</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> No, I do not do meetings or anything, I'm not in a program because I still enjoy drinking wine occassionally and my boyfriend does drink beer. I never had a problem with that, it's the cocaine that I had problem with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This puts you a VERY HIGH RISK for future misdeeds...

and I don't think you should trust yourself!!!

Go to meetings, learn how to live in the real world... then your mind will have clarity.

Until then, your confusion and distress will compound.

I adopted 2 kids born to an addict... I know what is real, and what is not... and you still use.


Pep

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

In the beginning of our friendship, we have both said to each other we will be totally honest with one another. That if we did want to see other people or have a fling, we would tell one another and break up first before betraying or hurting one anohter. I didn't stick to my bargian. I'm a failure and I feel I brought my past failures of infidelity into my current. If I was just honest with him in the first place that it was a weakness of mine, I think I may not have done it and would have had a stronger bond with him than I thought I have. And same goes for with the crack... He knows it's tough for me to quit and I have been honest, but when I was clean for 5 months I told him I'm doing great and feel great, which I was, but little did I know, the temptation came when the trigger showed up and I gave in. That in turn led me to be unfaithful. I feel if I tell him it will hurt him and just relieve me of my guilt. I lacked empathy and made a big mistake. I don't think I can forgive myself for it, and I oculd just imagine how he will react. I just want a good relationship with him of honesty and trust and I feel this has ruined it all. Maybe if I tell him first about my past and then eventually I can tell him about my infidelity. I just don't know how to do all this without him walking out in the middle of it and not letting me finish and him only seeing his version of it. Because of what his exwife did, I feel he may think I'm the same... but I'm not... cause I love him to death, respect him and cherish him. I don't know why I have done this in the past to others or even with my current boyfriend and I don't know how to get better. I guess confiding in my best friend could help, but how can it really help me be a better person and be faithful and not do drugs??

In all honesty, I don't think this site will help you much.

You need professional help. Not a message board.

You have a serious problem. Get actual real life help.

Drug counseling and a psychiatric evaluation.

You need face-to-face therapy.

Good luck.

Pep

He is your boyfriend now. You know you have personal issues that you need to resolve. You do not want to be honest with him and you have had these affairs. If you care for him, you should consider letting him go and stop dragging him along. It is not fair to him to have to suffer when he finds out the real you. You need to question your motives for having him believe you love him and yet you do not respect him (your actions do not show respect). Let him go.

As far as yourself is concerned, you need to find out what drives you to act as you do. Learn about your self and take corrective action so that you may be 100% happy in the future.

I do want to be honest with him about this incident, but I don't know how to tell him, cause I know it will kill him and it may make him not love me the same anymomre. I do care for him with all my heart! I'm not dragging him along. I just won't ever make that mistake again. I think personally he would prefer me not to tell him and just be good in the future. It's not like I had sex with the guy or was intimate or close to him. It is not the real me, it is me that an old habbit came back only cause I was high and wanted to stay high. He knows I have problems with the coke. My motive for having him believe I love him is because I do love him, and having him believe I am faithful because I am and have always been faithful... I just ****ed up because I wanted to get high and no body would ever understand that. Just cause I don't tell him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. I think I respect him more by not telling him and hurting him.

One more thing, I told him last night taht I relapsed over the weekend and that I lied to him. We talked a little, but not much really to say. I need to get myself clean and see a shrink so I can decide how and when and if I'm going to tell him about the incident with this guy. In my heart I want to, but I know for one I may lose him, for two he will be so devastated, three he will feel differently towards me and our relationship may suffer and it's so perfect now. We are so much in love. I just don't think men understand when a woman strays, especially when the love and sex are excellent in the current relationship. I just don't know how I would explain to him that this happened. He has done drugs in the past, but has never commited infidelity so I don't know how he'll understand it. I don't even understand it, except that I did it to stay higih and continue to get high.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Also here is another question. What if I decide to tell him, but want to wait a year so that he could see that I am clean and faithful and trustworthy? Then I would open up and tell him everything!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you want to compound the crime by lying to him for another year?? A LIE is not the solution to adultery. You have no right to withhold facts about HIS life from him. This is HIS LIFE and he has a RIGHT to know. In fact, he needs to know who you really are so he can take steps to protect himself from you.

You are DANGEROUS to him and he does not know it yet.

He is being destroyed behind his back and doesn't know it. He needs to know what is happening - and who you really are - so he can protect himself FROM YOU.

He may also choose to not be married to someone who cheats and lies to him and that is his right. It is because of that, that you have no right to withhold information from him.

To do so is cruel and manipulative beyond words. You will only be keeping him in your relationship WITH A LIE. He has a right to know what is going on in his own life. To withhold this information is only compounding the cruelty.

HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not MORE LYING.

I know a lie is not a solution, but it is a saving grace to not hurt the other person if it never happens again. I have no right to hold these facts from him, but I don't know how to tell him without hurthing him and to me sometimes what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and I think he feels the same way from past discussions we have had. It is not who I really am though, I am an honest and trustworthy and faithful person, I just messed up, because of the drugs. I am not dangerous to him. That is a lousy opinion you make of me when you don't even know me. How is he being destroyed? Cause I don't want to hurt him by telling him something? It is not cruel and manipulative, but it is protective and honorable to not hurt him. I'm just confused and don't want to hurt him because I love him sooo much!!!!!!! I don't know what to do!!!! This kills me and makes me want to die rather than tell him.

Also, I told him last night that I lied and actually did relapse and did what he thought I did with getting high. He didn't even take that very well because he has forgivin me so many time in the past and just wants me to be healthy and happy and love myself. I don't even know where I would start to tell him, every time I try, I look at him, and I can't cause I don't want to hurt him. I need help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> He adores the real me, as I have always been my real true self to him. I have not told him truth about my past relationships although he does know that I have cheated in the past, but not how much. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then he doesn't love the real you. He loves the image you have created for him. How sad that you never had the chance to be loved for who you really are. It must be tiring to maintain this image at all times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
I feel what I did in past relationships shouldn't matter in current ones. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our past always matters. What you learned from your past relationships is very important to your current ones. Unfortunately by trying to push your past into a dark closet you never gave yourself the chance to analyze and learn from your past relationships. Until you bring these into the light and truly look at it for what it was you'll be doomed to repeating this cycle over and over again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong>
OMG SO TRUE. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT HIM.. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH... HOW CAN I TELL HIM IN AN EASY WAY... DO I HAVE TO GIVE HIM ALL OF THE INFORMATION? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see you are having a truly hard time with this but want to take the correct action. Could you ask him to see a couples counselor with you? Tell him you love him and want to make your relationship stronger but that you need help doing it. A counselor could help you with these issues.

April

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> When one chooses to be irresponsible selfish and cowardly by choosing to go get high rather than call boyfriend and say I love you, I'm being tempted to go get high and you're my best friend, please help, I am in essence saying that I am the only one who matters!

I totally believe this and want help on how to stop being selfish so that I can grow up and always show him he is the most significant and important person in my life, but choosing to run for help instead of doing what I did. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you're quest to get high is interfering with your personal relationships then you are an addict. Please seek professional help, either through a 12-step program or with a counselor trained in these matters.

You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with someone if you are an addict. Please seek help immediately.

April

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> And even if he doesn't stay with me, I don't want to devastate him because he is such a good person and doesn't deserve to be treated like the way I did. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even if he doesn't stay with you, the best thing you can do for HIM is to be honest with him. If his wife also was not faithful he needs to look into himself to find out why his partners go outside the relationship for fulfillment, or why he chooses partners who cannot be faithful.

If you keep this information from him he may never
make the realization that he keeps entering into unsuccessful relationships, which means he's doomed to repeating this cycle.

April

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Also here is another question. What if I decide to tell him, but want to wait a year so that he could see that I am clean and faithful and trustworthy? Then I would open up and tell him everything!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot wait a year. You are a drug addict who needs help and you cannot do it alone. You've already proven that. You must tell him so that he can help you.

I know you want to prove to yourself that you are a strong, clean, faithful, and trustworthy person. We all want that. But we all need help. Most of us receive that help through a good childhood with strong parents. But some of us aren't as fortunate.

To be truly strong you must acknowledge when you need help. That is one of the most courageous things anyone can do, to seek help when they are the most vulnerable.

Please, find a counselor with experience with drug abuse, or a center that can help you. You do not need to do this alone. You are a very worthy and loveable person. You need help in acquiring the skills necessary to lead a clean life with healthy personal relationships.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> No, I do not do meetings or anything, I'm not in a program because I still enjoy drinking wine occassionally and my boyfriend does drink beer. I never had a problem with that, it's the cocaine that I had problem with. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it's the cocaine you DO have a problem with. The problem is not in the past, it's in the present.

You can join program's specifically geared toward's drug use or you can see a counselor. Giving up drugs does not mean that you have to give up occasional wine drinking. You are using that as an excuse to keep from seeking the help you need.

April

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Also, I told him last night that I lied and actually did relapse and did what he thought I did with getting high. He didn't even take that very well because he has forgivin me so many time in the past and just wants me to be healthy and happy and love myself. I don't even know where I would start to tell him, every time I try, I look at him, and I can't cause I don't want to hurt him. I need help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best way to show your BF that you truly love him and want a happy and healthy relationship is to make yourself better. Seek professional counseling.

April

So, can I seek professional help and counseling and tell him when I'm mentally ready to?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> So, can I seek professional help and counseling and tell him when I'm mentally ready to? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you asking my permission? Trying to make a deal with me? (i.e. I'll seek counseling but only if I can continue to lie to my bf).

My questions are:

1. Why do you give me (a stranger) this power over your life?

2. Why do you think I want so badly for you to seek counseling that I'd be willing to validate your dishonesty?

You can do anything you want. My advice is to seek counseling. I no longer feel comfortable giving you advice on your relationship as your addiction is standing in the way.

April

So, can I seek professional help and counseling and tell him when I'm mentally ready to? BECAUSE I FEEL THIS IS THE BEST THING FOR ME TO DO SO THAT I MAY FEEL MORE MENTALLY COMFORTABLE TELLING HIM AND BE ABLE TO HANDLE HIS REACTIONS AND SAY THE RIGHT WORDS TO HIM WITHOUT MAKING HIM FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JUST WORDS.

Are you asking my permission? NO
Trying to make a deal with me? NO

1. Why do you give me (a stranger) this power over your life? I AM NOT GIVING YOU POWER, I AM SIMPLY ASKING IF IT'S BAD TO DO THAT BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL IT IS AND I WANTED AN OPINION ON IT.

2. Why do you think I want so badly for you to seek counseling that I'd be willing to validate your dishonesty? I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO VALIDATE MY DISHONESTY.

You can do anything you want. My advice is to seek counseling. I no longer feel comfortable giving you advice on your relationship as your addiction is standing in the way. FINE.

YOU KNOW, I'M HURTING VERY BADLY HERE. YOU HAVE NOT MADE ME FEEL ANY BETTER. I AM HAVING TROUBLE COPING WITH THE FACT THAT I DID THIS ALSO AND THAT I MAY LOSE HIM. I WANT TO TELL HIM, AND PROBABLY WILL, EVEN THOUGH ALL MY FRIENDS SAY NOT TO. I JUST WANT TO BE MENTALLY READY TO DO SO, AND I THINK SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP ON MY PSYCHOLOGY ISSUES WILL HELP ME,, AND SEEKING HELP ON ADDICTION, WILL EVENTUALLY MAKE ME A CLEAN PERSON WHO CAN THINK CLEARLY. ALSO, WHO IS TO SAY THAT BEING HONEST WITH HIM WON'T MAKE THINGS WORSE. SOMETIMES PEOPLE HAVE TO TAKE THEIR MISTAKES TO THE GRAVE, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T MAKE THEM AGAIN AND JUST HURT THEMSELVES INSTEAD OF HURTING THE ONE THEY LOVE. I'M SO CONFUSED, HURT AND SCARED AND I NEED SUPPORT. NOT LECTURES AND EVERYONE TELLING ME IT IS WRONG NOT TO TELL HIM... ETC. ETC.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FACE MY FEARS AND THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HAVE NEVER GROWN MENTALLY OR SPIRITUALLY. I HAVE HAD PARENTS WHO HAVE ALWAYS FIXED MY PROBLEMS, AND PUT A BANDAID ON EVERYTHING AND RESCUE ME FROM STUFF. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE INDEPENDENTLY AND MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HAD NO REASON TO DO THIS TO HIM BECAUSE I AM PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SATISIFIED IN THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I WANT TO SEEK HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL TO FIND OUT WHY I DID THIS BEFORE CONFESSING TO MY BOYFRIEND. IS THAT SO DAMN WRONG???