Me and my boyfriend have known each other for a year now. We started off as friends and are best friends. We fell in love around September of 2003 and are totally in love and adore one another. He had just recently got divorced from his wife of 13 years because of her infidelity. He tried to go to counseling to make it work with her because he has 3 children with her. She made it difficult because she still liked the man she had an affair with and because she was not happy in her current marriage with him. He was totally devastated, mostly for his children...and decided to leave her. Here is where the problem is. I had a problem with drugs for the past year. He has been there for me as a friend and a lover for a year now and has helped me quit. I have relapsed twice since November 2003. He only knows about one of the times. I have not told him about the other time because I cheated on him while doing this drug. I didn't have sex with the man but have fooled around with him. He knows this man because it is my friend's boyfriend. I told my friend about it and my current boyfriend that I fooled around with this guy about 6 years ago when she was seeig him. Needless to say, my friend was devastated and no longer talks to me (about 4 months now). My boyfriend suported me through all this and always says you are a good person, you just made some bad choices. He constantly makes me feel like I'm a good person and that I need to forgive myself and love myself. I want to be honest with my boyfriend and tell him that I relapsed with this drug again and have fooled around with this guy because I believe honesty is the best for our relationship and that's how my boyfriend feels also. I have been honest with him up until this incident. The guilt is eating me away and I feel he deserves so much better than me. I never thought I would ever cheat on him because I love him so much and he is the only one I ever want to be with forever, and him the same for me. I feel I would hurt him so much, especially because of his wife's infidelity. I feel he would never look at me the same and would never trust me again. I'm so hurt and feel that maybe I should just keep this secret from him, but how do I move on and forgive myself for this and not be honest with him. I was told sometimes things are better left unsaid, but I don't know what to do. I love him so much... and it's not so much that I'm afraid I would lose him, but really what matters is that I don't want to hurt him!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!

The straightforward answer is that you can't have it both ways.

By being dishonest, you ARE hurting him.

The old cliches' are reliable - honesty is the best policy and the truth will set you free.

You're hurting because of your secrets - the drugs and cheating.

Please come clean with him or leave him.

Also, send him to this site so he can learn more about what he's already experienced in his failed marriage and, if you choose to come clean, how he can make the most of his relationship with you.

By posting your questions you are showing the capacity to do the right things. Every passing moment is an opportunity for a complete turn around.

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: iwanttobehonest ]</small>

I know that I cannot have it both ways. I feel that by telling him I will hurt him, he won't trust me anymore and our relationship will go bad. We have the best relatioship in the whole world and we are the best of friends. I have betrayed him and don't want to lose what we have. He doesn't want to ever lose me either and especially doesn't want to lose a best friend. We have said that to one another because of his past and mine. I have a bad past also where I have cheated on my mates and it was because my relationships were lacking something. I also feel that I do have low self-esteem even though I'm a very pretty woman. I feel sex is sex, but when you love someone it's making love. And that's how my current relationship is now with him. I would never cheat on him, but I feel so guilty that I did. I think that maybe I was testing myself to see if I would. I know that if I wasn't high, I wouldn't have done it. I have been hit on before and I have told these men that I am in love and not interested. I took a chance by going to this man's house straight thinking I could get high without giving him some pleasure. I think I felt that (like in the past) I had to please him because he was getting me high for free. Every time he wanted to touch me, I would back off... I really didn't do much with him, just stroked him a little here and there just so that he wouldn't leave cause I wanted to stay high. Can't I keep this secret of mine and eventually I will forgive myself and move on? WHy should I put my guilt onto my boyfriend just to get it off my chest? I feel that honesty is the best policy, but not if it's going to hurt someone. I should be the one to suffer this guilt and deal with it on my own. Please let me know your input on these thoughts. Thank you so much for giving me your opinions. I'm so happy that I have found this site and I hope it will help me. I will eventually go see a shrink when I get my health insurance at my job, because I think I do have some emotional issues and I don't want anything to get in the way of my wonderful relationship with my man. It is the best relationship I ahve ever been in... so much sex, so much trust, friendship and love and affection. I want to keep it that way. And by me being honest, it will be destroyed. I feel I should deal with my own guilt by myself and eventually I will forgive myself. I have never really loved myself, but since being with my boyfriend I have started to slowly. I feel this incident has set me back to step one again, but I am sure I can rebuild it again. If I don't tell him, how do I get over the guilt and forgive myself? Time?

iwanttobehonest,

your name says it all. it is possible for your relationship to survive but you know you have to be honest first. what if he were to propose to you? could you accept with this lie between you? how long ago did all this happen? How old are you?

regarding the drugs, if i understand you correctly, sounds like you have relasped twice since you came clean in Nov 2003?? The thing is, it does not seem like you are really done working at beating your drug problem. You need to come clean on that too. What kind of help do you have fighting the drug addiction?

I am 100% sure your boyfriend is right, you are a good person that has made some bad choices but you can make better choices today. stick around here, keep posting and get the help you need.

I think your answers are within your own words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>We have the best relatioship in the whole world and we are the best of friends. I have betrayed him and don't want to lose what we have. He doesn't want to ever lose me either and especially doesn't want to lose a best friend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your relationship is as good as you believe, it will weather this storm and potentially get even better because you will be able to unload your guilt.

Yes, his trust will be challenged and he may choose to leave you. Maybe not. But by denying him this knowledge, you are doing him a HUGE injustice - arguably a bigger injustice than your actions.

You will likely not get support here for keeping your secrets. You will get tremendous support if you choose to truly heal - including some from other "mates." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

are you married already? i just noticed the title says don't want to hurt spouse but your post sounds like you are not married.

I think I would still accept a proposal, but I'm not sure. I have stayed with other relationships, but it was difficult holding in this guilt. I'm such an honest person, but I don't want to hurt him. It would devastate him and would hurt me even more. I don't mind hurting, I just don't want to hurt him mostly... and don't want our relationship to be different. I am 34 years old, this happened over the weekend when boyfriend went on fishing trip. He suspected that I was out getting high because of my track record of not answering my cell phone, but I told him I wasn't. He said just tell me the truth so we can fix it. He would be so disappointed in me again because I told him I relapsed a few weeks ago and he was disappointed. I told him I tested myself (after 5 months of being clean) with an old girlfriend to see if she was clean. If she was, i would be like great..we can hang then. If she wasn't, then I would say well I'm not interserted if she asked. I told him this happened after we had hooked up and she said she wasn't clean and then we both decided to get high. I was dishonest by telling him all this bull**** to make him believe that I was testing myself to make him feel proud that this would be the last time, that I just wanted to test myself and my strength and now I know I cannot hang out with people who still do it. The truth is, it was with this guy that I did it with recently this weekend... but we didn't fool around. He watched porno, and so did I, and we were naked. We didn't touch at all. He was just excited to see a live naked woman touching herself, which I hardly did cause every time it was time to take a hit, I would get paranoid after rushing and feel guilty for being there and start running around the room doing ****. He was the one who invited me over to talk about my telling his girlfriend (my friend) about our being together in the past. He said he still denied it to her and wasn't upset that I told her but that I should tell her that I lied because she may become my friend again. I have been friends with this girl for 25 years, why would I say I cheated with her boyfriend and lose our friendship. This guy is so stupid to think she would believe that I lied to her and made up a story like that. This guy has also physically (kicked, hit, grabbed, dragged by hair, pushed) and emotionally abused me, which I have never told my boyfriend. He knows I was with this man years ago, and had gave him oral sex (not until ejaculation), and watched porn with him semi-naked. But he does not know aobut the recent ****. He thinks I maybe shouldn't have told my best friend because it happened so long ago and that she was going to leave him anyway one day because he treated her like **** and he didn't want children and she did, so he would have never married her. So, I feel that maybe I shouldn't tell my boyfriend things either because it will just hurt him, just as me telling her would have, well DID, hurt her. I know all of this is confusing, sorry. I am 34 years old. Yes, I have relapsed twice since November 2003. I am done with beating my addiction and don't want to do it. I went over to just talk to this guy, and ended up geting tempted to ask if he still got high. Of course I knew he still did in my heart and I should have just said I can't come over and talk aboutg this with you cause I'm happy, and in love, and moving on...and I knew he was going to try and convince me to change my story to his girlfriend. I knew all of this ahead of time, and I still went there. I tested myself thinking I could do just one or two hits, talk with him, which I wanted to to get things straigthened out and see his feelings on it, and then leave. Of course, I can't just do a few hits and leave, and in my heart I thought I could. I was still being selfish and immature...or maybe I was just testig my strength again. I mean 5 months clean, I thought I could say NO!!!! I have suport from family and friends and boyfriend to stay clean.

Why will it get better cause I can unload my guilt? All it is doing is releasing it from my heart and putting it into his heart!!! That's not fair to him!!!

Yes, I know denying him this knowledge is injustice, but I think he truly would stay with me because he loves me so much and has taken me back a few times because of the drugs... even though we weren't committed until November. We were just seeing one another steadily.

You will likely not get support here for keeping your secrets. THAT'S MESSED UP SAYING THAT!!! MAYBE WE ALL DON'T DO THINGS THE SAME WAY AND DON'T DO IT HONESTLY, BUT I FEEL I SHOULD BE SUPPORTED NO MATTER WHAT ROAD I CHOOSE. I FEEL I'M AT LEAST BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF AND TRYING TO HEAL AND FORGIVE MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM CAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO RUIN THIS WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP. I SHOULD BE THE ONE TO SUFFER, NOT HIM.

You will get tremendous support if you choose to truly heal - including some from other "mates." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> HOW??

No not married, he is boyfriend. Read original message and you may understand a little better..sorry if I confused you.