My youngest (20 year old) daughter recently wrote a letter to the 24 year old OW. The affair was disclosed on January 15th, and I had been literally eating my heart out because I had not had an opportunity to tell this gal what I thought about her, seeing as I have had to continue contact with her (if you've read my threads, you know my story) and to all outward appearances, things are "hunky dory" between us, which ENRAGED me on the inside. Well, my daughter wrote her a long letter, and was so honest and succinct, while not being vindictive. I couldn't have written it, I'm still too emotionally charged. In the letter, she told the OW that she wanted her to stop taking part in one of the activities that she and my daughters were all a part of that also involved me and my husband, saying that her mom could not handle having to work so closely with the two of them, and that she and her sister no longer wished to associate with her on any personal level. There was more, as she listed the things that this girl had done to our family. She pulled no punches, but wasted no words with any name-calling. At the end of the letter, she made a plea to this girl to do some self-examination. She told her that if she was ever tempted to become involved with another married man, that she should be aware that the NEXT family (wife and kids) might not let her off the hook as easily as we have.

The OW resigned from the group mentioned in the letter on Sunday, and tonight, told my daughter that she appreciated the letter. She said that she has done a lot of soul searching and realized that she has done alot of things that are wrong apart from the affair with my husband. (Keep in mind that we know that she is currently having an affair with her boss.) She said that she is making some changes in her life and is beginning to feel better about herself. She said that she hoped that my daughters could feel better about her too.

I'm glad if this protects another family. How do I feel about her now? I must be honest and tell you that I still want NOTHING to do with her. I learned still more about their physical relationship this past week, and I had another one of my "meltdowns" (it was a BAD night). While there was no intercourse, the frequency of their meetings was more often than I had supposed, and more passionate than I had hoped...
I am trying so hard not to be stuck in this bitter place, and I am making great strides in forgiving my husband. I have put him through the wringer, and to be brutally honest, perhaps that has somewhat satisfied my need for my "pound of flesh". He is so repentant, loving, and tender to me. I have been "radically honest" about my triggers and flashbacks, and we have worked through them together.

On the other hand, I have had to keep my thoughts about this girl largely to myself because I don't want to cause my husband to continue to focus upon her. I don't want to be a burden to my daughter, either, so I try not to talk about it around her. I am praying to be able to forgive this girl, but the words sound false to me when I pray. I guess I'm still not ready. This gives her some control over me, doesn't it? I don't want that. I need to take my life back and stop dreading church! I used to love going, but now, I start dreading Sundays on Thursday morning, and Wednesday nights on Monday morning. On the few occasions when the OW didn't come, I felt so much freer to worship and enjoy the fellowship. When she is there, I am distracted and self-conscious. I want my life back! I want to be able to ignore her. I pray daily that she leaves!

I did have some thoughts this week that I believe may have something to do with my renewed anger and hurt everytime something new is disclosed. In my heart, I believe that I knew that my husband had kissed this girl many times right from the disclosure day, but perhaps as an act of self-preservation, I told myself that when he told me he had kissed her, he meant that he had kissed her once. When he said that he had touched her breasts, because he didn't say he had touched them many times, I took it to mean that he had touched them once. I couldn't admit to myself that he had been so horrible! I think that it was just too much for me to digest at once, and I have strung it out over the past 4 months. It's been like eating an elephant... you know, "one bite at a time". Does that make sense to anyone?

I would dearly love to tell this gal that one of my prayers for her is that someday, when she is my age, someone just like her will do to her and her family JUST what she has done to me and mine. No more, no less. I'd like to tell her that what goes around, comes around, and that she'd better be looking over her shoulder. Hey! Does anyone think that I might still be just a tad bitter???? NAHHHHHHHH

I had an experience some years ago where I was sorely wronged by someone in church. This to made my ability to participate very difficult as I could "feel" when this person was in the room. I went to see my leader about this and was advised to pray for this person. This was not about praying to be able to forgive them but praying that the Lord would bless them in every aspect of their lives. Slowly the feelings that I had towards this person changed. I am not sure if he ever knew the depth to which his actions hurt me but I do know that by following the instructions that jesus gave to pray for our enemies that over time things got better and this burden was lifted from my shoulders. Maybe you could try this.

I guess we all go through that phase of wondering about OW perspective. But as an old OW on this site put it and very clearly, ...the affair is all about selfishness. It is not any deeper than that.

Forgiveness is something that is natural in due time. It comes with the seasoned understanding about the nature of the certain people that caused us pain. When we get beyond the time and information needed, then things tend to be forgiven. Not forgotten. It is not the same as a more minor sin, but one of true testing and true depth.

Glad to hear from you. It helps to come here and help others too. Our pain and overcoming of infidelity can be used to some good at the MB site.

agree that praying for the OW is truly the best thing we can do and often the only thing we can do. i think the prayer needs to be that God's will to be done in the OW's life and for his will in your life. What is God's will in the life of the OW? it's that she will be convicted, brought on her knees and be brought back to him. maybe that's for her to move to another church maybe it's not. it definitely includes her stopping the behavior she is CONTINUING to do. God's will in your life would include forgiveness and obedience. That is truly all we need to pray for is for God's will to be done. he knows our needs and we just need to pray w/dedication and confindence that HIS WILL will be reveal to us.

we cannot help feeling what we feel or think and when i say that i'm referring to wanting something like this to happen to this girl when she's your age. you know that is not God's will. but we are human and God gave us the way we think and feel for a reason, so again we just need to pray for his will to be done and in these instances to pray that God will remove those thoughts and words from us and replace it w/those that would be pleasing to him.

kudos to your daughter, what a great testimony and example she is and how much others could learn from her, including her parents <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i spoke recently w/my mom about her church bulletin (i had got one when i went to visit her for mother's day) i said that i know that she is a private person and that she is praying for my husband as well as my sister's husband (for his salvation) but that i was surprised not to see her son-in-law's names not in the bulletin under prayer request. i told her that she didn't have to say why she was asking for prayer for them or what it was for only that God's will be done in their lives. that's all that needed to be said. because God's will is for my sister's husband to be saved and for my husband to end his A and reconcile w/me. but i told my mom if she believed in the power of prayer then how can other people pray for others if they don't necessarily know that they need prayer. yes, we can always say we have an unspoken prayer request and God knows what those needs are but still it would help for others to have more focused prayer for those that need it. i again told her that all the bulletin prayer request needed to say was for God's will in my sister's husband and my husband and leave it at that. of course she agreed w/me and she talked to her pastor about it a few days later. she told him what i had said and how she was learning from me about prayer. she said that her pastor just laughed a little and that he promised that the names would be in the church bulletin that coming sunday.

not sure where you are located but if you can listen to the bott radio network it will help you tremendously and be a great blessing to you. i think i've mentioned this to you before but maybe not. it is a Christian radio network started by a man with the last name of Bott. it has messages by people like Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Charles Stanley, Dr. David Jeremiah, etc. they have messages on their 24/7 about marrriage, parenting, God's will, struggles w/faith, etc. you can go to the webiste of the same name bottradionetwork.com and see if there is a radio station near you that has the bott radio network. you can also listen to the station online if you have speakers. try it out and you won't be dissappointed.

again praying for our enemies is commanded by God. wishing you continued strength and prayers to you.

Dear Friends,
Thank you for your replies. I do realize that I should pray for this girl. Something is seriously wrong with her in some way, and I should be more compassionate toward her. You know, it justs emphasizes once more how you "can't judge a book by it's cover". She is a pretty girl (very well endowed) and yet in the 4 years that I have been aquainted with her, I have known her to have dated only one fellow that she had met through her job. That relationship lasted for only two weeks. She is intelligent, but comes across as being very shy. Once you get to know her, she is NOT shy, but tends to be quiet around strangers, which is not that unusual.

She is tremendously manipulative towards me in that she "stations" herself near me when she could just as easily sit somewhere else. She continues to attend functions that she knows I will be attending. She makes a point of keeping her head down if I happen to look her way and will not meet my gaze. I spoke to my therapist about this, and asked her if she thought that the fact that she wouldn't look me in the eye was indicative of her repentance, or at least embarrassment. My therapist said, no, if she was truly embarrassed or repentant, she would not be putting herself into those situations at all. The downcast look is an act of manipulation. It is an attempt to make you feel sorry for her.

Well, in a way, I do feel sorry for her. I am sorry this whole thing happened. Part of my fixation upon her being at church is because I associate the place with being their first point and continued point of contact. I'm beginning to be able to intellectualize this a little. Maybe that's a first step, because until this week, all that I was capable of was a litany of her (and his) wrongs and a recitation of my suffering. My anger is abating somewhat, and for that I am thankful. My medication is helping me, I know, and I am tempted to stop taking it to see how I REALLY feel. My emotions are being dulled a little, I'm sure, but that can be a good thing. I know that it is helping me get through those difficult days.

Back to the prayer issue. I KNOW I SHOULD PRAY FOR HER... Time to be radically honest - I think I didn't want God to forgive her, either. I was filled with a need for revenge, and I know that's wrong too. My husband has talked at length to me about this. He is praying for this girl, and wants me to pray with him. I must tearfully and ashamedly admit that I refused. I went through the motions, but didn't mean it from my heart. I have got to talk to the Lord about this. He's surely tired of my moaning and groaning by now, and I've wallowed in my self pity for long enough (almost <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Thank you for reminding me of what the Christian life is about and for what God has done for me. He forgave me; surely I can pass that forgiveness on to another hurting person, and I do acknowledge that she must be hurting, too. That's a major thing for me to admit.

Love you all...

very interesting what you related about what your therapist told you about the OW hanging her head. i wouldn't have thought about it that way and i think it is a very valid consideration. that's why i think so highly of counseling because it helps us to look at siutations or others in a way that we wouldn't necessarily thought of in the first place. even though God does speak to us through his living word, it's not like it was in the days of the Bible when God was actually speaking out loud to his people and telling them specifically what to do.

if i were you i wouldn't be able to pray w/my H for this girl either. i don't think that is being very respectful or considerate to you. i think he probably has the right intentions but i would just tell him that "i do pray for her and for God's will to be done but it's something i have to do on my own." again, just my opinion.

you know this walk w/God is not an easy thing to do but you are making great strides. just look at how far you have come. in reality we are talking about a relatively short-time frame here for all this to have happened. i know it doesn't seem like that to you and only when i compare your situation to others can i say that. so don't beat yourself up about your H dealing w/your emotions and the way you feel about yourself. as far as the medication thing, do not stop taking it PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! once someone starts taking medication like that the usual lenght of treatment is 12-18months. now that's not to say you have to stay on it that long but when you consider how much more you and your H will have to do in your recovery, i think it would really behoove you to continue on the medication.

not sure if this OW is hurting right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but she will someday, especially if she truly gets right w/God. but it's not for you to try to convince her to do, well you're not really talking to her anyway but i think you get what i mean. i'm coming more from the standpoint (about our walk w/God and our situations) that we believe that God sent his son to die for us and save us from our sins and that he can do anything, so why is it so hard to believe that he can do anything else? like convict these OP's and WS's and soften their hearts to do what's right.

keep up the good work, wishing you continued strength and prayers to you, RR

last night in church my pastor touched upon Romans Chapter 12 and 13 in his sermon on revenge, avenge, and vengence. of course i was able to apply this to my own life but thought of you as well and wanted to point you in that direction. i'm sure you've read it before but it never hurts to read it again. Romans 12 is calling you Marie and as always continue to pray. God Bless, RR

ME1, check out my thread "doing what i can for as long as i can...." i have listed a lot of websites that have various programs on there that i think you would benefit greatly from. i'm sure you have come across some of them already in your own ministry. prayers to you.

Dear Roughroad,
I am having a better day! Last night, I went, as usual, to Prayer Meeting. Our teacher taught us about praise and worship. After the closing prayer, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to start singing! This is way out of character for me, but I just "burst into song", and most of the congregation joined me in a praise song. You know, it is impossible to have an anxiety attack while you are praising the Lord. I ended up having to sit at the end of the row that the OW was sitting in (four people between us). As I sat down, she leaned forward to see me (I saw her in my peripheral vision) and I didn't even flinch.

After the service, I went to the choir room to begin the rehearsal, and once again, she came and sat in the front row. This really bugs me, because I rearranged the seating last month, putting her into the BACK row of her section. I think she is baiting me in some way - some psychological game, I suppose, but whatever the reason, I didn't get that flush of anger and anxiety that usually comes over me at every rehearsal. HOORAY! After rehearsal, I came home and didn't break down crying on the way home as I have done every Wednesday for four months!!!! Friends and neighbors, this was a major victory. I think it is connected with the fact that she resigned from the activity I mentioned.

I perceive that as a small measure of punishment for her, and I feel like just a smidgeon of justice has found it's way to her. That may sound vindictive, but it's how I feel. I am re-reading Romans 12. I know my heart is not right yet, but I do think that God is working in this, through my daughter perhaps, because I never made a request for her to write this letter, and emphasized to her that I would be "fine" if the OW continued to come to the aforementioned activity. So, I don't think it's wrong to rejoice at what has happened. To most, this would be something very small, but to me, as a BS, little things can be HUGE!!!!
RR, you are right when you talk about seeing things differently. By the way, I'm glad you didn't get hurt in your accident. Things that used to ruffle me don't anymore. When the worst thing has happened to you, anything less than that is, well, less!! On the other hand, anything that in any remote way reminds me of the Affair or of the OW in any way is BIG, BIG, BIG!


I hate Verizon Wireless commercials with a passion. I hate car commercials for her brand of car. I have an inner detector that looks for her car whenever I'm driving. Songs that speak of love,etc. etc.

I had a meltdown last week when my husband took me to see "Troy", because just as the movie began, he leaned over and whispered, "There are some passionate love scenes in this movie. Is that going to bother you?". Of course, that little voice in my head started whispering, "This is how he kissed HER. This is like what THEY did." By the end of the movie, which I really DID NOT enjoy, I was ready to jump out of my skin. Again, I had made myself believe that although he had kissed her (he admitted to that rather early on), surely he had not been PASSIONATE with her. Pretty pathetic, right? Well my emotions really got away from me that night. I had had very little sleep in the last few days, and I think that contributed to my fragile hold on my tear-ducts! We had a rocky night, and it almost ruined the week. BUT, God has a way of rescuing us, doesn't He?

We got dressed the next morning and joylessly went out to eat. While we sat in the restaurant, awkwardly making small talk, a song came on, and my husband said, "I love this song. It's just exactly how I feel about you." The song was "Still the One" by the Orleans (...We're still having fun, and you're still the one...) I started crying (again), but this time, the tears were tears of joy. That turned the whole thing around! This song was recorded in the late 70's, and we left the restaurant and tracked this CD down. I've just about worn it out. I keep it with me all of the time. My husband wants me to get a T-shirt made that says "Still the One" on the front, and "We're Still Having Fun" on the back. He wants me to wear it to casual church activities! He's pretty cool for an old man, don't you think?

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: MARIE ELENA1 ]</small>

ME: Great post! Thanks for sharing. How you are managing to deal with the after effects of your H's A and the OW still being around are amazing! While my situation is different, I too have to deal with "seeing" the OM regularly. I too have had thoughts of vengence against him. I got to see him "closeup" last week and he looks much older now. I felt happy, as if maybe that was his punishment for what happened. Keep sharing, it gives me strength. Thanks again!

Dear Recovering H,
As our former president said, "I feel your pain"!
Hey! I'm glad you got a chance to get an up close look at the OM. You know, I'll bet he does look older as a result of the Affair. One can only hope, eh?

I have felt terrible about my thoughts about the OW, so I can identify with your thoughts of revenge. When this happened, I could have gleefully run over her by accident at least four or five times with my car!

One bad thing happened last week, though, that made me rethink some things. My therapist advised me to write letters to my husband and the OW, even though I would never send them. I keep a journal and I really vent in it! I was also writing letters to HER on my computer. I had deleted all of those letters, but didn't delete the latest one that I was still ranting and raving in.

My oldest daughter (23) came over last week while I was away and used my computer. She found the letter in my documents, and thought it was the letter that I mentioned at the beginning of this thread that my younger daughter had written. She opened the file, and discovered MY letter. ARRRGHH! First of all, I had never told her about the physical aspects of the affair. When she discovered her father's involvement, she had asked him whether or not he had kissed this girl, and he had lied to her, telling her, "no". So, she reads my letter and finds out that he did indeed kiss her and did some other things, too. She was so hurt. I felt TERRIBLE. My husband had already asked me to tell her the truth, and I was really planning on doing that this week. He thought that she would take it better from me. Well, she not only found out in this terrible way, but she also read my HATEFUL comments about this girl. I was so angry when I wrote that letter, that I really let her have it, and I also expressed what I would like to DO to her for revenge! I am embarrassed that anyone read that. I guess that if I'm embarrassed to have it read, then perhaps I shouldn't be thinking it, either...

That part is getting better as I begin to feel closer to my husband. The more secure I feel with him, the less I am threatened by her presence, and the less threatening she is, the less I feel a need to THROTTLE her! ...I'm not QUITE there yet, though.

My therapist told me that what I am feeling and experiencing is common to betrayed spouses AND to anyone who has undergone a truly traumatic event. You and I are probably suffering from post traumatic syndrome. One of the symptoms is obsessive thought patterns. That's one that has continued to plague me. I think about the Affair all of the time. Well, not all of the time, but ALMOST all of the time. I can't seem to get it out of my mind unless I am busy with something else, and it has to be something that requires my complete concentration.
I will be praying for you. I know how tough this is. God bless you. Please pray for me, too. I had a good night last night, but I know from experience that I sometimes get over confident that I am "over it", and then, BANG! Some trigger goes off and I take two steps back and start asking the same questions again and again.
Do you do that?
Have a great evening.
Marie Elena

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: MARIE ELENA1 ]</small>

i here you about the Troy movie. i aboslutely love watching movies but i must admit i did have some very mixed and confusing emotions when i watched it (by myself BTW). maybe what stuck out most to me was the fact that paris's father accepted helen so easily and that all these people died because of the A. the of course the scenes w/brad pitt and the priestess, that just made me miss my H and truly how much i miss SF. it's been since october ( we've been living in 2 different states since then but not becaue of this) since i've been w/my H. we tried at christmas time, or at least i did. but no matter what i did he was not able to perform. of course one of the first thoughts in my head was "there's someone else" but i just lied to myself and just wrote the situation off to stress and that my H smoked and this could effect him in that way (ED).

so i tried not to make a big deal out of it. the next time we saw each other (end of january), i wanted to be w/him but he said that he didn't want to not be able to again and because he has such a fragile self esteem i didn't want to make it worse by forcing the issue. then DDay came in february and now i know why he could "do it" at christmas time. so anyway, needless to say i'm not sure how to handle my emotions and feelings when it comes to SF especially since I was the one who rejected my H so many times <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

but anyway, you've come a long way ME1 and keep it up. even though we can't control other people you still have a lot of control and you are letting this OW see that. kudos! continued prayers to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will be praying for you. I know how tough this is. God bless you. Please pray for me, too. I had a good night last night, but I know from experience that I sometimes get over confident that I am "over it", and then, BANG! Some trigger goes off and I take two steps back and start asking the same questions again and again.
Do you do that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regularly. Just when you feel like you're getting off the roller coaster, it takes off again - before you can get out.

Also, thanks for the prayers! I too will say one for you and others here. One thing from this ordeal...it has reconnected me spiritually and I am praying more.

Dear Recovering H,
I just read your story. WHEW!!!!!!
I think I would have run over that guy, but with a tractor or a hay baler or something like that.

To read your posts, one would think that this had happened a lot longer time ago than just 3 scant months. You must be a very mature thinking person.

This started out as a pretty good day, but I can't seem to get myself in gear long enough to accomplish anything. That is resulting in some pretty negative thoughts. I tell myself not to think about ________, and of course, then, I can't think about anything else!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Hope you have a super evening.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: MARIE ELENA1 ]</small>