Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
Great analogy ark^^ hahhahah...but they BOTH have to painful. So how about this:

Would you rather have your eyes gouged with a hot poker?

Or Be staked to the earth and allow birds to eat them slowly?

I'll take the hot poker given the choice...but I resent having to choose no matter how much I may learn from blindness!!!

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
sufdb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
Hey, I wasn't "questioning" your choice, of course that was the poll, and your choice is your choice end of story.....I was just commenting on your commentary...right? Ok, a few more comments


star...Well part of the problem is that you didn't ASK me if I thought I could learn from either experience, survive it, flourish after it. You asked which I would prefer.

sufdb...yep. But the comments were related to your remarks about why you chose...not a complaint of what choice you made in the poll.

star...You know I learned about survival from growing up in a physically and sexually abuse home...to become a very well adjusted person who still finds beauty and life in the world. Would I choose to learn those lessons in that way if there was another way? Nope.

sufdb...and what if all the other ways resulted in a less attractive outcome for you...that is the point of the poll (to think about that, is really a different life philosophy...one not commonly appreciated methinks)....I know that is not easy for people to contemplate, to easy to have emotional reactions to the question...the question is all rational, no emotions allowed....probably should have said that, for all the good it would have done me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

star...Now you know half empty doesn't begine to describe me. Again...you gave me a choice of two hard lessons. Now that I've chosen the one you don't agree with...you're going to label me as negative???

subdb....no silly, all my comments are the general we, you, whoever...by now you must know I pretty much write in the if the shoe fits wear it mode. You seem to be an optimisitc person to me...

star..Again...there was no question about what opportunities we might be able to make out of hard lessons...we were just given a choice.

sufdb...yes, I limited the choice, but the point was to project from those two life experiences, what is most likely to give the best outcome...and was related to the regular complaint of just divorce me.....I suspect affairs are more likely to result in good outcomes, than not when marriages are in failure/crisis mode....I wondered if others concur....but as you have demonstrated, the poll is more likely to be answered from the viewpoint of pain experienced, than opportunity seen... that in itself is interesting, and IMO a direct corrollation to the majority temperament frequenting this site (and willing to take polls).

star...I didn't die from either experience....and yet, having experienced both I still have a preference. It seems strange to me that having experienced neither...that you get to decide who is psychologically healthy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

sufdb...guffawing, were that I could "decide" who is healthy or not...no, sorry star, no God complexes here... but kudos for the attempt to "dig" using my point.... Come on, if we all have to experience everything to have opinions or comment on the nature of human existence....we'd all have to go home...or at least participate only in places with folks identical to us, now theres a thought.....a site all sufdb's...or all star's....wonder what that would be like?

star...Given a CHOICE...what is psychologically LESS healthy than choosing the one that is less rejecting???

sufdb... That elevates rejection to life threatening status....which was one of my reasons for the poll....why does choosing less rejecting become the primary rationale....why not choose more rejecting, but a greater growth opportunity....isn't that essentially what sales is aboiut...and why many cannot hack sales....they can't tolerate the rejection....so doesn't that limit opportunity.....and wouldn't the same consideration apply in relationship matters?

star...Getting divorce papers is a better way to learn this lesson and it's a much better wake up call than knowing my H is in love with someone else....

sufdb...why? maybe knowing your H is in love with someone else gives you emtional information you could not "experience" any other way, and this will impact your reaction (for good or bad)...what do you think?


Both of my husband's communicated this same message to me. One of them, did it in a way that I prefer to the other.

sufdb...this is the crux of it, in your case, would you have preferred the divorce papers, and easier way out (for you, from a rejecting standpoint)....or in hindsite, has the growth you acheived been worth the rejection pain? regardless of whether your marriage improves or you eventually divorce....

star...Here we will have to agree to disagree. Since the definition for intergrity are as follows: Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; complete. Honesty; uprightness; rectitude, purity...I think that having an affair is definitely about integrity.

sufdb...And taken too far you have zealotry, ridgidity, and all it's dysfunctional offspring...that is my point. The word integrity implies something good, but it must be qualified, and one must closely examine how a given person manifests "integrity"....I have no doubt suicide bombers consider themself to have great integrity...and by your definition...they do.

star...We do have have hardwired responses. Integrity is doing the right thing in spite of that.

sufdb...Nope. If anything integrity is about consistentcy, and that can be good or bad....give me a wo/man who is not ridgid and can think, use their brain any day....I may not agree with them, but at least I can appeal to reason. It takes no brains at all to manifest integrity, it only takes a rule maker temperament. Cognition is what gives us the capacity to act against instinct...not integrity....and what do you do when you have people of equal integrity but diametrically opposed value systems? I give you a hint.... genoci__

As for destroying trust and confidence....yep, definitely something to be looked at.....but trust is not necessarily an issue, and may simply be your inappropriate response....an informed (now) ws may in fact be more trustworthy...but that has to be worked out for sure.

My innappropriate response??? I made a choice given the parameters of the poll.

sufdb...not YOUR (star) the general your....life on-line is so annoying sometimes....sigh...

sufdb...And those divorces are void of integrity too...I agree. But the fact that some divorces are dishonest...doesn't make affairs any better.

sufdb....looking confused....did I say that somewhere? Of course not.

a request....plz do not think anything I say is about you specifically unless I state so....even if it seems like it (long as a general discussion, rather than personal advice is obviously going on).....endless disclaimers about comments being general just get tiresome.

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
sufdb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
ark... the equaling of an affair to nothing more than a life learning experience...with the tone that one should have an open mind to being betrayed just in case they might "learn" something from it...is beyond my (closed mindedness I'm sure to be labeled) mind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

sufdb..but that is all it is, a life experience, a hot poker destroys eyesight, that is a huge deal....would you prefer the hot poker to ONE eye (you keep the other) or an affair? There is a difference between permanent damage...and hurt feelings (all rejection essentially is)...we experience hurt feelings to tell us stuff...but it is hardly permanent injury....otherwise no one could recover...yet pretty much everyone who wants to, does recover, and usually quite well.

)...the point of the poll is to ascertain whether folks "see" any difference between the two events, and whether those differences are significant in some way...

they are apple and oranges....

sufdb...not really ark, these are the primary ways marriages (or relationships) end...and both are essentially rejection....I guess I could have included death types of endings...that would be different....how about this....would you perfer your marriage end by death of spouse....or by affair.....now there is a soul searching question.

ark...the amount of gross disrepect that is involved just on the nature of an affair is undeniably a factor that seperates the two on the spectrum...

sufdb....how so.....gross disrespect abounds in marriages, especially long-term dysfunctional marriages....hard to see where that is preferable to the disrespect of a affair.


ark...the intimate involving of a third party into someones life on such a personal level.takes it to a new level and playing field.....makes the two thing morally and ethically uneven...and making them the BS the enemy... ..with all the other aspects of gross disrepect on a continuem...
that occur in an affair...


sufdb...these are all details, which vary considerably, and I was trying to exclude situations from the mix...clearly if we could all "define" how we wanted out marriage to end, we would do so as painlessly as possible...but that is not how life works, hence my interest in how people view these two related issues (since the lament is, divorce me first, if you are going to be in an affair) given the possibility an affair is actually a greater opportunity than a straitforward divorce.. Maybe that isn't true, but that was the reason for the poll, and how people should consider the question.


ark...the upside...is you get the life experience of being blind...and may learn some valuable lessons on learning to trust other people....and relying on others...and how better to arrange your living room.....

so since the learning lessons in the end are equal...

which would you choose?...

sufdb...I am unsure of the question....is the point that I am blind in either case? Then I would want the blindfold (emotional avoidance of pain), but I would choose the poker (rational appreciation is the better character builder, and makes the most of becoming blind).

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
sufdb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
np...sufdb, the problem with your grasping the idea of someone preferring divorce over an affair is that you're looking at the affair situation through your own experiences.

sufdb...as must we all. I have to go, but will comment later. Thx for your participation.

Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 2,262
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 2,262
It is an interesting question...

If I was back at the same place I was just before the affair and had I decided to divorce instead of continue forward in the affair, I'm convinced we would all be worse off today. More than likely, I would be married to the OW and dealing with child support, alimony, ex's, etc.

I think there is a point to be made that once one reconciles in their mind that they want a divorce and actually pursues it, it is much, much harder to recover the relationship at that point.

As painful as the affair was, there was still enough to our marriage to make me want to stay. I never, at any time, wanted to end my marriage.

Low

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 201
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 201
Your question is whether people prefer to be served divorce papers or to be surprised with an affair. Both are very painful experiences, but at least if one is served divorse papers there is not the added pain of being betrayed, insulted, demoralized, cheapened, and all the feelings that go along with being cheated on. The torment of knowing that your spouse, whom you have loved and trusted, is capable of sleeping with someone else and disregarding the pain that he/she causes is way too much.

At least, with the divorse you have a chance to talk without the addition of a third person into the equation. You may be very disappointed and you have to understand why and may be easier to try to work things out. An affair does not give you those opportunities. You are hit broadsided by a train and then it is very difficult. There is also the breakage of many important things in a marriage like trust, honesty, communication, etc.

The results may reflect that no one wants to feel the pain of an affair.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
we experience hurt feelings to tell us stuff..
not always.....
sometimes things hurt and we learn nothing..
and not because we aren't open to learning...
sometimes there is nothing to learn....
and its just feelings... just hurt...
not all feelings equal great life learning lessons....sometimes they just hurt...

and the involvement of a third person to disrupt a marriage....is not a minor detail
It is the detail that makes the two unequeal...
unnanounced divorce vs AFFAIR

because though an unannanounced divorce hurts...it still speaks of protecting a spouse on a certain level...

an affair is the total removal of the protector role that should exist in marriage..

and I don't think you can remove that from the mix...

some people learn great valuable noble life lessons...and nothing bad ever happens to them...

so I guess my answer is I would rather be given divorce papers...even at the risk of giving up a life lesson....
AND
my disclaimer is that I don't believe the two are equal at all.....in action....

ark

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But the comments were related to your remarks about why you chose...not a complaint of what choice you made in the poll.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah...so you would like me to consider amd weigh the results or possibility of opportunites for each of these scenarios instead of ONLY the pain experienced. Okay, I can do that.

Done...I choose the papers. Why? Well you're limiting the opportunities to ONLY saving the marriage. While neither of my husbands gave me the optimal choice of not doing either without prior notice....the papers gave me much more opportunity to choose other people or paths for self actualization because I was as free as he was. Free to choose, free to move on, free to find someone else. The only opportunities available to me in the affair scenario....assuming as you say the marriage doesn't fail because of it...is the marriage...a compromised one at that....and the continuity for my children. For me personally, the papers still seem like a better deal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and what if all the other ways resulted in a less attractive outcome for you...that is the point of the poll (to think about that, is really a different life philosophy...one not commonly appreciated methinks)....I know that is not easy for people to contemplate, to easy to have emotional reactions to the question...the question is all rational, no emotions allowed....probably should have said that, for all the good it would have done me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even rationally speaking....I still see more opportunity (since none of us can predict the future and what avenues may be opened by either outcome) with the wide open scenario...divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I limited the choice, but the point was to project from those two life experiences, what is most likely to give the best outcome...and was related to the regular complaint of just divorce me.....I suspect affairs are more likely to result in good outcomes, than not when marriages are in failure/crisis mode....I wondered if others concur....but as you have demonstrated, the poll is more likely to be answered from the viewpoint of pain experienced, than opportunity seen... that in itself is interesting, and IMO a direct corrollation to the majority temperament frequenting this site (and willing to take polls).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth is that we can't possibly know what the best outcome is. My H could divorce me, and I might find the love of my life....or the Marquis de Sade. My H might disclose an affair and my marriage could become wonderful or deteriorate slowly until divorce....or as in my case...another affair. Does one perspective offer more hope of a better outcome...only if one believes that "marriage" should be saved at all cost. That isn't me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guffawing, were that I could "decide" who is healthy or not...no, sorry star, no God complexes here... but kudos for the attempt to "dig" using my point.... Come on, if we all have to experience everything to have opinions or comment on the nature of human existence....we'd all have to go home...or at least participate only in places with folks identical to us, now theres a thought.....a site all sufdb's...or all star's....wonder what that would be like?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hehehhehehehhe....well you have to admit that you didn't expect to find someone who had experienced both huh??? LOL especially MOI!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That elevates rejection to life threatening status....which was one of my reasons for the poll....why does choosing less rejecting become the primary rationale....why not choose more rejecting, but a greater growth opportunity....isn't that essentially what sales is aboiut...and why many cannot hack sales....they can't tolerate the rejection....so doesn't that limit opportunity.....and wouldn't the same consideration apply in relationship matters?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't go getting dramatic on me here. Self preservation is not unhealthy....to do otherwise is masochistic. So it takes a good balance between choosing BOTH likely opportunities AND risk. I think I did that. I still prefer the papers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this is the crux of it, in your case, would you have preferred the divorce papers, and easier way out (for you, from a rejecting standpoint)....or in hindsite, has the growth you acheived been worth the rejection pain? regardless of whether your marriage improves or you eventually divorce....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My growth is not DEPENDENT on what anyone else does...papers or affairs. Divorce wasn't the least bit easy....I still love him even now...even married to someone else. I love my current husband as well and wouldn't trade him for the first. Neither of them (or their actions) gets credit for my growth...only their own. I grow because I can. I grow because I'm an insatiable learner and I have spiritual strength. My sister is growing as a result of MS...into the most amazing woman I have ever met....but I'd rather she was healthier and having a much better time than being worried about growth. So would she I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And taken too far you have zealotry, ridgidity, and all it's dysfunctional offspring...that is my point. The word integrity implies something good, but it must be qualified, and one must closely examine how a given person manifests "integrity"....I have no doubt suicide bombers consider themself to have great integrity...and by your definition...they do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this suf....and find it quite scary....especially when taken to the extremes like genocide. Fanatics are very scary folks indeed....especially those who believe they have integrity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> plz do not think anything I say is about you specifically unless I state so....even if it seems like it (long as a general discussion, rather than personal advice is obviously going on).....endless disclaimers about comments being general just get tiresome. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Otay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Wouldn't want to tire out the poor wittle puddy tat!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 34
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 34
I would prefer divorce, actually because it's definitive. At least I would know where I stood--my FWS would be saying clearly "I may care about you as a friend, but I don't really want to be married to you anymore."

In my particular situation, I strongly suspect my FWS remaining in the marriage is more a matter of convenience/practical self-interest than any particular attraction or feelings for me personally. He obtains more benefits with less effort on his part by remaining in the marriage than by divorcing.

And if he happens to meet another willing romantic partner whom he finds preferable someday, I would hope he would serve me with divorce papers as opposed to attempting another affair. But I suspect that would not be the case, because as you said, divorce requires much more effort than an A.

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
If I had to choose, I would definitely choose DIVORCE over the affair. Though I have never been divorced, my parents were and my brother and sister have both been divorced at least once. It is also a painful process, and I am not trying to minimize that, but I would never have believed an affair could be as devastating and damaging as it is. I doubt that anyone who hasn't personally experienced it could understand how horrible it is.

Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 296
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 296
For me divorce would have been much kinder. At least had I been given notice that he had given up on the marriage then I would have still been able to respond - but without the trauma of his affair. Now it's as if he has taken a long tropical vacation without me and away from our marriage - he is refreshed and I am suffering the greatest pain I have ever suffered before. We may still get that divorce anyway and I will ALSO have to carry this scar forever. Divorce first would have spared me all this agony.

Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 3,042
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 3,042
Hi Sufbd,

In my first marriage, I choose the Divorce. My marriage to my ex was bad, I'd tried over and over to get him to MC, I enlisted his families support. We'd been married almost seven years.

I started a new job and started having feelings for a man I worked with. I never revealed my feelings to this man and nothing inappropriate ever occurred. Once I acknowledged these feelings to myself, I told my H I wanted a D. I wanted out of that marriage and consciously decided I would not have an Exit Affair (although I guess I did have an exit EA). I never did date that man at work.

I’ve got a wicked reputation for being a prankster, and H & I have discussed this. If he leaves this marriage honorably I will respect his honesty and behave like an adult. We have been through enough MC, IC, and MB that if he’s having problems with this marriage, I know he has the resources to get help long before he enters an A. Our marriage will end if there is an A, so best he leaves first. If he strings me along, lies, and has an A, I will take him for everything he is worth. I will make his life a nightmare. I don’t want to try to repair this marriage if he has an A, we’ve been through enough. - Dru

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 8,069
For me, DEFINITELY, without a DOUBT, I would pick "DIVORCE".

I mean really .... placing the shock, devistation, anger, lieing, deception etc. etc, etc. aside, I know for a fact I could have certainly done without the diseases and subsequent cancer it caused, not to mention the illegitimate children, and lets not forget the death threats and verbal abuse from the OW(s), complete strangers to me.

Pretty much a no-brainer there, suf.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
sufdb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> For me, DEFINITELY, without a DOUBT, I would pick "DIVORCE".

I mean really .... placing the shock, devistation, anger, lieing, deception etc. etc, etc. aside, I know for a fact I could have certainly done without the diseases and subsequent cancer it caused, not to mention the illegitimate children, and lets not forget the death threats and verbal abuse from the OW(s), complete strangers to me.

Pretty much a no-brainer there, suf.

Lv,
Jo </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, and I commiserate, you were sorely treated...but the poll is not situational....it is general about opportunity and growth....clearly if we could "know" each outcome....sometimes either would be correct...but we can't know, and this poll is not about hindsite...

It is a tough poll though, hard not to answer out of personal experience, rather than the psuchology involved.... I suspect those who had good outcomes, improved marriages, wakeup call to their own issues, etc. would be more inclined to see the opportunity in an affair crisis....than in a divorce decision, which one is less likely to back off from.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
"I suspect those who had good outcomes, improved marriages, wakeup call to their own issues, etc. would be more inclined to see the opportunity in an affair crisis....than in a divorce decision, which one is less likely to back off from."

Well... I am one of the lucky ones enjoying an awesome recovery for 8 years now...

And

You "suspect" incorrectly.

I would rather been given a divorce wake up call... than to be a betrayed spouse. Hands down.

You are wrong about this.

Pep


<small>[ May 26, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Holy kapeevy dust! I'm with Pep, and I'm not even in recovery yet. Not really, that is.

"PAIN!" - Mr. Spock

but the truth is, we didn't get a choice. having said that, I'd still would have preferred my W divorce me 13 years ago rather than have an A.

...this is kind of like a question I was asked a long time ago: "Would you rather be gillotined, or hung (2 death, that is)?", 2 which I replied "I'd rather eat ice cream!"

-ol' 2long

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
I agree with Pepperband absolutely. We have "recovered" as much as possible, and the man I am married to is truly a much better person than he was before. So I guess the affair was a "growth experience" for him. But even with the hindsight of five years of this behind me I would STILL choose divorce over the affair. Without a doubt.

And if I had the power to turn back the clock and absolutely KNOW the future of all this, I would STILL choose the divorce.

I don't know, but I am guessing that the creator of this poll had an affair and still doesn't "get it". Am I right? I've never seen the name before, but the writing style is definitely very familiar. Is this a former poster with just a new name?

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
Nope,,,6 years of recovery,,,a far better marriage ,,,and I still agree with Pep.

A divorce would have been far more merciful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
S
sufdb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 1,508
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> "I suspect those who had good outcomes, improved marriages, wakeup call to their own issues, etc. would be more inclined to see the opportunity in an affair crisis....than in a divorce decision, which one is less likely to back off from."

Well... I am one of the lucky ones enjoying an awesome recovery for 8 years now...

And

You "suspect" incorrectly.

I would rather been given a divorce wake up call... than to be a betrayed spouse. Hands down.

You are wrong about this.

Pep
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, I stand corrected re yourself anyways (why I said suspect...I don't know)...and apparently some others..... but I have to ask, is the quality of your marriage now such that you would willingly forgo it (and be divorced) then have experienced the affair? And, do you think you learned nothing (of value) about yourself, life, etc. any differently by way of affair than you would of from divorce?

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
Give up, SNL.

Your desperate attempts to justify your decisions are glaring.

These people are answering honestly.

For the record, since I didn't answer your poll, I would have MUCH prefered honesty. In essence, this is what your poll is about: Do you prefer honesty or lies from pond scum?

WAT

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Page 2 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 254 guests, and 90 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5