful guy, who fell off the path, into a huge dark hole, got completely covered with dirt, sprained something, and needed time and help to pull himself out.

By following the MB principles on this site, reading all the books recommeneded here and by the people here, growing up a little and becoming independant, I was able to create something in my home that my H was drawn back to.

And I honestly believe that if I can do it, anyone else on this site can, as well. Have hope, give yourself time. Some days I didn't want H back! I had crazy posts here. And that is OK. I think we all slide across the emotional scale from time to time.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

Oh yeah, and pray pray pray!!!

That's a good question! I am a BS. In my case I don't think I've made a final decision. I know that I Love my W and have very deep feelings for her. I have decided not to make any hasty decisions and try to work on us. Of course there are our D's involved also. My W and I both come from broken families. That is part of the reason for me to give my M my best effort. I feel our D's deserve every shot of having a whole family. Of course a loveless family would not be the best role model for them so they are not the only reason. My W and I have always been good friends and I feel we could work this out. Plus I am a very commited person and have made a commitment to my W for better or for worse. These are just some of the reasons I stay right now. But it has only been about 2.5 months since Dday. Ask me again in a few more months. If I am still not getting much in return from my W who knows.

Silly , childish reasons ,, I belive in happily ever after ... I belive in love ....

I belive everyone will find that one true connection only ONCE in life and I found mine ,,with my H.

The for better for worse.

I never wanted to live with any regret and also feel if I didn't give the chance he to would live with that regret as well .

Also leaving it to end with an A was not right , there was UNFINISHED busness (I guess thats how to put it )

It just wasn't his character to behave in witch he was , and if it was going to end he would have had to prove to me BY BEING HONEST that it is what he wanted ..

So that and all the above resaons as well ,, I gave him the chance to work this out with me ,.

children play apart in some of it and money as well but I wouldn't say for me it was the biggest influance ..

Children will heal, and money can be made .

It is the love I have for him and the good I see in him that brught me to my dececion .

DDay was 2+ years ago.

At first (2-3 months) I stayed because I was so shocked - I couldn't really believe he loved someone else and that he was considering leaving me. I couldn't think clearly and just hung on for dear life.

Stubbornness was my main reason for staying after the A had ended; this is my second M and I'll be *danged* if it fails. This lasted until about 14 months post Dday.

Later, I stayed though I really didn't want to -- my stubborn energy had died and our M hadn't changed -- so I could say I'd done everything I could to make it work. This is when we finally got into some real recovery, saw a counselor, began reading.

We're currently in an off-again-on-again recovery (off for the last couple of months) and if he rolls his sleeves up and gets back with the program we'll stay M'd. I think he is really in this for the long haul, and he just needs a break from all the "relationship" focus. He's made some major positive changes. I have, too.

Why would I stay in the future? I used to blindly and naively think "oh, we'll be married forever" but now my standards are higher. I put more into my M and I expect more out of it. If I continue to honestly express myself and my needs as I grow and change, and if he continues to listen and react, we'll stay M'd.

I am the BS, the day I found out that my H was having an A & had a baby on the way w/ the OW I made a hasty decision and I kicked him out that day, he also told me on that day that he wanted us to work thru this, I felt the same way, but we were separated for 8 months. We have no children & money wasn't an issue, God filled me w/ the spirit of forgiveness so I took him back and now we are working on recovery & it has not been easy.

For me I guess the bottom line was what does God want me to do? Yes I know adultery is grounds for divorce, but the bible also says God hates divorce. So here I am, trying to do HIS will, oh & of course, I love my H!

krystal,
Staying is a choice to love your mate regardless of what they have done or are doing. I read a recent post of a W who rushed out and filed for divorce right after she found out. 4 months later she regrets that move. It seems if you can hold out from making an irrational decision that is clouded by churning emotions, you have a better chance of answering that question down the road. A divorse never ends and does not solve the problems that you will carry from this marriage to the next one.

Read the info on this site about affairs and recovery and then decide if you want to commit to a better marriage. Many of your family and friends will encourage you to leave and divorce. Don't listen to them. Get informed and then decide. The first thing my wife said that its over. I asked her to give it a week. Here we are 9 months later starting into recovery. It wasn't easy to get here, but it is worth the pain.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Hi krystall,

I am in the worst place in my life right now.I have to decide whether to continue staying with my WH whom I love very much,still,and because I treasure our marriage,our family and children and don't want to end up another statistic but continues to hurt me terribly with his adultery or choose D.What a choice.

I have agonized over this for the past two months because I told myself I would wait at least 6 months before making any decisions.I almost got to a D back in February but my WH came home to say he wanted to reconcile,although that didn't last.

All I can say is that the last several weeks have been building a tremendous pressure in me,my soul,and I know I can't go on in limbo anymore.Plan B isn't helping me anymore and my WH is stubbornly continuing in his adultery and is comfortable with that,refusing to work on the marriage.There are no middle choices for me,it's one or the other really.

I just told my WH how awful it is that he's put me in this position but he doesn't care,at least not enough to change so that is why I am slowly filling out paperwork.I feel I have nothing left to hope for.

o

I'm too practical for my own good. We have a daughter, so I knew that we would have to improve our relationship whether we stayed together or not. I decided to try it together. I've been surprised to discover that people can change.

I am a BS and I have numberous reasons for staying by my WH. The first is that I love him with all of my heart. He has always been a good man who took care of me and our family with all of his being. He made a mistake and that mistake hurt us. Secondly though I feel I have some responsiblity in the state of our marriage and that in turn lead the A. My WH nees were not being met and that was my fault. Third I come from a broken home and I most certainly do not want that for my two children. I believe it is important to have both parents in a happy marriage for their kids. As a result of reading MB I strongly believe that my WH and I can have that happy marriage and a happy family with our two beautiful children.

BTW did I also mention that I love him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks for all the replies thus far; it's really helpful to see the different responses and perspectives, especially as I swing from wanting to work things out to sweeping him out of the door immediately. I guess a part of me really want to believe that things can and will get better, like for melodylane (esp the being able to respect your spouse part now, wow!) and Ibc-that people can change.

Like many of you, friendship and children are the two things that's preventing me from bailing out immediately. It's only been for a month since I found out and I'm consciously telling myself to not be rash. Still I really do take my hat off to many of you guys for hanging on, even when your WS continue to give you a hard time. I know I won't be able to do that. So Octobergirl, a big HUG!

Neither me nor my H are from broken families, and if we should divorce, it would be a big first in our extended families. One of my key concerns is the impact on my coming child (due in a couple of weeks' time).

Staggered, havinghope,
is it better for children to grow up with divorced but peacefully coexisting parents or within a sometimes-strained marriage? I ask because this is the question that troubles me most when I think about the future.

Roman121, I agree that a divorce does not always solve the problems and leaves baggages. But sometimes I wonder if it's not much better to draw a line on the past, dump the mouldy junk and start anew again, instead of walking and asking in circles. To just cut one's loss and get on with life.

I think the problem with leaving baggage and drawing a line in the past, is that - especially with a child involved - real life isn't that cut and dry, black and white.

The issues between you and your WH have to be addressed and worked through in order for you both to move on into a health relationship - either with each other or someone new.

D isn't easy, and if things are left all messy, they will stay messy.

IMHO.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by krystall:
<strong>

Roman121, I agree that a divorce does not always solve the problems and leaves baggages. But sometimes I wonder if it's not much better to draw a line on the past, dump the mouldy junk and start anew again, instead of walking and asking in circles. To just cut one's loss and get on with life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think in some situations it is better to move on, especially with a destructive spouse who continues the affair.

However, in cases where the WS ends the affair and tries to repair the damage, I think its usually best to at least TRY to make it work. At least give it a year, because the pain of betrayal is TEMPORARY, whereas divorce is permanent.

WH2B is an amazing person. He is kind, generous, loyal and has always loved me with all his heart and taken care of me. The problem is he made a mistake, and is now confused.

I want to try and work this out: I am determined not to let this finish us. What we had is too good to lose.

I am just trying to convince him that we have a chance, and that we can be happy together.

I have read a few of your stories here on MB, and the amount of pain you have all recovered from is incredible. What has happened with us is minor compared to most of you here. This is why you all inspire me to work it out.

So, in answer to the question: love, hope and MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I guess I still want to be M to WH because I know why he did it. That doesn't excuse it but I understand. Our marriage was not a good one and I refused to see that (amazing how clear it is now). We didn't met any of each others needs. Plus he felt so guilty he admitted it to me. Also, it's hard to just turn off feelings of love after such a long time. I know we could make it work. The funny thing is if he would come back (living at his Mom's right now), I know this experience would bring us closer and allow us to have a better M then ever before.

krystall,

I stayed for a very simple reason ..."baggage".

Deal with it now OR deal with it later. Deal with it with someone OR deal with it Alone.

I knew and still know that there are still a ton of things for me to work through and work out before I could ever move on.

The first reason is for myself. I have to work on myself (emotionally, mentally, spiritual, ect,.). I knew that the only way to work through these personal issues is with my W's help. She has so many of the answers (that if I just left) I would NEVER get. So one main reason I stayed was for my own personal healing. Which unfortunately, I need her help to get.

In addition, I don't want this relationship to contaminate EVERY other I have for the rest of my life. I've know too many people that this has happened to. I can work on this with her (W) or without her, but I HAVE to work on it.

Next, I wanted (if I ever do get a D) to know in my heart that I did a much as I could do to repair the M. I never wanted to look back years later and admit to myself that I could have done more........no "what if" games in the future.

Lastly, I stayed to work through as much baggage as possible, because even if we do get a D, we will always have a relationship because of our girls. I cannot ever loose track of that reality. We have to have some type of relationship even if we don't want to. So why not deal with our problems now, because in this type of case time passing will do nothing to help us. In fact, the longer we take to address our issues, the MORE polarized each of us will get.

I have succeeded in much. With my W's help I believe I have saved myself. I am no longer As angry and have pretty much stopped my obsessing. (Really glad to stop that, as it gets really heavy).
IN addition, I believe I also have enough respect back for my wife that we could have an amicable D (using mediation, instead of courts) as well as handle being co-parents. We have made much progress. So yea for small things!

The only question still to answer is do I still want to be married to her?
Stay tuned, cause right now, I can't honestly answer that one.

top rope,

you're absolutely right. thanks for making so much sense. If you don't mind me asking, how did you go about working things out and stop obsessing over the A? I don't want to sweep things under the carpet, whether or not I file for divorce.

I'm in 110%.
1. I don't like failure and so I know I need to give it all. No regrets.
2. I immediately saw that it wasn't the A that caused the failure. The A was the effect or result. I as the BW had much to do with our decline. I haven't completely discovered myself but I know that I had much to do with decline in marriage. Still sorting out my part.
3. Because I feel responsible for decline, I feel it is important that I get a chance to be forgiven for my part. I do realize that he can forgive me, without coming back. But I'm hoping that forgiveness on both our parts will be attainable.
4. Major reason of wanting to keep marriage is that we were good together but drifted. I don't see the drift as being anything not fixable.

And aside, I honestly think the A will eventually be thought of as a blessing in disguise for us as I feel confident the M will be so much better.