When I confessed my EA (slightly PA - just kissing) a month ago my BH said he would like to know when I was missing OM. Up until last night I only had the nerve to tell him after the fact. Yesterday was a bad day for me, I was missing OM really bad. After a few hours of mooping around the house I told him. Almost instantly his mood changed from happy to irritated. I confronted him on it and he said he had been in a bad mood but had been trying hard to hide it - that it had nothing to do with me telling him. He said he wants to know so he can see what is going on in our lives that may cause me to start missing OM.
I guess I'll back up a little bit and give some history. OM wasn't just anyone, he is someone from my past that I have always had feelings for (and him for me). We had lost contact for a few years and when we found each other and were both married we said we'd be friends - that didn't work. BH finally met OM Sunday - it very well considered they both have bad tempers. My H did make sure OM told his W before he left. So OMW called me Mon. It has really been crazy. She was so nice, I felt so bad, but I can't deny that I still have feeling for him. I just hope they keep fading as my relationship with H gets stronger.
Sorry I got off the subject, but it kind of relates to why I miss OM and how knowing may effect BH.

Hey ConfusedinLA,
Your neighbor (little further south in a place known on TV as the OC) Cwmac here.

I am a male BS so I thought I'd give you a response. Our stories are similar in that my FWW got "reacquainted" with someone from her past as well. OM had worked with her before we were married and I always sensed something there which of course she always denied back then.

How far did the EA go? Did you and OM talk about your feelings to each other or was it a single kissing incident?

In your post you said....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Almost instantly his mood changed from happy to irritated. I confronted him on it and he said he had been in a bad mood but had been trying hard to hide it - that it had nothing to do with me telling him. He said he wants to know so he can see what is going on in our lives that may cause me to start missing OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Try to patiently tell him that you will comply with his desire to know but that it'll be easier on you if he doesn't respond in an angry fashion.

Easier said than done for him but regardless of his reaction you should comply with his wishes bc the honesty, even if it hurts, helps restore the trust IMHO.

Are you going to counseling or reading any marriage/ infidelity books?

Has your H asked for all the details including the "why?" ?

cwmac

cwmac,
Thanks for your response. My LA stands for Louisiana.
The EA lasted about 2 months. It was mainly on the phone. We did talk very deeply about our feelings for each other. We met 3 times - once in a public place with lots of hugs - the other 2 is private both involved kissing - the last was 2 days before I confessed to H. The meeting was powerful - I felt like I could have run away with him and left everything else behind (not that he ever suggested that) but that made me realize that I was too deep to come out of this on my own.
H has asked for some details - made me go show him where we met. He already knows a lot of the whys - we were have problems before this. He is now worried that any day, month or year now I will pack up and leave him for OM.
We both read HNHN about a year ago. He is reading LoveBusters now. I have been in IC for a year and a half, him in IC off and on for a year now. We have had 2 or 3 sessions together only 1 since my confession. He hasn't been back to IC since - but has talked to our priest a few times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BH said he would like to know when I was missing OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then the answer to you initial query is a no brainer...YES, you tell him.

You don't have to play up the drama...just give him the facts until he tells you to stop. You can also be sensitive to how and when you tell him.

But you must tell him.

That's the policy of radical honesty.

Low

Hi CinLA,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I confronted him on it and he said he had been in a bad mood but had been trying hard to hide it - that it had nothing to do with me telling him. He said he wants to know so he can see what is going on in our lives that may cause me to start missing OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thought is that your H wastn doing a very good job at hiding his bad mood (or that you are pretty perceptive?).

So maybe what was going on in your life that caused you to think about OM was that your H was down, and you hit a down spot about the same time. Makes a fantasy look pretty appealing when things get rough, dont you think? Just a guess.

Did you have an agreement with H that when you DID tell him these things, that he would be sympathic and not get angry with you for being honest? That's important if he's going to insist on honestly... he has to make it safe for you to be honest.

Please enjoy some good gumbo for me! I miss it terribly and cannot find anything decent on the west coast. Please take care - Dru