Hello,
I'm new to this BB and would like some general help in reading the posts. Could someone point me to a place on the site that would help me with the acronyms?

Also, could you suggest an area of the site that might be a good beginning place for me.

Here's my story...
My husband and I have been married for 32 years. Early in our marriage he had a problem with alcohol and was with other women - I know of 3 "affairs". He stopped drinking many years ago - had one slip about 10 years ago and had a brief sexual encounter with another women during that bout. Then within the last year he had another affair without the usual return to drinking. All the affairs were devastating for me, but this last one blew me away and has changed me forever. I don't want to divorce him - I love the family we have raised and do love him, however, I really know that I can't ever fully trust him. I believe his affairs have hurt him almost as much as they have hurt me - he hates himself for it, and this last time said that he would seek counciling - therapy, religious counciling, whatever, but hasn't done so. I have pushed him a little, but I'm tired of pushing and no longer want to believe in a "fairy tale" that blows up in my face. I am 53 years old, I've been married for over 30 years - I don't want to have to go thru the trama of divorce, but I feel that maybe I am totally stupid and a pathetic needy woman for staying with him. It just seems like the best choice I can make is to stay, with open eyes and try to enjoy what there is to enjoy. There have been strong, smart women through out history that stayed with cheating men - does it always mean they are selling themselves short? Does it always mean that they are pathetic, co-dependant wimps that by not acting, accept the abuse they get? I am planning on returning to therapy myself, as I have no outlet to talk about this. None of our family or friends know and I wouldn't be comfortable talking with any of them - why distress them with this kind of news - it really won't help and would very much hurt our children. Anyway, that is why I joined this BB - to hopefully get other's perpectives and be able to make some solid progress in sorting this out for myself.

Thanks, galbec

HI! I'm sorry you have a need to be here,but there are a lot of people here who are willing to help you. You can find info on acronyms under Just Found Out forum. Look at Acronyms post and General Welcome post. Also a good place to start is by reading the basic concepts from the homepage. In addition you are not a totally stupid and pathetic needy women for staying with him or are you selling yourself short. It is hard to believe that now maybe but hang in there and read as much as you can. Also now it is not just women in your situation. I'm a man who has been betrayed. Read, Read, Read and Post you will see you are not alone and people will help you to help yourself.

Dear Galbec,

Welcome to MB. This is a place to learn and grow. Both for yourself and your M. Your personal growth is within you control and your M recovery requires participation by both of you and equally so.

Please review the concepts section above. 3, 5, 10, 25 or even 30 years is not in itself a reason to stay in an M without trust or even the though of living the rest of your life without trust. One day you may be dependent on each other, then what?

Also read the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both books are by Dr W. Harley.

You may find that his needs require a different type of communication and the same goes for him communicating with you.

If you can both take the EM questionnaire for his client, then setup a couple of sessions with Steve Harley.

Don't settle for less.

take care,
L.

I know exactly what you are feeling. I have been married for 38 years and its not easy to just say pack up and leave. Your entire lives are entertwined with each other. We would have great difficulty surviving on our own as our pensions funds etc have been taken out mutually and we share everything. A divorce would mean halving all our assets.. . .and at our age it would be difficult to rebuild a new life. Besides which I don't want a D and my H assures me that he doesn't want a D. He maintain the A was a huge mistake but like you I feel like a great big wimp condoning the affair as it were. I am the one using Plan A and trying my best to keep the marriage happy and entact and he is going along as though nothing has gone wrong. He has even been "cured" of his depression after telling me that he thinks the affair was the cause of his deep depression. So for the past four years I have live with his depression (often suicidal) as well as his A and now everything has to be rosy in the garden and we just move forward as though nothing has happened.

Well something huge has happened. I never believed in the phrase "my heart has been broken" but now I believe because my heart has truly been broken and I have now idea how to mend it. I know time will ease the pain but I doubt if this is something that I will ever be able to forget. I know that I have certainly not forgiven him and that I have to work through my pain before I can even think of forgiveness. It has been five month since D day for me and the pain and anguish still run deep.

Stay strong and just let time heal your wounds, its the most and best that we can do.

Enid

I would highly suggest counseling. If your husband refuses to go, then go alone. You need to figure out what you want out of the rest of your life and an objective third party can help. There are plenty of resources out there. Check your health plan first and that way the cost will be covered.

Thanks to all who responded - your suggestions are most appreciated. As most of you probably understand, I have felt so alone with all of this churning inside of me. I will read, read, read.... and before I registered at this site, I made an appt. with psychologist. I know that I will die (emotionally) if I don't take care of myself in this and I'm very glad to have found this site and this information. I can only hope that the upcoming process can include a M that is fulfilling for both my H and myself. Thank you all for your advise & encouragement, galbec